Edward from the Navy:
I have only recently discovered your site. It is very nice, congratulations and good job. However I was very disturbed by something yesterday. I entered a choice on the Filler Poll, and it told me I was the 666th person to vote. Does this mean I am evil? Or perhaps this site is evil, or in fact the Filler Poll itself was evil? I voted again to make sure, and I was then the 667th person to vote, so I’m pretty sure if it was me, it was only a momentary lapse in my general goodness. Do you have any ideas. Thanks.
You are only supposed to vote once, so I think that means you are evil. Then again, the poll is supposed to only let people vote once, so maybe it’s evil – or just incompetent. Anyway, now I can’t trust the results and will just have to throw them out. Buchanan will be disappointed.
Aaron from NY,NY:
If you pee on subway tracks, can the electricity travel up the stream of pee and electrocute your weewee?
No, so go do it now.
Leo from Detroit writes:
My cat’s name was Rocky. My friend’s cats are called Chauncy and Simba. I used to have another cat but to give you her name would be extraneous information. My other friend has a cat named Blake who has a raccoon-tail. I hope you find this relevant.
No, you just wasted all our time – especially mine. Go say five Hail Mary and then burn your cat sacrifice.
The Vigilante from Southeast Michigan writes:
You seem to be opinionated on a lot of things, like gun calibers, France, and monkey ninjas. What is your opinion on violent videogames?
I only like violence in videogames if the violence is central to the story, such as the story being you’re supposed to violently kill lots of people. I especially like Grand Theft Auto III where you could randomly beat people with a baseball bat. I learned some important lesson from that and I think those lesson would be great for kids, too – that lesson being that you can attack whomever you want and get away with it scott-free. I would like more games where you could violently kill monkeys, though, like some of the games in the Turok series.
There has been some criticism of late that games are focusing more on just being violent and less on quality gameplay. I think this is a good idea, because gameplay is overrated. I really don’t think videogames became truly engaging until graphics were good enough to accurately portray blood splatter.
They frankly isn’t enough sex and nudity in videogames, though, but give it time.
Evil Otto from Orlando writes:
I have a question. I need a good t-shirt, but I can not find one to purchase. Do you have any recommendations?
Sorry, nothing is coming to mind. Maybe you could just wear a brown paper sack.
Michael from Cal-ee-forn-ya:
My name is Mike, I’m a freshman at UC Davis in California. At the beginning of the school year I found out that my roommate is a hippie. I never liked hippies which is why I chose to stay away from Berkeley but at least he showers. So I didn’t think too much of it, just made fun of him a lot for his stupid beliefs. The problem is that recently I found out that he also has Commie beliefs. When I heard that he was not only a hippie, but a Commie (which he tries to deny), I got scared. I’m afraid that he may try to brainwash me or something to get me to accept his beliefs. What should I do? I desperately need help, for now I’m holding out but who knows what crazy mind tricks these commies can do.
Strangle him. If college officials question you on why you strangled your roommate, just explain calmly that he was a Commie. If that’s not enough of an explanation for them, strangle them too; they’re also Commies.
Anne Crosby from Lake Worth, Florida
Still married to a liberal.
Thanks for your response. I tried the browbeating thing right off. It worked wonderfully for a while, but things have started to change lately.
He mumbles behind my back, and won’t tell me what he said no matter how hard I scream, squeal, or stomp my foot.
I am getting the suspicion that he may be getting ready to try some sort of “civil disobedience” stunt here in the household. I can’t have that.
You may have to up your methods against him. The best answer to civil disobedience is to spray the dissenter with a high-powered hose. Where to get one, you ask? Try your local fire station. I find they are not well guarded when everyone is called out to fight a massive fire. The challenge to you is how to start a massive fire. Once you have the hose, you just need to lead your husband near a fire hydrant and then blast him.
It’s much cheaper than marriage counseling.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Andrew Johnston from Abbotsford, B.C.:
How big is the medium T-Shirt? Is it like, small-medium, medium-medium, or large-medium? If I spend $15.95 USD (which is like, 50 bucks in Canada) on a large T-Shirt and it is too big I’ll be pissed. Likewise, if I buy a medium and it is too small, I’ll be pissed. Help a Canadian from becoming pissed: How big is the medium shirt? I’m five foot seven. Medium, or large?
By the way, you capitalist swine, don’t you dare tell me to buy one of each! I know that trick, and it won’t work! That would truly break my bank account, and I’m a poor college student just looking to buy a top-quality shirt.
The t-shirts from ThoseShirts.com are certainly top quality, but it’s hard for me to say how big a medium is. It’s bigger than the small (which we don’t offer) and smaller than the large.
Don’t they have medium t-shirts in Canada for you to reference, or are there only hockey jerseys in clothing stores?
Rich from Lewiston, NY asks:
What is Buck the Marine’s rank, and what medals/ribbons does he have?
I once asked my brother, Joe foo’ the Marine, what rank he thought Buck was, but I forgot the answer. If Joe is reading this, maybe he could answer in the comments section. Also, maybe he could finally send me the pictures for the Peace Gallery and from his wedding, the lazy bastard.
Buck has a medal for kill’n for’ners above and beyond the call of duty.
Elliot Temple from Berkeley, California writes:
When we have to nuke France, how many nukes should we use? Obviously
we couldn’t use all of them because we have to nuke other countries.
Also they are expensive. So it’s a tough call, but I’m sure you’ll
know the solution.
I’m sure our military has calculated exactly how many nukes it should take to obliterate France, and I’d say use that many times two. We have to make sure we nuke France proper because we’ll be setting an example that future generations will learn from.
Anne from Lake Worth, Florida writes:
This is hard for me.
My husband is a hippie liberal. He even protested the Vietnam War!
He is good to me now, and is a good provider, and takes care of my kids. He loves me too. But should I blast him? He is a German National, on top of it all. At least he isn’t French.
You don’t need to blast your husband, but you should browbeat him to the point that he’s too intimidated to ever express an opinion of his own. Most women I’ve known seem to be good at that.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Yay! Frank Answers™!
Denny from Oklahoma asks:
If a tree fell in a forest and no one was around to hear it will the Green party ever win an election?
No. To win elections, Greens have to make sure we hear about every single tree that falls in the forest and then care about it… and we won’t.
Damn dirty trees can rot in hell for all I care. We have plastics and metals which are superior building materials to wood, and nice grass fields gives us plenty of oxygen. Forests are useless and should all fall and be unheard.
Dave F. from Burlington, CT writes:
I see that California is planning to issue drivers licenses to illegal aliens. Why would someone that drove here in a spaceship need a license?
Space aliens come to kill us, and it’s too hard to hit pedestrians with a spaceship.
Earl from Paris, France asks:
How come you can only make time for “Frank Answers” when you have shirts to sell?
Because I like money. I’m a freank’n capitalist; what do you want from me? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention it today – BUY MY SHIRT! They should be ready well before Christmas and are a perfect gift for anyone you know who doesn’t like terrorists.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Ross McIntosh from Syria writes:
How would I type Popeye’s laugh? I’ve tried all kinds of things and
none of them seem to convey it properly.
“Ah Guh Guh Guh!” seems closest to me, but nothing can match the sound of the world’s most disfigured man himself.
Jessica R. from Waco, Tx writes:
While bombing the nations of France, Germany, Iraq, Syria, North Korea, and any other stupid, socialist, or annoying countries is appealing… oh, so deliciously appealing, is there any way to make it more efficient? I mean, it just seems wasteful to bomb all the countries individually, so I’m wondering if there’s a way we can simply round these countries up in one convenient location.
That’s what U.N. summits are for (far as I can figure).
Mike from a hole in the ground asks:
Will the Red Sox win the World Series next year?
No, because of the curse from when they sold the Bambino to fund opening the pharaoh’s tomb in which they found a goat.
Plus, they will never beat the Yankees since they have Hideki Matsui who has the spirit of the samurai in him and hits very honorable homeruns. Hai!
Mike, Franklin, TN writes:
recently i read that monkeys fling poo to show love, hate, or jealously. and i also read that monkeys fling poo alot. liberal democrats also enjoy flinging poo around mainly at republicans. so i guess my question is,are democrats really just cyborgs created by the monkeys to destroy us all?
Just Al Gore.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Pam from Cahleeforneeyah writes:
Now that Ahnuld has been elected the new govenah of Cahleeforneeyah, I’d like to know how you would have voted were you in my shoes. I’m of the 13% voters who believed McClintock was the better candidate but voted for Ahnuld as I couldn’t bear the thought of Tattoo (Bustamante) running Fantasy Island. Did I wuss out, Frank? Should I have stuck with my convictions irrespective of the outcome? This keeps me up at night. Thanks for a reply.
Pam, you did the right thing. While principle are fun and all, you can’t hold them above partisan gain. The fact was that Arnold had an ‘R’ next to his name and McClintock didn’t have a chance of winning while Bustamante (the scarlet ‘D’ next to his name) did. Throwing away one’s vote on political principle should be left to those wacky liberals, while we, the conservatives, must be more rational about things and vote for Austrian movie stars with a poor grasp of English.
Jez from Brisbane, Australia writes:
Frank, have you ever considered moving to Australia?, with talent like yours you could be a Big fish in our small pond, as long as you don’t mind Steve Irwin of course he is one of our icons! lol.
Crikey! I’d be too afraid of the crocs biting me. All have to contend with here in Florida are the friendly gators. While I do like Australia, and definitely would like to visit someday, I’m too much of an uber-patriot to ever move permanently from the States.
James from Ontario asks:
Does “Depeche Mode” count as a French product for boycott purposes?
Umm… sure, why not.
Wait, were people even buying their albums in the first place?

