I’ve been too busy for Frank Answers™ lately, but that should change later. So keep those questions coming.
Shawn F. from Louisville, Kentucky writes:
Watching Lance Armstrong stand atop the podium in Paris with the Arch de Triumph in the background and hearing the U.S. National Anthem was absolutely precious. (I hope it really bothered the EMB in the crowd.) But, while I was watching that I couldn’t help wonder – who built the Arch de Triumph? I mean, I know it’s in Paris and all, but surely the French didn’t put it there?
I assume it was built by one of the many nations that “triumphed” in conquering France, and then eventually got bored and left. The French probably haven’t knocked it down because they are scared of it.
Adam Pappas from Newark, NJ asks:
Who would win in a fight between the Justice League and the Arab
League? Does Aquaman have any chance against Amr Moussa if the fight
takes place in a desert?
Justice League would so kick the Arab League’s ass. Superman would personally punch many of them into the sun. Batman when hit them with his batarang and then kick them good. Unfortunately, Aquaman would get whupped by Amr Moussa, but the Flash would quickly run by, grab Aquaman, and then run to the Alps where they could go skiing while the rest of the Justice League takes care of business.
Asha’man from the Chicagoland area writes:
I have a question that has been bothering me for some time. I have watched various SciFi series & movies in hopes of finding an answer; but so far have been unsuccessful so I am hoping you can help! The way I see it, soon the United States will become all-powerful and will master intergalactic space flight. By that time, we should be finished with conquering nations here on earth and we will already own all the oil on this planet.
I want to be able to use these space-craft to seek out new life and new civilizations, boldly going where no man has gone before…for the sole purpose of conquering and stealing oil, that is.
My problem is that I imagine that AS ALWAYS they are going to put up a fuss,
so I need to know if I will be able to fire upon them from my spacecraft while traveling at light speed, or will I need to slow down first? I really like the idea of cruising in faster than light and really letting them have it, but I am afraid that since a laser is light, and I am traveling FASTER than light……I might shoot myself, or worse yet, shoot backwards at my home planet of America!
Can you help me?
Well, this question has to do with the theory of relativity, which states: “Stuff is relative to other stuff.” So, whether firing a laser while going the speed of light will work is relative to everything else. Are you angry when you fire it? What day of the week is it? What color is your spacecraft? Are you a Beatles fan? If your answer to any of these questions was something, then the answer to your query is maybe.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

annika from Los Angeles writes:
I recently had the misfortune of sitting through most of the Britney Spears movie Crossroads, and about halfway through it i began to feel an intense and disturbing urge to vacate my bowels involuntarily. The last time i felt such an overwhelming urge was at the Black Howler Monkey exhibit of the San Francisco Zoo. Naturally i’m wondering if there’s any connection, and if so, which is more dangerous to our freedom as God Loving Americans: the continued existence of Britney Spears or the continued existence of the Black Howler Monkey?
All I know about Britney Spears is that she seems to be the head of the trend for eleven-year-old girls to dress up like hos. For that, I think the parents are the ones in need of a smacking. I would be much more fearful of the sinister black howler monkey. His evil howl can be heard for miles, and will serve as an alarm to the other monkeys when we finally begin out strike against them.
If you still have bowel problems, consult a doctor.
Analog Kid from the Land of a Million Hippies writes:
I have a 2-part question.
1. Why is true different from magnetic north?
2. Is this a commie plot, a ninja plot or a plot from the monkeys?
1. Magnetic north is different from true north because it involves magnets.
2. My gut tells me it’s a Commie plot. They tried to try to control the weather, so why not also fool around with magnetic north. I bet they keep moving the magnets just to confuse us. We need to post some guard at the North Pole to guard those magnets and shoot any Commies who might try and move them. They can also answer kids’ letters to Santa Claus.
Tim E. from Xenia, Ohio asks:
Coca-Cola or Pepsi?
(real non-commie America-loving, gun-totin’ half-Irishmen say Coca-Cola)
I agree; Coca-Cola all the way for this real non-commie, America-loving, gun-totin’ half-Irishman. Pepsi is too sweet for me; I prefer the dryer taste of Coca-Cola. I usually go for bitter over sweet. That’s why I drink my coffee black and why I likes me Guinness.
