Bill (AKA Graumagus) from Poplar Grove, IL writes:
The Nintendo company makes video games that feature a brave, immigrant plumber as a hero valiantly fighting the monkey menace in some of their wares. In others the evil Donkey Kong and his extended bastard family are falsely touted as the good guys. Is there a schism in the Nintendo management between those who are slaves to the simian conspiracy and those who are fighting for good? Or is the entire company evil incarnate, with Mario used as a pawn to lull the anti-monkey consumers into buying games, creating more funding for their fiendish plots?
My father had a great saying about trusting the Japanese: “Don’t trust the Japanese.” Now, I can’t say I’m completely sure of all the details of the japanese-italian-simian consipracy with its extreme anti-turtle bent, but I know I’m suspicious as all ‘ell. I just say keep an eye on Pearl Harbor and watch lots of anime looking for hidden messages.
Ryan from Colorado asks:
Any ideas how I can get the town council to let me have a Mountain Lion to take care of all the pesky prairie dogs running around my condo complex, oh, and the kids running around the parking lot too?
Just argue that prairie dogs and annoying kids are plentiful, while mountain lions are quite endangered. You’ll be able to get a whole bunch of annoying environmentalists behind you with that argument. So now you may be saying, “But I don’t want to get near any annoying environmentalists!” Well, once you have the mountain lion, you sic him on them. And they can’t fight back or they’d be harming nature. Stupid, mauled environmentalists.
Bob from Dufeldorf, HA writes:
One of my mind-numbed liberal friends recently presented me with this
inane question: What possible benefit would come from mindlessly
eradicating an entire group of beings? Fortunately, I knew that you would have an answer.
Exterminate him, and the rest of your liberal friends. And do it mindlessly. The answer will come to them in their eradication.
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
I read that HIV might have been caused by monkey viruses that infected chimps and mutated, allowing them to infect humans…
So, this brings up a new question: are the chimpanzees willing conspirators of the evil monkey conspiracy, poised to leap to the top of the heap once their plan of subverting humanity takes hold, or are they also victims of monkey agression and prejudice as the closest relatives of humanity?
The thing with the mountain lion is easy. First, don’t mention the “kid problem” until after you have the permit. Then go on about how prairie dogs carry monkey pox. Once the permit and mountain lion are firmly in place, the kids just become a side issue.
“The mountain lion eats things with monkey pox. He ate your kid. Therefore your kid must have had monkey pox. It’s better for your kid to go that way.”
I’ve read on the internet that Mario is a communist, so it must be true.