• I need to get back in the groove before I do another In My World™, so maybe Wednesday. So here is some crap I came up with until then.
• Did they just have another Democrat debate? I don’t even think the pundits are watching these anymore. The only interest in them is whether any will be able to topple Howard Dean. Well, I hope Dean makes for an entertaining election year. Republicans are predicting it will be a huge landslide, while Democrats are saying he’s going to lose by a much smaller margin than we all think. Only time will tell who is right.
• So the European Mars probe failed while our Mars probe kicks ass. This once again proves that space is only for Americans and everyone else should stay out of it.
• I saw Return of the King over the holiday. My only question was did they rewind the king first?
• With the rise in popularity of DVD’s, how long until no one would get that joke?
• To those who said to the previous bullet point, “It doesn’t matter because it wasn’t funny in the first place,” screw you!
• Over the holiday, I went bobsledding where they had the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. Here is me putting on my helmet:
  
  Don’t I look like a Jamaican!
  Here is me getting ready for take off. I’m the one right behind the pilot:
  
  It was a lot like a roller coaster, except I had to be careful not to bump the guy in front of me or we could all die. I have to say, I’m used to experiencing 1G and it never seemed like much, but once you get to 2G’s and 3G’s and more, you really start to notice it.
• I guess my home phone number used to be the number of a diabetic medical supplier, because I keep getting all these calls for testing strips. I’ve even added to my answering machine message: “This is a residence, not a diabetic supplier.” Still, every once in a while I get a message from some old person asking, “Are you closed right now? Please call me back at…” Old people: stop being so old!
• Part of my New Year’s resolutions is to become a superhuman, achieving perfection in both mind and body. I also still plan to be rich and famous by the end of this year. The world needs to hear my opinions, and that’s why it is my right – no my duty – to be rich and famous.
• Also, I resolve that my posts this year will be so funny that you will look at my posts from previous years and exclaim, “My God! What utter crap! I can’t believe I actually used to like this stuff!”
• This post is excluded from that resolution.
• Everyone get their shirts? I haven’t gotten mine yet because I was gone. How are they?
• Look at this hate mail I got from a Danny Robison:

Subject: you are the biggest damn loser
go to hell

Man, there is like nothing to work with there. It’s like my hate-mailers keep getting dumber. Soon I’ll be lucky if I get anything resembling a coherent sentence.

Subject: no like site
Grerawerr!

• So, I know what you are all asking: what’s happening in monkey news? Well, the news is… IT’S NOW THE YEAR OF THE MONKEY!!!!
  AHHH!
  AHHH!
  AHHH!
  Stupid Chinese.
• I keep getting requests for a search function on my site. Why doesn’t everyone just use Google with “IMAO” as a search term (or “site:www.imao.us” to be more exact)? That’s what I do. I guess I could add one anyway, but Google, yo.
• I need to have a serious discussion with all of you about the future of this blog and… bah, I’ll have it later. I’m tired. Hope you all had a great holiday!
• One more thing: AHHH!

• Al Gore Endorses Howard Dean; Women, Minorities, Joe Liberman Hit Hardest
• Al Gore is going to endorse Howard Dean. “According to the analysis of my sensors, Howard Dean is the best candidate,” Gore-Bot said. He then added, “Destroy! Destroy!” while flailing his arms widely.
• North Korea says they’ll put a freeze on its nuclear weapons program if we take them off the list of terrorist supporting nation and provide fuel aid. I say we retain our usual “Do as we say or we’ll kill you” stance.
• Instrument data showed that radiation on Mars in “unlikely” to be fatal to a human. So who wants to test it out? Show of hands?
• You know that song from the South Park movie “Blame Canada”? I was thinking, wouldn’t that would be an interesting idea to employ right after 9/11. We get a terrorist attack, we bomb Canada. It doesn’t matter if they are responsible; if they know they’ll get bombed by us if there is a terrorist attack, then they’ll make it job number one to protect us from terrorism. In the same vein, we could maybe bomb France if our economy has a downturn, making it their interest to make sure we’re always in prosperity. America is a big and important country, so I think it’s a great idea to have other countries handle some of our problems for us. We can call this “Delegation Through Bombing”.
• A poll shows that teenagers are more conservative than their parents. “I’m going to pray in school and not abort my baby, and I don’t care what my parents say,” declares some teenage punk. Teenagers!
• Bio-engineered pets are now on sale (except for California, which usually likes anything freakish). Right now, it’s just neon zebra-fish of which the chance of them overtaking humanity is relatively small, but, if we continue on with this pet-engineering, we’ll soon have elephants the size of dogs, gerbils the size of bears, and dogs the size of other dogs that they normally wouldn’t be the size of. It’s crazy!
• Actually, I’d still rather have a regular ‘ole dog than a dog-size elephant. Actually, I’d have my dog chase the little elephant. “Run, you long-nosed freak! Run as fast as your stubby little legs can carry you! Ha ha ha!”
• In monkey news, monkeys are lobbying to be bioengineered next. They want to be super-intelligent, shoot lasers out their eyes, and be able to stare at someone and cause his head to explode just like a Scanner. They say they’ll only use these powers to be more cute and cuddly, but I don’t trust them!
• BTW, buy my t-shirt. It should be out any day. You need to wear one so people will know you are an IMAO fan and not an Eschaton fan.
• The Secret Service is going to interview Eminem for a song in which he allegedly wishes the president dead. Eminem, please don’t kill the president; kids look up to you.
• I saw The Last Samurai over the weekend (and on a digital projector, too) and it was a great movie. It had lots of authentic samurai action plus a random ninja attack. The only good movie quality it lacked was female frontal nudity. I give it four stars out of five.
• That’s enough wisdom for now. Remember to drink your milk and stay in school.