John from Flagstaff, AZ asks:
Hey, Frank, How’s the hunt for the right lady goin’?
So far no luck. I guess I’ll just have to get used to the fact that I’ll die sad and lonely… or in a hail of gunfire.
Mmm… hail of gunfire.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Yay! Frank Answers™ is back!
LC Victor from The First Circle of Hell asks:
What’s a “Penumbra?” Is there ever a time when one is “Practical?”
Penumbra is what Bob Hope just died from. I guess it’s practical if you hate Bob Hope (which only a dirty Commie would).
Tim E. from Xenia, OH asks:
A 12-gauge Remington shotgun or a .50 caliber Desert Eagle handgun –
which would be better for killing commies, hippies, and foreigners in
general?
Sure, the Desert Eagle is cool, but it’s just not practical enough (certainly not as practical as a penumbra). Do you know how much that .50 AE ammo costs? A 12-gauge shotgun has been around forever, though, and has been proven reliable against home invaders, zombies, and aliens. If you need to send something to hell, a shotgun is the most tried and true transportation available.
Ed Hawley from Milpitas, CA asks:
If car companies are advertising “0% APR”, is this compounded daily or quarterly?
Neither; it’s compounded continuously. Here is the equation. It involves e. Everyone loves e.
Nick Packwood from London, England writes:
You are obviously a super-spy of some kind. Who is your favorite Bond Girl?
I liked the blond one from the most recent Bond movie, Die Another Day. She was great right up until the part she got all dead. Then she lost her appeal.
Sean from Sydney, Australia writes:
Have you thought about making a character’s page for your In My World™ posts? While I know you’re basing the characters on real world political figures, you’ve ended up adding in a lot of character points that are entirely your own, such as Condoleezza Rice being an evil supervillainess, President Bush’s penchant for prank calling Democrats, the Fox News Reporter, Buck the Marine, and Chomps. Do you think it might be helpful for newcomers to the site if there were a characters page?
Yes, it would be helpful for newcomers.
That was an easy question.
CPT Brook A. Nelson from somewhere (most likely) asks:
When you ask readers to “Please patronize our sponsors”, are you referring to the first dictionary definition which is 1) to be a customer of or do you mean 2) to treat condescendingly, haughtily, or coolly?
I mean the first one. The phrase comes from the back of the church bulletin from the church I went to when growing up, and I always like it. So, if you ever plan on buying something from Amazon.com, just go through one of my links to get your stuff so I get money. No cost to you, and it makes me happy. And, when I’m happy, I’m funnier.
Remember this equation: Money = Happy = Funny

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Bryan Smith from Somewhere East of Hell, Virginia writes:
The quiz at http://www.theadvocates.org/quiz.html identified me as a
“Libertarian” even though I’ve always thought of myself as a republican. Do
you know of any support groups that may be able to help me out?
Sorry, I don’t know of any support groups, but I can give you some advice to help out. Take two positions that seem contradictory – like saying you hate the nanny state which prevent people from buying cigarettes and guns but want marijuana to be illegal because you hate hippies – and, when someone calls you on being inconsistent, reply, “I don’t give a rat’s ass.” Don’t fall for that false god of consistency, or there may be no help for you and you’ll find yourself supporting canidates who don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting elected and are blue in color.
Diane from Basara, Iraq writes:
Please help, as I’m not sure if I should seek counseling. After watching the
confirmation that Saddam’s spawn were both dead, I didn’t turn off the
television. I left it on so I could hear over and over and over again that
we had killed them and laugh almost hysterically each time. Is there
something wrong with me?
No, reacting to the deaths of these two (as Buck would say) extra foreign people is perfectly natural. Me, I did a happy dance upon hearing the news. Who needs help are the few people who hate God, man, and America, and gnash their teeth at good news about the war. Give them two whacks with a Cluebat™ and call me in the morning.
Steve the Marine in Hawaii asks:
What is your stance on people born on the year of the monkey? Inherently evil, is there any hope?
