Back by popular demand, it’s Frank Answers™! I was going to quietly retire this feature as I thought it wasn’t that funny, but apparently lots of people like it. Well, there was a huge backlog of questions, and here are the definitive answers to some.

SarahK writes:
At my apartment complex’s community mailboxes, someone has placed a plastic bag on the wall, and above the bag is a sign asking for donations of AOL CDs, begging people to donate them rather than trashing them. In light of your recent comments about same, I believe these “donations” will be used against you. How should I, a faithful ronin, proceed?
I’m a simple man; I destroy what I don’t understand.
I do not understand this.
Destroy! Destroy!
Mac Diddy from Suburbia, VA writes:
When one comes across the decimal .9999999, in which 9 repeats for ever and ever and ever, many people, including my terminally confused math teacher, believe that it is equivalent to one (1).
That would imply that at one point, a mathematician said “screw it” and decided that instead of the number growing forever closer to one and never quite reaching it, it in fact stopped and rounded itself up.
Now, since this is not true for other repeating decimals (for example,
.88888888 never has to become .8888888889), it makes me think that the only reason so many seem to think that 1.0 and .99999999 are equivalent is that we work with a base-ten number system, and it’s difficult to imagine infinite growth of a number without it ever getting somewhere.
(And yes, I am aware that there is a method by which .9999999 can be reduced to one by multiplying it by ten and then by one and subtracting the difference and then finding the quotient of that number and nine, however, I think that the method is flawed, and that .99999999 is in fact an irrational number, making the repitant decimal rule void for irrational numbers.)
So, whatcha think? Can I rightfully call my math teacher an idiot, while at the same time changing the definition of math as we do now behold it?
The way it was explained to me that 0.9 repeating (referred to hereafter as 0.9999…) is equal to one is that 1/3 is equal to .3333… and three times 1/3 equals one, so three times 0.3333… which is 0.9999… must also equal one.
But this is false.
0.3333… is actually one infinitesimal away from equaling one third, thus three times it would be three infinitesimals away from one. The reason that mathematicians say 0.9999… is equal to one is because they are lazy as evidence by their uncombed hair and how they wear shorts throughout the entire year.
Do not let your math teacher get away with this falsehood! Next time he says that .9999… equals one, stand up, point your finger at him, yell, “Liar!”, and then walk out of the classroom.
Only you can prevent bad math.
Jason H. from Austin, Texas, writes:
Frank, have you noticed that the sky is blue with white clouds and the Israeli flag is white with blue stripes? Could it be possible that every time the Muslims look up they are reminded of the “Zionist conspiracy in the sky” and that’s why they are so angry? Just wonderin’, yo.
Who do you think determined the color of the sky in the first place?
That’s right: the joooos!
Always keep thine eyes at the ground – which is free from joooo tampering – lest thou be drawn into their conspiracies. And, no matter how loud a sound you hear, never look up. That what they want you to do!
Jooooooos!
:: shakes fist ::
Brian T. from Dallas, Texas, writes:
I live in Dallas, Texas. I am in a bad way and I am seeking your advice. There is a Halliburton plant near my house and when I drive to the gun store I see these turds. However I had to stop at the light right in front of them. I drive a 2003 F-250 and they harassed me about “blood for oil”. I responded by asking them if their gas was any cheaper, and stopped bothering me. A week later one of the more violent hippies kicked my truck when I was stopped at the light. I then grabbed my law enforcement jumbo sized (it looks like a small fire extinguisher) and hosed his smelly carcass down. Now I catch hell all the time…so what should I do? Should i counter-protest i.e. “Honk if you hate hippies”, or “Honk if you love IMAO”?
P.S. Yeah, I already thought about running them down with my big truck, but I think the D.A. would have a hard time believing my self defense claim.
I like your asking the hippies if gas prices are cheaper. While that is entertaining to us, using logic against hippies only confuses and enrages them. Spraying them, much like a skunk sprays predators to teach them to leave him alone, was a better method. The problem is that hippies already smell worse than a skunk and are much dumber, so multiple applications of different sprays will be necessary. Try pepper spray and eventually move up to acid. While the hippies will never logically understand that bothering you is bad, their small hippy minds will eventually scream, “Truck bad!” anytime you drive by, and you’ll see them crouch down in a corner cowering.
Or you could just not be such a wussy and run them over. If you get people like Hank Hill on your jury, “They were hippies,” would be a legitimate defense.
Dr. J asks:
So, when will I be able to get my IMAO “Nuke the Moon” VISA card?
I don’t know. How do I get my own special credit cards and how much money would I get from that venture?
BTW, I like any new ideas that get me money as I like money. Oh, and buy my t-shirts.
Uncle Frome from the People’s State of California writes:
OK, I’ve got a combined math & ethics question for you: Can 8+1 ever equal 10? Where I work, the owner sells a 10 lb. (gross weight) box of product, and only puts 8 lbs. of product in it. He even has it say “Net Wt. 8lbs.” on the bottom of the box, as justification of his actions. The hitch is that the box only weighs 1.1 pounds. I can’t believe our customers haven’t weighed an empty box yet, but I have to think it’s a matter of time. I told the boss that this was wrong, that he was cheating people, but he tried to justify it by saying that our competitors cheat their customers, so we have to as well to remain competitive. By that logic, we should start sawing off the heads of our Taliban and Iraqi prisoners with kitchen knives, because they are doing it, right?
All I know, is that if I go to the store and buy a 12-pack of beer and then get home only to find 11 beers in the box, I’m upset and I won’t ever shop at that store again. So can 8+1 ever equal 10? And am I correct in thinking that this is wrong, that our customers are being cheated? Or has the Kerry campaign found a way to disrupt the balance of good & evil in the universe and I should just keep my mouth shut and hope they don’t turn their “ethical adjuster ray” on me? I would really like to hear your thoughts on the matter. Thanks.
Come on; do you think the customers would be happier if they got a two pound box?
I would take this as a learning experience: never trust anyone. They are all out to screw you. Thus, screw them first.
And always check the net weight.
Jason writes:
I was watching Starship Troopers last night and there is line in the movie that goes “Come on you apes, you want to live forever.” My question is this, If not in engage in some kind of mortal combat w/ giant bugs, do apes live forever? Also are apes as bad as monkeys? Also how do you feel about the idea that only people who serve in the Military are allowed to be citizens?
Actually, I’m in the middle of reading the novel Starship Troopers as my brother told me it’s much different from the movie. The book opens with quoting that phrase and crediting to an unknown platoon sergeant from 1918. He must have subscribed to the theory that humans should be placed in the same Family as the Great Apes… or he was just trying to make his platoon angry. And, it’s good to be angry when you’re going to be killing people. Just try killing someone when not angry. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.
Andy Roopinschickenstein from Toronto asks:
Why do my lights go out when I put a gum wrapper in an electrical socket?
Because you live in Canada. Crazy canucks always sticking things in their electrical sockets. Just don’t cause a power grid failure down here again.
Ann, Salt Lake City
My sister, in an odd mood, was trying to put a toy cooking pot on my head, claiming it would turn me into a monkey. I replied, naturally enough, that I don’t want to be a monkey, and she said, “Come on, everybody wants to be a monkey!” I’m very disturbed… What should I do?
It’s always hard when you have to commit a sister, but, no matter what her age, it shows extreme insanity to want to be a monkey. Luckily, electroshock therapy has been proven to cause increased distaste from monkeys. Even though scientists still aren’t sure how it works, putting an electrical pulse through the brain increases monkey hatred. Though this will be distressing to your sister at first, in the end she will be happier… or, if not happier, at least hate monkeys, i.e., be hatier.

