Bite-Sized Wisdom

  • For liberals all depressed that Palin is stealing all of Obama’s momentum, here’s a way to commit suicide… if you’re bad ass enough! (you’re not)
  • Our military needs more lasers. Not just lasers from planes and lasers from space, but also ground based lasers and hand held lasers. America’s enemies should always be in fear of getting shot by a laser and have no idea where it will come from.
  • Obama may be planning on getting more personal in his attacks on McCain because you know how well Obama will measure up to McCain character wise. Extremely vague policy talk may not be working out for you, Obama, but it’s all you’ve got; stick with it.
  • If Obama goes personal against Palin, she should just give him a wedgy and take his lunch money. What’s he going to do? Complain he was bullied by a girl. He’ll be laughed off the national stage.
  • Is Biden campaigning now? I mean, is he going city to city attracting groups of four or five people and talking up Obama. What was his purpose again?
  • What’s the point of cats? I guess they used to kill mice for people. We don’t have a mouse problem, so I asked my wife if I could take the cats and put them burlap sack and throw them in a bog. She said no.
  • It almost looks like McCain has saved the Republican Party and conservatives with his pick of Palin. For a while, it was looking like we’d have to have Democrats in charge before we could regain our momentum, but now we’re pumped and ready to kick ass. We might have to build a statue for McCain. Here’s my idea: Make it a extremely regal statue, and while your standing around in admiration it suddenly kicks you in nuts for no reason. That’s maverick action right there!
  • Of course, conservatives will always win in the end. We have to fight for this country as we just don’t have any other place to go. If liberals want to see their pansy-ass ideasl in action, they always have Europe, but America is the last bastion of freedom and conservative ideals, so if that all gets thrown to the wayside, the only option left is to put a flag on a floating platform out in the ocean and declare it “Frank J-istan.”

Quote of the Day

From Dilbert creator Scott Adams:

Yesterday I asked what role the government should have in fostering alternative energy breakthroughs. The people who think the government can help a lot with this sort of thing often cite two examples:
1. Kennedy’s race to the moon
2. The Manhattan Project to build a nuclear bomb
What do those two efforts have in common? Answer: no profit.

The Trouble With Socialized Medicine – Nutshell Version

It’s an imprudent choice to provide the government with a financial incentive to prefer to see you dead rather than ill.

Bite-Sized Wisdom: Now with Lesbians

  • Iran will talk, but they say they won’t give up their “nuclear rights.” What? First, it was a “right” to free healthcare and now it’s a “right” to nuclear missiles. Stupid liberals. They’re going to get us all nuked and then we’ll have to wait two weeks for a doctor to see us about our horrible radioactive mutations.
    But it will be “free.”
  • Speaking of nukes, North Korea wants to talk to us still, but no one cares. Come on, Norks, you’re a bunch of starving people without oil who may have a couple nukes which, if the wind helps, might reach Seoul. You’re just not a priority right now. Stand in line, and we’ll worry about you after we knock down a few other problems first.
  • Some Marines may have massacred civilians at Haditha, so now everyone is getting “values training.” Oy. I had the “Don’t Indiscriminately Kill Children” training at work, and it was really boring. I completely zoned out after about ten minutes of it. I didn’t get a thing out of it, and, if you asked me when it’s appropriate to open fire on children, I honestly don’t know.
    And don’t care.
  • BTW, just a point of order on some terminology for the Marines in the audience (you there, Joe foo’?). Now, if you say someone is a Marine, I assume he’s either active duty or in the reserves. So, is the term for a retired Marine “former Marine”? And the term for Murtha would be “ex-Marine,” right?
  • A double-amputee Iraq-war vet is suing Michael Moore for using a clip of him in Fahrenheit 9/11 to make him look anti-war when he isn’t (I can just hear liberal now saying, “Of course he’s pro-war… now. He lost two arms so he knows they won’t send him back. Chickenhawk!”). This may wound Moore, but I think what really needs to be done is a class-action lawsuit against Moore for being so fat and ugly. Is there anyone nearly as fat and ugly as Moore that we’re forced to see so much on TV and in the news? I know it’s caused me mental duress.
    Yes, and now I can hear some liberals saying, “You’re just focusing on his appearance to dodge having to deal with the salient issues he brings up!” And you’re dodging the issue that he’s fat and ugly, which I know you have no defense against.
  • Senator Harry Reid says he will no longer take free boxing tickets. Thus, the world is once again safe for democracy. I’m sorry, but it was just hard for me to care about this issue. When I was less-disillusioned and more partisan, if I heard that Sen. Reid accepted free ringside seats to boxing matches from a Nevada agency trying to influence him on federal boxing legislation, my first reaction would have been, “STONE HIM!!!” This time, it was, “So, were the fights any good?”
  • BTW, one thing I like about boxing is that it’s the purest of sports. The game is simply to hit the other guy over and over until he stops trying to get up.
    But, if there is no knockout, then it goes to the judges and becomes no more of sport than figure skating. I’m sorry, if you need a panel to tell you who won, then that is not a sport. And you know the French judge is going to give both the boxers low scores since he finds violence so abhorrent. Someone should punch him.
  • Kos has picked who he thinks will be the GOP’s strongest candidate for 2008: Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee. Memorial services for Huckabee will be held at 3pm today.
  • Why do we pay Kos any attention? Not only is he a despicable human being, he’s yet to successfully help any candidate win office. He may have a lot of fringe nuts behind him, but they’re still fringe nuts. Yes, the Democrats do pay him attention as his approval does mean fund-raising, but how long can they tell him they like him while patting him on the head with a ten foot poll before he freaks out on them?
  • Batwoman is now going to be a lesbian. I’m not a comic reader, so I’m not sure how big a deal it is for there to be gay superheroes. I mean, Aquaman has been around since the 40’s. Still, I guess the controversy is they’re taking an established character and now making her gay. What’s next? Gay Superman? The Amazingly Queer Spiderman? A scandal at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters where boys say that Charles Xavier had been touching them with his mind… inappropriately?
    Of course, with all those flamboyant costumes, I bet a lot of people already assumed most superheroes are gay.
  • BTW, I sent out a newsletter last night which everyone who signed up should have gotten this morning. Yeah, I’m still doing that. It’s not yet another thing in the graveyard of abandoned Frank J. ideas.
  • And, as I pimped it in the newsletter, I’m going to pimp it again now since I’m hoping they’ll publish me: Jim Baen’s Universe, the new SF magazine premiers today. I’ve only had a chance so far to read one thing on it which was an article about an SF writer’s attempts to get his stories to film without the studio execs butchering everything (especially the science part of science fiction). It was pretty funny while giving one a good look into why studios put out so much crap these days.
    Then again, you give me a movie with Wolverine running around cutting people and I’m entertained.
    So, if you like stories and cool articles, check out Jim Baen’s Universe (there’s plenty to view for free):
    Baens Universe Logo
    Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen’s Universe!