I don’t believe in those silly superstitions, but, to be on the safe side, I would watch any person born in the year of monkey with deep suspicion. Whenever they near, keep your hand near your gun and your eyes on them at all times. And, try to delay pregnancies to make sure a child is not born in such a year. That may be harsh for a pregnant woman, but I don’t care because I’m a man.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Jennifer said that she loved Frank Answers™ and was wondering if a guest blogger could fill in while I’m busy. Be careful what you wish for. Maybe I’ll have some other guess bloggers help me out later.
Jennifer Answers
Red Mist, Certified Flight Instructor, Computer Support, Airsoft/Firearms Enthsiast, from Grand Forks, ND writes:
Why is C4 called “plastic explosives”? Or is it pronounced “pla-steek”? Doh,
that sounds like a French word. I mean, in the movies (haha) it always looks
like a silly puddy-like substance that can be molded into different shapes.
Plastic isn’t squishy like that! Why not call it “puddy explosives”?
Luckily, ordnance is my true area of expertise. First of all, you don’t
need to worry about C4 being some Frenchy firecracker…it is mostly made in
the good ol’ U.S. of A. Therefore it goes without saying that it is an
extremely powerful explosive. Another benefit is its remarkable stability,
so you don’t need to concern yourself that it will go off at an inopportune
moment. C4 is primarily a military explosive, requires a detonator, and has
a soft, dough-like texture. Best of all, a little bit will go a long
way–your wallet will like that!
But hey, you didn’t ask for a sales pitch here. You want to know why it’s
called “plastic” rather than “puddy” explosives. I assume you mean “putty,”
which will make my answer easier. Basically, you can blame Ralph Nader for
the whole thing. Back in the 60s there was concern that labeling explosives
with the word “putty” would confuse children. There they’d be at
Woolworth’s thinking a box of putty explosives was a whole ton of Silly
Putty fun. The next thing you know, there are kid-bits all over the place.
I call it “thinning the herd,” but Mr. Nader called it “dangerous.” So he
got on his consumer-protection high horse and raised a stink. Lawmakers
agreed, and we needed a nice, generic, not-fun word to use. “Plastic” it
was.
hlh from Detroit, Delaware asks:
Why is it “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe”? Who are the Masters of the Universe, and why is He-Man excluded from sharing the umbrella of their title?
I never watched He-Man. It was the 80s and I had better things to do…like
watch MTV and tease my hair until it was a foot high. My brother was
Skeletor for Halloween one year, though, so I picked up a little bit.
I think you could say the Masters of the Universe were kind of He-Man’s
Cabinet. They included his sidekicks, allies, and girlfriend. To help you
understand this analogy, I will list some of the characters and their human
counterparts:
He-Man (He-Man) = President Bush
Teela (He-Man’s girlfriend) = Laura Bush
She-Ra (He-Man’s kick-ass sister)= Condi Rice
Orko (He-Man’s goofy sidekick) = Dick Cheney
Battle Cat (He-Man’s tiger, duh) = Donald Rumsfeld
Skeletor (He-Man’s nemesis) = Helen Thomas
I hope that was helpful. Like I said, I never watched that show.
Frank Answers
Susie from East Orange, Moldavia asks:
If I send you a picture of my breasts, can I skip the “short essay” part of the
contest?
I’d have to see the picture first (and it should be tastefully done) before I can answer that. But won’t you feel you’ve lost something by skipping the mental challenge of the Frank short answer question? You could always try both, anyway 🙂

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Susie from Joisey asks:
Is it true that you get better mileage when your gas tank is more than half
full, and worse mileage when it’s less than half full?
Yes, and there’s an extremely simple, scientific explanation for that. Cars are always in constant fear of being discarded to a junkyard, but, when their tanks are full, they are happy and thus drive well. As their tanks reach closer to empty, they get more fearful that this tank of gas will be their last and thus become depressed and drive more poorly.
Renna from Funkytown, U.S.A. writes:
I have tickets to see the rock group Foreigner at a community event next Friday night. I’m concerned that Buck the Marine might show up and try to kill them. How will I know him if I see him and is there anything I can say to dissuade him from killing them?