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Doyle S. from Moscow, Russia asks:
What happens when an easily resisted force meets an easily moved object?
Finally, an intelligent question. I believe this causes a rip in the space-time continuum or something. Fortunately, this situation is very unlikely to happen because it would involve France invading itself.
Don W. from Virginia asks:
Frank, I’m not as funny as you. How can I change that?
Drink a gallon of Windex.
NOTE: IMAO and its subsidiaries (of which there are none) are not liable for any damage done by an individual following the advice of this column.
Wesley from the starship Enterprise asks:
Since you have such a distain for monkeys, I was wondering how you felt about famous man/ape, ape/man combinations, like Tarzan or Bigfoot?
Tarzan is not a man ape; he is a man raised by apes and thus a traitor to his kind. I’m pretty sure Bigfoot is a myth, but if not, he should be killed because he is obviously part of some huge monkey conspiracy… probably involving space aliens.
I don’t like space aliens either.
Denny from Montenegro writes:
On Sept. 23 I heard a report on NPR about hand washing (http://www.npr.org/features/feature.php?wfId=1440436). The report was based upon research done by spies in airport bathrooms. They commented that 20% of women and 30% of men don’t wash their hands. I find this disgusting but a listener mail read on NPR yesterday, Sept. 25, brought to the table a good point. That is, “person uses restroom, person turns on faucet with soiled hands, soil is deposited on faucet, person washes hands, person once again touches faucet, soil is re-deposited on persons hand. What has been accomplished?” So, Frank, what has been accomplished?
Washing ones hands after using the restroom is of cultural significance. It shows that we have higher standards of cleanliness than filthy animals such as the capybara or the Frenchman. When you refuse to wash your hands, you distance yourself from the standards of man and chip away at your own humanity.
What is accomplished, you ask? Why everything. From advanced technology, putting man in space, to medicine that lengthens our lives; this is all symbolized in the act of washing our hands. We once lived in caves, but now we have faucets in our bathrooms and for good reason.
Then again, perhaps the push to always wash your hands after going to the bathroom is just a conspiracy by Big Water to keep people using their product. Damn you, water utilities!