    Baen has been giving out lots of reading material for free on the internet for some time. It’s sort of a drug-dealer model: first sample is free, and then you have to pay for it. It worked on my brother, the poor SF reading foo’.
    He’s a Marine — neither former nor ex.
    And a geek.

Bite-Sized Wisdom: Now Extra Chewy

  • I hear Vicente Fox is in Utah speaking out against fences on the borders. And then he went in front of a nearby Home Depot and spoke about how great a day laborer he is. He’s now making four bucks an hour working on some guy’s yard and there is no indication he’s going back to Mexico.
  • So are all the jobs taken in Mexico, or are there jobs that Mexicans won’t do which they give to low-paid Guatemalans?
  • You hear about this Jesse Macbeth character pretending (poorly) to be a Army Ranger and that he killed hundreds of civilians under orders? The moonbats were jumping all over this because they really want to believe our military is wantonly slaughtering civilians in a manner reminiscent of Jenjis Khan. You’ve seen how excited Murtha got about that ongoing case in Iraq? Little tip to our service men and women: Don’t kill Iraqi civilians for sport; that will play right into the left’s hands.
    Or, if you have to slaughter civilians, keep quiet about it.
  • I think I heard Bush’s poll numbers may have gone back into the forties. According to Kos-logic, that would put him in “striking distance” of being the most popular president ever.
  • I know you wouldn’t expect me to take a stance against an obviously corrupt politician in the rival party, but I have to say that William J. Jefferson was wrong to take bribe money. And I am brave to say that.
    And what’s with hiding it in the freezer? What a maroon. You hide it in the crib under the baby… or is that drugs?
  • One last thing: Taylor Hicks better be the next American Idol or I will have lost my faith in democracy. Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol! Woo!

