• Is It Wrong to Wish for Better Enemies?: Stupid terrorists can’t even hold on to their own hostages. Sometimes you have to wonder why these nimrods even bother going up against us. I especially am confounded on how some think they’re superior to the West because of their religion. We’re smarter than them, we’re richer than them, we have better weapons and tactics, we have hygiene, our land isn’t nothing but sand, and we’re not overrun by monkeys, yet Allah favors them. Riiiiight.
  I remember the Soviets. Though we always knew we were superior to them and lived better lives, at least they could actually threaten to destroy the world. The Islamic extremists should learn from them.
• An Outrage: I can’t believe this political statement Kerry just took! It makes me so mad and… Oh, he just changed his position on that; never mind.
  Okay, I should say something substantial about John Kerry, but nothing interesting has happened lately. It’s too early to celebrate, but he’s just looking more and more unelectable each day. Maybe the Democrats could do a Torricelli and switch him out for another candidate at the last minute, but who? Jo-Jo the Democrat Monkey? America is in a war mode right now, and it’s obvious all the Democrats still want to be whining about prescription drugs and school lunch programs and what not.
  One day most of our threats will be taken care of, and then we can go back to having the inane be the top issues of the day, but not any time soon.
• The Haze of War: Speaking of war, I’m really lost on what’s going on right now? Are we killing all the bad guys, or are we just dicking around? Things seem so hopeless at times, but many of the troops I hear from make things don’t seem so bad. And then what happens after June 30th? Are we just going to hope that liberty spreads from Iraq through the rest of the Middle East, or are we going to come out of Iraq like a bat out of hell killing dictators left and right? I know it’s not the Pentagon’s job to keep me informed on such things, but throw me a bone here.
• Save Our Landfills: I did some major cleaning over the weekend, and I had an epiphany. They have a do not call list and are trying to make a do not spam list, so do you think they could make an “I do not want AOL” list?
• Monkey News: It’s all coming together; in Commie China they won’t allow farmers to kill evil monkeys. I’m just glad I live in a free country where I can kill monkeys on a whim.
• The Babe: I know we’re all excited to now see the modeling photos from SarahK. I was thinking about making this IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest an annual thing like a beauty pageant, but, if SarahK does a good job (as I’m sure she will) I’d rather have one face representing IMAO (other than mine, I mean). So what should be the next contest? Maybe there can be one for artists for the best rendition of Chomps. Any other ideas?
• Me Busy: Sorry I got like nothing today, but on Mondays I have no time to write for Tuesday. I could spend all weekend writing post for the next week, but I don’t wanna/ To balance my job, writing, and having some semblance of a social life, I’ve decided I need to have more focus, and thus, for now, I’m not going to pursue being a columnist to focus more on writing a novel. Someone e-mail Jonah Goldberg and tell him his job is safe… for now.
• Excrement in Human Form: Someone who should lose his job – even though I don’t plan on replacing him – is Ted Rall. Look at his latest comic here and his defense of it here.
  Let me give you a little lesson in humor. You might remember my hate mail to Michael Moore I did some time back. The secret to the humor there is that I don’t hate Michael Moore and was laughing the whole time writing the piece. In Rall’s comic, you just imagine the bile in him as he puts his prejudices forward in such a disgusting manner; no one could think that was funny except for a few other moral midgets who share his view.
  Anyway, why don’t we in blogosphere do something about it? Rall has been a published idiots long enough. Let’s start a coalition to make Ted Rall lose his job. He doesn’t need to be homeless; I’m fine with him mumbling his crazy political views to himself as he sweeps the floor in McDonalds. Any idea on how to start this? Would is begin with a letter writing campaign to who publish him (MSNBC and Newsweek I think)?
  For the time being, I’ll keep my good humor. There always Emperor Darth Misha I out there to be angry enough for the both of us.
  UPDATE: Actually, Misha has who you should e-mail to get Rall fired. Check his comment section for a nice civil e-mail from Bill Whittle you should use as an example (bile is what Rall is, and bile won’t get rid of him). Also, Whitler now has up his version of his lunch with me which is a bit different than I remember it.
• In the Future: Fellow ronin, I will have a new mission and target soon, so hold on to your one time pads (or, for those who don’t like that term, Vernam ciphers). Also, there was no way I could give a proper finale to The Limey for today, so that should be tomorrow if I don’t have to work horribly late today and can get it done before 24 comes on. Also, if I have time at lunch, I’ll try to have a little something more on my site today. Later, sportsfans.

• The Paradox Candidate: So, in summary, Kerry did and didn’t vote for funding the troops, does and doesn’t own an SUV, and he did and didn’t throw his medals over the wall. It’s like Schrˆdinger’s Cat escaped from the box.
• The Frenchest Party in Town: In one of those mass Kerry e-mails, I was encouraged to throw a John Kerry party at my house. How would that work? Maybe I could serve a John Kerry drink – a drink that’s different every time you serve it (it both does and doesn’t have vermouth; it’s nuanced). There could also be the By the Way I Served in Vietnam drink which is handed to you over and over while its name is announced loudly.
• You Served Where?: I was just thinking, my dad had served about eight months in Vietnam – twice as long as Kerry – and I think I’ve heard him mention it less throughout my entire life than I have heard Kerry mention his service in the past couple months. Me, I would exploit my service:
  “Get me a beer from the fridge, boy!”
  “Get it yourself.”
  “Do as tell you! I served in Vietnam!”
• It’s Magic!: Going back to the party idea, Kerry has the ultimate party trick. He could take his medals, throw them over a wall, and then have them magically reappear framed in a glass case when politically convenient.
• A Little Less Insurgey: That’s 43 down; how many does that leave?
• Hostages Are Nothing But Dishonorable Ronin: Interesting how the returning hostages to Japan got treated. I guess it’s a learning experience for the terrorists about which of our allies will be affected by hostage taking, and I guess they shouldn’t try it on the ones that react by getting mad at the hostages.
• The Even Lamer Superhero: Brian J. (no relation) has evidence that John Kerry is Aquaman. Am I making fun of Aquaman too much?
• I Forgot to Celebrate that Holiday: Here’s a blogger I should have added to my blogroll a while ago. Look at her description of what she did on Earth Day.
  Wait, I still haven’t added her to the blogroll. I’ll do it later…
• The Appeasingest Place on Earth: A very reputable new source reports that Europe has decided to give up trying to become countries and be one big theme park. It’s nice to hear that EU is finally getting realistic. (thanks to Combustible Boy for sending that in)
• Monkey News: Hong Kong has had an increase in monkey problems, monkey stealing people’s food and then throwing back at the people whatever they don’t like. So, they’re targeting the worst of the offenders to quell the problem. Fools! You must target all monkeys, as those that aren’t directly causing trouble are conspiring with the others. No country can be truly successful until they’re like us in the U.S. and get rid of all wild monkeys.
• I’m So Sorry; Let Me Comfort You: Bad news for Halle Barry; good news for single guys!
• Me Write Better: I had a group critique with my writing group on a fantasy novel I’m working on, and, unlike last time, they thought I shouldn’t toss the whole thing out. I’m getting better! Soon I’ll be the greatest novelist ever!
• Punk Kids and Animal Abuse: Stupid punk teenager beating up a poor, defenseless 400 pound bear. Seriously, what a badass. Now there’s someone with the potential to be an uber-bully. A little advice for nerds at his high school: if he asks for your lunch money, just hand it over and walk away.
• Frank Fans: I’ll have an update on activities soon. Congrats on the [blacked out]. Maybe I’ll start accepting more members in the exclusive fan club soon.
• Tick Tock: Babes, you have only today and tomorrow to enter the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest. No late entries will be accepted. So get moving before this one time opportunity passes you by!

