Jay from Ann Arbor, Michigan writes:
Hey, Frank. Yesterday I got my hair cut at Supercuts and as I was paying
the cashier she said that my haircut was “guaranteed for one week”. Do you
think this means that for the next 6 days I am immune to late-night monkey
ninja scalping attacks? If so, how can I best take advantage of the
situation?
Actually, a haircut warranty just protects against a total hairstyle collapse, causing all your hair to droop down your head like you’re some hippy. Late-night monkey ninja scalping attacks should be covered under your homeowner’s or renters insurance (if they happen at your place).
Rick from Randolph
Frank, a long haired guy with a beard (who’s not a hippy, by the way, just an old biker-dude-Nam-era-patriotic-veteran-guy) showed me this card trick where no matter what you do, all the aces come out in the same pile every time. He says it’s trigonometry, but he can’t explain it. Please explain the trigonometricisity of this trick.
So you wan to know want to know what’s behind this vaguely described card trick? It’s sine… and arcsine. Not so special when you know how it works, huh?
This reminds me of a card trick I learned from Mr. Wizard more than a year ago. You have someone pick a card, then you shuffle the deck. Next you lay the cards in three columns putting one in the first column, the next card in the second column, the next the third column, and then back the first column and so on. Ask the person which column has his or her card. Put the deck back together with that column on top, and then repeat laying the cards out in three columns. After the third time of doing this, the person’s card will be on top.
Whatever happened to Mr. Wizard? Rumor has it that he was trying to teach something to little Timmy when an explosion of chemicals horribly mutated him. Now he searches the sewers for victims to suck the blood from. Anyone know if that’s true?
Denny Stone from Oklahoma:
Have you ever considered putting your In My World™ series or any of your other great satires to voice and trying to publish them for news talk radio? I think you should… oh, and if you do and it makes you rich and famous will you give me a cut of the wealth… or at least let me have some fame by telling people you’re my best friend?
I could lie and say you’re my friend, but no money.
This is a great idea… but how do you get on the radio? Guess that would have been a good question for G. Gordon Liddy. Everyone has all these suggestions like doing radio sketches and getting published which are like good suggestions because I get money… but they’re like hard. I’ve tried e-mailing people and saying, “Hey! You publish me!” but it doesn’t work. I always thought that someone important would stumble on my website and give me money without me doing anything.
If you’re important, e-mail me for more information on giving me money.
Traveler from NW Ohio asks:
When does 1 + 1 not equal 2?
For very large values of 1.
Poosh from Britain writes:
It has been almost a year since that first ninja followed me home from school. I came to you for help and you told me to fight the ninja. That made things worse. You then told me to use ninja sprays. That made things worse. You then told me to use vegetarians against the mutant plants that took over my house as result from listening to your advice. That made things worse.
You see, using the internet I claimed I was holding a book club for vegetarians only. Sure enough no less than twenty vegetarians appeared at the set date and proceeded to cut and boil the legions of mutant flowers. I shouted “victory is in the hands of me — Poosh!” and proceeded to kick the vegetarians out of my house shouting “if you’re so concerned about the environment then STOP EATING IT.” I was ecstatic and set about a £20 note and some liquid silver as a thankyou present for you (Frank J). But before I knew it there was a tiny earthquake and thunderbolts and lighting; it was all very frightening. Then I was surrounded by coloUrs of all kinds and a being of great power appeared from nowhere and said “oh foolish Poosh, you have upset the balance of power! With the plant mutants gone the ninja hoards of Gothamorgmas will rise up and crush the British government and the official opposition leaving the Liberals as the only party of plausible governance!” NOOOO I screamed! “For know this Poosh, fate had no part in your inability to read the label on the ninja spray — it was the will of–” and then the great being of power vanished and all the coloUrs vanished. I realised a great quest had been handed to me. In listening to your advice I had destroyed the plant mutants whose ultimate purpose was to destroy the ninja hoards of Gothamorgmas thus restoring the balance of power — thus it is left to me to take on the ninja hoards and repair the damage that your advice had given rise to. But as I descended the stairs for a cup of tea I tripped, hitting my head against the cat. I’ve been in a coma for almost a year and have only recently awoken.
So Frank J! What should I do? What advice have you to offer me? I have an air-rifle and British grit as my quest items and British sarcasm is deadly in the right hands! Do you think The Limey is behind Gothamorgmas? What words of wisdom can you offer me?