• It looks like angry liberal Dean has a lock on the Democratic nomination. I was really rooting for Liberman, though. I think he could do better if he had a campaign commercial that said, “Do you hate Middle East terrorist? Then really piss them off and elect a Jooooo!”
• So terrorists ambush us and get 54 of themselves killed. Then is it really accurate to call it an ambush? Isn’t it more of a mass suicide? I wonder if these lemming tactics will continue…
• BTW, number one method of suicide this year is pissing off Americans.
• Maybe next time Bush visits Iraq, he could tip off the terrorists so they could do another “ambush”. Then he could get a great photo-op of him killing one. That would be so cool!
• Native American tribes are now thinking of fielding their own candidates. They’re trying to take this country over! The nerve of them!
• A boy was punished in school for using the word “gay” when referencing his lesbian mother. That’s so gay!
• They are trying to save these catfish in Cambodia that are as large as bears. Shouldn’t there be an exception to our preservation efforts for any animal that might threaten to one day conquer humans?
  There is no reason a catfish should ever be larger than a dinner plate.
• Later today I’ll post a sample of a chapter of a book I’m working on that’s a scientifical analysis of the left. I’ll also try and do some Frank Answers™. See you then.

• We’re hoping to have a new government in Iraq by June 2004, but France is demanding one by the end of the year. First they’re not only no help, but they work against us, and now they’re trying to make demands on how to handle the liberation they didn’t support. I know it’s unprecedented, but the U.S. should just bomb France for being a bunch of douche bags. Just fly over them and drop a couple bombs on them. It’ll shut them up, and probably be an important learning experience for them.
• As I showed earlier, anti-Semitism is completely out of control since it’s now ever targeting Irish Catholics. What is it with those who hate Bush and hate liberating Iraq also hate Jews? I just love the irony of how they’re basically saying, “Bush is turning America into Nazi Germany… and it’s all because of the Joooos!”
• Finish him!
• They sure have a lot of security for Bush for his visit to London. If I were president, I wouldn’t have any security and instead just carry a .44 magnum with a scope. First protestor to get within shouting distance… POW! Those dimwits will scatter like rats. And it’s perfectly legal to kill people while in another country because their laws don’t apply to us.
• Britain has been a great ally, by the way, as have many others. Italy has really shown what their made of by reacting to the cowardly attack against them with even more resolve. Who cares if we don’t have the whiniest nations on board with us; all the most kick ass nations are already helping us out. We should like get together later and take over the world; I think the world would be a lot better for it. We could call ourselves the “Axis of Allies” or maybe just the “Super Friends”.
• Arnold is now officially governor. Expect to find a legislator’s head mysteriously crushed within a week.
• Dean is attacking Gephardt, Dean saying how he, unlike Gephardt, didn’t want the Iraqis liberated and would not support money to help our troops and the poor Iraqis. Why has my opinion of Gephardt suddenly grown?
• In monkey news, Indonesia farmers are having their crops destroyed by monkeys. Quote one farmer, “All my corn plants have been destroyed. I don’t dare do anything. If I throw stones to drive them away, the monkeys throw them back.” Of course, environmentalists are blaming this on illegal loggers as they always do. Sure, blame everyone except for the monkeys.
• That Tom Tomorrow comic about chickenhawks made me be a bit introspective: am I a horrible chickenhawk? When the attack on 9/11 occurred, I thought that some big war was coming, and I informed my boss that, if they made the call for more recruits, I’d have to quit my job and join up. When that never happen, I considered doing the reserves or National Guard, but that takes like weeks of training and sounds hard. What I’d be willing to do, though, is use a week of my own vacation to do some quick training, fly over to the Middle East, and kill some terrorists. I don’t want to be the only person on the block not to kill any.
• Actually, that might make a great tourist outing: terrorist safaris. Pay big bucks, and we help you hunt terrorists. Maybe we could even get Steve Irwin to help out:
  “Those terrorist can be quite wily, and nothing pisses them off like implying that they’re homosexual. Just watch this. Hey! Omar! Who’s that next to you? Your boyfriend? Crikey! He’s trying to kill me now! Isn’t he beautiful?”
• I really like the idea of setting the goal of me being rich and famous by the end of next year. I’m working on a couple things now, such as doing more rewrites on my novel and coming up with a book proposal based on humor from my site, but you people need to help to by coming up with other ideas for how I can achieve fame and money and helping me implement them. What I think could help me is growing the readership numbers on my site to give me more clout, thus I’m thinking of, instead of having a pledge drive, to have a readership drive. I’ll have more details on that as I think it up. I’ll also come up with an official name for the make Frank famous movement, and benefits for charter members for when I actually am rich and famous, such as, at book signings, you can go to the front of the line. Remember, if I get rich and famous enough, I could probably have Ted Rall disappeared. Think about it.

