Heard about the new Saudi tourism policy? No drunks and no Jews. I think we should sneak in a drunken Jew just to piss the Sauds off. I wonder if Laurence Simon is busy.
Under things you find from people linking to you, I found this neat poster for the Canadian army:
I’m just glad they’re on our side.
Also, here’s a neat list of quotes about guns. My favorite is number 12.
I have something quite different for next week. Not sure how well it turned out, but you have to take risks every so often. Anyway, you can tell me what you think Monday morning. Have a great weekend.
Archive of entries posted on February 2004
Blimey! He Returns!
Now, I’ve had a couple responses to my responses to hate mail, and so far the person has always calmed down in the second e-mail as wasn’t quite so crazy. Not Tony Pentin, though. My e-mail seems to have made him even crazier. All profanity that’s a noun meant to be me was replaced with “ronin” except for dickhead which I replaced with “genius”. Also, f’ing was replaced with “lovely”. An addition f’word was replaced with “cheetos”. Once again, this was all for The Children™
Well, well, well I see you know how to spell. I suppose that’s an achievement for an American. Lots of you can’t spell and don’t know anything about the world – your email re-enforced all of that!
As for not letting other countries have access to the internet – think again ronin, even those tosser communists in North Korea have access to it!
Your stupidity is evident from calling me a limey atleast ten times in the last email before actually ending with you asking me what a limey is!!!! You said it not me! Look to the first paragraph about not knowing anything about world history! Lol!
When I said Bush is history, I was talking about the elections in November! What are you a redneck or something? Are you miles from anywhere? Cut off from society like a lovely backwoodsman that shags all his relatives!
Laughing at the poor? Oh, that’s really fair isn’t it! Why? What’s the point? Why doesn’t your right-wing small-minded brain broaden its mind and stop lying? The world hates bastards like you. Bush bombed Iraq – I bet he doesn’t even know where the cheetos Iraq is. Oh, just for the record it’s in the middle east – near Iran – you know that country that you helped Iraq wage war against in the early 80’s under that fascist Ronald Reagan! You created Saddam Hussain you stupid dumb bastard! GO AND READ A LOVELY BOOK BEFORE PRETENDING TO BE AN EXPERT! LOOK IT UP YOU STUPIUD BASTRAD!
Oh, and Michael Moore = Good man and he gets his funding from Canada so it doesn’t look like you’ll stop the Left from exposing the evils of your hardline economic system of capitalism. Remember it’s that system which puts 45 milliion people without access to health care. 35 MILLION IN POVERTY – THAT’S ABOUT 1 IN 8. LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN 1 IN 8. AND AMERICA IS THE LAND OF THE FREE? THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU SAY! JUSTIFY THAT RONIN!
And Rage Against the Machine was a left-wing rock band from 1991 to 2001. Three of the four band members formed Audioslave after RATM split up. You really are cut off from society in rural Texas aren’t you! You complete genius!
And France is completely entitled to an independent foreign policy that is completely different to yours. Spain said that. Britain said that. Australia said that. Those three countries supported your arsehole government last March in the war so your argument doesn’t stand up. The Russians said that, the Chinese, the Candians, the Germans – the list goes on ronin!
Au revoir and grow up you immature little boy.
LOL!
Now let’s see if I can fire another one right over his head.
Cool! Now we’re like pen pals, limey. You confused me in your first paragraph, though. First you complimented me on my spelling, and then you say I reinforced that Americans can’t spell. I’m not saying you’re inconsistent, though – I’m just pointing it out – so don’t get all crazy and limey on me.
You’re right about North Korea; they’re an internet access paradise. You can’t swing a starving peasant in North Korea without hitting a cyber-cafe. Thanks for pointing that out, limey.
And I thought limey was a term of endearment, I just used that to make you comfortable, you rascally limey. See? We’re like friends.
Hey, you know about our elections, limey! Good for you! Those are for us big boys only, though, and you’ll notice that at the polling places there will be big signs saying, “No Limeys”. Actually, if there is any evidence of a limey being involved in an election, it all gets thrown out.
And what am I lying about, limey my friend? I really do laugh at the poor. They’re funny. Every seen any? Sometimes they juggle.
Thanks for pointing out that Canadians are funding Michael Moore to help undermine America, limey. I’ll report that to the authorities so that they bomb Canada and kill Michael Moore. The only problem will be what to do with his bloated corpse. I’d say the sea, but I wonder what ill effects it might have on sea life. If you have any idea, please tell me, limey. You’ve already been great help as it is, though.
And stop looking at the glass as 1/8 empty; instead, look at it as 7/8 full. That’s 7/8 of nearly 300 million people who aren’t poor and thus I don’t laugh at. You have to admit that’s pretty nice of me, limey. I could also be laughing at the lower middle-class, but I don’t.
Oh! Rage Against the Machine the music group! I now understand, limey. Their songs are pretty cute, but they all sound the same. Maybe they wouldn’t have had to break up if they sounded less angry and did more Barry Manilow covers.
I’m afraid we can’t let France have their own foreign policy, no matter what Communist dictators in China say. France hates all mankind, and they need to be foiled. Plus, they smell. Luckily America always stands up and controls all conflicts in the world, thus keep us from becoming blowed up. Isn’t that great, limey?