No, nothing can dissuade Buck from killing; he is a Marine after all. If Foreigner didn’t want a kill’n, they should have named themselves “Happy Americans” or “Not a Foreigner”.
Tim E. from Xenia, Ohio asks:
Will Michael Moore keep getting fatter, or will eventually he reach a
physical limit and explode?
As Einstein explained, eventually Michael Moore will become so fat that he will not explode, but instead implode, collapsing down upon himself into a black hole, possibly sucking into him any nearby city. I think he’s about two burritos and a Big Mac away from that point.
Jason H. from the 3rd Rock from the Sun, Texas sector writes:
Frank, if you were running for president and you happened to miss a
NAACP convention, how many times would you apologize and what would you
say? By the way, Jesse Jackson REALLY wanted you to be there.
Oh, I’d apologize over and over to that racist, uber-partisan group. First, I’d kick down the door to their convention.
“Oops! Sorry!”
Then I’d slam Jesse Jackson’s head into the podium.
“Sorry! I’m so clumsy!”
When that Queasy, Fumey guy starts mouthing off, I’d punch him in the gut.
“Sorry! Didn’t see you!”
Then I’d tackle Jesse Jackson before he could get away.
“Whoops! Sorry I fell down on you with such momentum.”
Hell, I’d apologize until I would go hoarse from it.
Jose from Atlantis writes:
If you have seen 28 Days Later you know that all the trouble is caused by
hippies and monkeys, so my question is: Could hippies and monkeys combining
forces really result in the annihilation of the human race?
I haven’t seen 28 days, but I’ve always been against both hippies and monkeys. Both are filthy, smelly, mindless creatures that should be locked in cages. As for annihilating the human race, I think hippies lack the ambition and intellect for that, but I wouldn’t put is past the monkeys.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Rich from North Grafton, Massachusetts asks:
If I were to get an Irishman to wear a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, would it
stop him from being a lying bastard?
Hey, no ethnic slurs! I’m half-Irish, and I take great offense at that. You’ll be in big trouble if I remember this insult after I sober up.
Harley W. Daugherty from LaGrange, Missouri asks:
Why is it illegal here in Missouri to burn hippies? What would happen if I set one on fire and what charges would I face?
It’s illegal for the same reasons it’s illegal to burn leaves without a permit; setting fire to a hippy if not done properly could be a hazard. You’d be charged with endangering non-hippies and their property, and face a hefty fine that could go into the hundreds of dollars.
Jimbo from Simi Valley, CA. writes:
I think animated and cursed pirate skeletons could kick ninja ass ANY day. I have just seen the “Pirates of The Caribbean” movie and it looks like the evil cursed skeleton pirates could kick ninja butt all day long and not even break a sweat. I know they don’t have any skin to sweat from, but that is not my point! Do you know where I can find some evil cursed pirate skeletons that know sword play? I bet a crew of them watching my house would sure keep the neighbor kids off my lawn! Do you think that we could set up a death match between ninjas and the feared but cursed pirates?
Slow down there a second. As we all know from the official source on ninjas, pirates are the archnemesis of the ninja and are really lame in comparison. Now, I didn’t see this movie you speak of because I boycott Disney on account of their selling biological weapons to terrorist nations, but an undead pirate is still just a lame dead corpse, and ninjas could easily cut them up into a million pieces. If you had cursed pirates guarding your house, the ninjas would extra kill the pirates and then you and I would laugh at your foolishness. The only thing that can stop a ninja is the power of the samurai. Go buy the Book of Five Rings, and, if a ninja attacks you, try throwing it at him.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Tim H from Melbourne, Florida asks:
We all know that Aquaman is a pussy, but who would win a fight between him and that hippy Captain Planet?
Okay, you win; you found a lamer superhero than Aquaman. I’ll just say Aquaman better kick Captain Planet’s ass or he’ll be downgraded to janitor at the Justice League.
Tom from Great Falls, MT asks:
Why does air float?
That’s because air is too small and moves around too fast for gravity to grab it. If you were able to get your car to drive fast enough, eventually you’d outrun gravity and the car would fly. The only problem is, the larger the object, the faster it has to go for gravity to lose track of it. In principle, though, a fast running midget should be able to fly.