• The Supreme Court is to hear about Gitmo detainees. Some people are worried that innocent people may be being detained at Guantanamo, but have you ever heard of innocent people hanging out with terrorists in Cuba?
• General Abizaid, are own Mad Arab, warns that attacks must stop in Iraq or he will kick everyone’s asses. He was like, “You think you can fk with America? Do you know who the fk we are? We can inflict so much pain and suffering on you, that you will let out a sigh of relief when you finally die and go to hell. I’m General Abizaid! You will pray to your god for death, and he will not answer!” Actually, I don’t know what he said, but I bet that’s what Patton would say (except for that part where he calls himself “General Abizaid”). I miss Patton.
• There is no evidence Iran is making nukes. Good. Less to worry about when we invade them.
• Seen the new video of Gore Gone Wild? He’s claiming that Bush used 9/11 as a pretext to consolidate power and then threw a bunch of red meat (or is the better expression “white tofu”?) to MoveOn.org muckadoos. What a whiner. I’m glad we stole the election.
• The U.N. wants to take our internet. The internet is owned by America! Americans created it, and an American invented it (Al Gore), so it is ours. Other countries should feel lucky that we let them use our world wide information network. I say as punishment the term “United Nations” should be forever banned from the internet. So let it be written, so let it be done.
• Fed Ex found body parts in a package and alerted the police. Lessons learned: if you’re going to chop someone up and ship him, don’t do it through Fed Ex because they’re a bunch of dirty squealers. Instead, use UPS; they bruise and batter your package so bad, that, if the police get their hands on it, they won’t even be able to identify the body inside by its dental records.
• 26 Democrats want Rumsfeld fired. Rumsfeld wants 26 Democrats strangled. More news as it develops.
• BTW, Rumsfeld was on Fox and Friends this morning. Anyone catch it? Was he just like I envisioned?
• Democrat booster Larry Flynt plans to publish topless photos of Jessica Lynch. The guy has to wheel by a flight of stairs every so often, and just one little push… not that I’m suggesting anything!
• So, now you’re wondering what’s happening in monkey news. Well, Canada is going to infect some with SARS. What if the monkeys combine it, though, with their dreaded monkey pox? They’d have a supervirus fit for wiping out humanity! If Canada causes the planet of the apes, we are so going to beat those canucks up.
• Today is Veteran’s day, and I want to say thanks to all the Veteran’s out there and take time to remember those who’ve died fighting for this country, something especially relevant now. I also want to wish a happy birthday to my older brother, Joe foo’ the Marine. Veterans, you kick ass.

• When people see monkeys rampaging in India, they think of Frank.
  Numerous alert readers have sent me a story about how monkeys have overrun New Delhi. India is a newly burgeoning democracy, but you can’t be a prosperous nation and be overrun with monkeys. As proof, take a look at the good ‘ole USA, the most prosperous nation there is and ever will be; are we overrun with monkeys? No. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.
  Of course, it took work to clear out North America of its monkey menace. This was illustrated by the tall tales of Johnny Monkeykill who roamed the plains of America killing monkeys left and right. In reality, though, it was an opium-fueled posse that did the simicide, painting our pristine landscape with monkey blood.
  Anyway, back to India, monkeys definitely our the main barrier separating the country from prosperity. In the monkeys’ cold black hearts there is nothing but monkey evil and a desire to menace and destroy. Thus it was a good step that their Supreme Court declared that New Delhi must be monkey-free. This will anger Hanuman, the monkey god, though, who must also be eliminated. Now, I don’t know a damn thing about killing gods, but, anytime I’m not sure how to kill something, such as a zombie or an alien, first thing I do is try my shotgun. Hardly anything can stand up to buckshot fired at close-range.
  Good luck, India, and good hunt’n.
• My senator, Bob Graham, will not run for reelection. This is good because he is a Democrat and I don’t like them. It’s time for Florida to have a Republican senator to combat that other senator… uh… what’s his name… Florida does have a second senator, right? Yeah, all states have two senators – even Wisconsin. Anyway, my point is I want my new senator to be a Republican unlike the other senator who I’m pretty sure is not.
• There are a number of abandoned websites out there. I’m serious! It’s good we have CNN to tell us things like this.
• Here’s another great CNN headline that’s a real shocker.
• Tonight, the Democrat presidential candidates will get to debate before our youngest and dumbest voters. Does anyone care about the Democrat’s primary anymore? Just end the farce and pick some doofus already. It was funny watching the Democrats implode for a while, but now it’s just getting sad.
• I hate Bill Clinton. It wasn’t as much his political views (he was pretty much a moderate) as that he was just a complete scumbag, a disgrace to the office of the President. Still, despite my strong feelings against him, there were times I didn’t see him as Bill Clinton, lecherous, bloated hillbilly, and instead saw him as the President of the fking United States of America, and that’s when he was attacked by other countries as a way of attacking America and when we had military operations going on. I can’t remember Somalia too well, but I know with Bosnia conservatives like me only wished the best our troops and didn’t see any tragedy (such as when some troops were captured) as a partisan political opportunity. Whatever disagreements with the leader, this was still our country and our people out there fighting.
  But now there are people that, when hearing about a tragedy in Iraq, there first reaction is not horror but delight at an opportunity to attack the president. They cry crocodile tears for our soldiers (these are some of the same people who chase ROTC off of college campuses) so they can attack a president they hate for whatever wacky reasons they have. I pointed out one example, but we hear plenty of others coming from a significant minority. Now I don’t brandy this word about lightly, but this has gone from political discourse to just being plain evil – a very mild but growing evil that show a real disconnect from one’s fellow man.
  There are our men and women fighting and dying out there. They are fighting for us and they are fighting for a people yearning to live free from tyranny. And I just can’t understand how the phrase “We are losing a soldier a day,” can be followed by anything other than, “so let’s get those fking bastards.”
  That wasn’t funny, but I’m pissed and sometimes I need to vent. I’ll be more funny tomorrow.

