Archive of entries posted on 14th June 2003

Contest Update II

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Here’s more random sampling of entries received so far for the subtitle contest:

Home of the closed minded and opened mouthed
This is the Subtitle that won the free T-shirt
…one man, one monkey.
Blood and Irony
Bomb. Rinse. Repeat [Ed. Where have I seen that before…]
Nothing satisfies quite like a huge wad of ham!
My Wisdom is Priceless…..the Tee Shirts cost $15.95–
In God (and Superior Firepower) We Trust.
I want to take you to a gay bar
…I like monkeys too, let’s exchange recipes.

While I’ve gotten a lot of funny ideas, what I really want is something that best expresses the essence of IMAO and Frank J. in a concise manner. So keep <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace in the Peace Gallery if he or she wishes to submit a picture) and the bragging rights. All others get the bitter taste of defeat.
Mmm… bitter taste. I’m going to make more coffee.
More blogging tomorrow, including a tribute to my Old Man, an analysis of why I am funny and others aren’t, and a caption contest.
Ciao.

Links of the Day

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BTW, I now have Laurence Simon’s adulation and praise.
U know what you have?
Yeah, nothing, that’s what.
Man, Bill Quick makes me wish I knew anything about bicycle racing.
Yet I only know about the cycle of violence.
Sure, I have wasp trouble, but Mrs. du Toit had some spider trouble.
Hey, I’ve seen some giant ones down here in Florida.
Irate ones that get high off
Raid and would just get mad if you hit it with a shoe.
That’s what my telescoping baton is for.

Know Thy Enemy: Wasps

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Wasps were trying to build a nest in front of my garage door. So I got a hose and sprayed the little buggers, and then finished off their nest with my bokken (wooden practice sword). Well, today I find a new nest… not even a nest. Just a tiny little piece that two wasps were standing on, though they barely fit together on it since it is so small. Cheeky little bastards. Guess they don’t take a hint. Next step is chemical warfare.
For others with wasp problems. Here’s some use useful facts:
FUN FACTS ABOUT WASPS
* Wasps tend to build nests where they can have shelter from the rain and best piss people off.
* While bees will only sting in defense of themselves or their hive, a wasp will sting you just because he’s a f**king jerk.
* While many people would think the wasp is closely related to the bee, it’s actually more related to the badger.
* Wasps tend to come from rich families and have good upbringings and join exclusive golf clubs… or maybe I’m thinking of a different kind of wasp.
* While bees collect pollen to make honey for food, I don’t know what the hell wasps eat. I think it’s like birds, rodents, and small children.
* Wasps usually register as independents, but tend to lean Democratic in elections.
* In a fight between wasps and Aquaman, Aquaman would think he could win by hiding under water. But, as soon as he lets his guard down and emerged from water again, the wasps would jump out from behind a rock and sting him dead.
* While wasps building a nest on your house is bad, it’s better than having a monkey nest.
* You cannot cohabit with wasps. First they start out in a nest in front of the garage, next they’ll be in your living room controlling the T.V. remote.
* Wasps, like the zebra, cannot drive a car.
* A Nuke the Moon t-shirt will make you immune to wasp stings.
* Wasps are not very intelligent, but do have just enough intellect to let them be evil… much like Islamic fundamentalists.
* OT: Do not let Islamic fundamentalists build a nest off your garage either. Immediately spray such a nest with a hose.

Frank Tips for Blogging

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John Hawkins has always made it a cause of his to help new bloggers, and he recently posted 11 tips for bloggers. Now, I don’t usually give tips to bloggers, because I hate the idea of their being other blogs that distract from me. I also fear of another Scrappleface emerging (“Oh, let’s only mention Scrappleface when we talk about funny blogs. Let’s ignore IMAO. Isn’t Scrappleface a genius for coming up with ‘Axis of Weasels’ even though IMAO had like the exact same joke that day.”)
Damn you, Scrappleface!
Anyway, here are ten tips for new bloggers:
1. Don’t f**k with me. I will destroy you.
2. Don’t just blog about what everyone else is blogging about. If you can’t find anything unique to comment upon, make up a news story and put a phony link to the story that just leads to a broken link screen.
3. Steal from other bloggers. Catch another blogger just as he or she posts a new post. Then steal the whole text and post it with the date saying you posted it even earlier. Then accuse that other blogger of stealing from you.
4. Be a sexy woman and put up a picture of yourself. People like to listen to sexy women… or pretend to listen.
5. Buy a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, take a picture of yourself wearing it and holding a weapon, and then e-mail it to me for my future Peace Gallery where you will get a free link to your site.
6. Steal someone else’s identity. Everyone thinks that’s cute.
7. As Michele well knows, the best way to get more traffic: boobies.
8. Pose shirtless on your main page.
9. Suck up to Glenn Reynolds… or spread vicious lies about him.
10. Post lots of links to my page. Then people will know you are smart.