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Yay! It’s back!
Jason from Ohio writes:
I live in a university campus town, surrounded by liberal democrats, so it’s only a matter of time before my apartment gets broken into and my stuff gets stolen. I don’t own a handgun, and would like to purchase one. What type of handgun would you suggest for someone with little handgun shooting experience (I have fired rifles)? Or is brandishing a toy gun sufficient to scare aware most liberals?
Yes, living aorund liberals can be scary, so it is good to have something to shoot them with. I had a whole series for people unfamiliar with guns, but, in short, I’d reccomend getting a .357 magnum revolver if you want something really simple.
As for brandshing a toy gun, absolutely not. Where guns are concerned, never make a threat you can’t back up.
Bilbus from Pennsville, NJ (the land of stupid gun control and stupider vehicle inspections) asks:
Frank, are all US government-employed muslims, such as the Gitmo boys, terrorist infiltrators, or just the ones they catch?
Not all Muslims are traitors. Why, for every Muslim traitor that is unconvered, there is at least one to two and half Muslims who are completely loyal to America. Thus, it would be unfair to single out Muslims for closer scrutinity. So, as to not hurt their feelings, all minorities should be singled out instead.
What?
Rob W. from Michigan writes:
I work in a mall, there is a K.B. Toys nearby. They have a monkey outside that keeps giving me the evil eye. So my question is… Should I shoot the monkey,
or firebomb K.B. Toys so that the monkeys ninja allies can not retaliate.
Definitely the firebomb. You don’t want to start something with monkeys that you can’t end. Snipe one, and soon you’ll be surrounded by them, all of them hitting you with their tiny fists.
Oh, and when the police ask, you don’t know me and I’ve never given you advice.
Dave F from Burlington, CT asks:
Boxers or Briefs? Coke or Pepsi? Iran or North Korea?
Boxers, Coke, and our you asking to live in, to bomb, or to conquer and rule as king?