• I’m going to have to forgo doing anything other than my regular post each day (no Links of the Day™ and Frank Answers™) for now as I am really busy, both at work and with other activities at home such as working on my novel. Lars Walker, another author who has had Wolf Time, The Year of the Warrior, and the Blood and Judgment which comes out in December all published by Baen, has been nice enough to give me some more advice. Baen seems to be full of great authors who read IMAO.
• Look at this mindless hating of my rational hating of mindless Bush hatred. Everyone go over there and tell him he’s a muckadoo. Yeah, that’s right; you mess with me you get called some made up term.
• Demi-crats debated again over the weekend. I’d make a joke about it, but I don’t even think the hardcore Demi-crats even care about these anymore.
• So the terrorists attacked the Red Cross on their own frick’n holy month. For those of you who are behind the curve, these people are evil. EEEEEEEvil. It would be morally wrong of us not do everything we can to splatter these bastards despite the whining of the hippies. Do you want to have to explain why the terrorists aren’t dead to your children?
  “Daddy, why aren’t the bad people dead”
  “Because of Demi-crats and Europeans.”
• So, if a suicide bomber is rushing in on a truck, what would Jesus do? I think he’d jump on the hood while firing through the windshield with his .44 magnum.
• Sorry, that was “What would Dirty Harry do?”. Jesus would probably have some solution where no one gets killed, but everyone has his or her own style.
• A bunch of liberals have made a Reagan movie and we’re supposed to believe it’s not a hatchet job? I wonder if when they do a Clinton movie are they going to whitewash everything or will the movie only be sold in adult video stores.
• Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are going to try and solve Middle East problems. That’s almost as silly as sending Carter over to solve things. Anyway, so many people over there already seem to be inspired by the movie Fight Club.
• Bill Clinton claimed Tony Blair discussed his health problems with him years ago, but Mr. Blair’s spokesman insisted that his irregular heartbeat had never happened before. What!? Bill Clinton said something that’s not true? My whole world has gone topsy-turvy.
• An influential Lebanese politician says he wished Paul Wolfowitz had been killed in the Baghdad rocket attack. We should kill that bastard. Sure, there is freedom of speech… in America, but everyone else should watch his or her self. We treasure our Wolfowitzes in this country, and don’t like them attacked.
• John Hawkins has a list of most influential books as picked by right-of-center bloggers. I’ve been more influenced by T.V., movies, and that know it all kid on the playground, so I only had four choices, three of which made the cut. Can you guess which ones?
  Ayn Rand did well. I guess the people voting for her wouldn’t have like that South Park episode about the Chicken-F**ker. Anyone know what I’m talking about? Anyone? Ah… screw you guys.
• BTW, if I do become a famous novelist, I will no longer talk to you little people. Sorry.

• What’s this about a DoS attack against Hosting Matters? The Puppy Blender has finally changed the false quote about me to one claiming he was attacked by al Qaeda. Hey, my site went down too; how do you know they were targeting me? And why did they have to attack my defenseless blog instead of directly attacking me at home where I have my shotgun and handguns like I’ve always dreamed of? Then again, I don’t know what my deed restrictions say about having dead terrorists lying on the lawn.
• Hey, America is not the only friend of Israel; the Marshall Islands and Micronesia also voted against a U.N. condemnation of Israel making it a 144-4 vote. Sure there are only about 160,000 people between those two countries, but it’s nice to know we’re not alone in this world. We have friends out there– thought they’re very small and hard to find on a map.
• Rumsfeld is reportedly furious about the leak of the memo he wrote. He’s strangling and shooting everyone in sight. All he did was ask some tough questions, and now everyone is acting like he thinks the war is a failure. I mean, half the memo is just him discussing how he didn’t like the drape choices in the war room.
• The partial-birth abortion ban has passed the Senate and Bush said he will sign it. I’m against this. If you can’t suck the brains out of baby’s head, what rights do we have left?
• And Jeb Bush stopped Terri Schiavo from starving to death. It’s a whole “not killing people” epidemic now.
• There is now a Centrist Coalition blog. I hate moderates… much more than even liberals. I bet Satan is a moderate; the best way to get evil accepted is to package it with some good. That’s what moderates do; they’re always like, “Oh! I’m so special because I don’t take a firm stance on issues, and I see value in everyone’s viewpoints.” I bet right now a moderate is reading this and partially agreeing with it. Damn you!

• Some damn fool scientists have taught monkeys to control robots with their brains! Chamber a round in your shotgun and do it now!
  I am not being alarmist.
  The scientists are even talking about making it so that the monkeys can control the robots wirelessly. Soon, the monkeys will climb up into trees where we can’t get them while they use their telepathic powers to control robots to murder and enslave us. We need to get these scientists a grant to study the flow of ketchup from a bottle in high altitude conditions… research much less likely to lead to the end of mankind.
• This “When you think monkeys, think Frank” thing has gone a little too far. Not only did I get a record number of e-mails about the previous story, but my dad called me last night to ask if I heard about it. I blame the monkeys! I hate them so!
• Wacky little Kucinich has made his presidential bid official. I know; whoop-dee-freak’n doo. What is this with like campaigning for a year and then officially announcing a bid? When I first heard this yesterday morning that Dennis Cuckoo had an announcement, I was like, “Oh no! He’s dropping out and I need him for my In My World™ tomorrow!” but it ended up instead it was this non-announcement. No one cares. Shut up.
• I want to take this time to officially announce I have a blog named IMAO. Someone please send the press release to the major media… or at least Instapundit.
  No, I’m kidding. Don’t spam Glenn Reynolds.
  Then again, it would be funny…
• I’m getting bored of this stupid Democrat presidential primary race. I want to know who to focus my angry, partisan energies on. “Kill! Kill!” the voices tell me.
• For yet another day, France goes unbombed, and baby Jesus cries.
• They say there is hardly a peep about gun control from the Democrats. I guess they’re finally learning that it’s not smart to tick off people who own guns and no how to use them.
• Then again, they plan to bring up the “assault weapon” ban next year which makes illegal any gun that is cool looking or has a cool name. Time to mobilize the Association of Angry Gun Owners (motto: “We’re angry and we have guns.”).
• The buzz is we’ve recently spotted Saddam. I hope we get him so we can be like, “Yeah, that’s right; we got Saddam. In your face, space coyote!”
  “What about the WMD’s?”
  “The what now?”
• The Chi-Coms aren’t going to broadcast live their space flight? What are they hiding? Something’s rotten in Denmark, and I say we shoot those Commies down. That might cause an international incident, but we’re kinda used to those by now.
• So are we going to beat the crap out of Syria, or are we just going to let Israel do it?
• Israel is also going to bomb Iran. I didn’t know there was a race to beat the crap out of terrorist states. We need to get back on the ball before Israel shows us up.
• Proper bicycle safety says, that, when crossing an intersection, first keep an eye out for a former Miss America.
• Also, on topic of Iraq… Ahh! Robo-monkey!
• No, it was just a chair. That whole story about monkeys controlling robots with their minds sure has me spooked. When do we get our mind controlled robots? Or will they only sell them to certified mad scientists?
• Islamic nations feel that their survival is threatened by the U.S. And some of you people thought those guys weren’t rational. You nutty despots; of course we’re threatening your survival. First Iraq, then Syria, then Iran, then Denmark, then the rest of you. And there is nothing you or Allah can do about it. Modernization is coming, either with you accepting democratic reforms or at the tip of a cruise missile, biatch.
• Al Gore is hoping is new news station will be able to avoid the label of “liberal” and attract a younger, hipper audience. I have a slogan for it too: “The Hindenburgh of News Stations”.
• On a serious note, I want to express my sympathies for the families of the troops who have died in Iraq. Those people have not only made the ultimate sacrifice for the country, but also in defense of the Iraqi people. To those who would use their death as propaganda against what they fight for, I warn that a big ass whup’n is waiting for you, either in this life or the next.