Hope to hear back from you. You’re my favorite limey friend!
-Frank J.
http://imao.us
P.S. I don’t usually like to point out someone’s spelling errors, as no one is expected to proof check their e-mails to the highest degree, but, when calling someone a “stupid bastard”, you might want to try and spell at least one of those words correctly… unless, of course, you were trying to demonstrate that you are a “STUPIUD BASTRAD” yourself, and thus know one from experience.
Wanker.
I also got this hate mail:
What a moron you are!
Oh well, it’s a free country.
Mr. Lucas
I wonder what that was about? I hope it wasn’t Rachel Lucas’s father.
The Limey Strikes Back
You Can’t Take My Guns with Your Cold Dead Hands
So I just hit more than 100,000 unique visitors for this month, my first month to do that. And I think I should be able to keep it up and add to it next month, but then I realized, “Dude, I gotta write stuff.”
And I’m like, “Dude, I can’t think of anything to write today.”
To which I replied, “But, dude, if you don’t write anything, no one is going to come to your site except for hobos looking for a place to sleep.”
And was I was like, “Dude!”
Anyway, I better check the news for something to write about. If I find some current issue everyone cares about and then like write something smart about it, people will be like, “We should all read Frank J. because he is witty and insightful on the issues I care about.”
And other will be like, “This is true.”
So… what’s in the news…
Man, the new is all like boring and stupid. What’s a Haiti?
Oh, here is something; the Democrats are trying to ruin a perfectly good bill stopping useless lawsuits against gun manufacturers.
I hate Democrats!
Anyway, there are like these people trying to sue gun manufacturers out of business, and then they’ll destroy our Second Amendment rights because it doesn’t matter if you have a right to guns if you can’t buy any. It’s just like people ruining the First Amendment by stopping the manufacture of… uh… speech.
No, wait, I mean like if it was too expensive to like go on the internet or phone people, because then you could talk all you want but no one could hear you… except for your neighbors who will call the police if you’re too loud. Stupid neighbors. Hey, you show me what volume Korn should be played at.
Where was I? Oh yeah… lawsuits! Now, what I don’t get is why when the gun manufacturers are in court, they don’t just go, “I would like to submit one of my products as evidence,” and then turn around and shoot the plaintiff and lawyers. “See; it works just fine.” That would be so cool!
Well, this bill, they won’t even have to go to court and waste their time (I think that whole shooting the plaintiffs thing breaks some sort of legal tradition), and it looks like it should pass the Senate easy… but the Democrats are trying to add anti-gun amendments to it.
I hate Democrats!
They want an amendment that messes with gun shows, which, if you ever been to one, is lots of fun… except, maybe, for the people with WWII memorabilia (i.e., Nazi flags). Anyway, this won’t affect that, just the gun sales – which are cool! Stay away from the gun sales, you bastards.
On a side note, I found that a gun show isn’t always the best place to bring your girlfriend, but your mileage may vary.
Anyhoo, then there is the renewal of the so-called “assault weapons” ban. Notice the “so-called” and the scare quotes. That’s because who wrote the ban didn’t know jack about guns. He probably couldn’t tell a bullpup from a hole in the ground. They should have people who know things about guns write the bills… but those people would like guns so they’d probably write good bills like the “Be Nice to Your Gun and Oil It” bill. But what they call an “assault weapon” in the so-called “assault weapons” ban is just guns that look cool or have cool names. Someone should bring a real assault weapon into congress – fully automatic with a grenade launcher – and then say, “Now this here is an assault weapon.” Then he should give the Democrats the crazy eye. “Just try and ban it! Make my day!”
Oh, and now I’m getting e-mails from people saying that the NRA is for this compromise, and then I’m getting e-mails from the NRA saying that’s a total crock. That’s good, because the media has spent so much effort painting the NRA as extreme that you aren’t going to get very far telling people they aren’t far right enough on a gun issue.
So where was I? Oh yeah, I wanted to say something profound and unique on the issue so that people will say, “That Frank, he’s a smart one he is.”
“And relevant too,” another will add.
So… uh… profound… er… uh…
I hate Democrats!
Blimey! A Limey!
Just as I was about to go to work, I decided to check my e-mail one more time, and then I found this e-mail from Tony Pentin who ends up being a limey! To make this appropriate for The Children™, I’ve replaced the f-word with “hug” and “wax”, alternately replaced “off” with “on”, replaced “Rage Against the Machine” with “The Backstreet Boys”, and replaced the song “Sleep Now In The Fire” with “The Good Ship Lollipop.”
You are clearly an extreme right-wing religious, fascist, lying, stupid, Hitler sympathising, Ku-Klux Klan loving, sexist, racist, ageist, anti-gypsy/travellers bigoted, completely ignorant, arrogant lunatic nutcase who represents everything that is wrong with your country. You are the kind of prick that looks at places such as Alabama, inner city California and other places where there is terrible poverty and blames the poor. You bastard! There is 35 million people in your country in poverty – the country that you call the land of the free. 1 in 8 in poverty! Free and America – they’re oxymorons!!! Complete propaganda! There is 45 MILLION without access to health care. Ever see The Backstreet Boy’s video “The Good Ship Lollipop” in 1999 two years before they split up? I bet you want the four of them shot! And I bet you’re gonna marry that evil cow Ann Coulter!