Bite-Sized Wisdom: Somewhat Asinine Edition

  • Thanks for the suggestions, but they were asinine. I guess that’s why I write the humor and you guys read it.
  • So, Moussaoui gets life in prison. I’ve always been somewhat ambivalent on the death penalty, but I think that, if you are going to give someone death, don’t do it some wussy way like by lethal injection. That doesn’t scare anyone. Instead, sentence people to be beaten to death by a hammer.
    JUDGE: I sentence you to be beaten with a hammer until dead.
    BALIFF: Coo’. I’m off to the hardware store.
  • Of course, other countries will be like, “America is so brutal that they beat people to death with hammers.” Other countries always miss the point; they’re so stupid. One day, we have to get rid of other countries.
  • So Geena Davis’s “Paving the Way for a Hillary Presidency” show was canceled proving that Americans just aren’t ready to watch boring tripe… well, at least boring tripe starring Geena Davis.
  • They should do a show about me as President. “Is America ready to have an in your face blogger as President?” Yeah, I’m too young to be President, but it’s TV – you don’t have to be realistic. I mean, they have this one show about a liberal President who is tough and principled; you might as well give him a dragon as a VP.
  • Speaking of dragons, my short story “No Good Deed” is in the approval process for the Jim Baen’s Universe SF magazine. If it gets published, then I’ll have actual writing credentials. Right now, if I go to some publisher and say, “Well, I write daily for a popular blog,” they just punch me in the face.
  • I’m also working on my next short story. I was reading 1984 the other day and said to myself, “This could make a great comedy.”
  • But enough about me; let’s talk about Cheney. Apparently he was giving the leaders of Russia a verbal smackdown. While Ronald Reagan scared Russia away from being Communist, I guess this whole “not being evil” thing is just a bit too much. What they really need are baby steps. Instead of killing dissenters, they just rough them up a bit. Maybe later, they can lay off them entirely… but take your time.
  • I miss Reagan. In my TV series, I should have Robo-Reagan as my Chief of Staff.
  • So are we going to do anything about Iran? I’m pretty sure (as usual) the U.N. will do nothing. I’m not convinced that Iran is crazy enough to do anything with nukes (dogs that bark that loud are just frustrated, not necessarily violent), but they probably shouldn’t have them. We should take their nukes and give them to Canada, because I don’t think Canada has any.
    “Good work on the space robot arm; here’s some nukes.”
    That should help Canada’s self-esteem, and I think it’s our job to foster that.
  • Another neighbor who needs more self-esteem is Mexico. They were even thinking of turning to drugs. There’s not too much nice to say about Mexico, but maybe America could run ads in Mexico bad-mouthing ourselves so people will stay.
    “America: Liberals say our leader is just like Hitler!”
    “America: The salsa here is not so great.”
    “America: Watch yourself, or we’ll beat you to death with a hammer.”
  • Well, that’s all I have to say for now except that, if you’re near Tonga, look for cover.

Bite-Sized Wisdom: Still Need More Coffee Edition

  • I keep hearing how Iran is on the path to getting nuclear weapons, but I don’t think that’s a good thing. I’ve seen some of those people from the Iranian government, and, I’m sorry to say, I just don’t trust them. I don’t think they want nukes for peaceful purposes at all. Someone may want to do something about this.
  • There was like a DNC rep from Texas on FOX and Friends to talk about illegal immigration, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t speak English. They kept asking her complex questions about the debate, and she just stared like a deer in the headlights before responding with a couple words that seemed to be her best guess as to something related to the question. The FOX people looked like they were doing all they could not to crack up.
    I’m not one of those “Speak English!” nazis, but if you’re going to be representing one of America’s two major two parties to an English speaking audience, it’s kinda a good idea to at least be a little fluent.
  • I don’t like people who don’t know English reading IMAO. Who knows what they may be thinking!
  • My dog Rowdi chased my cat Sydney yesterday. SarahK got all mad at Rowdi, but, if Sydney didn’t have something to hide, why did she run?
  • There is all this debate about executing Moussaoui, but he just seems too goofy to be executed. I mean, he’s just trying too hard to look evil, but it seems like the reason he wasn’t part of the 9/11 attacks is because all the other terrorists knew he was just a goofball. Maybe we could set him up like we were going to execute – strap him to a chair and everything – and then have a bunch of people whack him in the crotch with wiffleball bats. That’s seems more apropos.
    Or kill him. Not like I’m going to lose sleep over it.
  • My brother called me the other day and told me how he was training with live grenades and accidentally started the fuse while it was still in his hand. He still waited until the instructor said “Throw!” before tossing it, though.
    Just a little anecdote for anyone wondering why I call him Joe foo’ the Marine.
  • Hopefully, Joe will get into Officer Training School in June. He should make a good officer since he now has combat experience and is quite smart for a Marine since he is able to count to twenty even with his shoes and socks on.
  • I kid! Who doesn’t like the Marines? If you’re stuck in Iraq with insurgents blowing stuff up all around you, it’s not like the Navy is going to come save you.
  • Then again, if I’m getting attacked by a giant squid, I hope they send the Navy. I had a college roommate in Navy ROTC, and half the classes were about learning the vulnerabilities of the dreaded squid.
  • Sorry, but I’m just having trouble coming up with funny this week. I’m tired out on the illegal immigration topic, and nothing else is jumping out at me. Sometimes funny is easy, and other times it’s like pulling teeth. Maybe I should go with the tried and true making fun of liberals.
  • Have you seen liberals these days? What a bunch of morons. What kind of crack are they smoking? They should really go back to their crack dealers and say, “Hey, this crack you gave me is bad. Just look at these editorials I wrote in the NYTimes. That’s really messed up, dude.” Then the crack dealer will probably shoot the liberal since that’s what crack dealers do. You really can’t trust those guys. Never let them watch your kids.
  • Any other advice about crack dealers? Please put it in the comments. People need to know.

Bite-Sized Wisdom: The Return!