Jennifer from Des Moines, Iowa asks:
Why does the penny have Abraham Lincoln facing the opposite direction than the other coins?
Well, I don’t have any change on me, so I’ll just have to take your word for it. You probably think there is some sinister explanation behind this, and you’re right.
It actually has nothing to do with Lincoln. What’s the difference between the penny and other U.S. coins? It’s color, as it has copper in it. In the days of old, when the ancient gods ruled the day, it was common for the rich and haughty to have reliefs made of their heads upon copper plates. This angered the ancient gods, and they placed curses upon any images in copper which faced the left, the “sinister” direction. Only bad luck would come from such things. Only facing the right could save one from the gods’ wrath. Many stopped making copper reliefs entirely out of fear.
The tales of the ancient were soon forgotten, and, when the first pennies were made, Lincoln faced to the left. America was soon plagued with death and disease. Finally a scholar found the reason why and got the mint to correct their error. Still, if you find a penny lying on the ground face down, leave it be or risk death, for Lincoln faces left when a penny is flipped.
Actually, since pennies are 95% zinc now, I don’t think it makes a difference.
This isn’t really a question, it’s more like horrible slander sent in by Bob Kingsbery from Frisco, Texas in response to a previous Frank Answers™:
The Army’s Model 1911 .45 caliber automatic is one of the most inaccurate pistol ever made. You can’t hit the side of a barn with it, from inside the barn! Which is why the army issued them to officers–it wanted its officers giving orders and assessing the situation instead of wasting time shooting at the enemy. The only thing a .45 is good for is shooting the mules, point blank, that are blocking your road, as Patton did in the movie. Only he used a .357 caliber ivory-handled revolver.
Just give me a second to recover from this horrible libel.
…
Okay, I’ve recovered. The 1911 is one of the marvel’s of modern engineering. It is the handgun, IMHO. Now, I know some people have complained about the quality of government issue 1911’s (I’ve even heard my father say they had accuracy problems), but I don’t know anything about that (if some people with military experience could enlighten me on that, I’d appreciate it). All I know is that you don’t have hundreds of versions of the 1911 because “you can’t hit the side of a barn with it.” Maybe that’s a problem of your own accuracy, but my 1911 (a Colt 1991) shoots like a dream. And nothing beats that big ‘ole slug for stopping power. Am I alone here, or does anyone else think this e-mail was either born of ignorance or a desire to troll?
Just don’t say things like this to me when my 1911 is in reaching distance. It won’t be as forgiven as I am.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Coco “the signing” Gorilla asks:
Do you want a piece of me?
Hey, you don’t intimidate me with your massive strength and your simple understanding of human language. You mess with me, and I’ll kill your cat.
Ken Nevin from a shack somewhere in Montana asks:
Is taking guns and ammo from de-activated foreigners considered “looting” the dead according to the Geneva convention? What if your gun is broke or they just have a better one? Would it be OK to trade?
Well, I’m no legal expert – actually my only experience in the legal realm was once punching a lawyer – but I’m pretty sure that if you shoot and kill someone, then all their stuff is yours. Fore’ners usually have crappy AK-47’s, though, so take them at your own risk.
Carridine from Funkytown, USA asks:
What is the “bright-light” reflex?
That’s the reflex Gizmo from the Gremlins has that causes him to scream, “Bright light! Bright light!” when he sees a light. Heh heh; let’s dunk him in water.
Brooks from Medical Lake, Washington writes:
I have been sharing your wonderful writings with some of my co-workers, which was just fine, but then one of told me that Aquaman was actually gay, which I don’t personally have a problem with, and even worse, French! (which I DO have a problem with.) Is this true?
Sounds true. To be honest, I’ve never read an Aquaman comic or even remember seeing an episode of Super Friends. So, does Aquaman actually fight villains or anything, or does he just swim around talking to fish (oh, that’s got to be some interesting conversations… not!).
George S. from Sixth Street, Austin, TX asks:
What is the Big Red Spot on Jupiter? It’s not some marketing gimmick by an Earth-bound company, is it?
I thought it might be some big marketing ploy by 7-Up too, so I built a probe in my backyard and launched it towards Jupiter to find out. We’ll just have to wait for it.