Oh, and one more thing – you can say goodbye to Bush cos he’s history.
Go hug yourself…even better go and read some books you anti-left dangerous reactionary! WAX ON! WAX OFF! WAX ON! WAX OFF! WAX ON!
I’m from England but I suppose I’m just a limey in your eyes!
Here is my response:
First I have the spam e-mails, then the e-mails generated by worms, and now e-mails from limeys! This is too much. The internet was supposed to be a world-wide resource of information, and, to keep it that way, we should have never let other countries have access to it… especially limeys.
First off, could you give me some context as to what set this off, you random limey? Do you only have 20 minutes a day out of the asylum, you crazy limey? Did you react negatively to my stance on the fiduciary policy of the Polynesian Islands?
Oh, I know. I disagree with you on something so I have to like Hitler, you bigoted limey. Know who else thought everyone who disagreed with him must like Hitler? Hitler, thar’s who, you Nazi limey!
And what in the God’s name are you talking about with “anti-gypsy/travellers”? Did I just miss the huge gypsy/traveler debate here in America, you ignorant limey?
And I don’t blame the poverty on the poor; I just simply laugh at them. I never really thought about what the cause is. You seem to know a lot about it… maybe you’re behind it, you evil limey!
And what’s this about raging against machines? If the snack machine fails to give you your Twix bars, there should be a number on the machine to call to get a refund. There is no reason to “rage”, you stupid limey.
And what do you mean Bush is history? Are you threatening him, you violent limey? I’ll report this to Secret Service:
“Some slimy limey is threatening the president!”
And they’ll say: “Thanks. We’ll send out our limey execution squad.”
And then it will be a complete limey holocaust, so watch it, bucko.
And what’s with all the swearing? Do you eat crumpets with that mouth, you grimy limey?
Anyway, thanks for the input.
-Frank J.
http://imao.us
P.S. What exactly does limey mean? Is it like an insult? I once put a lime in my bottle of Corona, but then I was like, “Why in God’s name am I drinking Corona? I want Guinness!” I hear that if you try putting lime into Guinness, a bunch of Irishmen will suddenly appear and beat you up. Could you try it and see if some Irishmen beat you up… I mean other than the ones who usually do.
Wanker.
That should send his limey brain into a loop.
More Posts to Come
I ended up going home early yesterday and sleeping as I wasn’t feeling well. Thus, there was not much time for posts. I just got a juicy piece of hate mail, though, so, if I have time at lunch and you’re all good, I’ll respond to it in the afternoon.
UPDATE: We’ve sold out on 2XL IMAO t-shirts, so it probably won’t be longer until the others are gone as well. If you were thinking of getting a t-shirt, I’d do it soon.
No pressure…
Frank Answers: Bear Baiting Teamsters, the Green Giant, and Backwards Batteries
Carissa (and Reva) from Berkeley, CA write:
I go to school at UC Bezerkeley, and am active in the Republican club up here(thank God, or I’d have turned homicidal by now… either that or hippie, not sure which would be worse… but I digress…) This Friday, John Kerry is holding a special event in nearby Oakland and some friends and I were planning on going in all our Republican gear, just to piss him off. However, his rally is being held at the local teamsters union hall, and I’m worried about health risks that are associated with going to such a place. What do you recommend? Is it worth the potential life-threatening effect to associate ourselves with such an organization, even if it is to taunt a Democrat? We’re quite torn and thought you could offer the best advise on the matter… so please help, our lives rest in your hands!
I’ll talk from experience here. During the 2000 campaign season, Al Gore came to speak at my college, Carnegie Mellon University. He happened to be speaking from the front steps of the building where my lab was, and, at the time he was speaking, I had to get a lab assignment checked off. So I end up having to fight my way past Secret Service agents to find a back entrance to the building, just barely getting there in time. I did get one glance of Al Gore through the windows at the front of the building and gave him the evil eye.
But that’s neither here nor there. A friend of mind did attend the speech, and he had a bumper sticker for Senator Rick Santorum on a folder he was carrying. A teamster then grabbed his folder and ripped up the homework. I don’t know how your professors will react to, “A teamster ripped up my homework.”
Anyway, teamsters are mindless, angry brutes, and I wouldn’t recommend confronting them unless you are well versed in ninjitsu or are lowered into the crowd in a steel cage to taunt them from. What do you call that? Oh yeah, a teamster cage. If you don’t have the cage, I’d bait the Democrats the usual way we do, by being capitalistic.
matt l from Dallas, TX asks:
Who would win in a battle between the Red Baron and The Green Giant?
The Green Giant because he eats his vegetables. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Oh, AND DON’T DO CRACK!!!
Doug from NC writes:
Hey, Frank. When I reverse the batteries in my little fan, it runs backwards; but when I reverse the batteries in my flashlight, things don’t get darker. What am I missing?
Well, I went to the local sciencetorium to find this out. The question was immediately met with, “Heathen! Bring your godless notions elsewhere!”
Another scientist said, “Follow the marking of the poles, fool boy; they are there for your protection.”
“But I’m curious,” I answered.
“Science is not about curiosity!” he shouted, “It’s about preserving order! Now be gone!”
“Wankers,” I uttered as I went back home.