• Did you see the Israeli ambassador respond to the Syrian one at the U.N.? Damn, he looked pissed. Would have been cool if, when asked to respond to Syria, the Israeli ambassador just pulled out his gun and shot the Syrian. Sure it would have caused controversy, but I’m getting so damn tired of diplomacy. Gunshots speak louder than words. Hell, they ring your ears.
• When Israel attacked Syria, we should have followed up. It would be just like that scene in Predator when a guy sees the predator and starts firing and, though no one else knows what he’s firing at, they fire in the same direction. We should be like that because Israel is our ally, or, in the least, because we like shooting stuff.
• “If it bleeds, you can kill it.” My second favorite Arnold line. I hope Arnold wins today because:
  A. I like it when Republicans win.
  B. It will be entertaining to have Arnold as governor of the largest state in America.
  C. I live far away from California, so it doesn’t affect me in the least.
• Indian tribes seem to be giving huge support to the Bustamante campaign, sending out direct mail and paying for ads. I know what this is all about! The Indians and MEChA plan to join together and take back the land we stole fair and square! And I don’t really care because, again, it’s California and I don’t live there.
• That stupid Graham cracker finally quit the presidential race. Unlike Sharpton, he was actually deluded into thinking he could win. I hope we can now replace him as senator here in Florida because I want a Republican senator.
  My other senator is also a Democrat, right? What the hell’s his name? Ah, who cares.
• Condoleezza Rice is now taking command of stabilization in Iraq and Afghanistan and… hell, I’ll save any joke about this for an In My World™ tomorrow.
• You heard about that guy in New York who kept a tiger in his apartment? I have a baboon locked in my guestroom. How long is it going to take that damn thing to starve?
• So what’s up with the Kay report? Did we find evidence of WMD’s or not. I keep hearing opposite thing on that and I’m too bored to do any follow up.
• Pentagon sold items that could be used to make bio weapons to the public. Don’t they know there are supervillians out there just waiting for such an opportunity?
• China is still working on making a space program. What is it with Commies and going to space? No one in Europe is trying. I hope we have plans to shoot down any of China’s space capsules, because they have to be up to something evil and must be stopped. Space is ours!
• Two Americans and a Russian won the Nobel Prize in Physics for their work on quantum physics. I forgot if I’ve mentioned it before, but I don’t like quantum physics. Classical physics describes everything just fine, while quantum physics is weird and wacky. I don’t care if it’s true; I just done like it.
• I’m soon going to be finishing the final draft of the novel I’ve been working on, and I may post the query letter I’m going to send to agents so you people can give me critiques. And they better be good critiques, too, because, if you readers don’t make yourselves useful, I swear I’ll find new ones.

• I don’t know about this Wesley Clark and how he was all Republican crazy just like eight minutes before he decided to run for the Democrat nomination. In a way, he’s like Arianna Huffington if she were a man and a general and had white hair and didn’t talk funny and actually had a chance of being elected and… well, you know what I mean.
• From the polls, which are always accurate, it looks like Arnold has a lock on the governorship. Little known fact is that when a governor is recalled in California, the replacement governor needs to pick up the old one in the air and then snap him in two while shouting, “Dah!”. That’s why few are as qualified as a recall candidate as Arnold.
• A gorilla escaped in Boston and injured two people. It took police a while to take action because at first they just though it was Ted Kennedy having a night on the town. When will people learn that monkeys and people can’t live side by side? As soon as we turn our backs on them for a second, they’ll rampage like Kennedys.
• In more monkey news, scientists say that orangutans could go extinct in 20 years because of habitat destruction by illegal loggers. And you were against illegal loggers.
• And don’t someone e-mail me to tell me apes aren’t monkeys. They’re all monkeys to me. Monkey monkey monkey!
• What’s this about a CIA leak from the Whitehouse. I’ve been busy being sick so I haven’t paid attention. So, are like the Democrats suddenly concerned with national security all of sudden. How odd.
• I still can’t believe people are actually thinking of electing a Democrat to the presidency. Do you really think a Democrat could handle things if we got attacked by terrorists again or if ninjas ambushed us? No, they’d just cry and hide under table as say, “Please, Republicans, save us; you’re big an tough!” And maybe we’ll be like, “Screw you guys; you’re on your own. Should have stocked up on guns like me.”
• When interviewed by Hannity, Arnold said his political inspiration was Ronald Reagan. Can a Republican candidate be viable if he answers in any other way?
• When interviewed, Bustamante identified his political inspiration as “Mayor McCheese”.
• Okay, Bustamante isn’t really fat enough to pull that joke off. So sue me.
• I hear all this argument about getting the Iraqis a constitution. Why not just photocopy ours and replace the word “people” with “Iraqis”?
• What?