• Nuke the Moon: It’s back!
  
  This is your chance to get in the Peace Gallery. Also, if you’ve never actually read the essay, you’re and idiot and I have nothing but contempt for you. Plus, there’s the special NTM IMW.
  BTW, there is now a quote from me on ThoseShirts.com on the main page, plus I have a new description for the KTE:French Shirt. Man, I never did come up with a good promotional idea for my educational shirts. Maybe pictures of people teaching kids to hate the French and Terrorists.
• Everybody’s Happy: So Israel kills Rantisi, and you think everybody should be happy. Israel should have one less terrorist to deal with, and Rantisi gets 72 virgins, but the Palestinians act mad, saying how they’re going to really, really try to kill Israelis now (like what they were doing before?). That’s crazy. If I were an Israeli official, I’d say, “You Palestinians should be happy we help you get your virgins… unless you don’t actually believe in your religion. If that’s the case, then shame!”
• Targeted Fun: Man, targeted killing sounds so cool. I wish we Americans had people to cruise missile. Maybe we could do that to Munchie (Sadr). I think Israel doesn’t exploit targeted killings enough, though. They really should have cameras on the front of the missiles and then have a show called “Terrorists Funniest Last Expressions”.
• Keeping It Up: Bush is leading Kerry in the polls now, which is good because I don’t like Kerry. I think a lot of that has to do with him being a Democrat. I don’t like Democrats.
  Ooh! I need to do a Know Thy Enemy™ about Democrats before the election. Already have one planned for tomorrow.
• The Spench: Bush scolded the Spaniards for pulling out their troops, saying, “You cowardly, unwashed Spaniards! I spit on your mothers!” Actually, I don’t know what he said, I didn’t have time to read the article. Anyway, I’m sure this gives comfort to our enemies which means more killing will be needed to settle things. That will make the Marines happy, but not the Iraqis.
• Got Your Six: The Barking Moonbat has a poll about which blogger would you want to cover your six in a foxhole in Fallujah (are there foxholes in Fallujah?). I’m not doing so well. I remind you I’m a very good aim (I’ll have a post with pictures later today to prove it), and could easily shoot you in the back of the head if you don’t trust me. So go vote for me.
• Bad Fans: Camille doesn’t think my fan clubs are doing a great job. I really don’t know what fan clubs are supposed to do, never having joined one (why would I have to look up to someone else when I’m me?). What do you think you should do? Should we have nickname like Jonah’s fans? They’re called “Flying Monkeys” which is evil. I suggest my fans be called “ronins”. What do you think?
• Secret Stuff: Apparently, most people have now decrypted the message and followed the instructions (thanks to Orion). The first mission will be posted soon. This is going to be such cool spy stuff I wish I were you.
  No I don’t; it’s cool being me… master spy!
  Anyway, remember the first and second rules…
• The Limey: The Limey sent me another e-mail and its really long and I didn’t even bother reading it yet. To be honest, I’ve kinda gotten tired of his shtick. This will be the tenth, so maybe I should make it the series finale. Do you think I should wait to respond until after May 1st to see if capitalism falls on that day like he says?
  Once I’m done with him, a reader (sorry, I forgot who; tell me in the comments) sent me this to get rid of him.
  
• Almost There: Look at these two Cox & Forkum comics that Baldilocks put together (and the first was made right after Yassin was killed making it somewhat prescient).
• Lazy Babes: There’s still a week left to enter the contest, but I’m a little antsy that very few have entered the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest so far (and thanks to those who have). Are you all waiting for the last minute? I hope the reissue of the Nuke the Moon T-Shirt is enough to motivate you to get off your lazy babe asses.
  Since there have been some questions, I might have an entry FAQ tomorrow at the one week deadline.
• Me Busy: Sorry to have so little, but Monday nights I have martial arts followed by my writing group followed by bed (BTW, if people are interested, maybe I could share some of my writing with the ronin; damn, that reminds me – I need to get to writing that freak’n column so I can steal Jonah’s job!). To help, maybe next Monday I can put up a post where you can all comment on the topics of the day so I know what to write about Tuesday morning.
  I have some photos of the results of my recent trip to the shooting range which I’ll share with you later today if you are all good.
  Ciao.