  • I used to do this feature Bite-Sized Wisdom because then I could just do a bunch of little jokes with a bullet points instead of putting them together in some semi-coherent form like my editorials and In My Worlds™. It seemed like that would work really well with my short attention span, but then I forgot all about it because… you know… my short attention span.
  • I feel like I should say more about illegal immigrants, but it’s just one of those issues that doesn’t move me. From my point of view, any sane person should want to be in America and do anything he or she can to get here. Still, the illegals really lose my sympathy when they prance around with Mexican flags. Hey, the whole reason you guys are here is because your country sucks. Sure, it may have culture you’re proud of, but obviously economy trumps all. What is culture worth in the end? A few tourist dollars for clay pots? Tell me, what would you rather have? The Day of the Dead, or a job? Soccer or a salary? There are correct answers to those.
  • So, can you camp near the border to Mexico, or is that just impossible because there is always these Mexicans running by and knocking over your stuff? I never camp anyway because of one bad experience. I had accidentally left a campfire unattended, and then Smokey the Bear tried to maul me. It took three shotgun blasts to bring him down.
  • If you want to see him, his head is mounted above the T.V. in the living room. I usually leave the hat on it, but sometimes I wear it for fun even though it’s a bit big for me.
  • Speaking of Mexican immigrants and wild animals, SarahK and I are really into that Dog Whisperer show. Cesar Millan is great, but who we really love is the giant pit pull he has named Daddy. When he’s helping little yapping dogs learn not to attack other dogs, he’ll always bring Daddy along. That dog could eat those yappers in one bite, but he just ignores them. Actually, he’s so obedient, a nuclear bomb could go off and he wouldn’t flinch. I want to start the Daddy fan club and make sure my Shepherd/Pit Rowdi joins. “I want you to be like that dog, and, when you are, I’ll stop beating you.”
  • So, they released that journalist in Iraq. Whoever took her didn’t seem like they had a plan at all. If you’re going to go through the trouble of kidnapping someone, at least have a backup plan for when your demands aren’t met. Still, they weren’t like my first political kidnapping. After a while, I got bored of thing and totally forgot about the guy tied up in the basement.
  • How many times can your house “mysteriously” burn down before insurers just won’t take you anymore?
  • I really want to be a professional writer (I could blog all day!), but the problem is that I’m not a starving artist. If you are starving, you’ll try anything to succeed. I’ve had this nice cushy job I like, though, and you just don’t write as well between bites of prime rib. Luckily, I got married so now it seem like I have no money. Expect much more writing from me in the future.
  • You may have noticed how the top of the IMAO main page now has ads for our CafePress store. You may ask, “What happened to the podcast?” Well, we’re still figuring out how to use that to trick people into giving us money. See, we have all this traffic to this site, and the obvious thought is “How can we turn that into money?” So, now, I’m trying merchandise from CafePress. It’s working so far, as we’ve made in the tens of dollars in profit. Even though it’s split among all the IMAO bloggers, I get to keep most of it since SarahK is good at cooking the books (she just a good cook in general).
  • Yeah, as Christians, we really shouldn’t do faulty accounting, but I did some research into the Bible, including doing some of my own translations from the original Hebrew, and I now have an argument that it’s okay to lie when money is involved.
  • I once lived in Alaska; isn’t that weird?
  • I was asked to join this Gather.com since they want more political writers. I thought it might be neat because then I might be more likely to get some liberals to read my stuff. You guys are great and all, but I can only take so much, “Frank, you’re a genius!”, “It’s like you have magical humor powers!”, and “Please be our god!” So, I’ve started out by crossing posting my editorial from Monday, and, already, three people have said bad things about it. Maybe we can get discussions going over there, but, if not, at least a shouting match. I started a political humor group if people want to join in.
  • Anyway, the Gather.com “About Me” page you set for yourself is pretty cool. It has all these different fields to fill in about what music you like and what not (guess who I put under my “Heroes”) and even has five different choices for your sexual preference. Who can choose?
  • If I get more attention at Gather.com, you know as soon as I start debating liberals, they’ll be like, “How can you have an opinion on fiscal responsibility? You’re just a chicken hawk!” I did think of joining the military once, though. Then, I found out they like shout at you and stuff. I just assumed the military got reformed the same as public school and they’d just give me a rifle and say, “Go ahead and shoot for’ners at your own pace. You’ll get a medal just for trying!”
  • Speaking of war, I just realized I don’t know how to make like any explosives. Is that weird? I know you’re supposed to be able to make all sorts of explosives out of household objects, but I don’t know one formula. If I needed to make a bomb (it happens) I’d be reduced to taking apart my bullets for the gunpowder. It says right there on the box you shouldn’t do that, though, and if I ignored that warning, it would be like I’m saying, “I’m smarter than Winchester.” And I’m totally not.
  • Off-topic (even for a post with no topic), but do they Braille ballots? It seems wrong to let the blind vote, because how are they supposed to pick a politician to elect when they can’t even see them? I know Senator John Edwards has to be against the blind voting; he works too hard on his hair for it to not even be the factor in some people’s votes.
  • Is IMAO available in Braille somewhere? If so, I’m sorry for that previous comment. If not, screw you, blind people!
  • Next podcast, I should make fun of the deaf.
  • I remember meeting a deaf kid when I was younger and trying to communicate with him. I shouted at the boy until I was hoarse, and then I couldn’t talk to people. That stuff spreads if you’re not careful.
  • I’ve thought about doing stand up comedy, but, as you may have heard from the podcasts, I have no skills at delivery. Most of my stuff is made less funny if I say it out loud. Well, there goes that dream, but, if you have to stand during a job, I consider that blue-collar work anyway.
  • I think I had some more thoughts, but I can’t remember them now. I really should write them down.
    Then again, I guess I’m doing that now. Anyhoo, if someone has seen my car keys, e-mail me with the subject “Frank’s Car Keys.” And, make sure to buy stuff and tell everyone else about IMAO. If we don’t make more money, then either the cats or the dog is going to have to stop eating, and you know SarahK and I aren’t going to agree on which it is.