• I was like, “Oh no; the recall is delayed.” Then I realized it was the 9th who made the decision, the most overturned court in the nation, so I knew this was just another temper tantrum of theirs to get attention. Let’s just ignore them until the Supreme Court has a look-see.
• And why is everyone down on punch card ballots because they’re more prone to voter error? Voter error is just God’s way of making sure that people too dumb to follow simple instructions are not the ones deciding the future of our nation.
• It’s certainly not a hobby of mine to defend Howard Dean (then again, I still think his winning the primary will help Bush in the general), but why is there a controversy that a humorous line he used in his debate was actually coached. Haven’t people anticipated question and come up with great responses since the word debate was first coined?
• People seem to be freaking out about the Patriot Act like all ‘ell, but I still can’t get enough interest to even read much about it. I guess I’ve just gotten used to when there is this much smoke in politics, there probably ain’t no fire.
• Christiane Amanpour said her reporting on Iraq was affected by intimidation by the White House and Fox News. Fox News responded by saying that if she doesn’t shut up, they’ll beat the crap out of her while the White House subtly hinted that she could be disappeared.
• To try and appeal to women voters, Schwar… Arnold went on the Oprah Winfrey show. That’s the problem with women voters: I will never respect them when their impressed by people talking to Oprah instead of, like us men, being impressed by whoever vows to “kill the bastards”.
• As you all know, I had radio silence a good portion of last week since I was attending the wedding of my brother, Joe foo’ the Marine, to the lovely Denise. I ended up catching the garter belt though I didn’t want too – none of us did. I used my brother privilege to stand in the front thinking it would sail overhead, but my brother can’t throw a garter for s–t and it landed right at my feet. I then, in the word of his Marine buddies, “jumped on the grenade”. Since I still had the tux on, I was thinking of walking into a bar and using it in some sort of pick up line.
• I love gift registries. Makes buying gifts less of a mind-racking headache. Denise’s brother, though, who surprised everyone by getting back from Iraq on the day of the wedding, had a great gift. He had with him in the Middle East a picture of Joe and Denise from a Marine ball, and he paid an Iraqi to paint it into a portrait of the two. I hope I can show you all a picture of it (plus a picture of me in my tux for the ladies).
• There is nothing better than drinking free beer while smoking stogies with a bunch of Marines and an old friend of Joe and mine we hadn’t seen in years (who was the only other one in a tux instead of dress blues) and then finishing it off with a round of Irish car bombs.
• My main worry the whole time I was there was my toast, because I, being Joe’s brother and best man, wanted to make it special. I had a long one planned out, but at the last minute decided to abridge it. I think it went over well. One girl said it made her cry (but she was a bit tipsy). One guy asked afterwards if I ever thought of going into politics, but I said no (it seems more like something likely for my brother). I love being frank (no pun intended… okay, yes it was), and, in politics you can’t always speak your mind. I just couldn’t be that way. I even remember back in eighth grade when we were going to have a debate on abortion, and I ended up the only one against since everyone else was too intimidated by the number of people on the pro side. My arguments were piss-poor, but, hell, I stood up for what I believe in and I vow to always do. Actually, I tend to avoid mentioning abortion on this site since it’s an issue I know a lot of my readers will disagree on… but the point still stands.
• Speaking of politics, why do I only hear good stories about Iraq when I talk to troops who had actually been there. My brother’s friend, a Marine lieutenant, was at the wedding and he kept saying how the Iraqis were the nicest people and loved the Americans being there. At martial arts yesterday, one of the students had just gotten back from Iraq. He’s an older guy who works where I work and I know must make some good money. Plus, he has a wife and two children he had to leave behind. Still, after being there and seeing all the people he helped, his only conclusion is that going to Iraq was the right thing to do. He talked about the schools he helped rebuild, teaching Iraqis kids how to use swing sets and teeter-totters (they never having seen them before) and how life had already improved for so many Iraqis in so many ways. This stuff really interests people, so how come I never hear it any other place than first hand or on blogs with letters from servicemen? WMD’s or not, there are over 24 million lives on the line, and we are doing some good, goddammit. To all those who thought we should have left the Iraqis in the misery of Saddam’s regime, I think we should ship those dumb f–ks to Iraq and let the people there do with them as they may as sort of a way to relieve the stress of the former horror. The Democrats, at least those wanting to be president, are trying to say how bad things are because they needs things to be bad… and well, that’s disgusting to the highest degree. I could go on more, but I like to limit my swearing.
• To calm down, I just want to mention the creative projects I’m now working on or plan to get started. I have my novel I finished, and I’m going over the second draft with my Silly Sister Sarah before I write up a third draft. I also have a screenplay mostly written that I need to finish. Also, I want to try and find an agent for the humor stuff I’ve written here on this site, and I have finally come up with an idea for a long subject (novel length) humor piece that will be somewhat like my In My World™ posts and focus on Buck the Marine. Also, I have a currently hush hush Flash animation project I want to get working on. Also, I have an idea for a new holster design and borrowed a specific handgun from my dad so I can work on it. I have a lot of other things going on than these crative projects, so I expect to make myself very busy, but I’ll try to keep up my regular blogging because, well, I like to.
• Sorry to not be so funny today. Anyway, I would just like to once again give best wishes to my brother Joe foo’ the Marine and my new sister, Denise.