• No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: Why do people want to piss us off? Don’t they know no one has more killing power than the U.S. of A.? Do they really want to know how far we can go? Now we have an Iraqi cleric saying we have to pay for instigating the current crisis in Iraq. G.M. Chrysler, what gall! Saddam was oppressing these people, and now, having saved them from that tyranny, a number of them are now angry at us? I guess it’s always too lofty a goal to get people to like us. Frankly, I’m fine with people hating us as long as they aren’t trying to kill us. And, if we can get them living in a free society to boot, all the better. Being liked is for Old Europe; our goal should be to do good.
• Dude, I’m Like Totally Devout: Is it just me, or does Sadr look more like a stoner from college who should be nicknamed Munchie than a religious leader? Frankly, I think you could find a better cleric scouting a pool hall.
• John Who?: I wanted to say something about Kerry, but he hasn’t done anything worth noting. Good for him.
• Miserable Numbers: Oh wait, he decided the misery index we’ve been using for decades makes Bush look too good so he fiddled around with a number of variables until he could make some misery index that makes Bush look bad. Wow, I thought I was doing well this year, but, according to John Kerry’s numbers, I’m miserable. Well, you got vote, jackass.
• Try Not Inhaling Water: Here in the sunny state of Florida, the government is doing more to prevent drownings. I just want to make it clear that we here at IMAO (meaning me) are against drownings. Thank you.
• In America, We Hate Kings: The Spanish prince is a douche. He’s all complaining because he had to get searched at an airport like everyone else (actually, he got VIP treatment). I think in America, where we threw off monarchies, we should treat princes even worse than regular people. All kings get wedgies when they come to the States, I say. You want to be some dumbass monarch, then stay in your own medieval country.
• Make My Dream a Reality: Reader Rocco M. pointed out this story about this ebay auction to send 22 pound of whatever you want to the moon and pointed how this is my opportunity to nuke the moon! All I have to do is get 6 million and a nuclear weapon by the end of the day…
• Evil Monkeys for Kerry: John Kerry’s website made the dumb mistake of letting anyone make a supporter page, and some bloggers took advantage of that. If only I had jumped on the opportunity…
• Indeed: Ever notice how much I like ellipses…
• IMAO in Pictures: Jason Walker liked my comparison of Vietnam to Iraq, so he made this animated GIF. I think IMAO has a lot of potential as either live action or animated; don’t any wealthy producers read this site?
• See Post Title: Guinness, the official beer of IMAO, is good for you. Cool. I hope the next study shows that nothing makes you healthier than Taco Bell, and I’m set.
  There’s always all these studies coming out saying how practically everything both prevents and causes some disease, and some may conclude you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. I say consume whatever the hell you want, and all the benefits and defects should even out in the end. [Ed. Note: This theory is not supported by any scientific evidence and is condemned by most nutritionists]
• Probably Wouldn’t Be Allowed by my HOA: Now here is a mailbox. Personally, if I were a mailman, I’d be a little afraid to open that.
• Monkey News I: A Hong Kong woman is suing the government over a monkey destroying her T.V. I don’t know how strict a constitutionalists you all are, but, I think of all the basic services the federal government should do, one of them is keeping monkeys away from our T.V.’s. I mean, I have an expensive surge protector connected to my wide screen, but the closest thing I have to a monkey protector is a shotgun.
• Monkey News II: Scientist in London are saying people should talk like chimps. This is extremely subversive and must be stopped. I’m not saying we should break off relations with one of our closest allies, but the threat should be there. This can not spread, as it is exactly what the monkeys want. Once we talk like them, then we’ll come to accept them, and then we’ll elect them to high office, and then they’ll raise capital gains taxes just before I sell my house. It’s history repeating itself all over again.
• Glass Jaw: Man, I used to love this old Nintendo game, but it was so long since I played it, I forgot that John Kerry was in it. (sent in by Salieri)
  * Frank Joins the 21st Century: I finally got a scanner, so, to celebrate, I searched through my two volume set of the entire Far Side collection to find my all time favorite far side comic and scan it. Ended up it was halfway through the second volume (damn that took a long time). Anyway, here it is.
• The Tralse: Also, now that I have a scanner, I’ll show you one of my greatest inventions. Now, we’ve all had true/false tests. Some have you put an ‘F’ or a ‘T’ next to the statement, but then some teachers found it was easy to fudge it and make something that looks halfway between the two letters. So, those teachers make you spell out the whole word. That got me thinking: is there anyway to fudge the entire word?
  The answer is the Tralse:
  
  Basically, you fudge the first letter as normal, then you begin to write the letters “rue” in cursive, making the ‘r’ a bit curved so it might be an a and extending the first half of the ‘u’ so it could also be seen as an ‘ls’.
  Now we run into the supervillian paradox: The reason there aren’t actually any supervillians is because, if someone was smart enough to be one, he could make money legally. And I, smart enough to make the tralse, never needed to cheat on a test because I always knew the answers. I’d sure love to hear of someone in either high school or college who is stumped on one question in a true/false test trying this out and telling me what happens, though.
• Let’s Go Clubbing: Canadians have gone back to killing cute little baby seals, seeking out and destroying them just like they aren’t doing terrorists. I’m so torn. I don’t like Canadians, because, well, they’re Canadians and God made them for us to pick on. But I also don’t like baby seal just because they’re always breaking into building and trashing places and robbing liquor stores. So who do I side with? I think I’ll side with the seals, because I’ve never gotten pissed off by accidentally getting seal money as change.
• They Just Want Attention and They Don’t Care What Kind It Is: INDC journal has pictures from another one of those dumb anti-war/anti-America/anti-humanity protests, but this time some Iraqis confront the hippies to mix things up. “Pacifists” used to not like people being killed (or, at least, that was the propaganda), but these guys seem to have lost their way. Here’s a radical solution: ignore them. The debate is not helped by the input of jobless idiots who like to yell. When you see protestors, instead of beating up the hippies like normal, beat up the reporters covering them (their co-dependents). Then we’ll have peace.
• Fan Club E-Mail: To all the people who signed up for the fan club, I’m going to learn to set up a proper e-mail list and send it out again. Then we’ll get to [rest of message blacked out]
• One Last Thing: Remember: Bush is on T.V. tonight. My advice to him is to remember that the press is your enemy and they want to destroy you. I’d come out and immediately hit a few with a bat which should itimidate them from being too negative. Unfortunately, violence is the only language they understand (well, the only one worth talking to them in).