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Because you’ve all been some good readers, here are some Frank Answers™.

Bryan, who is from Sarramento, writes:
My name’s Bryan and I’m from Sacramento. Since I view your opinion as fact, I’ve decided to ask you which university should I attend next year: UC Berkeley or UC San Diego?
I’d be majoring in computer science and have been accepted to both.
Let’s see.
…
Heads. That means UC Berkeley.
There, I have spoken! If you do not go by my advice, your future will be worthless! You might want to ask BerkeleyGirl and BerkeleyChick about it to get yourself prepared. I think they go to Berkeley (BTW, everyone will finally get to see what they look like tomorrow).
Wes asks:
If John Kerry were to be split in two, would one be conservative and one liberal, or would they just be twice as liberal as before? Also, if it’s the latter, and if they were to be rammed into each other at high speed, could a critical mass of liberalism be achieved?
Also, if John Kerry was cultured into viral form, how would he be transmitted, and what symptoms would the he have?
If John Kerry were split in two, he would probably bleed to death. As for ramming the two halves together at high speed, that’s just silly.
The John Kerry virus would probably be like Alzheimer’s, but only make you forget your political positions. I’m not sure how it would be transmitted, but I’d hope we’d have biowar task forces to keep it from getting airborne.
Jason H from Austin, Texas, land of road kill and living hippies, writes:
Frank, I noticed that the US Marines are now kicking serious ass in Iraq. I’m curious, what do you think the IQs are of the insurgers? Unfortunately, we can’t give them an IQ test because they’ll be dead. Is there any other way of finding out the average intelligence of the insurgers? Thanks.
Technically, the IQ of a dead insurgent is 0, but, if you want to know what their marginally higher intelligence was before they got a Marine welcome, I think there is a method to measure IQ based on the pattern of how their brains splattered on the wall.
Then again, maybe I’m thinking of the Rorschach test. Those ink blots always looked like splattered brains to me.
Jason asks:
Frank, I just mentioned Hitler’s suicide in a previous e-mail to friends of mine. It got me thinking. Is it possible that Hitler killed himself because he had been married just an hour or so before or was it really because the Soviets were 300 yards away from his bunker? I think some historians are overlooking the ‘marriage quotient’ in Hitler’s death.
To answer that, I’ll have to use the scientific method and get married to see if that makes me suicidal.
–
This may take some time. I’ll get back to you.

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Rally round the family… with a pocket full of shells!
We rally round the family… with a pocket full of shells!
We rally round the family… with a pocket full of shells!
We rally round the family… with a pocket full of shells!
Sorry, one of my favorite Rage Against the Machine songs was on the radio as I drove back from picking up lunch. BTW, today is tax day and free cookie day at Subway if anyone forgot.
Anyway, here are some Frank Answers™ to some frank questions.

Todd writes:
Finally I have found someone with the significant cerebral capacity to tackle my most baffling brainteaser:
If 1/Infinity is always 0, and anything/itself is always 1, what is infinity/infinity? 1 or 0?
Actually, I’ve posed this same math question to a number of mathematicians, and, not liking any of their answers, I dismissed them. The way I usually phrase the questions is what is the product of infinity times zero? My answer is one. Reasoning: infinity (i.e. everything) times zero (i.e. nothing) equals finite (i.e. something). It just makes sense. Anyone who says otherwise is an idiot and never returned the mechanical pencil I lent him.
Chris from Baltimore writes:
In some of my conservations with people, I find that I sometimes have to use your words of wisdom to get my point across. Is there a proper manner in which I should quote you, so that you can get proper credit for your wisdom?
The preferred form is either “As the most learned Frank J. once said…” or “As the exalted one spaketh…”. Being me, I don’t need to preface my own quotes in such a way, and usually start a statement with “Hey, goober!”
Sam from Buford, GA writes:
I have a classification question for you. Is bigfoot technically a monkey? If not, where does his allegiance lie? Also, is a 45 enough to stop bigfoot, or do I need to get a 44 magnum like Dirty Harry?
Now, I personally don’t believe in bigfoot, but, if he does exist, then the most likely explanation is he is some sort of monkey conspiracy to design a uber-monkey to one day overpower man. Now, while I revere the .45, I’d say, when in any area there are bigfoot sightings, treat it like your in an area with known grizzly attacks and thus keep a .44 magnum handy. My dad bought his first .44 magnum for when fishing in Alaska, and, though he encountered neither bear nor bigfoot, it’s just the smart thing to do.
Sderrick writes:
Alright, here’s a science question that I got confused over at first and my hippy boss tried to make me feel stupid about. If two particles are traveling at each other at the speed of light, what is their relative speed? The answer should be obvious but the real question is why.
Their relative speed will be the speed of light, as nothing can move faster than the speed of light. Seems like a paradox, doesn’t it? That’s because it is. Einstein realized this early on as a flaw to his theory of relativity, so he took the only remedy available: blackmail. Apparently, thought his research in physics, Einstein found some flaw in the universe so glaring that God would never want anyone to find out about it. So Einstein threatened God to make his speed of light paradox true or he would release his findings. God, Who is no stranger to paradoxes since He can both lift anything and make a rock He cannot lift, consented, but then cursed Einstein’s hair so that no comb made by mortal man could tame it. And thus the theory of relativity was given substance.
(Source: Fundamentals of Physics by David Halliday)

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Johnny – Oh writes:
I have made a public apology for not linking you first when I stared my blog. Please see http://closetextremist.blogspot.com/2004_03_28_closetextremist_archive.html#108101092423667306 for details.
All I need to know is, what is my punishment?
Fool! There will be no end to the punishment for your blasphemy! You shall never receive a link from me, and, furthermore, you will… oh crap.
TXVet from San Antonio writes:
Okey Dokey Frankie
you crazy lil ninja monkey you
I Gotcha…
Assume entropy is truth.
Answer this:
Why did I bother to click send ?
Because of free will, the most volatile form of entropy. It is the variable that can’t be solved, the factor that can not be compensated for, and the greatest random number generator. From it chaos flows, and no action in this world can be predicted with certainty.
Plus, it would have been stupid to write an e-mail and not send it.
Jason H from Austin, Texas where hippies are free to express “opinions” writes:
Frank, with all the talk of global warming on ol’ Mother Earth, I couldn’t help but think that the Earth goes through natural cycles. Now, females have “cycles” too, and, if the Earth (MOTHER Earth) is a woman, could it be possible that maybe the Earth is just on it’s period and we don’t know about it? Could global warming just be the equivalent of a “hot flash?” Thanks.
As I already told Michele, no feminine hygiene questions.
Wacky Hermit of Organic Baby Farm:
1) What does the “foo’ ” signify in the name of your brother, Joe foo’ the Marine?
2) Passing on a math question from one of my calculus students:
Is there another way to integrate the function (sqrt x) / (x-4), besides substituting u^2 = x and then doing partial fractions with a long division?
1) “foo'” is an abbreviation for “fool”, and I call my brother “Joe foo'” ’cause he’s a foo’. Damn foo’ still hasn’t sent me the wedding photos I asked for or his Peace Gallery photos from his Marine training. He is free to rebut the charges of being a foo’, but I think it will be hard.
2) Yes there is, but you need Greek letters which I don’t know how to represent in HTML. Yes, Greek letters will solve it. Muh ha ha ha!
Reva from Berkeley:
Hi Frank! I have been reading your site for a long while now, and while technically I don’t ever post comments or what have you, I still feel like I’m part of the IMAO community. But recently, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend. You see, I introduced my friend, known to IMAO readers as BerkeleyGirl, to your site a few months ago, and now all of a sudden she’s the one everybody knows, although I should be the original BerkeleyGirl, having been here at least a year earlier. I assumed that you’d know this, being as all-powerful as you are, but somehow I seemed to have slipped on your supernatural radar. Which begs the question, how could such an oversight happen, Frank? Don’t worry, I am not doubting you, because I’m rather afraid that one day I’d wake up and there would be ninjas/monkeys/ninja monkeys waiting outside my door to teach me a lesson for my insolence. But what other nifty Berkeley moniker could I be known by since my lovely friend has already taken BerkeleyGirl? And how can I communicate my impressive status as longest-standing IMAO reader from Berkeley? (And if anyone else from here e-mails you and says he’s been reading longer, you just tell him I’ll fight him for the title!) Thanks Frank!
You know, I wrote the whole IMAO Rules and Regulations book so I wouldn’t get sent questions like this. If you look at page 1,043, section 67, subsection B.4.2, paragraph 4, it says:

If there is a readership dispute from two women from the city hereunto referred to as Berkeley as to who’s readership makes one more deserving of “BerkeleyGirl”, then a simple competition shall settle this matter. Being that Berkeley is full of hippies and this displeases the author of IMAO, each supposed BerekleyGirl shall thus slay the hippies, cleaning and stacking their skulls into a pyramid. After a set time of one month (30 days), the height of the pyramids shall be checked by a standard measure and then one woman shall be declared the victor. She shall then be known as “The Queen of Berkeley” – and not the gay meaning of queen – and she shall be rewarded with gold, silver, jewels, and boxes Ramen noodles. She shall then be exalted above all, and who does not bow before her will be cursed to have his web browser crash anytime he tries to view the delights of IMAO. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Oh, and you could compete in the IMAO T-Shirt Babe competition. That will work too.

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Bob from Michigan writes:
I was travelling on business last week and saw a group of people, including one man wearing a shirt that had the flag and a print of the constitution on it.
When they came to a set of stairs, flanked by escalators, one member of the group took the escalator. The guy in the flag shirt said, “What, are you becoming an American now?” (must be implying we’re
lazy) But he had a FRENCH accent!
I wanted to grab him by the collar and say, “I’ll show you a lazy American, you cheese eating surrender monkey!” and then punch him in the face. But then I realized that I might get blood on Old Glory and the US Constitution!
What’s the proper etiquette for punching the French when they’re wearing flag shirts? Was the shirt just a French ploy to keep from getting punched?
It’s a common French ploy to wear sacred American symbols to keep us from beating them. The easiest solution is to quickly wrap the Frenchman around the torso with a garbage bag and then punch him in the face. That will keep blood from getting on the flag or Constitution while allowing a sound beating.
mt in big D asks:
what evil forces cause the phenomenon known as a brain freeze when i am enjoying a delicious frozen margarita? is there a way we can put a stop to all this senseless pain and suffering?
That pain is from God – who is a Mormon – punishing you for consuming alcohol. Why He singles out margarita drinkers, I don’t know; the ways of God are mysterious.
The best way to stop the pain is to drink Guinness instead – the official beer of IMAO.
Mmm… Guinness. It’s black – like my heart.
Chase Bradstreet from Hoover, AL. writes:
Safety pinned onto my backpack is a piece of paper with the words “Club Liberals, Not Sandwiches” and a picture of a sandwich with a red circle and line through it. The school administration told me this was “grossly offensive” and ordered me to remove it. Should I continue to sport this slogan and encourage the long-needed cudgeling of liberals everywhere?
You, sir, have the freedom of speech to stand up for, and, more importantly, the freedom of beating those who deserve it. Your school administration is obviously liberals, so beat them. Then eat a sandwich.
Terri from New Orleans writes:
Dearest Frank,
I’ve recently been hit with a dilemma (and perhaps an inability to spell…):
I’m Creole (which, I suppose, is Black in the rest of the country). I’m Catholic. I’m from New Orleans.
So, logically, I should be anti-semitic, right?
Well, I try. I try really hard. I keep reminding myself that some of Mengele’s experiments really were useful for modern medicine. I’m fluent in German. I’m anti-Israel. I eat pork on a daily basis…
but all my friends are Jewish.
Does this make me a hypocrite? Is it wrong to hate the group (Jews) and love the individuals (like B. Applebaum and G. Stein)? Is it really part of my duty as a Catholic to be anti-semitic? Should my anti-semitism cover all semitic-speaking peoples (including muslims) and discard non semitic-speaking peoples (like Jews who don’t speak Hebrew)?
I’m so confused.
I need answers.
And the Pope never answers my e-mails.
I’m sorry the Pope never answer your e-mails; he’s a busy guy. In short, you probably shouldn’t be anti-Semitic, as we’ve never figured out how far the Zionist Conspiracy goes. The whole Catholic Church… and maybe even Jesus… could be Zionist Conspirators. Mohammed definitely is. So keep your Jewish friends, and do whatever they tell you. There could be huge consequences otherwise.
Wesley from Halliburton’s secret HQ under the Bush family ranch’s outhouse (The toilet roll dispenser is used to enter the combination) asks:
To what music is it best to bomb terrorists to?
I always liked “Welcome to the Jungle” because of the “NOW YOU’RE GONNA DIE!!!” line. But, you can’t go wrong with classics such as “Ride of the Valkyries”. I should make a Bomb Terrorists mix CD. Anyone else have ideas? Put them in the comments.