• Man, I don’t have like anything to say. Everyone have fun Labor Day weekend? I don’t like it that holiday because it’s an evil union one. Well, I never complain about a paid holiday, but I’d rather celebrate something else. Wait a second; does anyone actually celebrate Labor Day? Do we have any labor parades or anything? We should just call it “Day-Off Day”.
• Actually, they arrested Jesse Jackson on Labor Day. We could make an annual thing of that. We’d just arrest him for no reason, and he’d be like, “This is the worst injustice since Dredd Scott!” but he says that about everything, so no one would listen. Someone should tell him the story about the boy who cried wolf.
• My version of that story has kung fu fighting.
• What’s it with terrorists and explosions? Why can’t we settle this man-to-man; fist-to-fist. Because they’re a bunch of cowards, and they know Allah actually hates them because they’re smelly and stupid. Yeah, that’s right. You want to prove me wrong, meet me for a hand-to-hand fight to death at the abandoned warehouse by the docks (heh heh; when they go in there, I’ll blow it up!).
• An asteroid could hit us in 2014. I hope we have the technology to nudge it and make sure it just hits France.
• Maybe one of those asteroids has oil. Our luck, though, it would probably also be covered in Islamic extremists.
• Oh yeah, you need dead things to have oil. Can’t we just kill lots of animals and turn them into oil ourselves? We’re much smarter than nature.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger says he’ll do a debate. It would be cool if he says, “Here is my rebuttal… my re-headbuttal!” and then head butts Cruz Bustamante. Then he could pick up Gray Davis and throw him against a wall. That would be the coolest debate since the time Reagan cold-cocked Jimmy Carter!
• I was only one year old during the Reagan-Carter debates and was quite distracted by a rattle, so my recollection of them may be a bit sketchy.
• Did you hear that Cruz Bustamante is a member of some group called Robo or something? It’s motto is “For the race, everything. For those outside the race, nothing.” Why don’t they just make their motto, “We’re a bunch of racist numb-nuts.”?
• Maybe instead they could have their motto be, “For the race, everything. For those outside the race, free scoops of ice cream.” Then, instead of people being threatened, they’d be like, “Yay! Free ice cream!”
• Actually, I thought “Hispanic” was an ethnicity, not a race. Bustamante should clarify whether he hates other races or other ethnicities.
• Hey, I just read here that they serve nachos and Dos Equis at their meetings. Now I want to join! Bronze power!
• Even more disturbingly, I hear that Gray Davis is part of a secret ninja organization called Cyber which motto is, “For the ninja, everything. For those outside the ninja clan, beheadings.”
• Also, Arianna Huffington is part of an organization called Droid which motto is, “For the air-headed socialite, everything. For those…” Know what? I think I’ve milked this dry.
• I’ve never been called a racial slur. I’ve always wanted to be called one, though. The only one I know is “Cracker”. Where does that come from? Do white people like crackers? I like Ritz with peanut butter on them.
• Once, at college, I was watching Enter the Dragon with a group of friends. When the white guy was introduced in the story, everyone in the room started making fun of him. Then I realized I was the only white guy in the room, so I said, “The white guy ain’t so bad.” It would have made a great anecdote if one of my friends responded, “Shut up, you dumb cracker!” but, right now, it’s only a so-so anecdote. It does involve kung fu, though.
• Actually, “cracker” is now being used to distinguish a malicious hacker from a noble one. Hacker used to be a word of esteem (among nerds and geeks, that is) before it became synonymous with breaking into computers. “I am a hacker,” some would say, “and the computer doth obey me. Fear me and my power and pray that I use it for good.”
• Okay, no one ever said that; I’m most likely the first person in the history of time to have come up with that sentence.
• Not much else to talk about other than Iraq. We keep hearing about our troops getting killed and then everyone who never liked the military in the first place is griping about it. At least Bush has said firmly that backing down is not an option, and I think we need that repeated. If the terrorists understand that the only thing that will stop us is them being dead, they might think twice about attacking us in the first place. And that’s all I have to say about that.

• Dude, they’re like trying to take the 10 Commandments away. I know for a fact the founding fathers never meant religion to be the least protected speech, but that’s what we keep acting like. People keep saying they don’t want other to be unduly influenced, but, come on, we all know Christianity is the true religion. I mean, would Jesus lie? We’re going to make God angry with our behavior, and then we won’t win all the time and he’ll plague us with locusts and hippies.
• More trying to make God angry: they have a high school classes in Michigan that has kids reading anti-American tripe by people like that moral-gnome Chomsky. That’s child abuse. Send those teachers to jail and then have the kids write essays on why America has the right to attack any country they damn well feel like.
• We keep hearing bad news from Iraq, and I hope we can turn things around there soon. Some people just want us to turn tail and run, but there is no way we’re doing that again. We have to let terrorists and other mentally challenged people know that you if you piss us off, we won’t rest until you are dead. Nemo Me Impune Lacessit! (that’s Latin for “If you mess with me, I’ll f–k you up.”)
• And when are we finally going to attack Saudi Arabia? I’m tired of seeing those rat bastards walking around in sheets all unshot and everything. We have like a surprise attack planned, right? It’s a lot of princes to kill, but, man, there is so much oil to steal. I hope we have enough equipment. Yeah, that’s right, we take our oil, leave, and let Israel clean up the rest.
• Fox News dropped their lawsuit against Al Fraken. My legal opinion about this is that I hate Al Fraken. I wish someone would punch him. Is there a legal precedent for that?
• You hear about this? They’re trying to do wind power in Cape Cod, but all the liberals like Ted Kennedy are opposed to it because it messes up their view. Wind power is like a wet dream for environmentalists, but I guess they only think poor people should have to deal with eyesores. Don’t get me wrong – I still think wind power is gay – I just like pointing out the hypocrisy. Liberals are so full of it. You don’t how many anti-gun-nuts out there actually own guns, have conceal carry permits, or have armed body guards. So they get protection, but no one else. Liberals just hate poor people and don’t trust them; that’s the only explanation for their behavior.
• That reminds me of what I call the Frank Gun Control Challenge™. I’m tired of dealing with the convoluted logic of anti-gun nuts, so I have this simple challenge to prove the fallacy of their arguments. In the challenge, they stand on one side and let loose their best arguments, while, I stand opposite of them and shoot at them with my .45. If any of their anti-gun tripe can stop my bullet, they win. Otherwise I win. Some may now say, “Hey! That doesn’t prove anything!” To which I respond, “I still have more bullets in this gun.” Many will continue to think (but no longer voice) that nothing was proven, but some may now say, “Ah ha!” and achieve enlightenment.
• While most of Hollywood are leftists, pretty much every time you see a celebrity run for office he or she is a Republican. Why? Because running for political office means getting challenged on your views, and Hollywood leftists are nigh retarded. Wouldn’t you love to see Barbara Streisand get eviscerated in a political debate? Not gonna happen.
• Bill Clinton is going to give Gray Davis the kiss of death while Giuliani is going to campaign for Schwarzenegger – and Giuliani actually got Bloomberg elected. Things are looking up for Ah-nuld.
• Who wants to bet that Bill Clinton will one day be found dead in a cheap motel room by a prostitue, OD’s on some designer drug. I just don’t see him going out any other way.
• File this under “If I had more time” department: I think it would be cool to find a big pile of manure, put a baseball cap on top, take a picture of me standing next to it, and then post the picture on my webpage saying, “Hey, look! I met Michael Moore!” Only problem is that I don’t know where to find a big pile of manure and I don’t own any baseball caps. Oh well.
• I think I got a lead on the monkey that stole my stereo. Ends up he’s been going town to town doing that. I also think he may be the chimp that shot me. I feel like such a fool for not recognizing him, but I’ll hunt him down; this I swear.
• Speaking of monkeys, I don’t like Democrats. They want to raise my taxes; I just know it. They’re probably plotting about it right now. I saw this documentary about how a coyote will try to catch it’s prey, and one method is to paint a tunnel onto a rock wall. We should do that and put of a sign pointing to the phony tunnel saying, “Angry, Dumb People This Way.” Then the Democrats will be like, “Wow! Those people should vote for us!” So they’ll drive their campaign buses right into the wall and my money will be saved from their thieving hands.
• I could also pray to God to smite the Democrats, but He hasn’t been listening to me since I read that article on Buddhism. Hey, I was just curious, yo. And the guy with the fat belly makes me laugh.