• It Ain’t Funny… Yet: A lot of people asked me right after the Fallujah killings why I didn’t say anything; well, that’s because there wasn’t anything funny to say. I guess I’m locked in my format, and I’m not that good at serious commentary.
  That Marines are there, anyway, and, as soon as they track down those responsible and riddle them bullets, then I’ll make a joke. Ooh! I got one now…
• In Bloggo Veritas: I assume most people have heard about the Kos kerfuffle where his feeling about those who were killed in Fallujah was “screw them.” Geez, what is it with pacifists and a complete utter lack of humanity?
  Anyway, when does one cross the line from dissenter to horrible human being? I think most would say Chomsky and Michael Moore crossed that line a while ago, and it’s starting to look like Kos did. Sure, he took down the statement, but it’s very revealing how someone is so caught up in his or her own politics that he or she would immediately respond to horrific killings with “screw them”. It seems his political philosophies are more important to him than human lives.
  He should have come to IMAO. We help make sure you don’t take politics too seriously (why do I always say ‘we’?).
• For the Record I: If Kos’s burnt corpse was mutilated and dragged through the street, I’d say, “Hey! Don’t do that!”
  I guess as a warmongering hawk, I just have a different view on the sanctity of life.
• Jobs!: 308,000 new jobs were made in March. That’s a freaking lot of jobs! The Kerry campaign must be crapping their pants. They already know no one is going to trust John Flip-Flopping Kerry to handle the war on terror, so, if he can’t make the economy an issue, he’s got nut’n… except for his wife’s millions. Why does every rich, haughty, French-looking person gotta run for office? Why can’t he just be happy with his snotty social status and money? As Homer Simpson would say, “Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!”
  Hey, since I filed my blog in my taxes as an in-home business, does this blogging count as one of those jobs? Anyway, it’s my job, and no one else can have it!
• All This Attention Must Give Him a Big Head: John Kerry’s hatchet man, Ted Kennedy, has now compared Iraq to Vietnam. Why does anyone listen to that man? Oh yeah; he’s a freak’n Senator. Stupid Taxachusetts.
  I just can’t believe that bloated man’s gall. If he had his way, he would drive this country right off a cliff and then swim to safety while letting us drown. Well, America is going to fight evil no matter how bloated an impotent Senator Massachusetts elects. You hear that, jackasses? And once we’re done with terrorists, we’re coming for you!
• For the Record II: If Ted Kennedy’s burnt corpse was mutilated and dragged through the street, I’d say, “Wow! That vehicle has some torque!”
  Kidding.
  He may be an uber-partisan, lecherous liberal who’s committed vehicular homicide, but he’s our uber-partisan, lecherous liberal who’s committed vehicular homicide, dammit, and you evil foreigners better not burn him and mutilate his corpse if you know what’s good for you (which, as history shows, you probably don’t).
• IMAO Seal of Approval: I saw the movie Rundown over the weekend. It’s a pretty cool action flick starring The Rock with Christopher Walken (with a quick cameo from the Governator), and should have two scenes in it where you should instantly think of IMAO. Anyone who has seen it know what I’m talking about? Definitely worth a rent or, if you’re like me, putting on your Netflix queue.
• The Circle is Now Complete: Speaking of movies, I’ve noticed on my sidebar that the original Star Wars trilogy on DVD is now available for pre-order. Is that the last of the movie holdouts to finally hit DVD, or is there some other classic (well, Star Wars was classic back when Han Solo shot first) still not available in the modern movie format?
• Monkey News: Monkey are making life hell for citizens of Chandigarh, India, stealing food and just generally being monkeys. India is a growing democracy, and, to fully join the civilized world, they must destroy the temples of Hanuman the monkey god and hunt down all the evil monkeys. A democratic country with nuclear power is worthless if monkeys are running everywhere, jumping from nuclear missile to nuclear missile while making their silly monkey sounds. The world – namely me – is laughing at you, India, and you shouldn’t take that.
• For the Record III: If monkeys’ burnt corpses were mutilated and dragged through the street, that would be a good start.
• Fan Buttons: I now have buttons for my fan clubs. I have a nice one made from a reader Ben for fan club one, and I used one of the ones supplied by Jennifer for fan club two.
  Make sure to sign up for the Frank Fan Club so that you too can be used towards making me rich and famous and stealing Jonah Goldberg’s job. I’ll send an e-mail to charter members this weekend welcoming you and giving you your one time pads to decrypt the super secret Frank Fan messages.
• Some Americans (I’m Ashamed to Say) Do Read French: Now we have subversive laptop tote bags (thanks to reader Jeff for e-mailing me this one).
  So, by putting the message in just the French, do you think they are trying to be funny or are cowards?
  Either way, let’s not take this too far and mutilate their burnt corpses while our children cheer us on.
• T-Shirt Babe!!!: The official announcement for the IMAO T-Shirt Babe contest will be tomorrow, along with the rules, list of the prizes, and the celebrity judges (plus details on how one IMAO reader can win being one of those judges). Help support this great contest which will add yet another job (namely IMAO T-Shirt Babe) to the Bush economy.

• Bush Go Up: Yay! Bush is gaining in the polls since people have started to learn that John Kerry sucks. This was inevitable as more people would hear Kerry talk. His haughty frenchness causes people to retch and vote Republican.
  The CW is that this is going to be a close election, but I want a blow out. Then I’m going to Democratic Underground and imagine everyone’s heads exploding.
• Ketchup on Our Hands: A reader Adam suggest boycotting Heinz to fight the John Kerry machine. That’s a tough call. Heinz is the ketchup, and I went to college in Pittsburgh where Heinz is one of the last industries there since the steel left. Still, each time we put that blood-like condiment on our burgers, we could be putting money into the hands of Kerry’s wife which might then be taken by John Kerry himself. Is moving to catsup the only option to stop John Kerry and his evil plans of evil? And what about French’s mustard? Will that be taken as implicit support of Kerry?
  Politics is hard. I’m going to stick to eating jellybeans to show my support of Reagan.
  UPDATE: The Heinz company denies involvement with John Kerry.
• Explosions… Again: James Bond foiled a terrorist plot and found tons of explosives in the UK. Stupid terrorists; don’t they have any terror ideas that don’t involve explosions? Like, they could secretly put potholes in our roads at night.
  “You will continue to see potholes infidels, unless you surrender to Islam and throw all your Jews into the sea… except for that Seinfeld guy; he makes us laugh.”
• Testify!: Senators are still demanding for Condoleezza Rice to openly testify for the 9/11 hearings. I bet this is all strategery on her part to hype her testimony for when she finally gives in. Then her testimony will be so testacular that it will blow everyone away. And Richard Clarke will commit seppuku in disgrace while everyone turns against the Clinton administration and lynches them all.
  Or, at least, that’s my political prediction. Everyone has their own.
  UPDATE: My prediciton is coming true so far…
• You Got Me I: A lot of you e-mailed me about Clinton’s ninja plan for terrorism, and, okay, you got me. I was a foreign policy advisor for the Clinton administration. You happy now? None of my ideas were ever used though, not even the preemptive strike against monkeys.
• The Loser Club: At Jonah “Lame-o” Goldberg’s Fan Club, Eric is taunting me because he thinks he can win Derbyshire’s support with a silly t-shirt. Bah! I’m now linked at Derbyshire’s homepage. Not even Jonah can say that. He’s going down!
• Logo Idea: For my fans (the smarter, cooler, more attractive fans) to discuss, I was thinking of making this the logo of IMAO:
  