Bite-Sized Wisdom December 15, 2004

  • Before I even had a chance to check my e-mail and get my first sip of coffee, I solved the problem for a circuit board that had us a banging our heads against the wall all yesterday. Man, I’m on like an engineering high right now.
  • Wow, and my blog brought in over $3000 in revenue last month (by far, most of it the W2 shirt). I decided it was time to take down the donation buttons. Anyhoo, the news…
  • Peterson was sentenced to death and will finally get his due… in twenty or thirty years. Wouldn’t it be cool if death sentence played out like this:

JUDGE: The defendant has been sentenced to death. Bailiff?
Bailiff pulls out a gun and shoots the defendant where he stands.
JUDGE: Next case!

  • Getting your client sentenced to death… that can’t look good on a resume. Geragos might have to offer coupons to entice new clients.
  • So Harry Reid – who hates black people – and Nancy Pelosi – who I think was just convicted of murder – support Tim Roemer – who I’ve never heard of – to head the DNC. Hopefully he’ll lead the DNC in a bold new direction, giving up this politics which they aren’t good at and instead forming a chain of waffle houses.
  • So, it looks like Iran and Syria are backing terrorists in Iraq. Talk about getting behind the losing team; maybe they’ll be backing the Miami Dolphins in the future.
  • The FCC is considering letting there be internet on Airplanes. It’s so sad, that, as soon as you get strapped into tons of metal and sent rocket through the air at 500mph, it’s like you’re back in the stone age.
  • A missile defense test failed, but the failure was that it didn’t launch. So, who know, it might have hit the target. Can you prove otherwise?
  • “Chemical” Ali is going to be the first Iraqi to face trial. I wonder if the prosecution will be able to call him “Chemical” Ali during the trial, or would that be considered unfairly influencing the jurors? Are nicknames always disallowed in trials?
    “So, did you murder the victim, Murder’n Carl?”
  • CNN Headline: “Wife regrets man’s huge lottery win”
    Further proof you just can’t please women, so don’t even try.
  • Senator McCain says he has “no confidence” in Rumsfeld. McCain then posed and smiled for all the cameras that followed him. In related news, Rumsfeld says he has “no mercy” for media whores.
  • An attorney is having a fit that a judge is wearing a robe with the Ten Commandment written on it… but the case is about drunken driving. There’s like totally nothing in the Commandments about drinking and driving (and I checked all ten), so it’s safe to assume God approves of us getting sloshed.
  • A jokester wore a bin Laden mask, wielded a pellet gun, and, surprisingly, got himself shot by a cab driver. Hey, that is funny.
  • The incident was in Costa Rica, and the police didn’t even bother detaining the cab driver. So Costa Rica apparently is more advanced than England (and many areas in the U.S.) about recognizing and allowing rational thought and action in the area of self-defense.
  • Keep voting for me in the blog category of the about.com 2004 Political Humor Awards. The contest right now is actually between me and Wonkette.
  • There’s a book to give away in my contest today, and one more tomorrow (Right Wing News is still giving them out, too). Keep on your toes.
  • The fun with headlines posts (one two) seem to be a big hit. I’ll keep picking out my favorites from previous posts and feature them along with a few more of my own. Then you have at it in the comments. Good job making me laugh, ronin.