I tried putting the batteries in backwards in a cheap flashlight I got from the supermarket. Nothing happened. So I opened it up. Ends up that inside was a little thing on the circuit that said, “ELECTRICTY FLOW GUARD – DO NOT REMOVE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD”. So I took it out and turned the flashlight.
Ends up, now the flashlight did not just make things darker, but permanently removed the light from whatever I pointed it at. And, in that darkness, I could hear the wailing and moaning of many spirits. One spoke to me.
“Thank you for creating this eternal darkness in which we can exist,” it told me in a harsh whisper, “Now once again we demons can plague your world.”
And I was like, “Wow! Demons! Cool!”
So I guess flashlight companies got sued a while ago for releasing demons, so they put that thing in there to keep batteries from working in it backwards. Stupid trial lawyers.
Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
Yay! More Ads!
As you may have noticed, I now have an ad for NavMonkey. It’s a good monkey, though, because it paid for an ad. If you’re thinking of starting your own blog, it looks like a good deal (I pay more than $20 for two months of hosting).
Also, the pretty lady who want peace through superior firepower has returned. I’m going to have to find out what “Molon Labe” means that is on some of the other Life, Liberty, Etc. products.
BTW, I got a check for $13.86 for some class action lawsuit against companies that made CD’s. It’s an actual check with no strings attached. Anyone have any idea what that is about?
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II – Win Frank J.’s Funny – Final Results
The list that got the most votes is…
Know Thy Enemy: Canada
Canada always seemed to be too inconsequential to be an enemy, but I sent my crack research staff to find out what they can about Canada to see for sure if our neighbor to the north can be trusted.
FUN FACTS ABOUT CANADA
* Canada was originally populated by peoples loyal to Britain and dumb people who just got lost.
* Canada is still technically owned by England and has to dance for them when commanded.
* That happens usually three times a year.
* The border between U.S. and Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world. There are plans to mine it, set up video cameras all along it, and not tell Canada for a new Fox special called When Americans Are Bastards.
* It is rumored Canada has its own military. Their most powerful weapon is the telephone with which they can call America and say, “Help! We’re being invaded, eh!”
* Canadians are almost as genetically similar to humans as the chimpanzee.
* Was originally called Cana, but, since everyone there said, “I live in Cana, duuuuh,” the name Canada eventually stuck.
* For the same reasons, it will eventually be known as Canadada.
* Their national symbol is the most evil of leafs, the Maple Leaf, a.k.a. Satan’s Palm.
* In a fight between Aquaman and a maple leaf… actually, a maple leaf is even too lame for Aquaman. Our national symbol, the bald eagle, would whup Aquaman’s ass, though.
* Canadians pretend to be peaceful, but more Canadians are murdered in Canada every year than any other country.
* Canada modeled their currency after ours just to annoy us when we accidentally get useless Canadian trinkets in change instead of hard American currency.
* Canada has a picture of a queen on their money to show their contempt for democracy.
* A large minority of Canadians speak French, and they boss around the rest of the Canadians. Bossed around by French-speaking people – that’s so pathetic I can’t even imagine it.
* Canadians think they are superior to Americans. The rational basis for this is unknown.
* Canada holds up a sham democracy to try and be accepted by the civilized world, but in fact all real decisions are made by their moose overlord.
* It’s a myth that the normal way a Canadian says “about” is so that it rhymes with “boot”. It just happens that a lot of Canadians are retarded.
* The northern area of Canada is technically God-forsaken. If anyone there has a prayer, he or she first has to mail it to an American priest for God to hear it.
* Most of the prayers involve hockey and are promptly ignored.
* If a Canadian ever tries to express an opinion about America, hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper while shouting, “No!” You have to catch them in the act or they’ll never learn.
* Canada has gone its entire history without doing anything of note, something almost unheard of for a country its size.
* Canada has become an entry point for terrorist which has caused Canada’s boring index to decrease slightly.
* Canada doesn’t have all the beliefs in liberty and freedom of speech that we have. So, if you have to go to Canada, make sure to bring a gun to help them recognize.
* Canada is so defective that it loses gravity for six hours every month.
* Canada has no known industry. It’s believed all their income comes from sales of syrup and hockey tickets.
* Canadians have universal healthcare. The way they afford it is making people wait so long that most die before seeing a doctor.
* Canadians are completely harmless, but don’t assume someone who is wearing a hockey mask is Canadian. The people at Crystal Lake made that mistake and, well, it was messy.
* Canadians don’t have any nuclear missiles because we decided they are not mature enough for them. Maybe when they’re older.
* Canadians have national gun registration. While solving no crime, the excessive amount of money the initiative has taken has foiled Canada’s evil schemes to make mutant snow monkeys.
* If ever attacked by a Canadian… well… beat the crap out of him. What? You can’t take a Canadian? What kind of pansy are you?
* This list would be classified as a hate crime in Canada.
* Actually, most Canadians who read this list would just say, “Eh?”
It Is Done
The polling is closed for Win Frank J.’s Funny™, and I’ll have the results along with extended comments and a new Know Thy Enemy™ tomorrow morning. I shall nothing more of the contest until then.