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Sal from Chicago, IL writes:
The new terrorist bombers from the paleswinians are female. Prior to this, they kept their females for breeding purposes and only offed them for “honor” killings. They breed at a rate of X per year and used to kill themselves off at a rate of Y per year, but now, with female bombers, their breeding rate should be slower. How soon before they’re gone?
First of all, they’re “Palestinians”. There is no reason to use name calling against sub-human murderers. Secondly, the last female bomber abandoned two children when she blew herself up, thus there was no net loss. They’re wilier than you think.
Phelps, from the state of Denial, asks:
Given that John Kerry won’t say who the world leaders are who have endorsed him, what are the chances that he has secured the Fascist McFascist endoresment and doesn’t want anyone to know so that the Limey doesn’t find out and try to assassinate him by shouting Rage Against the Machine lyrics at him until Kerry cuts his own head off to escape the singing, and how are you coping with the knowledge that I totally kicked your ass in the “Win Frank’s Funny” contest even though I wasn’t an official participant? Does beer help?
As for your first question, I don’t want to answer that. Saying Kerry secured the Fascist McFascist vote sounds too much like a polemic… even if it’s true. Maybe I’ll speak up if I see him eating apricots.
As for your second question, you weren’t a participant, so you didn’t even get a chance to lose. In any fair fight, I would have beaten you and anyone else. That’s what defines “fair”.
Laurence Simon from Houston, TX writes:
I like eating Hebrew National Beef Franks.
I looked all over the grocery store but I couldn’t find the other (insert language here) National Beef Franks? No French National Beef Franks. No Spanish National Beef Franks. No Swahili National Beef Franks.
Did they all go out of business or something?
Yay! It’s Laurence! One of my first questioners (who then got me accused of blasphemy).
As for your question, haven’t you heard the jingle, “No one makes a frank like a Hebrew.”?
Actually, the real answer is less singable. While the Latin National Beef Franks and the Aramaic National Beef Franks did go out of business, the rest were destroyed by the Zionist Conspiracy (except for the French National Beef Franks which was acquire in a hostile takeover by the German National Beef Franks). We could be eating all sorts of National Beef Franks if it weren’t for the jooooos!
Sorry; I just like shouting, “Jooooos!”
BerkeleyGirl (presumably in Berkeley) writes:
I have a critical question. I’m in ROTC (scholarship, thank you very much) and am contracted, which means that as soon as I graduate from college in a few short years, I will be immediately contracted into the Army and shipped out. I have no problem with this, as I did apply to get into the program (and wasn’t drafted or anything!) My real problem is this- What if, by some strange chance, i.e. “voter problems” in Florida, we all turn socialist like the Spanish, or some other crazy thing, Kerry actually becomes President? That would mean that he’d be my Commander in Chief and I’d have to do what he says. So, in the offchance that he does pull off enough votes to beat out a real American for the position of President, should I stick with the Army and just bite my tongue (argh, superiors!) or run away to Canada like a sissy? (Hell, nevermind Canada, if I’m going to be a deserter might as well go somewhere nice… like Jamaica… I don’t know, I’ll have time to figure that out later). Thanks for any suggestions.
P.S. I’m still waiting for my free t-shirt so I can send you the pics… and if you do ever come to California, I’m here! (and so is CCinCali, and a lot of my good -younger- friends who are major fans of yours)… just throwing that out there…
I say, if Kerry gets elected, the military will need you more than ever. Democrats are always trying to turn the military into some little social club, and we need lots of right minded people (especially the large scary ones with guns) in the military to dissuade them. The military still kept it’s killing power during the Clinton years, and they can survive a John F’n Kerry.
As for your P.S., maybe I can visit my sister in Cali and say, “Hi.” I really should do a national tour just for the ladies, instead of staying here in Melbourne, Florida where there are no women and I keep growing more bitter each day.
Hey! I could do like a blogger version of The Bachelor! That’s one to file away for later…
Alex from Ye Olde England writes:
I have a absolutely wonderful blonde Republican g/f(gotta be nice as she reads this site), but unfortunately we are separated by over 3500 miles – she goes to College in Cali and I’m in the UK. Any advice on how to keep our own “special relationship” working with such a distance until I make the move to the US after graduating?
All the single women here in America I claim as my own; stay way from them! Why do need to find women here when you have your Margaret Thatcherseses in England?
Mike Webster from Dallas, Texas writes:
Please explain in simple layperson terms what a “quark” is, and why we cannot see them with our ordinary human-like eyes.
While you’re at it, how many “quarks”, if laid end to end, would fit in the ashtray of a 1999 Ford Explorer?
Quarks are the smallest know unit of matter (well the top quark isn’t that small) and they make up electrons and protons and maybe neutrons. They sit on the borderline between energy and matter. If you can’t see them, then just look harder.
Keep looking!
As for your second question, let’s count.
One.
Two.
Three.
:: crunch ::
Three.
Wait, what were we talking about?
Blake Hitchcock from McMinnville, Tennessee writes:
If a car is a moving at 60 miles per hour, then anything attached to or inside of said car is moving at 60 mile per hour.
Einstein said nothing can travel faster than the speed of light.
If the headlights are on, and a the car is moving 60 miles per hour, then wouldn’t the light be traveling at light speed plus 60?
No, because of relativity.
…
Oh, how does relativity work, you ask. Well, its… uh… I know I heard the answer to this before… it’s because when something going to speed of light is observed it looks the speed of light to someone both in the car and outside because… uh… Hey! What’s that over there!
(runs away)

