I used to do this feature Bite-Sized Wisdom because then I could just do a bunch of little jokes with a bullet points instead of putting them together in some semi-coherent form like my editorials and In My Worlds™. It seemed like that would work really well with my short attention span, but then I forgot all about it because… you know… my short attention span.
I feel like I should say more about illegal immigrants, but it’s just one of those issues that doesn’t move me. From my point of view, any sane person should want to be in America and do anything he or she can to get here. Still, the illegals really lose my sympathy when they prance around with Mexican flags. Hey, the whole reason you guys are here is because your country sucks. Sure, it may have culture you’re proud of, but obviously economy trumps all. What is culture worth in the end? A few tourist dollars for clay pots? Tell me, what would you rather have? The Day of the Dead, or a job? Soccer or a salary? There are correct answers to those.
So, can you camp near the border to Mexico, or is that just impossible because there is always these Mexicans running by and knocking over your stuff? I never camp anyway because of one bad experience. I had accidentally left a campfire unattended, and then Smokey the Bear tried to maul me. It took three shotgun blasts to bring him down.
If you want to see him, his head is mounted above the T.V. in the living room. I usually leave the hat on it, but sometimes I wear it for fun even though it’s a bit big for me.
Speaking of Mexican immigrants and wild animals, SarahK and I are really into that Dog Whisperer show. Cesar Millan is great, but who we really love is the giant pit pull he has named Daddy. When he’s helping little yapping dogs learn not to attack other dogs, he’ll always bring Daddy along. That dog could eat those yappers in one bite, but he just ignores them. Actually, he’s so obedient, a nuclear bomb could go off and he wouldn’t flinch. I want to start the Daddy fan club and make sure my Shepherd/Pit Rowdi joins. “I want you to be like that dog, and, when you are, I’ll stop beating you.”
So, they released that journalist in Iraq. Whoever took her didn’t seem like they had a plan at all. If you’re going to go through the trouble of kidnapping someone, at least have a backup plan for when your demands aren’t met. Still, they weren’t like my first political kidnapping. After a while, I got bored of thing and totally forgot about the guy tied up in the basement.
How many times can your house “mysteriously” burn down before insurers just won’t take you anymore?
I really want to be a professional writer (I could blog all day!), but the problem is that I’m not a starving artist. If you are starving, you’ll try anything to succeed. I’ve had this nice cushy job I like, though, and you just don’t write as well between bites of prime rib. Luckily, I got married so now it seem like I have no money. Expect much more writing from me in the future.
You may have noticed how the top of the IMAO main page now has ads for our CafePress store. You may ask, “What happened to the podcast?” Well, we’re still figuring out how to use that to trick people into giving us money. See, we have all this traffic to this site, and the obvious thought is “How can we turn that into money?” So, now, I’m trying merchandise from CafePress. It’s working so far, as we’ve made in the tens of dollars in profit. Even though it’s split among all the IMAO bloggers, I get to keep most of it since SarahK is good at cooking the books (she just a good cook in general).
Yeah, as Christians, we really shouldn’t do faulty accounting, but I did some research into the Bible, including doing some of my own translations from the original Hebrew, and I now have an argument that it’s okay to lie when money is involved.
I once lived in Alaska; isn’t that weird?
I was asked to join this Gather.com since they want more political writers. I thought it might be neat because then I might be more likely to get some liberals to read my stuff. You guys are great and all, but I can only take so much, “Frank, you’re a genius!”, “It’s like you have magical humor powers!”, and “Please be our god!” So, I’ve started out by crossing posting my editorial from Monday, and, already, three people have said bad things about it. Maybe we can get discussions going over there, but, if not, at least a shouting match. I started a political humor group if people want to join in.
Anyway, the Gather.com “About Me” page you set for yourself is pretty cool. It has all these different fields to fill in about what music you like and what not (guess who I put under my “Heroes”) and even has five different choices for your sexual preference. Who can choose?
If I get more attention at Gather.com, you know as soon as I start debating liberals, they’ll be like, “How can you have an opinion on fiscal responsibility? You’re just a chicken hawk!” I did think of joining the military once, though. Then, I found out they like shout at you and stuff. I just assumed the military got reformed the same as public school and they’d just give me a rifle and say, “Go ahead and shoot for’ners at your own pace. You’ll get a medal just for trying!”
Speaking of war, I just realized I don’t know how to make like any explosives. Is that weird? I know you’re supposed to be able to make all sorts of explosives out of household objects, but I don’t know one formula. If I needed to make a bomb (it happens) I’d be reduced to taking apart my bullets for the gunpowder. It says right there on the box you shouldn’t do that, though, and if I ignored that warning, it would be like I’m saying, “I’m smarter than Winchester.” And I’m totally not.
Off-topic (even for a post with no topic), but do they Braille ballots? It seems wrong to let the blind vote, because how are they supposed to pick a politician to elect when they can’t even see them? I know Senator John Edwards has to be against the blind voting; he works too hard on his hair for it to not even be the factor in some people’s votes.
Is IMAO available in Braille somewhere? If so, I’m sorry for that previous comment. If not, screw you, blind people!
Next podcast, I should make fun of the deaf.
I remember meeting a deaf kid when I was younger and trying to communicate with him. I shouted at the boy until I was hoarse, and then I couldn’t talk to people. That stuff spreads if you’re not careful.
I’ve thought about doing stand up comedy, but, as you may have heard from the podcasts, I have no skills at delivery. Most of my stuff is made less funny if I say it out loud. Well, there goes that dream, but, if you have to stand during a job, I consider that blue-collar work anyway.
I think I had some more thoughts, but I can’t remember them now. I really should write them down.