News of the day

I’m one of the people FrankJ asked to guest blog while he is in Texas holding sarahk’s purse. Here goes . . .
* Cool. Both the Curse of the Bambino and the Spinal Tap Drummer Curse were done away with in the same year.
* I guess we won’t need that puppy stem cell blender after all. I call for an immediate cessation to all puppy blending research activities.
* Did you know that native peoples in the Western Hemisphere were barbarians, many of whom performed human sacrifices and were warlike and brutal? Well, I did because I grew up when they actually taught history in school. Since then, a touchy-feely idea has emerged that the native people’s had a utopia that white men disrupted. Contrary to popular current belief the natives weren’t trading wampum for peace pipes, fairy dust and sunshiny days. They were just like any other barbarian race–primitive, blood-thirsty and a hindrance to progress. I don’t weep for the lost native culture any more than I do for the extinction of the Visigoths, or the mass unemployment of blacksmiths and town heralds.
* Was your driveway filled with heavy snow during the last blizzard? Did your basement flood in the last storm? Did you ruin your dress shoes in a mud puddle? Well then, call 1-800-IAM SCUM because IT’S TIME TO SUE IN WORLD COURT! We’ll sue the neighbor across the street who burnt leaves last month. We’ll sue the guy on the other side of town driving around in a rusted out 1972 Ford LTD. We’ll sue the local plant where you work because it burns coal to make electricity. Sure, you’ll be out of a job and play a part in destroying the global economy, but you’ll get your nuisance suit settlement check.
* It can’t be a coincidence that on the same day the Vatican announced that it will hold a special “theoretical and practical course for Roman Catholic priests on Satanism and exorcism,” that Air America signed a new
two year contract
with Franken. “Do you renounce Franken and all the spiritual forces of wickedness that rebel against God?”
* You can imagine my surprise, when my wife brought home a brutal snuff film from Blockbuster today.
* It’s a sad day when you can’t even peruse a porno magazine with an underage kid without wiping it (the magazine) down for
prints afterwards.
* You just know that Slick Willy is dying to try out his new pick up line at the New Years Eve party being held at his trailer house in the sky in Little Rock. He’s been practicing non-stop in the mirror: “You know ::biting lip:: 2005 is the year of the Cock.”
* I wonder if detecting “radioactive dirty bombs” counts against your minutes, and if so, do terrorists have a better chance of smuggling such a bomb into a major metropolitan area on a weekday during business hours when bomb detecting minutes are at a premium?
* Adding insult to injury. Don’t computer nerds have enough
working against their procreation as it is?
* “Hi, welcome to KFC, may I take your order.”
“I would like a 3 piece meal, extra mutant, and a medium Hi-C.”
* Getting ready for a blind date: clean new shirt–check, cologne–check, flowers–check, cash from the ATM–check, Daniel kitten puppet–check?

Bite-Sized Wisdom: December 7, 2004

  • I went to National Review Online yesterday and noticed the orange banner and was like, “Dude, a little late with the Halloween decorations.” Ends up it’s to show support for the good guys in Ukraine. See, the only previous knowledge I have about orange and politics involves why my grandfather, Frank J. Sr., had to leave Ireland in such a rush.
  • Anyway, I tried to finally understand the Ukraine issue. It’s easy to understand from the perspective that America is good and likes good things and Putin is bad and likes bad things. We like that there is going to be a new vote, so a new vote is a good thing. That’s because we like… uh… Viktor. Wait, both the candidates are named Viktor and have long last names that begin in ‘y’. Still, I have it on good authority that they are two completely different people. And we like one – the good Viktor – while Putin favors another – the bad Viktor… who is bad. Hope that clears things up.
  • With Russia trying to hold on to its old Soviet Union partners and working on new nukes, could this be the reemergence of the Soviet Union and the Cold War? That would be so cool! It would be like one of those movies where you thought the bad guy was killed in the first, but somehow comes back at the beginning of the sequel. What would we subtitle this one?
    Cold War 2: Sub-Zero
    Cold War 2: The Freeze
    Cold War 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold
    Anyway, whatever it’s called, like all wars, it should be fun!
  • So Tommy Thompson warns of attacks on the food supply. What are we going to do now? Have armed Marines in the produce section? Some old lady going to be squeezing a cantaloupe to check if it’s fresh and find a Beretta 9mm pressed against her temple with the warning, “You’ve had enough time to tell whether that melon is ripe or not; now either buy it or back away!” That would be so funny… and, uh, wrong.
  • Al Qaeda took credit for an attack on a U.S. Consulate in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they killed a number of locals before getting killed or captured themselves. Gee, that sure taught us. Do you ever think a terrorist attack will be so botched that Al Qaeda will deny credit right away. Like if a truck rams into an American building and absolutely nothing happens. “Dude, that totally wasn’t us; Al Qaeda always wires its bombs properly as Allah wills. That must have been that other terrorists group… uh… Bud Qaeda.”
  • Bush won Ohio! Officially! Why is this news! I dunno! But hooray!
  • So it looks like some environmentalcases burned down homes under construction in Maryland. Seems like we keep getting more of this home grown terrorism. How do these groups recruit, anyway?

RECRUITER: Do you care about the environment?
KID: No, not really.
RECRUITER: Well… do you like to burn things?
KID: YEAH!
RERUITER: Then you have what it takes to be an environmentalist.