Until then, I participated in picking the dinner guests from hell for Right Wing News (the winner is pretty obvious). Also, John Hawkins is looking for the best Rumsfeld quotes.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: More Primary, Crazy Kerry, Wacky Nader, Jesus, King of the Hill, NEA Terrorists, and Support Democracy
- I’m tired of the Democrat primary again. Just pick your joker and get it on… and make it Kerry. It was unfair to float Dean out there as a target and then pull him away, and now I’m all excited to see the piranhas have a go at Lurch. As for the pretty-boy trial lawyer, why don’t he aim for something smaller like a guest spot on The Practice.
- Do you hear how Kerry wants to debate Bush about Vietnam because Kerry says that Bush is the one who has been bringing it up for political gain? Little tip, Kerry: the Botox injections go in the muscles of the face, not directly into the brain.
- Nader is such a joke, but I hope a good number of idiot hippies take him seriously to help tip the odds in Bush’s favor. I just can’t get past the way he says “corporations”. He very slowly and meticulously enunciates it (kor-por-ay-shuns), and keeps acting like there is nothing worse in the world and that he can’t understand that some people may actually like corporations.
Anyway, he’ll never make it anywhere unless he gets some corporate money. - So what’s happening with the Iraq democracy? Details like that aren’t as interesting as war, so I haven’t been paying much attention. To help, we could donate some Democrats to the Iraqis for them to either vote for, get advice from, or bury in pits. Whatever they want.
- Mel Gibson’s move about Jesus is coming out this Wednesday. I plan on seeing it, and it’s already got me thinking about theological issues. One is was Jesus technically Jewish or Christian? To be Christian, you have to worship Christ, and that just sounds way too narcissistic for Jesus.
- Speaking of learning from movies, I found out from The Last Castle that flying your flag upside down means you are in distress. That means Japan could be in distress right now and no one would ever know!
- Anyone see King of the Hill Sunday? It was all about Hank taking his son on a camping trip to teach him self-reliance, but then the campsite gets invaded by hippies. He eventually gets rid of the hippies by cutting off park services then telling them how they’ll still be able to continue camping, but it will take some “hard work”. Next scene, all the hippies are fleeing, and one calls Hank the epithet “Rumsfeld”.
It’s nice to know there are some shows out there with good values. - Education Secretary Rod Paige called the National Education Association a terrorist organization. The NEA says they were only bluffing about killing America’s children unless their union demands are met.
- So Al Qaeda is now speaking out against France because of their scarf ban. This has caused France to immediately join in the desperate search for Osama so that they may surrender to him.
- Bush met with the governors Monday. Man, I wish I were a governor. Then, if anyone wasn’t treating me with respect, I could say, “Don’t you know who I am? I know Arnold Schwarzenegger!”
- In monkey news, there was a census of aggressive monkeys in northern India to see how humans and simians can live together. I think the solution is a little thing called “shotguns”.
- Voting in the Win Frank J.’s Funny will go on until noon today (ET). I’ll then announce the winner (and losers) tomorrow morning. I did take a glance at the poll results so far, and apparently not everyone has voted for mine. Remember, you’re supposed to pick the funniest list. That’s funniest.
It’s Here!
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II – Win Frank J.’s Funny
Good afternoon, and welcome to the final round of Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II – Win Frank J.’s Funny! I’m Susie, and I’ll be your hostess for today’s fun-filled event. Before we begin, let’s recap, shall we?
On February 12, Frank announced a new contest, with the following fabulous prize: two week, all-expense paid(sorry–wrong contest). Here it is:
A permalink at the top of the my main blogroll, plus a permalink within the randomized blogroll, plus a million dollars, plus a free week long ad on my Blog Ads ad space, plus an IMAO t-shirt, minus a million dollars.
The contest is fiendishly simple: five randomly chosen (except for First Loser Harvey, who got a bye on the number generator ride) candidates had an opportunity to go toe to toe with the King of Humor by writing a top ten list, and whoever’s the funniest, by reader vote, wins!!! In order to keep things fair, Emperor Misha devised the subject matter of the list, and all six contestants emailed their answers to a neutral party (that would be moi) for posting here at IMAO (hey, Price Waterhouse is expensive!).
It’s time to introduce our contestants!!!!! Maestro, if you please…
Our first contestant is Dustin the No-Longer-Blogless of the eponymous Dustin the No-Longer-Blogless blog. Dustin declined to tell us a little about himself, so personal information has been supplied for him–Dustin likes long walks on sandy beaches and lime jello shots. He says, “I was gonna do some trash talking here.. but I remain dedicated to the principles of procrastination, so I’m just not gonna.” A man has to have his principles, right?
Our next contestant is the versatile and suave Joey of Single White Male. Joey also is extremely reluctant to provide any salacious salient details (“Wouldn’t that qualify as revealing who wrote what, and be grounds for disqualification?”) so on his behalf, lets just say he likes long walks on sandy beaches and lime jello shots. As to the trash-talking: “I’m too nice of a guy to trash talk fellow conservatives. So all I have is the list.”
Third we have rasta, who neglected to provide his URL in his entry email and is making me work to find it…. rasta says
I sure hope to win. Frank has been my hero so to overcome your hero is well awesome. Ok well First I am going to give some info on the blog. You can call it all humor; you can call it a holy script from God. Not that I am saying that my blog is better then Jesus or anything. It’s like a gift in an odd shaped package, sounds like a bomb huh? Well all I am saying is even though it is satire it is still somewhat true and the other part is all bull. Anyway I hope to win and if I do it will be amazing that a 16 year old beat Frank.
