BTW, I have a longer post today because I have a big secret message
Uh… I mean a lot of links to point out.
Yay for Laurence Simon and his fame! (Wired article mentioning him)
Mr. Scrappleface takes on N.O.W. and Roe v. Roe v. Wade.
Yargh… damn you Scrappleface and your level-headed moralism!
So now I’m appearing in people’s dreams!
How that happens, I can’t say.
It’s not like I’m putting up subliminal messages or something.
Really, that would be
Too insidious for me to have done for a number of days in a row.
Only from ThoseShirts.com, the same maker of my shirt, comes a
Rare new design, available on both shirt and mug.
I get a Smarties cake because I am so smart.
That’s right; me smrat.
‘
So “nyah nyah” to you.
A day of celebration: Fry the Spy Day™.
So, tomorrow debuts the new subtitle.
Tune in nice and early to find out who takes the prize.
Really, though, a lot of people
Are deserving, but only one gets the free shirt.
Now vote if you haven’t done it yet.
Got to get record turn out!
Look for… uh…
I just can’t do this anymore…
N
G
!
Archive of entries posted on 19th June 2003
A Day with My Shirt
Well, I just spent a full day wearing my Nuke the Moon shirt, and what a day it was! First off I was late to work, so I was speeding 90 mph down a 25 mph limit road. Unfortunately, a cop pulled me over. He looked real mad, but, as soon as he saw me and my shirt, he said, “I was going to give you ticket for speeding, but we only have those limits because most people aren’t skilled enough to control a car on these roads at higher speeds. I bet you know what you were doing, though, so continue on your way.”
And I was like, “Thanks, pig!”
He chuckled. “Normally, if someone called me a pig, I’d pull him out of his car and beat him savagely, but, from you, it’s charming.”
When I got to work and tried to head to my office, the ladies were all over me and I was like, “Hey, I need to get some work done; there’s time for that later.” So that part of the day was the same as normal, but, when I got to my office, my boss saw me and said, “For some reason I suddenly just realized we aren’t paying you enough. I’m going to look into fixing that.”
“Thanks, boss,” I said, “So what do you want me to do today?”
“Know what, you’re so exceptionally smart, I just feel silly telling you what to do; you should probably be telling me what to do.”
“Okay. Go get me a soda, bitch.”
“Yes sir!”
I think the shirt actually improved my intelligence, as I was easily able to solve all my engineering problems, and then everyone else’s. By the end of the day, I had won my company’s cherished “Actually Competent” award.
After arriving home from work, I decided to take a nice stroll. It took me near a stream where I was suddenly attacked by a Florida gator. Fortunately, his teeth were unable to get through the high quality, preshrunk cotton of my t-shirt (nor was he able to damage the awesome print job). I then grabbed the gator by the tail, and, using the super-strength my shirt imbued in me, I swung him around and around, eventually flinging him hundreds of yards in the air where he landed in some store where they sell stuff made out of hemp. The gator then proceeded to bite numerous hippies.
Quite satisfied, I began to head home, but then I was swarmed by a number of angry monkeys who had escaped from a lab. I was worried, but, as soon as the monkeys caught sight of my t-shirt, they all dropped dead from fear. That’s right, the Nuke the Moon t-shirt kills monkeys on sight. Just wear one and go to the monkey house of your local zoo to see for yourself.
I was about home when I suddenly saw none other than Jesus Himself. “Hey, Frank,” He said, “We don’t normally do this, but for some reason we just decided to tell you today that it’s a done deal and you’re getting into Heaven… and not just the regular part, but the really nice part of Heaven we usually save for just popes and star athletes.”
“Wow, thanks, G. So does this mean I’m certain to get into Heaven even if I were to go and have lots of pre-marital sex, steal stuff, and go on a killing spree.”
“Well, when We make a decision, it is final,” Jesus said, “but it’s not like you’re going to go do all those things.”
“Uh… yeah… I would never do those things.”
So I said bye to Jesus and just now sat down to tell you all about my day. Wow, what a great t-shirt! And, at the price we’re selling it at, you’d have to be criminally insane not to buy one! I mean, you’d have to be like “I voted for Clinton twice” moronic to pass up this deal.
So be like Frank, and get a Nuke the Moon shirt today!
Anyway, hopefully I’ll get pictures of me wearing it this weekend, and then the Peace Gallery will start next week.
Frank Answers: The Hulk vs. Rumsfeld, Barefooted Women, and “Curious” George
Meryl Yourish from a secluded island in the Pacific asks:
Who do you think would win in a fight between the Hulk and Rumsfeld?
That’s a hard one. One is a boiling pot of rage that thinks of nothing more than destruction, and the other is large and green. Personally, I’d put my money on Rumsfeld– as long he took his arthritis medicine before the fight.