• I don’t know about this whole Arnold thing now. I’m starting to get worried that’s he going to be a Bloomberg liberal Republican instead of Giuliani liberal Republican. Though it’s nice to have someone in office with an (R) next to his or her name, if the choice is between an ineffective Republican governor or mayor vs. and ineffective Democrat, I’d rather have the Democrat. No reason to sully the good name of Republicans for a short-term gain. If Arnold screws things up, I’ll kick his ass. Yeah, that right!
• My sister is in California, but I don’t remember hearing what she thinks about this recall thing. She told me in the last election she voted for Nader, but that was just to tweak me (she voted for Bush). Aww, my little sister involved in democracy.
• Then again, I never got this whole “women voting” thing. If it wasn’t for women, Dole actually would have beat Clinton in ’96. Then again, I hear woman are now just as concerned as men about issues of national defense, which is good. Still, you shape up, women; we gave you the vote, and we can take it away!
• IMAO would like to apologize to all its female readers for that last statement, which does not reflect the opinion of IMAO or its subsidiaries (of which there are none).
• I ended up getting that Zatoichi sword. I didn’t play with it much yesterday since I wasn’t feeling well, but I found out that if you’re practicing throwing something in the air and cutting it in two, an orange is too messy… especially in the living room (I had to clean orange juice off the miniblinds). I think I’ll stick to apples. BTW, if there is a slowdown in blogging, it’s probably from a loss of fingers.
• Am I alone in not particularly liking the French?
• To all military readers of this site: get off your damn asses and kill some terrorists. What are you doing surfing the net when there are still people out there in need of killing! Hey, my tax dollars pay your measly salary, so get to it!
• If I become a successful author and makes lots of money with the book I wrote, screw you guys; I’ll only write if I get paid for it from now on. Sorry.
• When do we find out who the Democrat candidate for president is? I can’t wait for that race to kick into high gear; it should be funny. Wouldn’t it be cool if Kucinich surprises everyone and breaks into the lead? He’s the only one brave enough to take on mind-controlling space lasers (and tin-foil hats won’t save you from those).
• I hear there is controversy about Mel Gibson’s movie The Passion which is about the final hours of Jesus Christ. Some people think it will cause anti-semitic violence. How would that work? “Wow, that movie was such a touching statement of Jesus belief in love, peace, and sacrifice… NOW LET’S GO BEAT US UP SOME JEWS!!!”
• Just for the record, I don’t actually hate monkeys. If I did, that would be specist. You can’t just hate a whole species; you have to judge each one individually. Like, you may say you hate all mosquitoes, but what if one you saw wasn’t trying to such your blood but was instead just admiring your wallpaper? Then you’d be a jerk to swat it.
• There is a particular monkey I hate, though. See, one day I heard a knock at the door and there was this monkey. So I said, “Are you lost from the zoo, Mr. Monkey?” and he said, “Ooh! Ooh!” (or maybe it was, “Ee! Ee!”; it was a while ago). So I let him in, asked if he wanted some coffee, and, after he nodded yes, I went to get him some. Soon as I turned around, though, I saw him going out the window with my stereo and yelled, “Hey, come back with my stereo, you damn dirty ape!” That was said in the heat of the moment, but still, that doesn’t excuse how specist that was of me. Anyway, I hate that monkey! If I find him, I’m going to hit him with a bat!
• So what’s the best way to carry a bat so it looks like you’re on your way to baseball practice and not like your just ready to cause trouble? Is there a certain way you can hold it in hand, or do you need a sheath to keep it in. Or does the sheath make you look too prepared?
• I really think that baseball is the American pastime, because it symbolizes the values of America. You have to work as a team to succeed, but everyone also gets their time in the spotlight when they’re at bat. Baseball is also hella boring, but I’m not sure how to work that into the metaphor.
• Wouldn’t it be funny to teach some monkeys to play baseball? Probably be easier to have it be tee-ball. That would be funny to watch, unless one bit me, which he almost certainly would. And then I don’t like the idea of them having bats in their hand. They’d probably take me down with the biting, and then hit me with the bats. I’d be defenseless!
• I hate monkeys.