So far, there’s been a disturbing lack of trash-talking here. Perhaps our next contestant can do better…
I honestly don’t know why you guys are bothering to challenge me. The only chance you have is tucked away in a cardboard box next to the Community Chest cards.
Yeah, I’m talkin’ to YOU Mr. I-M-A-Oh-my-god-I’m-going-to-lose-my-own-contest-and-have-to-de-link-myself,
What are YOU laughing at, Single White FAIL? It’s not like YOUR top ten list is going to get any votes except from your own mother.
And did I hear a snicker from Behind Enemy REDlines? Try a little 000000 on that eyesore blog of yours. There ARE other colors in the spectrum, you know.
Dustin the No Longer Blogless? I’m just guessing, but I suspect that you got the idea for your blog name after you asked your girlfriend “You love it this way, doncha baby?” and she answered, “No, longer”. Oh, wait– nevermind. Inflatable women can’t talk.
Kabasue’s Little Blog? Grey on black? Did your 16 year-old goth girlfriend pick your color scheme? And if you need to borrow my enter key so you can put some line breaks in your posts, send me an e-mail. Trying to read your blog is like trying to read a puddle of alphabet soup.
Bad Money? More like Sad Unfunny. How do you figure there’s entertainment value in posting pictures of money that a crack-addled orangutan scribbled on? Why don’t you try captioning used toilet paper, too? That’s probably funny. And…
Oops. Got carried away for a second there.
Anyway, you might as well admit defeat now, ‘cuz ALL you losers are goin’ down like a Clinton intern!
About the author of this abuse:
Harvey is a 37-year-old disgruntled Wisconsin bank teller, who has been blogging for about 8 months. Other projects include: handing-out and rounding-up Alliance of Free Blog assignments, serving on the 6-judge panel of the King of the Blogs Tournament, and trying to get his Beloved Wife to make contented and/or satisfied sighing sounds as often as possible between blog entries. He was also “First Loser” in Frank J’s first “Super Happy Lucky Fun Permalink Contest” and will be forever grateful to Frank for giving him his first crack at blog stardom.
Whew! Now that’s more like it!
Contestant number five is also a minimalist who likes long walks on sandy beaches and lime jello shots. Monster Kabasue was more concerned with an possible email malfunction than my time and trouble having to look up his blog name and URL (Sigh…you owe me, Frank!). He also neglected the trash-talking….
Which brings us to our sixth contestant, our very own Frank J of IMAO. Frank says
“Description Self: Humor god who is exalted above all others.
Trash Talk: This is a waste of my time. The idea that someone can be funnier me is an insult to both God and man. You shall be punished for your hubris to stand against me, and the scars you get from your humiliation at my hands shall last until the day you die. Muh ha ha ha!”
We’ll be right back after this short commercial break (please click on the Netflix ad to your right and sign up so Frank gets money).
Welcome back to Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II – Win Frank J.’s Funny! Before I post the lists, a little about the process…All lists were jumbled together in my email program. As each list was removed it was randomly assigned a number. These numbers were entered at random.org where an even more random number was assigned. The entries, in random order, are:
Top Ten Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004
List 1
1.Well a sex scandal would be nice, but then again is that so bad?
2.Maybe something about racism, it never seems to get old
3.They put Quaker oats out of business and replace them with Liberal Oats, which
sounds good but its really not. (I was going to say that they provide you
with your daily tofu but they already do that.)
4.They start coming to your door like Jehovahs witnesses
5.Liberals come out with a new whistle that is just a recording of a liberal
whining. It somehow attracts ducks, and the platypus, and unfortunately young
business men by the name of Henry.
6.They Kill Archie Bunker for reasons only the ACLU can understand
7.They make a Jesse Jackson dictionary, or C.D. of Al Sharpton and Jesse singing “Free at last”.
8.In showing that they care, all the liberals get together with Michael Jackson
and record a song about the NRA called “Boys just wanna have guns”.
9.They decide to have a Jew run for president one day, o wait never mind.
10.They have David Lettermen do a Top 10 on them to try and get more people to
like them. (Hey. That’s what Howard Dean did and look what happened.).
List 2
“Top Ten Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004”
10 Kerry and Edwards will announce they will blow of the president elections to go to California to get married.
9 In response to Kerry and Edwards running off to San Francisco the Democratic Party will nominate Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf as a presidential candidate who could truly communicate with America.
8 Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf running mate will be Adolph Hitler he will be playing the “Any body but Bush” ticket, he also might play the race card too, see as cloned Germans are in fact a very small minority.
7 In the last days of the Election Democrats will refuse to vote/work/breath because the election is all ready fixed, and that Bush knows.
6 Democrats will declare if Bush wins they shall hold their breath till they get their way, and maybe fall on the ground and pound their fists.