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Time for some advice from a pirate, ye LAN-lubbers. Now listen carefully to what old Captain J. has to say before I have to keelhaul the whole lot of you.
Jason H. from Austin, Texas writes:
I‘ve been hearing a lot about how a lot of Californians are leaving California. It’s only a matter of time before they could damage their status as the state with the most electoral votes and I’m sure that a “brain drain” has already occurred. Is it possible that in the not-so-far-off future that the Californians might build a wall around their state in order to keep what brains, jobs and money they have left from leaving, much like the Communists in East Berlin did? It is a liberal utopia, after all? Thanks
Arrr! I say keep them all in California. We don’t want their kind befouling our fair ports. Barricade the whole state, and keeps ship patrolling it’s coastline, boarding and cutting the throats of anyone who dares try to leave. Just be careful of that Captain Schwarzenegger; he hails from lands far way and could be quite tough. Stories say a musket ball would bounce right off his hide.
Cat Malingowski from York, PA asks:
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does it stick to the pan?
Sound like witchcraft to me. I find anyone with one of these “Teflon” cooking utensils, I would be fearful of what other sorcery he or she may be capable of. A sturdy cutlass may not be enough to keep you safe from ones such as these. Burn them at the stake, I say; and do it on land, far from me ship.
MonkeyPants the Imperial Falconer writes
A variation on the “Worst figures of the 20th Century”:
You have a gun and a time machine. Who in history would you go back and erase?
Yarrr! That’s an easy one. I would train my musket on whomever invented those damn plastic packaging where you have two solid pieces of hard, clear plastic sealed together, often used for lots of electronics equipment and memory cards. Ye know what I’m talking about? You try to find some edge to pull the halves apart, but usually I end up having to jaggedly cut out the hidden booty with me cutlass. Instead of burying treasure, I could just put it in one of these packaging and it keep it safe for all eternity. Arrr!

Please keep the booty coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, you’ll be swimming with the sharks!

Jake D from Sunny Melbourne asks:
If you punch a Frenchman in the face and no-one is looking, shouldn’t you do it again?
Of course! Keep punching until someone protests. Then punch that person. Keep ice handy.
RMH from Jacksonville, FL writes:
As you may know, there is a huge hurricane headed straight for the North Carolina/Virginia area. I am also sure that you are well aware that there are two major military bases in the vicinity. My question is: Do you think this is just an uncontrollable act of mother nature or is it perhaps an evil creation of the vast left-wing conspiracy in their attempts to harm our mighty military without being obvious about it and without having to take the blame for it?
If the liberals have gained the ability to control weather, that is cause for concern, but I think that the weapons of the left are still mainly whining and B.O. Mother Nature has always been a capricious bitch, and it’s up to us right-wingers to one day settle her and make her do our bidding. The environment is ours to control. It is our right.
As for our military men and women stuck on those bases, as a civilian I would just like to say: Stop being such a bunch of whiners. If you can’t handle hundreds of miles an hour winds, how you gonna kill for’ners? MY tax money DEMANDS you to be tough.
DES from Warren, MA writes:
I have a Siberian Husky. She’s not very well behaved. Do you think she might be a Communist?
Raising dogs can always be tough for outdated encryption algorithms, especially if you suspect your dog to be a Communist. Don’t worry too much, though, as dogs are very American animals and rarely ever are Communists. There are signs to check for, just in case:

Does she seem perturbed that others who go out and work all day make more money than she does sitting around all day and licking herself?
When offered a bandana to wear, will she only put on a red one?
Will she bark up a storm unless you turn on NPR?