Damn Masonry

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I realized I’ll need some special tools to install the flag holder in the masonry that makes up the exterior of my home. No one else in my neighborhood had flags up, though, except for the kind old man across the street from me who installed a flagpole and has a flag up every morning, God bless him.
Well, while I was outside, the mailman came by and gave me a package containing my Rachel Lucas mug and Celebrate Diversity t-shirt (items that go great with your order of the Nuke the Moon t-shirt… did I mention that’s out now?).
Ahh, a new coffee mug. Did I ever mention how much I love coffee? If I could only keep one vice, either coffee or beer, coffee would win hands down. And I only drink it black and can’t imagine drinking it any other way.
Hey, look! There’s a cup of coffee in front of me right now! Hooray!

Let’s Start a War… Start A Nuclear War…

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D’oh. I didn’t realize today was flag day. I’ve had a flag kit sitting next to my front door for like two month now and have been too lazy to go outside and figure where to install it on my house. Better go do it now before people think I hate America (I don’t).
Until then, here’s a flying kitten and two kittens in viking helmets singing about a gay bar. It has nothing to do about homosexuality, and, for that matter, the phrase “gay bar” makes absolutely no sense the way they use it. Anyway, the song’s catchy and I now have “gay bar” echoing over and over in my head, and I want to spread the pain. Click on the link and hate me later.

Filthy Lies: Andrew Sullivan

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It’s Saturday, which means it’s time to tell filthy lies about Andrew Sullivan.
“Hey! Look at me! I’m Andrew Sullivan I used to write for the New York Times! I made $80,000 dollars in donations 6 months ago and now I want more money!”
That’s the idea behind his pledge week, which makes me so mad I almost wish I hadn’t donated $20 to him. I probably should have spread this filthy lies before his pledge week, thus leaving more money to be donated to me (or spent on shirts), but now it’s even more spiteful to put out a lie because it makes no sense. Anyway, here is the filthy lie:

So I was attending this big party, and it looked like it was going to be a lot of fun, but, when I first got there, I didn’t see any women. “This isn’t a gay party, is it?” I inquired hesitantly.
“Might as well be,” said one man angrily, “Andrew Sullivan is here.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” I shot back, surprised by what I thought was his homophobia.
The guy then led me to another room where there was Andrew Sullivan, getting it on with every woman at the party! He was making crass moves on all the ladies, drinking domestic beer, and getting in fights with any man who approached him. The guy was a total, flaming hetero!
“Hey, Andrew Sullivan, I thought you were supposed to be gay,” I said to him.
“Nah!” he answered, slapping a nearby woman on the ass, “That’s just shtick I made up to get hired by the Times. Now go get me another beer, bitch.”
He then shook his fist at me threateningly, so I got him his beer. Everyone then tried to enjoy the party, but Andrew Sullivan was just a little too much. He kept acting all macho and tried to make out with every woman there to the point that it became too distracting. Finally, I got the courage to go and talk to him.
“Now, Andrew Sullivan, I like sex with women just as much as the next guy, but you have to turn your heterosexuality down a notch. Everyone is staring at you.”
“You want a fight with me, pussy?” Andrew Sullivan yelled.
“You see! That’s exactly what I’m talking about!” I shot back, “It’s that kind of behavior that gives us heterosexuals a bad name.”
He then hit me with a beer bottle.
Well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Come on – a conservative homosexual? That just doesn’t make any sense. Why would a homosexual want low taxes, gun rights, and a strong foreign policy? That’s just silly.

Now here’s poorly photoshopped photographic evidence of him getting it on with the ladies to back up the lie:

Okay, I was too lazy to use Photoshop; that’s just Eminem. I think it’s good enough evidence, though.
So there is your filthy lie: Andrew Sullivan is a flaming hetero. Tell all the bloggers. Tell his donors. Tell the New York Times… no wait; no one believes them anymore. Tell the New York Post!
That will teach him for successfully making money with a blog.
Oh yeah, and buy my t-shirt.
UPDATE: A reader, Ryan Sullivan (hmm), has sent in properly photoshopped evidence.

Now the lie is complete. Muh ha ha ha!