5 Kerry and Edwards will both have– wardrobe malfunctions to entice the MTV crowd.
4 Dean will nominate Kerry because he is because Tony the Tiger said he is grrrrYEEEEAAAAHHHHHttt
3 Democrats will insist on giving every one in Mexico an honorary American Citizenship as part of their campaign promises
2 During the final days of nomination, Kerry and Edwards will appear in biker paints and sing the theme song from “Robin hood men in Tights”
1 During a press conference Kerry will rip off his face reviling that he is really Skeletor.
List 3
Top Ten Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004
10. Increase minimum wage. Increase taxes. Decrease net income.
9. Attack ourselves for having WMDs. Using the WMDs.
8. Rally in favor of gay marriage and interspecies marriage. For example, a
horse and a donkey. That’d be weird.
7. Hire dead clowns to advertise for them. Because, y’know, like the Loony
Moonbat Left, dead clowns are funny and sad.
6. Withdraw all candidates from the presidential race because it’s “fixed
anyway.”
5. Attempt to reanimate Jimmy Carter.
4. Withdraw all candidates from the presidential race because it’s “fixed
anyway.”
3. Boycott all foods that are made from once living things. Except Aborted
Fetus Burgers.
2. Legalize marijuana because the great founders of our country George
Washington and Thomas Jefferson grew hemp. Reinstate slavery for the same
reason.
And the number one way the left will make themselves look even more
hopelessly ridiculous in 2004
Claim the Israelites must be morons because they once listened to a bush.
List 4
TOP 10 LIST
December 31, 2004
[The TV screen fades in from black, as we tune in to Fox News Channel’s newest and highest-rated news magazine show, “Hard Right”, hosted by the always-delectable Melinda Hawkish, who, as usual, is clad in the thinnest of soaking-wet white cotton T-shirts]
Good Evening, I’m Melinda Hawkish. Tonight on Hard Right — “2004: The Year in Review”. A look back at the top ten ways the loony moonbat left has made themselves look even more hopelessly ridiculous.
But first, this bit of gratuitous breast-jiggling. Can we zoom in on my bodacious ta-ta’s, please? Thanks.
[jiggles breasts gratuitously]
Now to our stories:
Number 10: After Howard Dean lost the Wisconsin Democratic Primary and dropped out of the race, a small but vocal group of his followers refused to give up hope. Calling themselves the “YEARRRGGGGH! Party”, and known popularly as the “Scream-ites”, this gaggle of gruel-brained nugget-heads attempted to create a “Draft Dean” movement. Sadly — well, sadly for THEM, anyway — at the start of their first meeting, when they all simultaneously inhaled in preparation for their trademark insane howl, the resulting sudden decrease in air pressure caused the building to implode, killing all inside.
Number 9: Immediately after the Scream-ites were rubbled into jello, Michael Moore held a press conference. Jibbering maniacally, he claimed that President Bush had somehow orchestrated everything from Howard Dean’s original scream to the collapse of the building itself. However, during the press conference, an adorable little puppy knocked Moore down with a well-placed kick to the spleen and piddled up his nose. No one has taken him seriously since.
Number 8: Immediately after Moore’s utter humiliation, Congressional Democrats held press conferences, claiming that President Bush had somehow orchestrated the puppy attack. They, too, were spleen-kicked, piddled on, and ignored. This time by Congressional Republicans.
Number 7: As the furor around “Piddle-Gate” expanded, Hillary Clinton, frustrated at being ignored by the American news media, exposed her wrinkly, sagging, and piddle-stained right breast during a nationally televised news conference. The nation’s health care system nearly collapsed, as millions of people who had been watching Hillary’s news conference were afflicted with severe, acute hysterical blindness. Prune sales plummeted.
Number 6: Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle (D-Idiotaria) held a press conference, claiming that President Bush had known for years that Hillary Clinton had possessed Breatseses of Mass Destruction, and that Bush was a miserable failure for not having prevented this ghastly attack on innocent American citizens. President Bush responded by kicking Senator Daschle in the spleen and piddling up his nose. A grateful nation wept with joy.
Number 5: French President Jacques Chirac held a press conference, claiming that Americans had no right to unilaterally urinate on anyone, and must henceforth seek the approval of the international community prior to releasing any bodily fluids, or else risk facing a War Crimes tribunal. However, in a show of international support for American foreign policy, British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Australian Prime Minister John Howard arrived at the press conference simultaneously, and administered a flamboyant tag-team kick-and-piddle to, quote, “that two-faced, gutless, weasely Frog bastard.”, unquote.
Number 4: Democratic Presidental Candidate John Kerry, who is rumored to have served in Viet Nam, held a press conference near the US Capitol Building with his running mate, retired General Wesley Clark, who wore his military uniform, complete with all ribbons and medals, for the event. Claiming that President Bush had known for years that any war in Iraq would quickly degrade into a Viet-Nam-like quagmire, Kerry protested Bush’s foreign policy by throwing General Clark over the fence and chanting anti-war slogans with Jane Fonda.
Number 3: Ronald Reagan, our beloved 40th President, died quietly at his California ranch, and a nation mourned. Except, of course, for those maggot-sucking protestors who burst in on the memorial service, waving signs printed with such vile crap as “Hinckley should’ve shot you twice” and “Burn in hell, Bonzo”. The enraged crowd turned on the outnumbered idiots, thus commencing the event that the news media later dubbed “Kick’n’Piddlestock ’04”. Sales of the DVD are currently on track to break the record previously held by the movie “Titanic”.