  What do y’all think?
• You Got Me II: Fine. You got me again. I have a secret lab in Japan. And no, I won’t tell you what goes on there.
• Bushido: A man in the U.K. was sentenced to prison for stabbing an armed attacker to death with a samurai sword (what the story leaves out is that the guy with the sword is a drug dealer and stabbed the man in the back). Sometimes I almost wish guns were banned just so I would have to rely on a katana as defense. Right now, it just ain’t practical for me when I have the shotgun and handguns in easy reach. Such is modern life.
• Monkey News I: The Commie Chinese not only have a monkey king, but he is going to sully the national pastime of baseball. War!
• Monkey News II: Solution to monkey problem: don’t insulate your electrical wires. Then, as they jump from tree to tree, God will take care of them. God’s cool.
• Victory Is Mine!: Instapundit now correctly links to IMAO again. That reminds me: I haven’t been doing much with The Alliance as of late. I still plan on turning them into a giant media conglomerate to rival all others, but I’ll need to delegate more.
• More Coming: Big posting tomorrow as I’ll have a new In My World™ plus the new The Limey letter and response (as long as I get it all done before the return of 24 tonight). Also, I’ll have a few more posts today when I have time. Later, mo’fo’s.

• Protection on the Slopes: So Kerry was skiing in Idaho (Idaho! I don’t care how much he skis; he ain’t winning that state), and then fall downs when he runs into a Secret Service agent. Then he exclaims, “I don’t fall down!” and uses and expletive to describe the Secret Service Agent. Makes him seem a wee bit haughty. And why is the Secret Service skiing with him anyway? Why can’t they just post snipers to watch Kerry? Then, if a Secret Service agent caused Kerry to crash, Kerry would have a better excuse.
  “I don’t fall; that son of a bitch shot me!”
  And then you’d hear up in the trees, “My bad.”
• He Did What?: Did you know that Kerry served in Vietnam?
• Permission Slips: So the Israelis kill Yassin, and some are pointing their fingers at the U.S. saying we gave the go ahead. Hey, we like the idea of other countries asking us before they do anything, but, since Israel has survived amidst people who want them dead for so long, we trust that they know what they’re doing. Kill who you want.
• So Let Me Guess – You Want to Kill Jews: So the Palestinians are like, “Kill joooos! Kill joooos!”
  And then the Israelis kill Yassin and the Palestinians are like, “Kill joooos! Kill joooos!”
  And the news services report, “Hamas Vows to Kill Jews”.
  And it’s like, what’s changed? The Palestinians have been trying their hardest to kill Jews already, that they can’t really up the ante. I mean, the Israelis could kidnap Arafat, take him to the beach, and push him into the sea, and all the Palestinians could do is shake their tiny fists in impotent rage while shouting, “Kill joooos!”
  The only one who can realistically threaten more violence is Israel, and, if that happens, there is going to be a major virgin shortage in paradise.
• Bail!: I heard when Yassin got hit, his brain shot right out his skull. I hope my own brain is smart enough to try and save itself like that when the time comes.
• For Sale: One used wheelchair, slightly singed.
• What a Dick: So this Dick Clarke character is claiming the Bush administration has bungled the War on Terror and that Condi is some retard who never heard of al Qaeda and…
  Know what, I think I’ll save that for tomorrow’s In My World™.
• Happy Killers: Anti-depressants are a suicide risk? How does that work? Are you like really happy during plunge from the bridge?
• New Movie Trend: So The Passion of the Christ finally lost its top spot to Dawn of the Dead. I guess the popular movies now are ones where people come back to life. I think Dawn of the Dead has a different take on it, though.
• Monkey News I: A gorilla (scientific name gorilla gorilla) escaped from the zoo and hurt people. That’s scary! But there is a happy ending. The police shot the gorilla. Yay!
• Monkeys News II: I’ve always said humanity will end one of two ways: robots take over (ala Terminator) or monkeys take over (ala Planet of the Apes). Well, some fool scientist is trying to combine the two. Here is what you will now be seeing in your nightmares. I think this is enough cause to put a halt to all science until we further investigate that no one is causing the destruction of humanity.
• I Like It When People Talk About Why I’m Funny: Harvey (not the imaginary rabbit but the one who won the contest that never happened and shall not be mentioned again) analyzes one of my pieces to see why it is funny. I don’t agree with all the analysis, but that’s exactly the sort of serious piece I would like to do if I had more time. I don’t think you can actually get funnier by analyzing humor, but I just find it fun. Plus, I took a college class on the subject, so I’m super knowledgeable. Well, maybe later I’ll have some more Why Me Laugh™ pieces so we can all be scientifical.
• Bitch Bitch Bitch: Man, I’m trying to keep up the funny here while at same time trying to write two different novels. If I add in stealing Jonah Goldberg’s job on top of my regular job, I’m really stretching myself thin. I hope you all appreciate this. Oh! And buy my t-shirts!

• LET’S DESTROY OUR COUNTRY: So, in response to the elections, the Spaniards elect Socialists? This is why, before now, I have never followed politics outside the States. No one here could run as a Socialist and have a chance of winning. Electing Socialist to run your country is just like shooting yourself in the head.
  No, no… actually, it’s more like shooting yourself in stomach.
• THE TERROISTS HAVE WON… DEATH!: So now I’m concerned that the terrorists will take the political shift in Spain as a victory, leading to more terror, but then I remember, whether they think they won or not, we’re still going to kill them. And then I’m happy.
• HERE TO STAY: Now the Spanish Socialists are planning on withdrawing troops from Spain. You’ve always heard of refuseniks (here’s one jerk), but what if the Spaniards refuse to leave and stay to kill terrorists? Then what are they? Killniks?
• FAVORITE OF COMMIES AND PINKOS: John Kerry claims that there are foreign leaders who support him, but won’t say who. One we know of is Kim Jong Il, as they play anti-Bush John Kerry speeches in North Korea. Another is the incoming Socialist to Spain. Other than that, it looks like he’s just doing Gore-esque boasts. Even Chirac won’t support him, as the French hate all Americans, even the haughty, French-looking ones, who – by the way – served in Vietnam.
• THEN ONLY NINJAS WILL HAVE SWORDS: Bad news for our Aussie friends: they’re banning swords. Soon they’ll all be dying from ninja attacks with nothing they can do to save themselves. I’m just glad I live in America where I can legally carry a sword with me wherever I go… as long as I can find a way of concealing it. And just wearing a trench coat like in Highlander doesn’t actually work. You could try shoving it down the front of your pants, but most people probably won’t buy that.
• I’M INFLUENTIAL: There is a list of the most influential bloggers and reporters, and Reynolds, who is number one, is skeptical. To help with that skepticism, I’m number 19. Take that, Jodi Wilgoren of the New York Times.
• SLACKER GENIUSES: I am ashamed to have graduated from CMU, who have failed DARPA and our country by completing only 5% of the course with their robot Humvee. What? Did they assign the “special” engineers to design the automated vehicle? I say, if a student can’t make a Humvee that drives itself, he should be expelled. Now our poor troops have to drive themselves like normal. Sorry guys; you deserve better.
• MONKEY NEWS: Six monkeys were found in a man’s apartment in New York. Ends up he meant them to be there, but, if you move into a new apartment and find it overrun with monkeys, don’t be afraid to bring that up with the super.
• POKING TIGERS WITH A SHARP STICK: There is a plan for a Fort Wayne.com in Indiana to publish the names of all concealed weapons permit holders for all sorts of fruity reasons they came up with. Publicola is all over this, and wants to retaliate by publishing as much information as he can about the people from Fort Wayne. Don’t those people know that to single out gun owners makes them angry, and, well, they have guns? I say give the angry gun owners the addresses of those pestering them and then see who also becomes gun owners.
  BTW, there is now an Angry Gun Owner Association site based on my previous idea.
• MARTYRS: A reader Rob sent in this joke:

Two Arab mothers are sitting in the Gaza strip chatting over a pint of goat’s milk. The oldest mother pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing.
“This is my oldest son Mohammed. He’s 24 year old”, says mum.
“Yes, I remember him as a baby” says the other mother gleefully.
“He’s a martyr now though” mum confides.
“Oh dear?” says the other
“And this is my second son Kalid. He’s 21”
“Oh, I remember him,” says the other happily, “he had such curly hair when he was born”.
“He’s a martyr too ” says mum quietly.
“Oh gracious me ….” says the other.
“…and this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Achmed. He’s 18”, she whispers.
“Yes” says the friend enthusiastically, “I remember when he first started school”.
“He’s a martyr also,” says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, “Its amazing, they blow up so fast, don’t they?”

It’s funny ’cause it’s true.

• I got a busy week, so I’m not going to be able to spoil you like last week with all my regular posting plus The Limey. I know, you don’t care. You’re saying, “You’re our clown here to amuse us. Now dance for us! Dance! Ha ha ha!” Well, as John F’n Kerry would say, I served in Vietnam.
• There are some suggestions that Hillary Clinton could be John Kerry’s running mate. That would be historical for a number of reasons if Kerry gets elected. First, she’d be the first ever female vice president and second Kerry would then break the record set by William Henry Harrison for shortest term in office by “mysteriously” dying within an hour of being inaugurated.
• There are also some people reading the Constitution and disputing what the meaning of “is” is and saying that Bill Clinton could run for Vice President. This would seem to serve no purpose, though, than to make me go on a murder spree. Why do people want me to go on a murder spree?
• I never had much of an opinion on this whole Martha Stewart case, but it seems to me she had a bum rap. What was she convicted for? Lying to federal officials? Who doesn’t do that? Once, I said to a cop, “Nice day, officer.”
  Total BS. The day was crummy.
  So what? You going to put me in prison now? Still, Martha Stewart in prison could be cool for some. They’d register their car and get their license plates and remarked, “Wow, someone really put some work into this one. They did so much with just indented print and a little paint. It’s a good thing.”
  I wonder how much you could get for an authentic Martha Stewart license plate on Ebay? Can you sell license plates on Ebay? Ahh, screw Ebay; they won’t even let you sell guns.
• Iraq now has a constitution. All they need now is strength, dexterity, intelligence, wisdom, and charisma and they’ll be ready to go.
• Did I just make a Dungeon & Dragons role playing joke? Bad geek Frank! I stab you and you die now!
• I had mentioned the idea of a wallet gun before, and even people in my college gun club thought that was dumb. Still, in the latest issue of Gun Tests magazine they gave a good review to a $345 Kel-Tec P3AT .380 (made just north of me in Cocoa, Florida) that fits in your back pocket. They also recommend a $35 pocket holster for it that gives it the profile of a wallet. Then, if someone asks for your money, you can go like your reaching for you wallet, but instead pull out your .380 and shoot the guy – which works great if you’re being mugged but not so good if your supposed to be paying for a Slurpee. The only problem with that is where would I put my actual wallet? Oh! I could buy one of those fanny pack holsters and put it in there along with another gun. Now all I’ll need is to get a second .45 to replace my PPK and I’ll be set. I’ll have my primary gun, my secondary (sinister) gun (the second .45), a backup gun (maybe a .38 special that goes in the fanny pack), and a surprise gun for when a gun is already on me (the wallet gun). That would be so cool! Now all I need to do is move to a place with more crime. I hear Cocoa is pretty bad.
• I have a confession to make: I like Chunky Monkey ice cream. Yes, I like an ice cream with “monkey” in the title that is made by Vermont hippies. It’s just it’s such creamy, yummy banana ice cream with big chunks of chocolate and walnut. I guess the only compensation is that Ben & Jerry’s ice cream is too expensive for poor people to buy, who’ll have to settle with the supermarket brand ice cream like starving people in Ethiopia. Anyway, I hope you all still respect me as a blogger; I just had to get that off my chest.
• Finally, and most importantly, I’d like to say that the blogosphere is more that just news commentary, made up stories about an angry dog, and telling completely true lies about the blending of puppies; I like to think we’re a community too. Right now, one of us needs help. Serenity had broken her ankle and needs surgery. She has a lot of bills, and she won’t be able to have any income for two months as she recovers. She has some veteran benefits, but that won’t cover everything. Serenity was instrumental in getting Front Line Voices up and keeping it running, putting a lot of time into that, and she means a lot to me at least. If you have anything to spare, please go to Serenity’s site and give her a little help during her down time. It’s the American way to help out each other (and I consider all my readers American… even the Canadians). In the least, go wish her well.
  Oh, and if you’re Whitler, finish your damn essay because it would make her happy.