…
…
So, uh, how’s that local sports team?
….
…
You know, I’ve started to have thoughts about… Oh! It’s there. Let’s see what data it reports back.
Hmm… there is in fact a spot that is big and red. Seems to be some storm… but there is a radio signal coming from it. Let’s see…
Whoops, the probe just plunged right in there. I can still get some communication back. Wow, seems to be a voice on that radio signal:

“I am Zoloft, ancient demon who has been imprisoned in the red eternal storm of this giant planet. Your meddling has now freed me such that my wrath may once again go out about this universe. First, I will start with your pathetic planet, the one that is second orb from the sun. Muh ha ha ha!”

Heh heh, dumbass. He’s going to attack Venus. Anyway, there is your answer. 7-Up imprisoned an ancient demon there as some marketing ploy.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Jennifer from Des Moines, Iowa writes:
Why does your blogroll keep “moving?” It is in a different order every time I skim it in the ridiculous hope I would somehow be worthy of linkage already. Rachel Lucas at the top is the only one I am sure stays put.
My blogroll does not move, as is evidenced by that Rachel Lucas is always at top. You probably just forgot the position of other blogs on the list and thought they moved. If you keep thinking blogs are changing position on my blogroll, immediately check yourself in to the nearest psychiatric ward.
Wesley Harding Warsaw, Indiana writes:
So far the Nuke the Moon T-Shirt can deflect bullets, make you knowledgeable of all things, ward off ninga attacks, spontaneously combust all things French, and make someone who is fat, appear less so, while a skinny person would presumably become invisible. Or at least less dimensional by one. All that begs the question; Is there anything The Shirt can’t do?
A Nuke the Moon t-shirt can not raise some one who has been dead for years (it only raises the recently dead), it can’t turn a Granny Smith apple into gold, it can’t destroy the sun, and it can’t allow you to see through more than 8″ of lead.
That’s all I know it can’t do so far.
Nate from Elmhurst, IL asks:
Why did the US military switch side arm from the amazingly cool Colt 1911 .45 Auto to the wussy Beretta 9mm? The Beretta is a good gun, don’t get me wrong, its just that it uses small, crappy metric ammo…they could at least use the Beretta that fires .40, couldn’t they?
I think the problem was that our military became too “kick ass”, and some measures had to be taken to make wars more challenging thus to keep our troops’ interest. One such measure was a weaker sidearm that can barely kill a Commie at all, forcing one to instead use strangling or his or her KaBar. If I were in the military, I’d just bring my own .45, but that’s just me. Someone might protest, but, then you’d have a .45 when they only had a 9mm, and who is going to win that argument?
Susie from Calcutta, Greenland writes:
I have heard that the color white is the presence of all colors, and the color
black is the absence of color…but when all my crayons melted into a big
puddle when I accidentally left them out in the sun, they were a sort of brownish
purple…..why is that?
Great question. The accepted belief that white is the presence of all colors was just racist propaganda made by the KKK. If it were true, then, if you wore a white shirt and got anything on it such as grape juice, then the shirt should become more white because your adding more color to it thus making it even whitier. But we all know it ain’t true. White is the absence of color, which is why we draw on white pieces of paper and not black ones. The true color of all colors together is the brownish purple you saw, also known as “blurple”. All hail blurple.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Dave from from asks:
Will you give me gratuitous linkage in return for a promise upon my honor of gratuitous linkage on 9 July? Or do I have to bribe you more directly, such as by buying a Nuke the Moon T-Shirt?
No, linking to me tomorrow is expected of all blogs and will win you no special favor. There is only punishment for those who don’t comply. Buying a Nuke the Moon t-shirt and sending in a pic for the Peace Gallery does get you gratuitous linkage, though.
Johnny from Podunk, TN (Go to BFE, hang a left) writes:
I checked my “Funk and Wagnels” and could not find the word Neocon. I was curious because it sounds something like Comic-Con, or maybe has something to do with a past criminal record. I think I knew what it meant when I had my “Nuke the Moon” shirt on, but it’s in the wash now. Could you clear the air for me?