Number 2: As election day neared, a group of extreme left-wing fanatics posted entries on their– what’s that word there? “blogs”? What the hell is a “blog”?– [off camera: “Just read the story, Melinda”]–ok, uh, “blogs”– * giggle * – that sounds like someone throwing up — blaaaaaaagh! * snort *– anyway, heh, on their “blogs”, calling on leftists of all stripes to physically blockade voting booths across the nation, and to make sure that only people voting for Kerry would be allowed to mark their ballots. After getting wind of the nefarious plot, noted right-wing blaaaaaaagher– [off camera: MELINDA!]– * snicker * – sorry, couldn’t resist– blogger Frank J. of IMAO organized the now-famous counter-protest “Operation Groin Stomp”. Election day 2004 was one of the cheeriest ever, as voters were continually amused by the sight of lefty moonbats writhing on the ground, holding their crotches, and crying like little babies.
And the number 1 news story of 2004 is, without question, the results of the election itself. In a stunning upset, Frank J. was elected President via a massive deluge of write-in votes. After the results were announced, Frank J. used a little-known loophole in the Constitution which allowed him to assume the office of President immediately. Within 60 seconds of completing his Presidential Oath, Frank J. fulfilled a long-standing campaign promise by nuking the moon. Outraged, every leftist in the country gathered in Berkeley, California the next weekend to protest this outrageous bid for world peace. As the mass of fetid hippies started chanting “no blood for green cheese!”, Berkeley was also nuked. In the 8 weeks since then, every non-nuked barking moonbat lefty and/or terrorist in the world, fearing our beloved and psychotic President, has kicked himself in the spleen and piddled up his own nose in terror. Thanks to Frank J.’s brilliant strategy, the planet Earth now spins its way through space in peace and harmony.
That’s our recap of the year’s top stories, I hope you enjoyed it. I’m Melinda Hawkish, and these [removing her shirt and shimmying enthusiastically] are my boobs. Good night, and have a jiggly tomorrow.
List 5
Top Ten Ways the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004
10. Decide that liberals are a master race and use Michael Moore as an example of what a model human should look like.
9. Rob from the rich, give to the poor, shot by the police.
8. Decide that protest chants must not only rhyme but also must be able to be sung to the tune of “Funky Town”.
7. Combine an Atkins diet with a vegan diet and then just starve to death.
6. Not only try and tie Bush’s grandfather to the Nazi’s, but go even further back to show that an ancient relative of his gave the thirty pieces of silver to Judas.
5. Their solution to Islamo-facists: Gay-marriage.
4. Decide to abandon the Democrats for being too moderate and instead put all their backing behind the dynamic powerhouse that is Ralph Nader.
3. Same idiotic rhetoric as before, but now in Klingon.
2. Blame all the worlds troubles on some poor woman named Halle Burton.
And the number one way the loony moonbat left will make themselves look even MORE hopelessly ridiculous in 2004…
Start protesting election results in October.
List 6
10. Al Franken will host a blog entitled “Blogging Bloggers and the Lefties that Blog Them,” and insist that all comments be written in pig latin. Glenn Reynolds remarks “indeedway.”
9. The Union will be plunged into chaos as the Howlin’ Howard Deaniacs mount a coup attempt in upstate Vermont. They will terrorize the countryside for exactly 3.73 minutes until they are dealt a resounding defeat by the local Boy Scout Troop 137 and their “fuzzy bunny bomb” offensive.
8. John F. Kerry will drop out of the presidential race in order to star in a lucrative Droopy Dog live-action movie. In a strange twist of fate, the Democrat nomination will not go to Senator John Edwards, but instead goes to psychic John Edward, who insists that the spirit of the original JFK is guiding his campaign.
7. 37 people will be injured during a Democrat “Adopt a Frenchman” event, when the gathered Frenchmen are panicked into stampeding by a midget named Steve wearing a red suit. Quote from the event — “The little red devils! THE LITTLE RED DEVILS!”
6. Senator Ted Kennedy will throw a stomping fit on the floor of the Senate. Quote: “No you can’t! No you can’t! No you can’t! I’LL HOLD MY BREATH!” – Emergency personnel will, unfortunately, be able to revive him before the lack of oxygen does any permanent damage.
5. 43 members of PETA will be horribly mutilated, while protesting offshore drilling, when they are attacked by a rogue school of mutated sea monkeys. Peter Jennings reports: “Until today– I had never thought– to fear a monkey.”
4. The Hippys for Peace, Happiness, and Free Love society will propose that we change the national anthem from the Star Spangled Banner to Give Peace a Chance. They will subsequently be the first to fall to the newly formed Anti-Hippy Ninja Defense Force led by Grand Master Donald Rumsfeld himself.
3. Al Sharpton will don a cape and bucket and declare himself Mr. Bucketheadman. Then proceed to roam the streets of Washington D.C. attempting to wipe out racial inequity.
2. Senator Hillary Clinton will throw a stomping fit on the floor of the Senate. Quote: “No you can’t! No you can’t! No you can’t! I’LL HOLD MY BREATH!” – Emergency personnel, having learned their lesson the first time, immediately go on strike.
And the number 1 Way the Loony Moonbat Left Will Make Themselves Look Even MORE Hopelessly Ridiculous in 2004
1. Think that they’re winning.
And now, you must do your part, Gentle Readers–vote for the funniest top ten list below…
POLLING CLOSED