If you seriously suspect your dog to be a Communist, you’ll probably have to pay good money for an obedience school. When she learns that being a good dog equals yummy treats, she’ll shed her Communist ways like her winter coat… but without all the brushing.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Tim H from Viera, FL writes:
I’m pretty sure we can establish that you hate commies. What are your thoughts on socialists?
Basically socialists are watered down Commies who are in risk of becoming full-fledged Commies. I wouldn’t necessarily say to kill all socialists, though. Instead, a good beating may suffice.
Example:

SOCIALIST: The government should have more control over business.
YOU: No. (punch punch punch)
SOCIALIST: I now see the error of my ways.

A good beating could prevent a socialist from becoming a Commie. Remember: Only YOU can prevent forest fires Communists.
JFH in Charleston, South Carolina writes:
Was looking at the bag containing a McDonald’s “Happy Meal” that my wife had bought my 4 year-old and noticed that one of Kim Possible’s enemies was a guy named Monkey Fist. (see this link for a description). Not only does this guy love monkeys, but he has an army of ninja monkeys to do his evil bidding! Worse yet, he’s the one villain that my son thinks is “cool” (I blame the influence of “Power Rangers – Ninja Storm” on his fascination of ninjas). The question is: Should I be worried that my son could grow up to love monkeys and ninjas, or is this just a phase he’s going through?
First off, I have to praise you on being a good father and keeping watch on what is influencing your child. Now, I, not being “hip” or “with it”, have never heard of “Kim Possible”. At least this monkey ninja character is a villain, so perhaps the show is teaching good moral values. Your child should not think this villain is “cool”, though. Instead, he should revile him. Perhaps you should have a frank talk with your son explaining to him that monkeys and ninjas are always bad. While you’re at it, tell him not to do drugs, thus killing two birds with one stone. Also, you may want to burn down the local McDonalds to further drive home your point. Don’t worry; there should be another one less than five blocks away.
Oh, and, as with all my parenting advice, you should not do as I say under any circumstances. To me, kids are just fun targets to confuse the hell out of.
Alexandra from Fort Worth, TX writes:
I have a 3 month old German shepherd puppy. On Friday night, when I was busy in the kitchen, the puppy started chewing the leg of the kitchen table. She wouldn’t stop chewing the table leg when I told her not to chew it, so I threatened her by saying “if you don’t stop that right now, I’ll give you to the puppy-blender!” My puppy was instantly so contrite, that I felt bad. Now I have two questions: (1) was I wrong to have threatened her with the puppy-blender in order to get her to obey me?; and (2) How did she know about the puppy-blender? I find this latter question especially baffling. To the best of my knowledge, she doesn’t surf the internet during the day while I’m at work, and she came from a very reputable kennel south of Dallas, where I doubt such ugly matters as puppy-blending are discussed. Her instant compliance after I made the puppy-blender threat, however, demonstrated that she knew exactly who the puppy-blender is. I am very troubled by this. Please share your wisdom.
German Shepherds are my favorite dogs, as they are quite smart. As for your questions:
(1) I would say you are wrong to use such a threat. First of all, it’s a bluff (I assume you love your dog to much to actually give her to the Puppy Blender). Second, it’s so powerful a threat, it could actually traumatize your puppy, affecting her later in life.
(2) Dogs have a special ability to sense evil, thus they are all acutely aware of the Puppy Blender though never having actually heard of him. Dogs barking uncontrollably is always a sign that White Glenn – or a Terminator – is near.
Megan from Cleveland, OH writes:
While driving yesterday I spotted someone driving a Toyota Celica with the license plate, 6 Mao. This led me to believe that they had someone fit six communists in the car. I thought that my best plan of action was to speed up and hit the car while going as fast as possible. My question to you is, do communists have car insurance?
If I understand your plan, you would ram the car and then fix yours with an insurance claim, since the crash would be entirely the other party’s fault (as any American insurance company would agree) since he had a license plate of “6 Mao”. The only problem, as you figured, is that a Communist may not have car insurance.
Remember that there are two types of Communists commonly encountered in America: idiotic college professors and hippies. Idiotic college professors, despite the supposed justness of our capitalistic economy, actually make enough money to live on and probably have car insurance. Hippies, on the other hand, are treated much more fairly by our economy and probably don’t have enough money for car insurance. While you may be able to tell hippy from college professor by the car he or she drives, I think the best option is to lean out your window and shoot at the car. Sure, you won’t get compensated for your ammo, but what’s the cost of a few bullets in the grand scheme of things? Shooting while driving is almost as distracting as talking on a cell phone while driving, though, so be careful.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

In my last Frank Answers™, I mentioned that French soap is suspicious and should be avoided. A reader, J, had this take, though:

You do realize that is must be an effective soap, which is why the French export it.
They have no need for effective soap, or for that matter effective water, so they export both.