The exact definition of Neocon (short for neo-conservative) is “dirty Jew”. They are the ones who are tricking Bush into wars for the benefit of Israel. Jooooos!!!
Sean Riley from Sydney, Australia writes:
The Peace Gallery has done a brilliant job of highlighting the wonderful applications of the Nuke the Moon t-shirt. In particular, the power to get French people to surrender to me has appeal. It’s always a nice ego boost. That said, are you absolutely certain that, well, any t-shirt wouldn’t have the same effect? Have you done any studies on the matter?
To be honest, probably most shirts from ThoseShirts.com will cause the French to surrender, as will many variety of dogs, a few types some types of hats, and a German accent, but the Nuke the Moon shirt is especially good at it, it’s aura of power even causing some French to drop dead in fear. In one study, someone was sent walking through Paris wear a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, and, for that day, spontaneous combustion of Frenchman increased by 1000%. Other, more inferior shirts, though, could actually attract French to you and make you think French or hippy thoughts, so you really have to be careful. If I were you, I would only wear the Nuke the Moon shirt to be on the safe side.
BTW, it also deflects bullets.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Jon from Richmond asks:
How will non-linking Blogs (Enemies of IMAO) be “destroyed” (Hint: Answer could potentially involve deportation to the moon, followed by aforementioned nuking)?
Revealing how I plan to destroy my victims would ruin a good amount of the fun, but, I assure you, a blacklist will be made of all blogs who slight me by not giving me a front page link to my blog on my blogiversary (this Wednesday), and punishment will be dealt. All those foolish enough to defy will forever know July 9th as the beginning of their end.
Some may think it’s uncivilized of me to threaten people to link to me, but, hey, it’s my blogiversary and I can threaten if I want to.
Bill from Waco, Texas asks:
Would you consider ScrappleFace an IMAO inhibitor?
Ha ha; very clever. Nothing can inhibit IMAO! Nothing! According to the Truth Laid Bear blogging ecosystem today, now 71 links separates me from Scrappleface. Soon, I will surpass him, and then he will be downgraded from “archnemesis” to “fellow blogger”.
Jeff from Hell (a.k.a. Northern California) writes:
Riddle me this. Why aren’t all the North Korean’s dead yet? Is it because their poofy haired leader is really a space alien in disguise? Or is North Korea just over a soft spot in the earth’s crust, thus creating an atmospheric protective bubble around it? Please explain.
You must understand diplomacy. When dealing with someone with poofy hair, the outcome can be quite unpredictable. This is why we are moving more gradually against North Korea. There time will come, though, when they will finally learn that the main flaw inherent in Communism: if you are Communist, America will eventually bomb the crap out of you.
Scott from Chicago, IL writes:
Why is it that my boss got mad when he told me to Whittle down my report, and I then proceeded to make it even longer? I just don’t understand.
While in the blogosphere, Whittle is synonymous with huge beyond mortal comprehension, to most people whittle means to chip away at and reduce in size.
BTW, scientist estimate that, by the year 2006, the blogosphere will have increased by a factor of 20,000%, 99% of that increase simply being one of Bill Whittle’s essays.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

From Poosh, the Lost King of China, writes:
What is a good web-site design tool that is easy to use and please could you point me in the direction of a decent “blog provider” type thing. Also, you say you hate monkeys but what of Apes? Apes are not the same as Monkeys I was told.
Most people start out on blogspot using, where people extremely patient will be able to eventually read what you write… on good days. I prefer MoveableType, but you will need to get your own URL and hosting service for that. What nice about MoveableType is that when you link to me you’ll be able to send a Trackback to the post you linked. Then people will see all the trackbacks I have for that post and say, “Wow! Frank writes popular posts.”
As more Monkey/Apes, they all are the same to me and just as evil. Don’t even worry yourself with that divide. Just shoot to kill.
Hodadenon from Rensselaer, NY writes:
Saw your reference to Zaitoichi and blind Samurai below. I had just finished watching a Zaitoichi marathon on cable last week. Blind samurai rock! But who do you think was the better blind samurai, Zaitoichi or Rutger Hauer in “Blind Fury”?
