Michael E. from Austin, Texas asks:
If we took all the communists, hippies, and liberals and shipped them
off to Antarctica (or other barren wasteland), would they be able to
create the perfect utopia that they’re always yammering about? If so,
would you live there?
I don’t know if it would be a perfect society, but a bunch of frozen liberals sounds like a good start towards one. And, no, I would not live there, but I would hunt there.
Doug Morris from North Carolina asks:
If a tree-hugger falls out of a tree in the forest, and there’s nobody around to hear her scream… is it still funny?
Here you ask the nature of humor: can humor exist without a human observer. I’m sure deer get distracted all the time and run smack into trees, but, most of the time, people aren’t there to watch, and all that does is scare squirrels. But remember that God is always watching, and I believe He has a sense of humor because that’s essential to me not going to hell. So, when the tree hugger falls from the tree, God would chuckle. And then, when she’s lying there dazed and wondering what happened, God would knock the tree down on top of her and then laugh His divine ass off. Nothing better than a good smiting.
My silly sister Sarah, the silliest sister of all, took time out from being a big shot Hollywood costume designer to ask me:
Why does the sun make people sneeze?
Yes, it is true that looking at the sun causes a certain number of people to sneeze, and the explanation is not a simple one. I first went to my local Research-atoritum to ask the scientists there. They were not receptive.
“Bah! Tis a silly question no one would care to know the answer to,” shouted one scientists as he studied the flow of ketchup from a bottle. All the other scientists were similarly dismissive, almost suspiciously so. Finally, dejected, I left the Research-atorium, but before I reached my car, I heard a whisper from the shadows.
“Do not follow this line of questioning. It will lead you to your doom.”
“Who are you?” I demanded.
He stayed hidden in the darkness. “It matters not. Just know that many brave men have tried to solve this puzzle you ask, and none have been heard from again.”
“But I need to find the answer!” I pleaded, “My little sister asked the question, and, if I can’t solve it, she’ll make fun of me and call me ‘Stinki’.”
“It’s a better fate than what awaits you,” warned the mysterious man, “but if you really wish to pursue this, your journey will take you to the Himalayas.”
“Then that is where I go,” I vowed.
I was not able to find any guide willing to take me on this journey, so I trudged through the snow myself, climbing the rocky precipice. It seemed all unfamiliar, yet somehow I knew where to go. Eventually, harsh winds forced me to find shelter in a cave. Inside, I saw an old man.
“You seek answers,” he said, staring through me into my very soul.
“I wish to know why some people sneeze when they look at the sun,” I declared.
“Ah, a good question,” the man said with a mysterious smile, “but first I must know if you are worthy of the answer.”
Suddenly a knight in armor attacked me with a sword. “You must defeat the demon knight in a battle of swordplay!” the old man announced, “Then the answer will be yours.”
“I’m really subpar at sword fighting,” I admitted as I drew my katana.
“Just stick and move,” the old man assured me.
The demon knight bared down upon me, and I barely dodged his sword which cleaved rock from the cave walls as if it were cutting through a carrot. I caught him off guard though, and swung in, my sword clanging uselessly against the armor.
“Oh, funk this!” I exclaimed, dropped my katana and drawing my .45. One shot fell the demon knight.
“You are the chosen one!” the old man exclaimed.
“But I didn’t sword fight him.”
“But the prophecies said the chosen one would do battle with a weapon of fire.” The old man held a torch so I could see the ancient writing on the wall. It was all written in text I had never seen, except for the last part which said, “Chosen one will use a weapon of fire.” It looked like that had just been added with a magic marker… a purple one.
“I don’t know about this…”
“Look, you even bear the mark of the chosen one.” The old man held up my hand to reveal the mark.
“That’s a smiley face you just stamped on me,” I protested.
“No, you are the chosen one, and it is up to you to end the curse of the sun.”
“What curse?”
“Back before time was time, an ancient demon named Ahchoo saw man and was reviled by him. Thus he forever cursed the sun, causing about 25% of people who look upon it to sneeze.”
“You still haven’t gotten to the part where I care.”
“You are the chosen one, and you can end this curse by destroying orb of Ahchoo that lies deeper within this cave.”
“How long will that take? I have a plane to catch.”
“It is a perilous journey, with each step you take full of danger!”
“Each step full of danger!” I exclaimed.
“Well, there are a couple steps without danger,” he admitted, “but, by far, most steps are full of danger.”
“I’m going to have to say no to this quest then.”
“Why? Are you a pussy?”
“I’m not a pussy!” I shot back, “It’s just I don’t give a rat’s ass. I mean, I don’t sneeze when I look at the sun; just my stupid sister does. Why would I risk my life over that?”
“But it is your destiny!” the old man exclaimed, “You cannot walk away from your destiny!”
“I’m not going to walk away,” I said, “I’m going to try and find a ski lift down. Barring that, I guess I’ll have to use a sled.” I then headed for the exit to the cave.
“Destiny will find you one day!” the old man yelled, “You can try to avoid it, but it will find you!” Finally he just grumbled to himself. “Wanker.”

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.