I’ve had a lot of requests to have a post on monkey pox, but I had avoided it until now because monkeys scare me. Finally, though, I’ve set my crack research staff on the topic and here is what we came up with:
FUN FACTS ABOUT MONKEY POX
* Monkey pox was either developed by evil monkey scientists or by God because of our sins. If someone sinned, please fess up.
* Poxes are all named after the animal that made them to try and overthrow humanity. Chicken pox was made in the long long ago by chickens in a failed attempt to destroy mankind, and later cows did the same thing, making cow pox, which ended up being a vaccine for the ancient and evil small pox, made by leprechauns to keep us from getting their pot of gold.
* Monkey pox is spread by prairie dogs, which are not actually dogs (or prairies) but instead are evil, stinky rodents who sold their soul to their monkey masters.
* If a monkey comes up to and offers to inject you with something he swears is not pox, don’t let him. It probably is pox.
* Monkey pox is rarely fatal, but, while it has not been proven that it allows monkeys to control the victim’s mind (or even hypothesized), it has not been disproven either. Do not trust anyone who is itchy.
* If you have monkey pox, no matter how tempting it is, don’t eat a banana; that will just inflame it. Instead eat things a monkey wouldn’t like such as chalk and suntan lotion.
* The symptoms of monkey pox are fever and itchy rashes. It’s not much fun, but, if you’re young, I’d say it’s worth it to skip a couple days of school.
* Doctors say don’t scratch the rashes as that will just make them worse. Know what; doctors say lots of damn things. Scratch those damn rashes; screw the doctors.
* If you seen prairie dogs, kill them and burn their bodies. Do not get them mixed up with Chihuahuas, though, or you will probably make someone mad.
* Monkey pox is a virus. A virus is an entity (not technically classified as a living organism – much like a monkey) that uses one of your own cells to reproduce itself. That’s just mean. You work long and hard making those cells, and they shouldn’t just be stolen like that.
* In a fight between Aquaman and monkey pox, monkey pox would probably win unless Aquaman had been taking a lot of vitamin C lately.
* A Nuke the Moon t-shirt will make you immune to monkey pox. When wearing one, you can lick all the prairie dogs you want without fear.
* The best cure for monkey pox is to eat monkey brains like in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Ha, and you thought that was all fiction. You are so foolish I should rip your heart out of your chest.
‘If someone sinned, please fess up’–
You are brillant..I love that line.
While I of course have ordered my Nuke the Moon T-shirt like all the other cool kids, I have a question. When you say I can lick all the prairie dogs I want while wearing my Nuke the Moon T-shirt, is that like “I kicked your butt, prairie dog”, or is that like “man, that is good prairie dog. Want a lick?” I just wanted to know if I am to fight the evil monkey minion prairie dogs, or give them a taste test. If the latter, should I shoot them first or will being dead effect the flavor?
MensaMan
Dang, Frank, how come you didn’t use this topic to highlight the sport of Varmint Hunting which apparently rewards shooting the little prairie dog bugger.
I fully expected a couple of links to things like the Dog Be Gone video highlighting championship varmint hunting or Hubbard Creek Outfitters who will take you prairie dog hunting.
I was just saying for example that you could physically lick a prairie dog and still not get monkey pox, the power of The Shirt being so strong.
Thank you so much! I feel safe again and will recommence scratching things that are not rashes just to keep my coworkers away.
It had to come from the authority.
hln
Will reciting from the Necromonkicon reduce the pox, make it worse, or turn you into the unholy avatar of Simos?
Doh, trevalyan, even I can answer that. It’s “yes.”
hln
Quit blaming the prairie dogs – they were infected by a Gambian rat, Gambia being a known hangout of monkeys.
And why would I want to eat monkey brains (assuming they have any)? If ‘you are what you eat’, I think the last thing I’d want to eat is monkey parts.
Frank,
I thought small pox was invented by the evil Little People minions of the Democrats
I hate prairie dogs! I hate all the rodents! Death to squirrels! Rrraarh!
trevalyan,
Reading the Necromonkicon would turn you into Yog-Macaque.
MonkeyPants
Imperial Falconer
Prarie dog shooting on Saturday leads directly to crow shooting on Sunday. You’ll be doing the carrion crows a favor, monkey pox itches, so do feathers.
Just remember to consume what you harvest on Sunday!
Eating crow tastes good. I do it all the time.
Here is the mother of all monkeys:
http://www.danegerus.com/weblog/images/GaryHart.jpg
Remember! Its jellied OR fermented monkey-brains that taste best AND that protect you from monkeypox infestation.
Fermented and jellied monkeybrains both start by hanging the monkey upside-down in a cool, dry place, like -say- Frank’s underwear. The difference is that for fermented monkey-brains, the monkey starts DEAD. Hanging a live monkey in Franks underwear yields a monkey with a jellied brain… later… after a certain process runs its course…
Stay tuned, as next week we’ll review the joys of curdled Prairie Dog intestines, stuffed and sauteed… eewww, nummers!
Muhahahaha…prairie dogs…the perfect patsy for my master plan…
Frank, as a regular poster here I would like to see if I can get my 2 seconds of fame…while you were gone at your friend’s wedding I made a comment about ( paraphrasing) “Frank leaves town and a monkeypox outbreak occures in the midwest”. Obviously I was ahead of the curve on that one. Can you at least mention me without slamming me too badly?
Thank you, your awesomeness…
(ps- I already got the NTM shirt so to show any more appreciation I could send you a gift certificate for a free katana sharpening or something…)
I’ve read the Necronomicon, and I havent turned into anything really weird yet.
Neat thing youve got going on here…Wasnt really looking for a joke, but it was funny nonetheless.
Keep it up.
Amphitrite
i recently got monkey pox and i tried your remendy (monkey brains) it really worked
big thanks
i think you should make a website that helps kids with thier school work i came on this website to help me with my school project on monkey pox and i found nothing now i am going to get a bad grade and its all your fault so make a website that is useful to kids and not something that is so gay like if someone sinned please fess up please i would be embaressed if i had a website like you do so get of your lazy but and please make a good website it would be very useful do it for the kids you must be a big baby to be scared of MONKEYS ha ha ha scaredy cat
I need to see a picture of a human monkeypox, can anyone upload a picture of it ans send to CoralHouse@aol.com. My daughter and I may have it.
Thanks.
i came here looking for info for a health assignment, but was pleasently surprised. this is some pretty funny shit here. and anyone who thinks otherwise has no sense of humor.
i like the one about the doctors saying stuff!
I think it is a gay website! And I do have monkey pox i don’t apprieciate this!
And ADAM did sin to all of you dummys out there! Its called a bible.