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Jay from Ann Arbor, Michigan writes:
Hey, Frank. Yesterday I got my hair cut at Supercuts and as I was paying
the cashier she said that my haircut was “guaranteed for one week”. Do you
think this means that for the next 6 days I am immune to late-night monkey
ninja scalping attacks? If so, how can I best take advantage of the
situation?
Actually, a haircut warranty just protects against a total hairstyle collapse, causing all your hair to droop down your head like you’re some hippy. Late-night monkey ninja scalping attacks should be covered under your homeowner’s or renters insurance (if they happen at your place).
Rick from Randolph
Frank, a long haired guy with a beard (who’s not a hippy, by the way, just an old biker-dude-Nam-era-patriotic-veteran-guy) showed me this card trick where no matter what you do, all the aces come out in the same pile every time. He says it’s trigonometry, but he can’t explain it. Please explain the trigonometricisity of this trick.
So you wan to know want to know what’s behind this vaguely described card trick? It’s sine… and arcsine. Not so special when you know how it works, huh?
This reminds me of a card trick I learned from Mr. Wizard more than a year ago. You have someone pick a card, then you shuffle the deck. Next you lay the cards in three columns putting one in the first column, the next card in the second column, the next the third column, and then back the first column and so on. Ask the person which column has his or her card. Put the deck back together with that column on top, and then repeat laying the cards out in three columns. After the third time of doing this, the person’s card will be on top.
Whatever happened to Mr. Wizard? Rumor has it that he was trying to teach something to little Timmy when an explosion of chemicals horribly mutated him. Now he searches the sewers for victims to suck the blood from. Anyone know if that’s true?
Denny Stone from Oklahoma:
Have you ever considered putting your In My World™ series or any of your other great satires to voice and trying to publish them for news talk radio? I think you should… oh, and if you do and it makes you rich and famous will you give me a cut of the wealth… or at least let me have some fame by telling people you’re my best friend?
I could lie and say you’re my friend, but no money.
This is a great idea… but how do you get on the radio? Guess that would have been a good question for G. Gordon Liddy. Everyone has all these suggestions like doing radio sketches and getting published which are like good suggestions because I get money… but they’re like hard. I’ve tried e-mailing people and saying, “Hey! You publish me!” but it doesn’t work. I always thought that someone important would stumble on my website and give me money without me doing anything.
If you’re important, e-mail me for more information on giving me money.
Traveler from NW Ohio asks:
When does 1 + 1 not equal 2?
For very large values of 1.
Poosh from Britain writes:
It has been almost a year since that first ninja followed me home from school. I came to you for help and you told me to fight the ninja. That made things worse. You then told me to use ninja sprays. That made things worse. You then told me to use vegetarians against the mutant plants that took over my house as result from listening to your advice. That made things worse.
You see, using the internet I claimed I was holding a book club for vegetarians only. Sure enough no less than twenty vegetarians appeared at the set date and proceeded to cut and boil the legions of mutant flowers. I shouted “victory is in the hands of me — Poosh!” and proceeded to kick the vegetarians out of my house shouting “if you’re so concerned about the environment then STOP EATING IT.” I was ecstatic and set about a £20 note and some liquid silver as a thankyou present for you (Frank J). But before I knew it there was a tiny earthquake and thunderbolts and lighting; it was all very frightening. Then I was surrounded by coloUrs of all kinds and a being of great power appeared from nowhere and said “oh foolish Poosh, you have upset the balance of power! With the plant mutants gone the ninja hoards of Gothamorgmas will rise up and crush the British government and the official opposition leaving the Liberals as the only party of plausible governance!” NOOOO I screamed! “For know this Poosh, fate had no part in your inability to read the label on the ninja spray — it was the will of–” and then the great being of power vanished and all the coloUrs vanished. I realised a great quest had been handed to me. In listening to your advice I had destroyed the plant mutants whose ultimate purpose was to destroy the ninja hoards of Gothamorgmas thus restoring the balance of power — thus it is left to me to take on the ninja hoards and repair the damage that your advice had given rise to. But as I descended the stairs for a cup of tea I tripped, hitting my head against the cat. I’ve been in a coma for almost a year and have only recently awoken.
So Frank J! What should I do? What advice have you to offer me? I have an air-rifle and British grit as my quest items and British sarcasm is deadly in the right hands! Do you think The Limey is behind Gothamorgmas? What words of wisdom can you offer me?
The advice you gave me:
3 https://www.imao.us/index.php/2003/06/frank-answers-commie-condiments-ninja-sprays-and-boxing-day/#000760
2 https://www.imao.us/index.php/2003/06/frank-answers-virgins-in-heaven-cycle-of-violence-and-more-ninja-trouble/#000693
1 https://www.imao.us/index.php/2003/05/frank-answers-trees-aerodynamics-and-ninjas/#000646
PS: Have we liberated Iraq yet or did the peaceniks get their way?
Poosh, Poosh, Poosh… if only you were better at following my advice this would never happen. Yes, it’s possible The Limey is supporting the ninjas as he likes all terrorist group, and no terrorist group is older than the ninjas. You could attack The Limey – which would be easier – but the ninjas would still run wild. Thus, I will give you advice on ninja fighting:
* If they kick high, duck.
* If they kick low, jump.
* If they kick middle, you’re screwed. Tell them not to quick middle.
* If they throw a star at you, don’t try and catch it because it’s sharp. Just get out of the way.
* If they swing a sword at you, don’t let it hit you… it could be dirty and give you an infection.
* If a ninja offers you candy, don’t take it.
* You must fight back with fists of fury and feet of irateness.
* Don’t shoot them with an air rifle – that will just make them angry.
* So will British sarcasm.
If you follow that advice, you will defeat all the ninjas. If you don’t defeat all the ninjas, then you’re a bad listener.
And we did liberate Iraq, much to the anger of the peaceniks who gnash their teeth and stomp their feet as the Iraqis get democracy.
Sean from Houston, TX writes:
I have a science question for you. I have heard that one the dangers of space flight limiting the exploration of the galaxy is the random patches of high energy radiation flying around that would kill a human and would be difficult to block since a few meters of iron shielding would be difficult to get around. What is the answer to this problem?
Stay out of space.
Sean from Houston, TX also writes:
Public key encryption has revolutionized internet security, but how safe is the info protected by it since the prime numbers that require factorization to beat them can be cracked by super computers in a matter of decades? Hello! Does anybody see a problem with this. People will be able to read in private emails about my cartoon watching habits with relative impunity in 15 years.
Woo hoo! A cryptography question. Actually, the length of time your data is the secure is based on a number of factors. As we all know, public/private key encryption is made by taking two very large prime numbers and multiplying them together. How large are these primes? Take a large prime like 7919. That’s nothing to these huge primes! That’s just a germ! These primes are so big that, if you saw one, you’d be like, “Hot damn! That prime is huge!” And the larger the primes, the safer the data. By using larger primes, you can keep your data safer than 15 years… by current techniques. The idea is that factoring a number made by the product of two large primes is intractable (that’s cryptography talk for “We’re pretty sure they can’t do that.”). But, if some math-mo-tician comes up when some super new prime factoring method, then all private/public key encryption is worthless.
And private/public key encryption is hard to do, so it’s never used to encrypt data. Usually, it encrypts the key for regular shared-key encryption such as triple-DES or the funky new kid in town, Rijindael (AES). Now, while you need like thousands of bits long key for private/public key encryption to keep your data safe, a 128-bit shared key encryption would take like 8 quintillion years to decrypt now using a supercomputer. So does that mean you data is safe for that long?
No!
Because of Moore’s Law (processing power doubling every one and a half years), your data is only safe for like sixty years. So what can you do if you don’t want future archeologists from decrypting your data when they remove it from your tomb ten thousand years from now? One recommendation is to always use a hex key of all F’s; that way, if someone tries to brute force your encryption (try every key) yours will be the last one they try.
Then again, if quantum computers work, people will be able to try all keys at the same time, and no key size will keep you safe. In the end, the best way to keep your data safe is to put it in a sock and hide it behind your couch.
Pumpk!nHead in Knoxville,TN
My son is almost 4. He is a very intelligent little boy. He can count to 100 and to 20 in Spanish. He is already reading some words. My problem is he has a bad Southern accent. How do I get rid of the accent? He sounds like a moron.
Now, I don’t have kids… or can even stand the sight of them, but I always wiling to give advice on child rearing. I’d say hit him each time he sounds dumb. Then he’ll learn not to sound dumb or to not talk at all. It’s all good.

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Martin writes:
I am a National Guardsman currently serving in the Middle East with Operation Iraqi Freedom. Once I get back to the US, don’t you think I should be entitled to pump as much free gas into my huge SUV as I want? After all, I helped steal Iraqi oil, am I not entitled to my cut?
A National Guardsman serving overseas? I thought only rich people joined the National Guard to avoid service?
I think all our troops deserve as much free gas as you want for helping steal that oil, but I don’t set public policy; I only gripe about it. So everyone call your congressman or woman and say Martin should get free gas or threaten not to vote for him or her. Congress people hate not getting voted for.
Poosh from England writes:
Dear Frank, I am quite frankly disturbed by Tony Pentin’s tone. His hate mail directed at you has aggravated me greatly. You see, I too am an Englishman and I can’t stand the thought of a retarded jelly-moose like Tony living on my Island. So, I ask you, Frank – how do you want me to destroy him? Be warned though, guns are illegal in England so I can’t shoot him. Well, I could with a cross-bow I suppose.
Hey Poosh! How are the ninjas?
Anyway, as long as I find The Limey entertaining, let’s not kill him. Inevitably, I’ll tire of him or he’ll stop responding, and thus he’ll need to be eliminated. If you don’t have a gun (poor Poosh), you could always do things the Rumsfeld way and strangle him. Or you could poison his tea just before teatime. Or you could stage him to be the victim as a soccer riot. There are lots of way to kill people in England; you just have to be creative.
Dan from Auburn, AL writes:
What does the ‘A’ in ‘IMAO’ stand for?
Let’s make a deal; I’ll tell you what the ‘A’ stands for, but you have to tell me what the ‘I’, ‘M’, and ‘O’ stand for because I’m really curious.
Wacky Hermit from Undisclosed Mountain State,
Now that you’re sold out of 2XL IMAO t-shirts, will there be a size large enough for Michael Moore to wear when he comes crawling back to you repenting of his evil ways?
Actually, since Doug the t-shirt guy forgot to list them for a month or so, there should be a decent number of 3XL left. So, if you got a lot of t-shirt to fill, or you’re really small and want your own IMAO tent, buy a 3XL.
George S. at 16 floors above street level, Central Texas writes:
I understand downloading copyrighted music from the Internet is illegal, but is it immoral? If immoral, is it a venial sin or a mortal sin? Isn’t downloadable music really a public good, as my enjoyment of it does not lessen another person’s enjoyment of it and it is cost prohibitive to prevent folks from downloading music? I’ve got to go to confession soon, so I need to know whether this is a sin or not.
I find the best way to deal with moral issues is to not think about them; then you don’t have to worry about guilt or nothing.
Now quiet; Metallica has just started up on my playlist.