• It’s Super Tuesday! Isn’t that super!
  Ah… who am I kidding; politics is boring right now. When is Bush going to release the attack dogs? I want to see Kerry’s blue blood splattered over the pavement.
  Oh, and they should attack him verbally too.
• So the evil Commie Stalin still seeks revenge against us with his monster crabs. What I don’t get is why they just don’t infest the water with some giant, mutant sharks. It would take care of the crabs, and there is no known down side I can think of.
• I was asked why don’t also print fan mail instead of just hate mail. It’s because no one has ever expressed even the vaguest notion of liking my site whatsoever. Sad but true.
• So what did everyone think of my interview? I have a few ideas of people to rope in next. Maybe I’ll be known as “Frank J. – Asking the Questions Others Are Too Smart to Ask”. To help me get good guests to interview, if anyone asks, tell him or her I’m very respectable.
• In celebration of Lord of the Rings finally winning the Oscar (plus my finally finishing reading the trilogy), there will be a very special In My World™ tomorrow.
  I personally think Lord of the Rings was the most deserving film to win best picture in Oscar history. The award always goes to some talky picture, and that’s crap. You can have great acting and a great story in a play, but these are movies. The best picture should use all of the medium available to it, and thus story and acting are only parts of a best picture. It needs cool action, special effects, and sound effects. Lord of the Rings not only had the story and acting, it had the action and cool stuff too… the stuff you go to movies to see.
  It’s my firm conviction that, whatever year it happened to come out in, Die Hard should have won best picture. Anyone who says otherwise just doesn’t understand movies.
• BTW, what do you think the Blogfather’s comment means? I think I’ll have to get an interview with him eventually to find out.
• One last thing: where’s a good place on the internet to buy DVD’s cheap? I want to start collecting the Zatoichi series (more of which are being released on DVD soon, plus the new movie will be hitting theaters this year). Them little throwing disks can be expensive.

• I’m tired of the Democrat primary again. Just pick your joker and get it on… and make it Kerry. It was unfair to float Dean out there as a target and then pull him away, and now I’m all excited to see the piranhas have a go at Lurch. As for the pretty-boy trial lawyer, why don’t he aim for something smaller like a guest spot on The Practice.
• Do you hear how Kerry wants to debate Bush about Vietnam because Kerry says that Bush is the one who has been bringing it up for political gain? Little tip, Kerry: the Botox injections go in the muscles of the face, not directly into the brain.
• Nader is such a joke, but I hope a good number of idiot hippies take him seriously to help tip the odds in Bush’s favor. I just can’t get past the way he says “corporations”. He very slowly and meticulously enunciates it (kor-por-ay-shuns), and keeps acting like there is nothing worse in the world and that he can’t understand that some people may actually like corporations.
  Anyway, he’ll never make it anywhere unless he gets some corporate money.
• So what’s happening with the Iraq democracy? Details like that aren’t as interesting as war, so I haven’t been paying much attention. To help, we could donate some Democrats to the Iraqis for them to either vote for, get advice from, or bury in pits. Whatever they want.
• Mel Gibson’s move about Jesus is coming out this Wednesday. I plan on seeing it, and it’s already got me thinking about theological issues. One is was Jesus technically Jewish or Christian? To be Christian, you have to worship Christ, and that just sounds way too narcissistic for Jesus.
• Speaking of learning from movies, I found out from The Last Castle that flying your flag upside down means you are in distress. That means Japan could be in distress right now and no one would ever know!
• Anyone see King of the Hill Sunday? It was all about Hank taking his son on a camping trip to teach him self-reliance, but then the campsite gets invaded by hippies. He eventually gets rid of the hippies by cutting off park services then telling them how they’ll still be able to continue camping, but it will take some “hard work”. Next scene, all the hippies are fleeing, and one calls Hank the epithet “Rumsfeld”.
  It’s nice to know there are some shows out there with good values.
• Education Secretary Rod Paige called the National Education Association a terrorist organization. The NEA says they were only bluffing about killing America’s children unless their union demands are met.
• So Al Qaeda is now speaking out against France because of their scarf ban. This has caused France to immediately join in the desperate search for Osama so that they may surrender to him.
• Bush met with the governors Monday. Man, I wish I were a governor. Then, if anyone wasn’t treating me with respect, I could say, “Don’t you know who I am? I know Arnold Schwarzenegger!”
• In monkey news, there was a census of aggressive monkeys in northern India to see how humans and simians can live together. I think the solution is a little thing called “shotguns”.
• Voting in the Win Frank J.’s Funny will go on until noon today (ET). I’ll then announce the winner (and losers) tomorrow morning. I did take a glance at the poll results so far, and apparently not everyone has voted for mine. Remember, you’re supposed to pick the funniest list. That’s funniest.

• More primaries today. If you’re a Democrat, go and vote. If you’re a Republican, go and beat up a Democrat in practice for the general election. Also, maybe we could work on some more confusing ballots to replace the butterfly one. I’m thinking it should involve some sort of word puzzle.
• Zeke came riding into camp, a look of terror on his face. “Get out of here!” he shouted, “It’s a stampede!”
  “Dammit!” Richards yelled as he ran for his horse. “I knew Clemens couldn’t keep control of them.”
  “Well, there ain’t no stopping them now,” Zeke said, “When you have a Muslim stampede, the only thing to do is get out of the way. They even crushed ole Yellar, Clemens best Muslim herding dog.”
  Soon they saw the fearsome sight of thousands of men in white robes and women covered head to toe who were charging forward while ululating, running over everything in their path as if fleeing from the devil himself. Everyone not looking for a martyrship ran for cover.
• Okay, maybe with the number of people killed, it’s not proper to make fun. Also, though it’s easy to point out how stupid a culture is that has deadly stampedes every year, I hardly seem in a position to throw stones when, in this country, we have people doing dumb things like rioting after a Super Bowl win. Then again, at least when I throw stones I don’t stampede.
• Instapundit finally got Blog Ads, just as I reccommended to him. I’ll wait here patiently for my ten percent commission.
  Since he’s asking $800 a month for an ad, maybe he shouldn’t take my advice and spend it all on beer.
• I love the Justin Timberlake explanation of the Super Bowl halftime fiasco: it was a “wardrobe malfunction.” I’ll have to remember that one.
  “Were you watching strippers?”
  “Honest, honey, they weren’t strippers! They just had a wardrobe malfunction!”
• I’m the seven of hearts on the deck of cards of most dangerous right wing bloggers. Misha sure beat me out, though, making the ace of clubs. Then again, seven is the holy number, and many do say I’m god-like.
• Have you seen the Alabama quarter? They have Helen Keller on it, i.e., the best person they could think of to represent Alabama is someone who is deaf, dumb, and blind (BTW, what time period is Helen Keller from? I mean, is she dead now, and, if so, how would she know?).
  So far, I think the most representative quarter is the New Jersey quarter. It has the image of George Washington crossing the Delaware. Take it from someone who lived in New Jersey for nine years: there is no more apropos an image for Jersey than a bunch of people leaving it.
• Man, there was supposed to be a real special guest talking to my writers group yesterday but we got stood up. Well, next week will be the group critiquing of my novel, and it will be good to get some opinions from people who aren’t fans of my website. Maybe afterwards, I’ll put up some of the novel for whoever is interested to see it again (it’s been changed a bit from last time).
  Anyway, here’s a neat blog from someone working for Tor with a post on rejection letters. I’ve yet to get one yet, but I’m already planning my hissy fit.
• Well, I’m tired and got no more time for blogging. BTW, if you were sending ricin to Senator Frist, please stop it. Thank you.