Now for some questions:
Jeff writes:
Seriously, I had a dream last night that a tribe of ninja outcasts, deep in the heart of Africa, trained generations of big smart monkeys to be Ninjas! And taught them how to swim too! It was horrible, the monkeys took over Africa in days. After training all the other monkeys in Africa to be ninjas, they started to attack by ninja swimming out to boats going by the coastline and then sneak aboard and take over control of the boat. Soon thousands of ninja monkeys were in position to attack the worlds centers of power at the same time. Then I woke up screaming, drenched in sweat, I had to know how it ended. I knew you of all people would know the answer, Could this really happen Frank?
Yes, such a thing could happen, and almost did back during the 60’s. Thanks to the distraction of smelly hippies, we nearly missed this ninja monkey threat. Luckily, the threat was noticed by the Coast Guard who keeps a number of samurai in employment for such incidents. Off our own coasts, the ninja monkeys were subdued with much swordplay, and, to this day, they vow revenge. If you are ever on the open seas, be careful to make sure any boats you see aren’t being manned by monkeys… or pirates. Also, if you are a wandering ronin, the Coast Guard is looking for new recruits.
Jason H. from Austin, Texas asks:
Frank, what is the reason for the existence of Cleveland?
Well, Cleveland rocks. Also, I believe its existence prevents some erosion in the area.
Pam from a small, quaint little town in California where the fruits and nuts can grow healthy and strong and even grow up to be governor someday writes:
Just read In My World: It’s All About the Jesus, and it prompted this question: What were you like as a child?
I’ve been told I was whiny, but my parents are damn liars.
DarthVOB writes:
My favorite show is Samurai Jack. I can’t help but notice the parallels between Samurai Jack and you. Is Samurai Jack loosely based on your life?
Though many of the similarities are striking, notice the character is named “Jack” and not “Frank”. If it were called “Samurai Frank”, then I would say it was exactly like me, but, as it is, I can’t see people calling me Jack.
Joey asks:
What happened to Bazooka Joe’s eye?
He asked too many questions, Joey. Too many questions, and that’s all I have to say.
Bitter Bitch from Hell (aka New England) writes:
I have a question for you to answer. I have to drive 75 miles to work everyday. I hate it. It means I have to get up at 5:30 AM and sit in traffic for a couple of hours before I repeat the sitting at the end of the day only to end up at home at 7:30 PM. It’s all because I have to stay with a friend while my apartment is renovated. My question is: Does this commuting frustration make a good excuse for killing either annoying hippies or my apartment complex manager for not letting me move into the damn place yet? I’d prefer to kill the annoying hippies, but any target for my rage will do for now.
P.S. Oh wait, blonde moment, I forgot that I had another question. The annoying hippies are getting between me and my guns. They are also getting between me and any swords. What can I use to kill them and/or my apartment complex manager since these precious resources have been taken from my beautifully manicured hands?
Killing your apartment manager would be murder, so I’d just kill the hippies; no excuses are really needed. Strangling is always a good, weaponless method. You may want to wear gloves for sanitation purposes, though.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