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Carissa (and Reva) from Berkeley, CA write:
I go to school at UC Bezerkeley, and am active in the Republican club up here(thank God, or I’d have turned homicidal by now… either that or hippie, not sure which would be worse… but I digress…) This Friday, John Kerry is holding a special event in nearby Oakland and some friends and I were planning on going in all our Republican gear, just to piss him off. However, his rally is being held at the local teamsters union hall, and I’m worried about health risks that are associated with going to such a place. What do you recommend? Is it worth the potential life-threatening effect to associate ourselves with such an organization, even if it is to taunt a Democrat? We’re quite torn and thought you could offer the best advise on the matter… so please help, our lives rest in your hands!
I’ll talk from experience here. During the 2000 campaign season, Al Gore came to speak at my college, Carnegie Mellon University. He happened to be speaking from the front steps of the building where my lab was, and, at the time he was speaking, I had to get a lab assignment checked off. So I end up having to fight my way past Secret Service agents to find a back entrance to the building, just barely getting there in time. I did get one glance of Al Gore through the windows at the front of the building and gave him the evil eye.
But that’s neither here nor there. A friend of mind did attend the speech, and he had a bumper sticker for Senator Rick Santorum on a folder he was carrying. A teamster then grabbed his folder and ripped up the homework. I don’t know how your professors will react to, “A teamster ripped up my homework.”
Anyway, teamsters are mindless, angry brutes, and I wouldn’t recommend confronting them unless you are well versed in ninjitsu or are lowered into the crowd in a steel cage to taunt them from. What do you call that? Oh yeah, a teamster cage. If you don’t have the cage, I’d bait the Democrats the usual way we do, by being capitalistic.
matt l from Dallas, TX asks:
Who would win in a battle between the Red Baron and The Green Giant?
The Green Giant because he eats his vegetables. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Oh, AND DON’T DO CRACK!!!
Doug from NC writes:
Hey, Frank. When I reverse the batteries in my little fan, it runs backwards; but when I reverse the batteries in my flashlight, things don’t get darker. What am I missing?
Well, I went to the local sciencetorium to find this out. The question was immediately met with, “Heathen! Bring your godless notions elsewhere!”
Another scientist said, “Follow the marking of the poles, fool boy; they are there for your protection.”
“But I’m curious,” I answered.
“Science is not about curiosity!” he shouted, “It’s about preserving order! Now be gone!”
“Wankers,” I uttered as I went back home.
I tried putting the batteries in backwards in a cheap flashlight I got from the supermarket. Nothing happened. So I opened it up. Ends up that inside was a little thing on the circuit that said, “ELECTRICTY FLOW GUARD – DO NOT REMOVE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD”. So I took it out and turned the flashlight.
Ends up, now the flashlight did not just make things darker, but permanently removed the light from whatever I pointed it at. And, in that darkness, I could hear the wailing and moaning of many spirits. One spoke to me.
“Thank you for creating this eternal darkness in which we can exist,” it told me in a harsh whisper, “Now once again we demons can plague your world.”
And I was like, “Wow! Demons! Cool!”
So I guess flashlight companies got sued a while ago for releasing demons, so they put that thing in there to keep batteries from working in it backwards. Stupid trial lawyers.

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Traveler from NW Ohio writes
Given the following Black-hole Dynamic Laws …
first law of black hole dynamics
For interactions between black holes and normal matter, the conservation laws of mass-energy, electric charge, linear momentum, and angular momentum, hold. This is analogous to the first law of thermodynamics.
second law of black hole dynamics
With black-hole interactions, or interactions between black holes and normal matter, the sum of the surface areas of all black holes involved can never decrease. This is analogous to the second law of thermodynamics, with the surface areas of the black holes being a measure of the entropy of the system.
How much force would it take to make Michael Moore implode?
About one more taco will do it.
Actually, I think we should start a fund to feed Michael Moore until he implodes, sending him random gifts of fatty goods. If it’s timed right, he’ll suck a bunch of his liberal admirers into the black hole he makes from himself, creating one extremely annoying and obnoxious singularity.
matt l from Big D, TX asks:
Now that we own our own oil producing country, why do gas prices continue to rise? Shouldn’t I now be able to fill up my Freedom loving suv for free? (while all those dirty hippies and protesters pay double, and clean my house)
Why would you want dirty hippies and protestors cleaning your house? But this is Frank Answers™, not Frank Questions™.
Anyway, I was a little surprised by gas prices myself. I thought since we just traded all that blood for oil, we would be paying ten cents a gallon now. But inside sources tell me they’re saving it for Bush’s reelection. If he gets reelected, free oil for everyone who supported the war. If he loses, he’ll spray all the oil on everyone who didn’t support him and set them on fire.
Actually, he might do that either way.
Clint the Cool Guy from Texarkana, TX asks:
1. If you could become invisible, would you still be able to see?
2. Do you report your website earnings on your income tax?
1. No, because light needs to reflect off your eye for you to be able to see, and, if light reflects off something, it is also seen (and thus wouldn’t be invisible). Solutions are to just have your eyes visible and totally freak people out or be completely invisible and blind and bumping into everything and people are like, “What the hell is bumping into everything? It’s like some moronic poltergeist!” and they’d be totally freaked out.
But if you’re already blind and used to it, like Zatoichi, the blind samurai, then being invisible would totally rock.
2. Uh… I dunno. Maybe I’ll bring that up on H&R Block, but if I don’t report them, everyone who visits this site claim you do it for charity.
Will in Knoxvvegas, Tennessee writes:
I’m sad about Rachel Lucas shutting down her blog. What can you do to get her back? Maybe a team of Stealth Ninjas to “change her boss’ mind” to give her a full weeks pay, while actually dropping her from all work responsibilities? I think if I worked too much and had no time to blog, that would be enough to get me back. Maybe I’ve just got a narcissistic disorder too. Sweet.
Rachel Lucas was a great blogger, and she helped me move to MT and even made the logo you see above, but I’m afraid she is never coming back.
Rachel Lucas is dead.
I’m sorry to report it, but I was the one to ID her after the fiery car accident. The only identification left was a rant written on the back of a napkin – the style unmistakably Rachel’s – plus a few pictures of her dog Sunny. Just let the world know that she died as she lived: hating Michael Moore and Barbra Streisand.
Wacky Hermit from Undisclosed Mountain State
Bread always lands butter side down, and cats always land on their feet. So if you securely strap a piece of buttered bread, butter side up, to the back of a cat and drop the ensemble off the top of a building, what happens at the bottom?
The easiest way to find the answer to this would be to strap the said buttered bread to said cat and throw him off said building, but that’s not scientifical. Science involves equations and theories.
Now, a cat lands on its feet because of an innate sense of equilibrium. Buttered bread lands butter side down for the sake of irony. The question is which force is more powerful? To me, the power of irony would only overpower the cat’s sense of equilibrium if someone really intended on eating that bread:
“Now, Mittens, I’m going to strap this piece of buttered bread to you for safe keeping as I’m really hungry… No stay away from the edge of the building, Mittens! Now land on your feet as always… Nooo! Not your back! My piece of bread is ruined! And Mittens had always landed on his feet before. Why, God, why?”
John S. from Valdez, Alaska writes:
Frank, I live in Alaska in a place where we get a lot of snow. Where does all the white go when the snow melts in the spring?
I used to live in Alaska, too, and I once stumbled upon the answer. Ends up all the white goes into an underground cave run by little gnomes who then package it up and sell it to the Colombians who then sell it back to Americans as cocaine. It seems like an inefficient process, but your know how magical gnomes are.
Mike Webster from Dallas, Texas asks:
If E=mc^2, what happens if you only double mc?
Well, then you get two times mc, and don’t you dare try and pass that off as energy because no one is going to believe it. Once the power company tried to sell me 2mc instead of real E, and I found out right away and was like, “Hey! Jerk-offs! Give me the good stuff before I punch you in the face!”
Yeah, that’s right. Don’t try and get any of that 2mc crap pass Frank.
Kelly (aka The Patriette) from somewhere in the middle of Texas writes:
1. With your infinite knowledge, why aren’t you running for President? We could use someone with your type of ideas.
2. If President Bush were to select you to replace Dick Cheney as his running mate, what would you do?
1. Some jackass put in the Constitution you have to be 35 to be president, making me eleven years lacking. Other than that, I’d so be president right now. Anyway, Frank for President in 2016 (presumably right after Condi finishes her second term).
2. Total crime spree, dude. I wouldn’t have anything better to do, and my best bud has pardon power, so look out! We’re talking daring daylight robberies followed by bar fights all night long. Watch out, everyone, Frank’s the VP, and you can’t touch me. Woo-hoo!