  • A Yemeni sheik said that Allah will bring great storms to America because of his arrest. A little late there, buddy. If you said that before the Florida hurricane season, though, you might have actually converted me.
    Did I remember to take down all the storm windows?
  • 532 alert readers e-mailed me about how the University of Pittsburgh (which is scarily near my alma mater Carnegie Mellon) cloned monkey embryos. Good job guys; you know there is a huge demand for more monkeys that look alike.
  • Now, you probably ask, will this research eventually lead to the future warned about in The Planet of Apes including the blowing up of the Statue of Liberty? According to my research, there are absolutely no scenarios in which this won’t.
  • BTW, I’m organizing a mob to storm the University of Pittsburgh. We’re going old-school, so stop at Ace Hardware and pick up a pitchfork or a torch. Instead of attacking wherever they did the monkey experiment, though, we’re going up against the Cathedral of Learning since it is much more ominous looking. Fun for the whole family!
  • In case you missed it, big contest going on! You keep checking IMAO and you win!

Bite-Sized Wisdom: The Final Day of November, 2004

  • Bush is visiting Canada, a country whose sole claim to fame is being next to America. Expect nothing interesting to happen as has been the norm for Canada since its existence.
  • Iran is having a temporary nuke freeze to “create trust.” To build on that trust, the Ayatollahs are going to close their eyes and fall backwards into the hands of world leaders.
  • Ukraine is still in the news. If it lasts another news cycle, I’ll have to devote some time to figuring out why I’m supposed to care.
  • Brain scans can tell when people are lying. Finally, a more modern way to tell if someone is lying than beating him with a rubber hose.
  • That makes me think of a joke:

Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. His Broca’s area on the inferior frontal gyrus shows significant activity.

  • China is claiming that the new airport being built in Beijing will be the world’s largest. Anyone who disagrees with this claim will be executed.
  • In South Korea a formerly paralyzed woman is walking due to stem cells. The problem is, these stem cells are from umbilical cord blood and thus doesn’t involve any killing whatsoever to gather them. Thus the procedure has been denounced by the embryonic stem cell lobby group Others Must Die So We May Walk.
  • The Red Cross is claming that conditions for prisoners at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, are “tantamount to torture”. What! I pay tons of taxes each year, and I want full-fledged torture for my money! The government is always doing a half-assed job…
  • HAPPY DANCE COMMITTEE REPORT: The internet camera that Frank J. has is not sufficient for videotaping that happy dance. A digital camera will be obtained. Also, there are hopes that an experienced choreographer will be involved, because it would be horrible if Frank J. ends up looking silly doing the happy dance.
  • If you didn’t notice, I’m back! Expect an In My World™ later this week and more adventures of the Hate-Filled Lefty™.
  • Oh, and I could use your help. Spam has built up so much in my comments, that it would take weeks of dedicated work to clean it up and close comments for all old posts. Is there any nuclear bomb solution someone knows (are newer version of MT better for this?)? Also, I just got a new desktop (if the IRS asks, I only use it for blogging – oh, and I only bought Half Life 2 to test the hardware) and thus need to move everything important over to it (e-mail, web settings, etc.). I have both my old and new computers in the same room right now, with them on the same network (I have an 802.11g AP that works as a router) to help with transfers. What I really wonder is if I can move Microsoft Office 2003 and Norton Anti-Virus to the new computer without having to pay for them again (legally). Also, while I’m asking for things, if someone could give me a back rub, that would be great.

Bite-Sized Wisdom: November 24, 2004 – UPDATED!

  • CNN Headline: “Powell: Israeli-Palestinian cooperation good
    “Fire bad!” Powell adds.
  • There is unrest in Ukraine! That means… uh… I know this one…
  • Zarqawi has released a new audiotape. Critics say that, while it will please his fans, it’s just more of the same and shows Zarqawi has lmited talent. The drum solos are as good as always, though.
  • I bought socks from Wal-Mart (mmm… new socks), and they came in a resealable bag that advertised its resealability. Am I missing something? Should I be preserving my socks?
  • Here’s an article about rating what games are appropriate for children. Notice the fourth to last paragraph where one of the people complains that videogames force children “to kill in order to win.” What? Should they be hugging in order to win? Videogames without violence is like sports… without violence – boring!
  • There will now be international monitors of the Palestinian election to ensure that the best Jew-hater wins.
  • Cingular Wireless is expected to cut 6,800 jobs after it’s merger.
    “Can you hear me now? Good… You’re fired!”
  • Critics are panning the Oliver Stone’s Alexander the Great film. The main complaint: Not gay enough!
  • The FBI says there has been an increase of racism and hate in post 9/11 America. The cause, says the report, is “too many dumb crackers.”
  • Yeah, I’m in full holiday mode and didn’t have time to come up with any good post. Maybe I’ll add to this later, but I have a decently busy work day. Anyway, I’ll have at least one more post before Thanksgiving. Later, sportsfans.