What? Could it be? Yes it is! It’s Frank Answers™!
Jimbo who is hiding under a bed at an undisclosed location in California writes:
I accidentally slammed Rachel Lucas in the comment section of another blog. I recognized my mistake immediately (because I confused her with another female blogger with the same hair color). I immediately went back and corrected myself, but I am afraid that Rachel Lucas may have seen my original post but not read my later correction, and is now scouring Southern California with a large amount of firepower looking to end my life in a hideously gruesome manner. I think she would do it like the terminator in the first movie, when Arnold was killing everybody named Sarah Conner because he did not know who the “real one” was. As much as I would like to end the senseless slaughter of those sharing my name, I am really concerned about my own safety. Like the terminator was explained in the first movie: she cannot be bargained with, she can’t be dealt with, and will not stop until I am dead. That part bothers me a little, well, actually a lot. Is there anyway you can get word to her before she exterminates me and possibly my family in a ceaseless quest for blood? Tell her I will like buy a cup from her or something.
How do you accidentally slam Rachel Lucas? Were you drunk? That’s like accidentally teasing the angry rottweiler who roams free on the streets. I would e-mail her post haste, apologize profusely, and buy all of her mugs left in stock. We’re not talking about making fun of king dork White Glenn; Rachel will find you and she will hurt you. She get’s hate mail every so often, but never more than once from the same person, if you know what I mean.
Mackynzie from Birmingham, AL
Recently, a guest of mine gave me a box of French soaps as a “housewarming gift.” Obviously I was very disturbed by this. Everyone knows that the French, much like hippies, are deathly allergic to any type of cleansing product, and they may very well melt at the sight of soap. What is the explanation for the existence of such an oxymoronic product, and what are the proper means of disposing anything frog-affiliated?
French soap? Wow, that is a new one. Are you sure it’s not just cheese that looks like soap? Whatever it is, I would not touch it. It is obviously some trick, possibly that of a terrorist. Treat it like a hazardous substance; get yourself some thick rubber gloves to handle it and place it in a sealed container. Then drive to Massachusetts and dump it somewhere there.
Edmund Burke from Dublin, Ireland writes:
I posted on Samizdata the perfectly reasonable question, what does the white Glenn think about monkeys (of any colour, including their bums) however we still do not know. What do you think?
Heh heh, you put a ‘u’ in “color”; that’s cute. Anyhoo, most people would ask this question as whether White Glenn would associate with monkeys, but I ask it as whether monkeys would associate with him. As vile as most monkeys are, they still can’t stand to be around someone as puppy blending, Satan worshipping, and hobo-killer’n as the Enemy. Monkeys just want general havoc, while White Glenn wants more of a controlled evil. You’ll probably only see him with the vilest of monkeys with oddest colored bums, such as the baboons.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Jennifer from the monkey house, Bronx Zoo asks:
If I were to dig a hole to the center of the Earth and put you in it, would you feel gravity?
I already have a fortress at the center of the Earth in which I float perfectly, absorbing the thoughts of all those throughout the world and plot against the enemies of me and the Alliance (and thus the allies of the Enemy). Watch yourself, Chief Smells Like a Monkey.
Robert from an Undisclosed Location, NY writes:
I recently installed the Seti@Home screensaver because I thought it looked kinda cool, and I liked the idea of helping to make contact with an alien species. (So we can go to war and steal all their oil of course) But I suddenly realized that the origin of this program is BERKLEY! Now, the question is should I accept this fact and continue running the screensaver, confident of the fact that the fools at Berkley are helping the US make contact with aliens and begin walking to the path to interstellar conquest, or should I delete the program, format my hard drive, and burn it so as to avoid the taint of the liberal hippy-monkeys who must have been involved in it’s creation?
Good question. My initial fear is that the first beings the aliens encounter when contact is made would be these Berkleyites, and thus the aliens would be so disgusted that they would surely declare war on us. Then again, I bet we could take those pansy-ass gray skins. Let the program run and bring it on, I say.
Aric, Arlington, VA
Why do monkeys like to fling poo?
Because they are disgusting, vile creatures who luckily don’t have access to grenades. Let’s keep it that way.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

SallyVee Answers
Mitchell G., MD from Saint Cloud, Minnesota writes:
As you may or may not know, Minnesota recently passed a concealed carry law. All law-abiding citizens are issued permits now. But…
I hope you can help me. I’m a physician in a group practice, and a couple of my partners and our administrators are pushing having one of those “Guns not welcome” signs in the window of our office. I know all the arguments against them, and have expressed them, but I’m getting nowhere, and it’s making me sick. I sense that my partners are going to outvote me and a few like-minded friends. So I sold out, figuring that half a loaf was better than none: I proposed coming up with wording that would express the desire that guns not be allowed, and yet with a disclaimer. I prefer the one at www.gunfreezones.com but I don’t think they’ll go for it!
I am thinking of something along the lines of this, but more succinct and well-put that I have been able to come up with yet: “Although we respect the 2nd amendment, please leave your firearm in your car.” Have you ever heard of a sign expressing the same sentiments? Any ideas?
Mitch: This is ludicrous, which should become evident to even the dumbest of dumbasses as you try to write the stupid sign. How are you going to enforce the request, btw? You gonna have the nurses pat everyone down–could get interesting and may help with client retention.
That said, how ’bout this for your sign: THANK YOU FOR NOT SHOOTING
Frank Answers
Jonag from Chandler, Arizona writes:
I just read in the paper that there is now a shortage of lab monkeys to use for experiments. Why do you think that is? Did you have anything to do with it?
I’ve had nothing to do with at no one has presented any evidence otherwise. I would say, though, that a sudden dissapearance of monkeys is cause for concern. Most likely that means they are doing their final plotting for a strike against us. Make sure to stock up on shotgun shells and anti-monkey spray.
Curtis from the backwoods asks:
Why do we have to go steal oil? Why not just power everything with nuclear reactions?
Yeah, power everything with nuclear reactions; that’s a great idea! Then, when we have a car wreck, it will take out half the state. Plus, when everyone slows down to look at the wreck, they’ll get radiated (you have to at least be going 65mph to outrun radiation).