• Man, I’m getting tired with all this, ya know, political news. Why can’t the Democrats just nominate some jerk-off and get it over with; I want to know who to focus my energies on. I still hope Dean can pull through; I’d really like it if the election is a landslide for Bush. Then it would be funny if, after he is reelected, to just piss of the wacky left he comes out and says, “Everyone is right – I am Hitler! And there is nothing you can do about it! Muh ha ha ha!”
• If, God forbid, Bush isn’t reelected, then what happens to In My World™? I’m scared.
• Amazon.com allows you to donate to candidates now, both ones with a chance and wacky fringe candidates. They list them all, though not all of them have signed up (you can’t donate to Bush through Amazon; they just refer you to Bush’s website). I wonder if I can get on there? I’m planning a presidential run for 2016, and it’s never too early to start on getting the donations.
  Man, I just hope all terrorists aren’t dead by then; then the presidency would be boring. Oh, and no one better bomb France until I get into power; they’re mine.
• I don’t control search engine rankings, but that doesn’t keep people from getting angry at me. Usually, if I’m looking something up and find a website that doesn’t have the information I need, I just move on. But, apparently some people like to stop and further waste their time by complaining. A great example is this post of mine which it seems a lot of people trying to research types of governments runs into. Look at all the complaining dinguses.
  I especially like the people who write in the comment section what information they were looking for, like someone is going to magically accommodate them. Man, computers have gotten too easy to use. I liked it back in the good ole days when the average man feared computers like the early caveman feared the cuisinart.
• Dennis Miller is getting a show on CNBC. I like his politics, and am learned enough to understand about half his jokes, but I question the idea to have a monkey on his show, running around to keep his guests on their toes. If I were his guest, though, he’d soon hear, “Hey, Dennis, your monkey is dead.”
  “What! How did he die?”
  “Natural causes… ME!”
• Sorry, I only had like ten minutes to write something today. Maybe I’ll have more at lunchtime. Either way, something longer for tomorrow. Peace, yo.

• So John Kerry won the Iowa Caca… but I want Dean! He has so much more humor potential (who wants more Howie and Skeeter?) and was supposed to have a lock on the nomination. Well, it’s not over yet; everyone get out there and support angry man Dean. Plus, if he doesn’t win the nom, he could hurt someone. Did you see his “concession” speech (a.k.a. “Look how quickly I came name all fifty states and then squeal”)? He totally like freaked out, dude. I hope his back is okay.
  UPDATE: The video of Howard Dean freaking out is here. Can someone get me a .wav file of just that squeal at the end?
• As for Bush’s State of the Union address tonight, I think a lot of my previous advice still applies. What I also think he should do is threaten the Democrats who are planning on challenging him by saying, “And I will beat anyone who opposes me just like I beat Saddam.” Then he should have Saddam appear on stage so he could savagely beat him to a standing ovation since. This will be good for him because people will think beating up Saddam is cool, and it will associate the Democrats with Saddam whom everyone hates (or at least I do; I have to stop thinking everyone shares the same opinion as me. Some people are too dumb to think like me).
• I got an e-mail from Democrats.com that they are going to start to try and impeach Bush. There logic being that the deaths in Iraq has now passed 500, and that is a nice round number so Bush should be impeached. What a bunch of dinguses. I think we should start a movement to impeach all Democrats because I hate them. Also supporting the articles of impeachment could be the fact that they smell.
• So many people seem to hate the Patriot Act. I keep hearing how it’s a shredding of our rights, but, since the Senate vote was 98-1, at least it’s a bipartisan shredding. But the only thing I’ve been convinced is Orwellian about the Patriot Act is its name; come on, you could name anything the Patriot Act. I bet there would be less controversy if it was just named something apt like the “Let’s be Mean to Terrorists” Act, “Reactionary Increase of Surveillance” Act, or “Man, Are Some People Going to Whine About This” Act.
• A number of readers (well, two) sent me this information: Singapore is urging its citizens to act like monkeys! The vast monkey influence spreads. I knew it wouldn’t stop at simple monkey tolerance; they won’t rest until we are all like them… or dead. Well, here’s one man who won’t act like a monkey. Everyone help me make a stand and boycott Chiquita.
• Well, I’s busy so that’s it for now. I will have an In My World™ for tomorrow, though. Any requests?
• BTW, the Emperor has an important public service announcement.

• Because of a tight schedule, my main posting is now going to be on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from now on. On Tuesday and Thursday, you get what I can hack out real quick. Today it’s some Bite-Size Wisdom™ and maybe some Frank Answers™ if I have time at lunch.
• Maureen Dowd is never going to get fired because everyone wants to read her columns. When she came back from her hiatus, it was the talk of the blogosphere. Did you read it? It was like a stream of thought essay by a schizophrenic. You could not write something that bad if you tried, and that’s why her articles are entertaining in their own way. She’s like the Ed Wood of columnists.
• As Opinion Journal pointed out, this poll shows that the average Republican knows more about the Democrat presidential nominees than the average Democrat, even though there ain’t a way in God’s name we’d ever vote for them. And I remember seeing some article arguing that we’re the party of the dumb. It’s a fact that, if someone closely follows politics, odds are he or she is a Republican. Draw your own logical conclusion from that.
• I had this nightmare the other night where I was stuck in a building and there were terrorists with hostages on the floor below me. So, I grabbed some clips for my .45 and then tried to find my gun among my dad’s gun collection, but all I could locate were 9mm’s. And, though they had higher capacity, there was no way I was going to face terrorists with a 9mm. So I kept looking, but, when I found my .45, it was broken. Any psychologists out there know what that dream may mean?
• In monkey news… monkeys are eating your children! Grab your shotguns and kill them now! NOW! If we were really serious, we’d make eliminating monkeys part of our war on terror.
• That’s all you get for now. See you later.
• One more thing: how come no one pointed out that the date I had on my previous post, May 3, 2004 (now corrected) didn’t make any sense? I only found out when it was reprinted (with permission, I might add) on Right Wing News. Come on, people; be more observant!