Bite-Sized Wisdom: November 19, 2004

  • As you all probably know, Bill Clinton opened his presidential library yesterday. Before you make any jokes, no, it’s not just porn.
    There are also some saxophones.
  • The building is supposed to represent Clinton’s bridge to the 21st century, but it looks like a giant trailer from a trailer park. Expect the whole thing to be knocked over come next Halloween.
  • Hear about the Vibe awards? Put a bunch of violent rappers in one room and there’s a stabbing! I’m shocked – shocked, I tell you!
    I say some stabbing might liven up the Oscars, but I won’t try and tell Chris Rock what’s funny.
  • U.S. forces have captured Al-Zarqawi’s headquarters, a place which has funding almost as shady as the Clinton Library. Having confiscated all his equipment, I hear Zarqawi is now left to planning terror on an Etch-a-Sketch.
    “The CIA is coming! Shake! Shake like you never have before, Omar!”
  • An Iraqi militant group warned Muslims to skip the country’s coming elections, and said anyone who runs for office would be branded an infidel and “punished in the name of God.” Wow, rhetoric on elections there is almost getting as bad as it is here. Expect Moveon.org to come in and make the militant group look moderate.
  • A reporter has been convicted of contempt for not revealing his source. Back in high school, all I’d lose is a letter grade if I tried to pull the same stunt on a report.
  • Condoleezza Rice is to have uterine fibroid surgery – just to rub her health insurance in all the faces of the uninsured!
    REPUBLICANS!!!!
  • Bill Gates is the world’s most spammed person, and there’s a whole division dedicated to making sure he only get wanted e-mails. Problem is he’s too shy to tell them he really does want a larger penis.
  • Scientists say that running is a key human characteristic. Are they trying to say that Michael Moore is incapable of being human?
  • U.S. is once again considering giving the Palestinians aid. If you have a strap on bomb you’re not using and would like to donate, contact the State Department.
  • The cause of Arafat’s death may soon be revealed. I’m guessing motorcycle stunt gone bad.
  • ABC is moving Alias to Wednesday. If you’re a Tivo, please take note.
  • That’s the news people. A new adventure of the Hate-Filled Liberal is to come later today.
    Be honorable, ronin.

Bite-Sized Wisdom: Smart, Important People Against Bush, the Clinton Documentary and Portrait, the Cost of Marital Fidelity, and It Was Self-Defense; I Swear!

  • There is a coalition of former diplomats against Bush, and we should like listen to them because they’re diplomats – well, former ones. Of course, I don’t what kinds of diplomats they are; it could be like when they say there are all these scientists who agree that global warming will destroy the planet and then you find out some of the scientists who made this conclusion are specialized in the breeding habits of fruit flies.
    All I’m saying is, at this point, I wouldn’t give them any more consideration than the coalition of drunken hobos against Bush.
  • And where is Kerry’s coalition of unnamed former leaders in support of him?
  • Apparently someone made a Clinton documentary. I don’t know much about, such as whether it’s going to be on the big screen or go straight to adult video stores.
  • Sorry. Obvious joke. I should write for Leno.
  • While we’re on the topic of Bill Clinton, they recently unveiled the Bill Clinton presidential portrait and the Hillary Clinton gargoyle.
  • Okay, now I need like the web version of a rim shot.
  • Apparently Iraqis don’t like us. Just one thing: who cares? It’s our job to get things done; we’ll leave being liked to the impotent Old Europe. The Iraqis just better live happily in freedom after we leave or they’re really going to get it!
  • What do you go on to from Speaker of the House? Apparently an Amazon.com reviewer. And who say politicians never contribute to society. So does he recommend any good books with tips on hunting giraffes?
  • Worried that you husband is cheating you? Well, the secret to marital fidelity isn’t love, honor, and commitment; instead, it’s PAINFUL INJECTIONS TO THE BRAIN!
    Yes, studies show that even the most gigolo of voles can be made faithful by inserting a certain gene into its brain. Whether this will work on humans is uncertain, but there are some similarities between voles and humans in how they don’t like PAINFUL INJECTIONS TO THE BRAIN!
    Actually, I can already see how this will be effective:

WIFE: “You better stop looking at other women, Roy, or it’s PAINFUL INJECTIONS TO THE BRAIN!”
HUSBAND: (quivering in fear) “I only have eyes for you, dear!”

  • Some people thought my “I can’t wait until I get mugged!” comment from my recent (and sub-par) range report was a bad idea. My commenters seemed to understand it was a joke (though this muckadoo didn’t), but are concerned that, if, heaven forbid, I one day end up in self-defense shooting, a prosecutor could use that statement against me.
    Well, I would just like to tell this hypothetical prosecutor that the statement was most certainly a joke. I always carry responsibly and never look for trouble. Any implications that I’m like the Charles Bronson character from Death Wish is completely crazy and inaccurate.
    What? You’re not buying that?
    Uh… then… I didn’t write that at all! The mugger’s family must have hired someone to hack into my website and add that statement to set me up. That shooting was purely self-defense, and any implications…
    So what if he was shot in the back of the head? I, as unlikely as it sounds, missed, and the bullet ricocheted off a wall and hit him in the back of the head.
    What? Pre-fragmented ammo doesn’t ricochet? Is that what your ballistics “expert” is telling you? What the hell does he know?
    Oh, he wrote that book? I thought his name sounded familiar. Gee, then… uh…
    Screw this. I’m now pleading insanity.
    I am the lizard king!