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

M & R Homiller from Hell’s Kitchen, NY asks:
Where are all the dead birds?
Obviously you’ve never cleaned out a rain gutter.
Jason H. from the furthest planet from the sun writes:
Frank, in regards to vegetarians, what do you suppose they would have the rest of us do with cows if we all suddenly turned into goofy vegetarians? I mean, what other reason would a cow be on the Earth if we weren’t supposed to make burgers and gloves out of them? I hope you can shed some light on this situation. Thanks.
The vegetarians’ plan is to slaughter all cows in a merciless frenzy of blood and mayhem. A cow will always stand as the symbol of meat eating, and, for that, vegetarians hate them with every fiber of their soul. I don’t even like to think of the horrible things they’ll do to the poor cows if they have their way. The horror… the horror…
Don A. from Hicksville writes:
No one else seems to know the answer to this, so I’m going to THE definitive
source: Why are the keypads for calculators and telephones reversed? I don’t know whether to blame the French or the monkeys. uh…is there a difference?
First of all, yes, there is a difference between the French and monkeys. One is a putrid, subhuman creature that has no knowledge of right and wrong and the other has a tail.
As for about the order of numbers question, I didn’t know the answer offhand so I went to the local siencetorium in search of answers. When I entered, I said, “Hello, scientists!”
And they said, “Hello, Frank J. What science questions can we help you with today?”
“Why is the number order on a calculator different than that of a telephone?”
Their faces all went pale. “Begone!” shouted one, “You asks question of which the answers are best left unknown!”
“You’re a bunch of dinguses,” I said as I left the sciencetorium.
Well, quite obvious from their reaction, this all had to do with some demonic curse involving Alexander Graham Bell. So, I went to my local Alexander Graham Bell grave and dug up his body. When I opened the casket, there was a skeleton in there just like one would expect. Seemed to be a dead end, so I just stole one of his fingers to later auction on E-bay and went home.
The next step, of course, was to build a telephone with the numbers in the same order as a calculator keypad. So I bought a cheap phone from Wal-Mart, broke it apart, rewired it and placed the keys in the same order of the calculator keypad (I also swapped the * and the 0 since the 0 is usually on the lower left hand corner of a calculator). I plugged in the phone and picked up the reciever. There was a dial tone and nothing evil. So I thought I might as well dial up the sciencetorium and tell them they’re a bunch of dinguses again.
As I dialed, suddenly the world around me went dark. From behind me came a sinister laugh.
Learning from previous experiments, I had a shotgun handy. I grabbed it and spun around. “Alexander Graham Bell, I presume.”
“Wrong!” answered the spectral figure, “It is I, Elisha Gray, whom Bell stole the idea of teleor from. In vengeance, I invented telemarketing, to forever plague those who had a phone. But that was not enough. When I died, I sent my evil spirit to constantly dial people in the middle of the night and then breathe heavily into the phone. But, they rearranged the keypad on the phone to confuse my spirit and stop my curse. But now you have awakened me. Bwa ha ha ha!”
“You die good now!” I yelled, and fired at him with my shotgun.
“Ha! Your mortal weapon is no match for my spectral powers. Bwa ha ha ha!”
“Wait here,” I told the evil spirit as I ran to my guest room. From out of the closet I got my vacuum and plugged it in. I then used the hose extension to suck up Elisha Gray.
“Nooooo!’ he shouted as I sucked him up good.
I then figured I better dispose of that vacuum bag quickly, but it wasn’t full yet and they’re kinda a pain to replace. So I guess I’ll get rid of Gray after the next time I vacuum, i.e., in a couple months.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.