Vince from NS, Canada writes:
As an evil conservative, I can understand keeping women pregnant and in the kitchen. But why barefoot!? It seems kinda unsanitary. Hopefully you can
clear this up.
Giving women shoes is a big mistake. As soon as they have shoes, they might feel safe venturing outside the house. And if they’re out of the house, who will bring you your beer when you are watching football? And next thing you know, women may use the freedom of shoes to go out and vote, and that’s how people like Bill Clinton got elected. Even Dole would have won against him if men had just kept their women barefoot and in the kitchen.
And, of course, once women get one pair of shoes, they’ll want more. Me, I have one pair of worn sneakers, and, whether I’m going jogging, going to work, or going to the governor’s ball, they’re all I need. But women will want all sort of wacky shoes for reasons unconceivable to men. Soon, your whole closet will be filled with them and your wife will be saying, “We need to get rid of some of your power tools to make room for more shoes.”
Barefoot and in the kitchen; that’s the only way to go.
To women readers of IMAO: I’m just kidding!
Michael Colwell of Ucluelet, BC, Canada asks:
You seem to be an expert on monkeys. I want to know this: Why did The Man With The Yellow Hat continue to rescue Curious George from the perilous situations he created for himself? And why was he always dressed in yellow with those funny boots? Frankly, The Man looks French to me. I read Curious George stories to my young kids and I’m worried that I might be corrupting them. Should I stop?
Yes, stop immediately!
My mother read Curious George stories to me as a child, until my father heard one and correctly identified it as a subversive threat. He then burnt all the books and we were better for it.
Why is George so “curious”? Why is he sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong? Because he’s a spy, that’s why. And he relays his information back to France, the most monkey and terrorist friendly government in Europe, through the man in the yellow hat. Of course, most people don’t notice the monkey as a spy, because he and the man in the yellow hat (who we quite conspicuously never hear the name of) disguise his intelligence gathering efforts as “misadventures.”
Well, no one’s pulling the wool over my eyes. Curiosity not only kills the cat, but the monkey as well if I have anything to do about it.
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
Poll My Finger
The poll for what should be the new IMAO subtitle is still open and will be so until Friday morning when the winner is announced. If you haven’t voted yet, go do so. If you have voted, wait in breathless anticipation for the results to appear tomorrow.
I’m wearing my t-shirt at work right now, BTW. When I get home, I’ll tell you how a day of wearing such a dynamic piece of clothing affects one’s life.
UPDATE: Bravenet seems to back to normal, so the poll is up again. Get your vote in and support democracy!
Know Thy Enemy: Monkey Pox
I’ve had a lot of requests to have a post on monkey pox, but I had avoided it until now because monkeys scare me. Finally, though, I’ve set my crack research staff on the topic and here is what we came up with:
FUN FACTS ABOUT MONKEY POX
* Monkey pox was either developed by evil monkey scientists or by God because of our sins. If someone sinned, please fess up.
* Poxes are all named after the animal that made them to try and overthrow humanity. Chicken pox was made in the long long ago by chickens in a failed attempt to destroy mankind, and later cows did the same thing, making cow pox, which ended up being a vaccine for the ancient and evil small pox, made by leprechauns to keep us from getting their pot of gold.
* Monkey pox is spread by prairie dogs, which are not actually dogs (or prairies) but instead are evil, stinky rodents who sold their soul to their monkey masters.
* If a monkey comes up to and offers to inject you with something he swears is not pox, don’t let him. It probably is pox.
* Monkey pox is rarely fatal, but, while it has not been proven that it allows monkeys to control the victim’s mind (or even hypothesized), it has not been disproven either. Do not trust anyone who is itchy.
* If you have monkey pox, no matter how tempting it is, don’t eat a banana; that will just inflame it. Instead eat things a monkey wouldn’t like such as chalk and suntan lotion.
* The symptoms of monkey pox are fever and itchy rashes. It’s not much fun, but, if you’re young, I’d say it’s worth it to skip a couple days of school.
* Doctors say don’t scratch the rashes as that will just make them worse. Know what; doctors say lots of damn things. Scratch those damn rashes; screw the doctors.
* If you seen prairie dogs, kill them and burn their bodies. Do not get them mixed up with Chihuahuas, though, or you will probably make someone mad.
* Monkey pox is a virus. A virus is an entity (not technically classified as a living organism – much like a monkey) that uses one of your own cells to reproduce itself. That’s just mean. You work long and hard making those cells, and they shouldn’t just be stolen like that.
* In a fight between Aquaman and monkey pox, monkey pox would probably win unless Aquaman had been taking a lot of vitamin C lately.
* A Nuke the Moon t-shirt will make you immune to monkey pox. When wearing one, you can lick all the prairie dogs you want without fear.
* The best cure for monkey pox is to eat monkey brains like in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Ha, and you thought that was all fiction. You are so foolish I should rip your heart out of your chest.