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Scott from The Frozen Tundra Of Minnesota asks:
If I actually remembered to sign up with Netflix through your site (thus netting you $9 and contributing to your plan to make a bajillion dollars), do I get an honorable mention in an “In My World” piece?
Why would you need any other prize that the many great DVD’s you’ll receive through the mail now that you’re a Netflix member. I know I sure enjoy it… or at least I did when my widescreen TV was working. I better get it back today as I have Pirates of the Caribbean, Underworld, and Once a Time in Mexico waiting.
Oh, and everyone else sign up through my button for Netflix too so I get more money and you get movies. Everyone wins.
Brandon G. from Bramble, IN writes:
Help. I’ve been seeing commercials for “Parents: The Anti-Drug.” All well and good, but I’ve seen commercials for “Responsibility: The Anti-Drug.” I went to anti-drug.com in hopes of gleaning once and for all what the anti-drug of choice is, but instead, I also found “Volunteerism: The Anti-Drug,” “Talking To Your Daughter: The Anti-Drug” and “Reality: The Anti-Drug.”
Frank, I’m so confused now. With so many anti-drugs on the market, how will I know which one’s right for me?
The idea is that you need to find your own anti-drug by constantly experimenting with all sorts of different anti-drugs to see which one gives you the best anti-high.
My anti-drug is booze, BTW.
Lou Windsor asks:
When will all the Hippies die?
When we kill them, Lou. When we kill them.
Alex from Ye Olde England from:
Frank – thanks for your advice on joining the military reserve. My next question is this: I sometimes see people waving signs saying “Free Palestine!”…but where do I get my free Palestine? Does it come in a Happy Meal or something? I would ask but the people waving the signs smell funny.
Ever come to think why they’re giving it away? It’s because it’s full of murderous Palestinians, blowing themselves up and others. Hell, I’d bet some would pay you take their Palestine off their hands. Frankly, I’d just stick to trying free cheese samples as the supermarket.
Jona G. from Higley, AZ writes:
Frank, Drudge Report just had a news article stating that only 15% of Canadians would vote for George Bush. I’m at a loss as to why this is even newsworthy. Isn’t that like saying that only 15% of Mexicans would vote for Vladimir Putin? I mean, who cares? And who is this moron polling Canadians on something they will never be able to do? And why are these Canadians dumb enough to respond to these “fantasy vote” questions? I’m perplexed.
Well, Canadians are quite dumb; that’s why they’re not Americans. To be the most kick ass country around, we have to be a little discriminating about who can be our citizens. Now, the Canadians are upset that most Americans don’t even know where they are, so they do stuff like this to say, “Hey! Pay attention to us, eh!” Don’t fall for it.
If someone asks you what’s up north, tell them Maine. If they ask you what’s further north than that, just say barren wasteland in which no man can survive and not be inconsequential.
Mark from Olympia, Washington asks:
1. How many rocks would the Mars explorers have to photograph to justify
spending 800 million bucks on the mission?
2. If the explorers discover there was once water on Mars, what should
we do next?
1. 47
2. We should steal all the water from the Martian people despite all the hippy protests of “No Green Ooze for Water”.

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Elliot Temple from Berkeley, California writes:
I just saw an episode of Kim Possible where a super villain trains monkey ninjas. The monkey ninjas live through the episode. My question is do you know a good brand of sleeping pills?
Yes, but they’re prescription only. I recommend whiskey. Just like my dad always told me: “Through the most troubling times, whiskey will never let you down, son. Now it’s time for your daily beating!”
Jason from Binghamton writes:
I was using my parents computer this weekend. They have a blocker through their ISP that keeps you from being able to look at porn. It also keeps me from viewing IMAO. Is this a conspiracy against you?
Yes, absolutely. Most people would immediately blame a Zionists conspiracy for anything, but I think this is the work of the Illuminati, a secret, evil organization that your parents are probably part of. My opinion is that you should shut up and mention this no more, as you will be disappeared. Then again, you’re not able to read this advice, so do what you want.
Phil from Phoenix writes:
I recently attended a conference where they talked about approaching problem-solving by the use of algorithms. Is this method named after Al Gore? Did he invent it like he did the Internet?
Webster’s dictionary says the word originated in 825 A.D. Thus, if it were named after Al Gore, that would mean Al Gore is an ancient, evil robot created by aliens… just as I always suspected.
Anyway, I would avoid algorithms. Me, I love heuristics. It’s a lot like bullsh*ing, but more scientifical.
MAJ Mike asks:
When will there be Chomps t-shirt? My students would be soooo jealous.
There are a number of points here. First, if you want more t-shirts from IMAO, you have to buy my current one to prove I have power to move merchandise. Secondly, Chomps was inspired mainly by Emperor Misha I’s logo, and I’m afraid any t-shirt would look too much like it. Finally, a t-shirt depicting Chomps totally freaking out and getting angry would take so powerful a printing that wardrobe malfunctions would be likely, and I don’t know if Doug from ThoseShirts.com has the insurance for that.
Bobo from the Atlanta Zoo
Do you separate Monkeys and Apes in your blatant discrimination of the Simian Race? Or do you discriminate against them equally?
I don’t buy this monkey/ape distinction; they’re all just monkeys to me. You hear that, Bobo? You’re a dead monkey… dead! I’m going to use you to help coin a new phrase: “As fun as shooting monkeys in a barrel.”
Jay from Brooklyn writes:
I have heard a lot about “The arab street” lately. Do you know where the arab street is? If so, what is the actual name of that street? I’m guessing it’s something spelled with a “Q” instead of with a K or C. That is so obnoxious.
You’re probably right about it having some wacky ‘Q’ in it, but I honestly don’t know the name of the Arab Street, and, if I did, I probably would not be able to pronounce it. My guess, though, is that the Arab Street is somewhere in Saudi Arabia and you’ll easily be able to identify it by a big sign that says “Caution: Stampedes”.