Well, I only saw one Zaitoichi movie so far, but, then again, there is only one Blind Fury movie. Zaitochi seemed to be able to equal in sword combat many different seeing opponents, while Hauer only fought one opponent with a sword quite awkwardly. Then again, Hauer mainly took on enemies with guns. Still, Zaitoichi seems to be the more traditionally skilled, while, on the other hand, Hauer is an American and Americans always win. I think I’ll just flip a coin to decide who would win.
…crap, I don’t have any change. Well, all you readers can flip your own coins: heads Zaitoichi wins, tails Rutger Hauer.
Richard R. from Moabi, Gabon writes:
What’s a really, really cool name for a baby girl?
How about Zora, like that chick form Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire. Sounds like the name of an Amazon warrior to me. That’s kinda cool. In all honesty, though, I really shouldn’t be naming kids.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Bill (AKA Graumagus) from Poplar Grove, IL writes:
The Nintendo company makes video games that feature a brave, immigrant plumber as a hero valiantly fighting the monkey menace in some of their wares. In others the evil Donkey Kong and his extended bastard family are falsely touted as the good guys. Is there a schism in the Nintendo management between those who are slaves to the simian conspiracy and those who are fighting for good? Or is the entire company evil incarnate, with Mario used as a pawn to lull the anti-monkey consumers into buying games, creating more funding for their fiendish plots?
My father had a great saying about trusting the Japanese: “Don’t trust the Japanese.” Now, I can’t say I’m completely sure of all the details of the japanese-italian-simian consipracy with its extreme anti-turtle bent, but I know I’m suspicious as all ‘ell. I just say keep an eye on Pearl Harbor and watch lots of anime looking for hidden messages.
Ryan from Colorado asks:
Any ideas how I can get the town council to let me have a Mountain Lion to take care of all the pesky prairie dogs running around my condo complex, oh, and the kids running around the parking lot too?
Just argue that prairie dogs and annoying kids are plentiful, while mountain lions are quite endangered. You’ll be able to get a whole bunch of annoying environmentalists behind you with that argument. So now you may be saying, “But I don’t want to get near any annoying environmentalists!” Well, once you have the mountain lion, you sic him on them. And they can’t fight back or they’d be harming nature. Stupid, mauled environmentalists.
Bob from Dufeldorf, HA writes:
One of my mind-numbed liberal friends recently presented me with this
inane question: What possible benefit would come from mindlessly
eradicating an entire group of beings? Fortunately, I knew that you would have an answer.
Exterminate him, and the rest of your liberal friends. And do it mindlessly. The answer will come to them in their eradication.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

George S. from favorite stall, 16th floor bathroom asks:
Do you think all the other bombs feelings are hurt when ‘smart bombs’
are singled out for praise & adulation? I mean, not all bombs can have
a low CEP (circular error probable), right?
I think you are absolutely right. Smart bombs get far too much praise in this society where we don’t want to “hurt civilians”. My favorite bombing technique was the good ‘ole saturation bombing, in which having high tech GPS, laser guidance system would be meaningless. Saturation bombing is what really strikes fear in the hearts of the enemy, so don’t toss out your old bombs just yet… unless of course it’s out of an airplane and on to your enemy.
Jared from Receda, CA writes:
As next year marks the 20th anniversary of “The Karate Kid”, I was wondering if Miyagi’s Crane Technique (“If do right, no can defense”) would be an effective counter to a random ninja attack, or if, in fact, it only works against Billy Zabka. After all, in “The Karate Kid Part 2”, Chozen was able to overcome this technique with a skilled flinch.
My God, it’s been like a million years since I’ve seen either of those movies. If I remember the crane technique, all it involves is standing on one foot and then hopping to the other while kicking. No defense my ass. Let’s see if he can crane kick a gat from 25 yards, that’s what I say.
Susie from Des Moines, Thailand
How long is a lucky penny lucky?
A lucky penny (a penny found lying on the ground face up) has a luck half-life of approximately one day (23 hours, 56 minutes, 12.87 seconds). Most luck should follow immediately after picking up of the penny.
If instead one picks up a penny of death (a penny found lying face down), your chance of dying that day increases by 1000%. On the other hand, you will be one cent richer.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.