The advice you gave me:
3 https://www.imao.us/index.php/2003/06/frank-answers-commie-condiments-ninja-sprays-and-boxing-day/#000760
2 https://www.imao.us/index.php/2003/06/frank-answers-virgins-in-heaven-cycle-of-violence-and-more-ninja-trouble/#000693
1 https://www.imao.us/index.php/2003/05/frank-answers-trees-aerodynamics-and-ninjas/#000646
PS: Have we liberated Iraq yet or did the peaceniks get their way?
Poosh, Poosh, Poosh… if only you were better at following my advice this would never happen. Yes, it’s possible The Limey is supporting the ninjas as he likes all terrorist group, and no terrorist group is older than the ninjas. You could attack The Limey – which would be easier – but the ninjas would still run wild. Thus, I will give you advice on ninja fighting:
* If they kick high, duck.
* If they kick low, jump.
* If they kick middle, you’re screwed. Tell them not to quick middle.
* If they throw a star at you, don’t try and catch it because it’s sharp. Just get out of the way.
* If they swing a sword at you, don’t let it hit you… it could be dirty and give you an infection.
* If a ninja offers you candy, don’t take it.
* You must fight back with fists of fury and feet of irateness.
* Don’t shoot them with an air rifle – that will just make them angry.
* So will British sarcasm.
If you follow that advice, you will defeat all the ninjas. If you don’t defeat all the ninjas, then you’re a bad listener.
And we did liberate Iraq, much to the anger of the peaceniks who gnash their teeth and stomp their feet as the Iraqis get democracy.
Sean from Houston, TX writes:
I have a science question for you. I have heard that one the dangers of space flight limiting the exploration of the galaxy is the random patches of high energy radiation flying around that would kill a human and would be difficult to block since a few meters of iron shielding would be difficult to get around. What is the answer to this problem?
Stay out of space.
Sean from Houston, TX also writes:
Public key encryption has revolutionized internet security, but how safe is the info protected by it since the prime numbers that require factorization to beat them can be cracked by super computers in a matter of decades? Hello! Does anybody see a problem with this. People will be able to read in private emails about my cartoon watching habits with relative impunity in 15 years.
Woo hoo! A cryptography question. Actually, the length of time your data is the secure is based on a number of factors. As we all know, public/private key encryption is made by taking two very large prime numbers and multiplying them together. How large are these primes? Take a large prime like 7919. That’s nothing to these huge primes! That’s just a germ! These primes are so big that, if you saw one, you’d be like, “Hot damn! That prime is huge!” And the larger the primes, the safer the data. By using larger primes, you can keep your data safer than 15 years… by current techniques. The idea is that factoring a number made by the product of two large primes is intractable (that’s cryptography talk for “We’re pretty sure they can’t do that.”). But, if some math-mo-tician comes up when some super new prime factoring method, then all private/public key encryption is worthless.
And private/public key encryption is hard to do, so it’s never used to encrypt data. Usually, it encrypts the key for regular shared-key encryption such as triple-DES or the funky new kid in town, Rijindael (AES). Now, while you need like thousands of bits long key for private/public key encryption to keep your data safe, a 128-bit shared key encryption would take like 8 quintillion years to decrypt now using a supercomputer. So does that mean you data is safe for that long?
No!
Because of Moore’s Law (processing power doubling every one and a half years), your data is only safe for like sixty years. So what can you do if you don’t want future archeologists from decrypting your data when they remove it from your tomb ten thousand years from now? One recommendation is to always use a hex key of all F’s; that way, if someone tries to brute force your encryption (try every key) yours will be the last one they try.
Then again, if quantum computers work, people will be able to try all keys at the same time, and no key size will keep you safe. In the end, the best way to keep your data safe is to put it in a sock and hide it behind your couch.
Pumpk!nHead in Knoxville,TN
My son is almost 4. He is a very intelligent little boy. He can count to 100 and to 20 in Spanish. He is already reading some words. My problem is he has a bad Southern accent. How do I get rid of the accent? He sounds like a moron.
Now, I don’t have kids… or can even stand the sight of them, but I always wiling to give advice on child rearing. I’d say hit him each time he sounds dumb. Then he’ll learn not to sound dumb or to not talk at all. It’s all good.

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.