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Miranda from Pick a city writes:
“Larry Purpuro, coordinator of the Republicans’ e.GOP Project in 2000, said many bloggers were little more than `armchair analysts in their bathrobes [with] no serious interest in leaving their living rooms to actually help the campaigns.'”
Inquiring minds want to know: Do Samurai wear bathrobes?
Well, the clothing has been compared to pajamas, but I never wear a bathrobe because this is Florida and it is too warm here. Plus, I live in my own house; at who’s accord am I being modest?
Right now I’m blogging in jam-jam bottoms and a white undershirt. Take that, Purpuro!
Earl from Des Moines, Iowa who forgot to include her URL as instructed asks:
When you become the next Dave Barry will you use your site for shameless self-promotion, abandon it altogether, or name a successor? How about Wind Rider (http://silentrunning.tv/)? Or is it too early to start nominating people?
When I become rich and powerful, I will crush anyone who might be a threat to me. There will be no successor! If Wind Rider is any good at humor, he will be destroyed! There will only be Frank! And all will mourn and weep my passing!
Edward C. writes:
Can you incorporate the term “tin-foil hats” into more of your humor? I just crack up every time I hear that.
Sorry, but Kucinich isn’t going to get the nomination.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Dave F from Burlington, CT writes:
Frank, I heard that California is planning to issue drivers license’s to illegal aliens. Why would a monster who flies a spaceship need a license?
Because speeding down the highway is cool, dude. If you’ve every flown a spaceship, it big and unwieldy, I tell ya, while a Corvette is sleek, yo. And an alien is already in enough trouble being chased by men in black; last thing he needs is to be put in jail for driving illegally.
Tim from Seoul Korea writes:
If, as according to popular scientific theory, the universe is curved on itself – have you ever worried that you are so far right that you may actually end up on the left?
That’s crazy talk. I could never be liberal, no matter what the circumstances. Once, a scientist told me that in some parallel universe there would be a liberal Frank J., and I beat him. And I mean severely. He won’t walk again. So who won that scientific debate? That’s right; score one for the Frankster.
Now no more talking about this.
Pam from Ohio writes:
Who is Pedro and why is he calling me?
PS His calls started the same day I started reading IMAO…mmmm
We don’t talk about Pedro. Next question.
Pedro asks:
About that female Hamas terrorist who recently murdered four Israelis, was she a lesbian? Will she get those 72 virgins?
Oh yeah; 73 women making out for eternity. Now there’s a heaven, heh heh.
…wait, I mean that’s deviant and wrong. I’m a good Catholic boy. Stop putting thought like this in my head.
M. McClain (MAJ Mike) from San Antonio writes:
Question – 9mm or cal. 45 ACP? Beretta or M1911A1?
I’m e-mailing from deep cover at my high school while my students are
taking a Geography test.
Good use of your time, sir… except the answer to that question should be pretty obvious to my avid readers. Maybe this graphic sent in by a reader can clear up things.
Ruth in NC asks:
Are you a ninja or a pirate?
I am a samurai, and I fight with honor, my sword of justice striking down both pirate and ninja. Duh.
Elliot Temple from Berkeley, California asks:
Is evolution true? Does evolution really say my great grandfather was
a monkey?
No! It is a lie spread by monkey kind in a ploy to keep us from killing them. We actually evolved from the kangaroo, and that’s why there is a pouch on your stomach. Just trust me about the pouch and don’t look.
T.J. from Melbourne, FL writes:
President Bush has recently proposed plans to bring Americans back to the moon. How are we going to nuke the moon if Americans are going to be on it?
It’s just a matter of timing; don’t nuke the moon while Americans are there (but maybe while Chinese are). Also, maybe nuke the other side so as to not radiate our astronauts.
But we’re not talking about Nuke the Moon anymore; we’re talking about terrorists. So buy my new t-shirt.
NOW!

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Woty from Nigeria asks:
Are there ever going to be more nuke the moon shirts?
I’m sorry, Timmy, but there aren’t any plans for more Nuke the Moon t-shirts right now. Because of their high quality, there is a minimal amount that can be made at once, and I’m not sure I could sell that many more.
But there are still a number of my new shirt design left. Buy now, before they’re all gone! Now!
Ford from Flint, Michigan writes:
Usama seems to like to release audio recordings and videos. Do you think it’s just a matter of time before he releases a video game?
That’s certainly possible. Wow! What would I do if buying videogames supported terrorism? I’d have to choose between my own pleasure and supporting evil. Now I know how drug users feel.
Adam from Utah (only for as long as is absolutely imperative) writes:
My sister married a hippie and becomes more and more liberal by the day. I don’t know what angers me more, the fact that the so-called “higher education” system helped make her this way or that she currently teaches french and infects young high school minds with the same worthless filth every day. What should I do?
Well, in our superior culture, we don’t support honor killings of your sister, so you’ll have to handle the problem in a more subtle way. If my sister were liberal, I’d hit her with a stick (you hear that Sarah; if Hollywood turns you liberals, prepare for a stick hitting). Instead, you could use a painful, high-pitch signal each time she makes a liberal statement to try and train her. Also, you could hold her eyes up open while forcing her to watch images of French cowardice while Beethoven music plays. Whatever works.
Savannah McClelland from Lake Worth, FL writes:
My step-dad is a liberal. My mother is a conservative. They argue a lot, and it’s really difficult for me to deal with. You see, secretly, I’m a conservative myself, but I feel really bad always backing up my Mom. Kind of guilty, too. I mean my step-dad is nice and all; is it really his fault he’s wrong? The other day, my Mom found a high-powered hose, because my step-dad was chanting “Hell no, we won’t go!” and you know what, he still hasn’t recovered. But I did hear him say,”mumble mumble mumble neocon mumble…” as the ambulance was carrying him away. What should I do?
Wow! Are you related to Scott?
Hmm, seems like a lot of people are having problem with liberals in their families. My parents never allowed any liberals in ours, but I guess I was lucky. As for your situation, I guess you can’t break his kneecaps, because there’s like a Commandment saying you have to honor your mother and father, and it might also apply to step-dads (if you run into Jesus, have him confirm this). Hitting him with the high-powered hose was a good start, but more is needed. What I think there really needs to be is a support group for people with liberals in their family and a hotline you can call for advice. Someone give me millions of dollars and I’ll get that started nationwide.
Alex from Ye Olde England writes:
Greetings from the UK – I’m at College at the moment and am having to make a big decision – do I join a military/police reserve unit and do my bit for the War on Terrorism, or do I keep on writing right wing articles for my college magazine/generally disrupting commie activities on Campus (which I wouldn’t have time for and wouldn’t be allowed to due to regulations if I did join up)?
I’d say join. If you don’t get in the military and kill terrorists, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. Plus, since you live in England, it will be like your only chance to fire a gun.
Jamie R. Jacoby from Hunt, TX writes:
I went to see “The Last Samurai” and the ninjas really scared me. Have you seen it or is the thought of really scary ninjas just to overwhelming for you?
Of course I saw that movie. There is no reason to be sacred of ninjas when samurai are about. That’s why you don’t need to be afraid of ninjas when I’m around. Hai!
Lou Windsor from the military writes:
A few of us military guys have a question:
After a long day of ruling the world, we like to relax like the next guy. Should we drink a beer and risk getting a bit bloated, or should we stick with the bourbon?
Also, as a follow up question:
Cluster bombs or frags?
I think our military men and women deserve bourbon, so stick with that. Actually, I’ll donate money towards it (I’ll funnel it out of the money for the support line for people with liberals in their family; don’t tell anyone).
As for your second questions, I’d pick cluster bombing the enemy over fragging your superior officer.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.