Then again, I guess I’m doing that now. Anyhoo, if someone has seen my car keys, e-mail me with the subject “Frank’s Car Keys.” And, make sure to buy stuff and tell everyone else about IMAO. If we don’t make more money, then either the cats or the dog is going to have to stop eating, and you know SarahK and I aren’t going to agree on which it is.
24 Comments
Since you mentioned Rowdi, are you going to add more blogs about her? Maybe as part of her training SarahK can teach Rowdi the finer points of pretty shooting. Rowdi might need a 1911 built for dogs. (Invention Idea). Go Rowdi, I like dogs, dogs are fun.
I hope this isn’t off-topic, but anyway:
On the local call-in show here in Knoxville yesterday, they talked to a guy who runs a business and was defending his hiring of an illegal becuase he helped increase productivity. We should tell people like that, “I just increased my profit margin by not paying taxes.” I’m sure he would be happy for us 😛
That’s my bit of bite-sized wisdom. Feel free to go on with your lives:)
BTW Frank, just because this “bit o’ wisdom” is hyena giggle funny does NOT mean you can go slacking on IMW or the editorials. You did this to yourself you know, when you set the standard to this funny so high, people start to expect it…and I STILL want a pony.
Good luck on the professional writer thing. I’m currently trying to break into that racket as well, but I’m far from a starving artist. Not that I am raking in cash, just that most of it goes towards trips to Chipotle for lunch.
Don’t worry about the bombs. They aren’t as cool as they’re made out to be. We don’t have to make our own – THEY GIVE THEM TO US!!! Is that cool or what? They even have paractice bombs that make a noise about as loud as a firecracker and have nice puff of smoke. Those are fun to play with. Roll a practice grenade into a toilette for a good laugh. It’s even better if you throw in tear gas first so that the person is trying to stumble out as the loud one goes off. If you ever need to use the real thing though, you have to get clearance from the budget guy that they can afford to replace it, the chaplain that you won’t burn in hell for killing someone who desperately needs it, and a lawyer to make sure that he starts the defense of when you get sued by the survivors. Come to think of it, it kinda sucks.
“Luckily, I got married so now it seem like I have no money. Expect much more writing from me in the future.”
Oops, I uhhh…should’ve warned you about that 🙁
My bad, Frank
Yes they have braille ballots, but only 36% of humans have the tactial ability to read braille and not all of them are blind…
They registars that will read the ballots to blind and record the oral choice, but you must register for this service and have a Doctors note saying your blind.
Also if your’re blind you can get free tape machines and full text talking books from the Library of congress…
Also they have special reading service for the blind radio programs…
So being blind isn’t all that bad , unless you’re blind…
I just found a way of decreasing my pollution and commute time by speeding and ignoring red lights. Just stay off the sidewalks and my car won’t hit you…
Since you mentioned Rowdi, are you going to add more blogs about her? Maybe as part of her training SarahK can teach Rowdi the finer points of pretty shooting. Rowdi might need a 1911 built for dogs. (Invention Idea). Go Rowdi, I like dogs, dogs are fun.
Frank you suck!!
There, feel better? (It killed me to say that, but I’m trying to off-set all my past kiss-ups)
Opps I thougt it was Gaither.com… my bad
Now I’ve got a case of the guilts….crap.
Let the dog eat the cats and then everyone is happy.
I ran over a squirrel yesterday. Poor little squirrel.
jonag,
I’ll let that go this time, but don’t let it happen again.
Thanks, it won’t.
I hope this isn’t off-topic, but anyway:
On the local call-in show here in Knoxville yesterday, they talked to a guy who runs a business and was defending his hiring of an illegal becuase he helped increase productivity. We should tell people like that, “I just increased my profit margin by not paying taxes.” I’m sure he would be happy for us 😛
That’s my bit of bite-sized wisdom. Feel free to go on with your lives:)
Frank, if you become a millionare, will you buy me a pony? A real one that I can ride, not those goofy little couch ponies.
Here’s the plan.
1. Feed the cats, not the dog.
2. Dog gets hungry.
3. Dog eats cats.
4. Dog no longer hungry.
5. Profit!
BTW Frank, just because this “bit o’ wisdom” is hyena giggle funny does NOT mean you can go slacking on IMW or the editorials. You did this to yourself you know, when you set the standard to this funny so high, people start to expect it…and I STILL want a pony.
Good luck on the professional writer thing. I’m currently trying to break into that racket as well, but I’m far from a starving artist. Not that I am raking in cash, just that most of it goes towards trips to Chipotle for lunch.
Frank if your looking to make an easy home made bomb, go talk to anyone that has had to remove a stump by blowing it up.
Can’t you just watch old McGuyver shows? He can blow anything up using a stick of gum and a rubber band. As I recall.
Mmmmmm.
Home-made bombs.
Don’t worry about the bombs. They aren’t as cool as they’re made out to be. We don’t have to make our own – THEY GIVE THEM TO US!!! Is that cool or what? They even have paractice bombs that make a noise about as loud as a firecracker and have nice puff of smoke. Those are fun to play with. Roll a practice grenade into a toilette for a good laugh. It’s even better if you throw in tear gas first so that the person is trying to stumble out as the loud one goes off. If you ever need to use the real thing though, you have to get clearance from the budget guy that they can afford to replace it, the chaplain that you won’t burn in hell for killing someone who desperately needs it, and a lawyer to make sure that he starts the defense of when you get sued by the survivors. Come to think of it, it kinda sucks.
That would be “practice” not paractice in English speaking countries.
Smokeless powder isn’t really an exposive, so save your cartridges for their original purposes.
Black powder on the other hand…
Who needs to BUY bombs or grenades? Michael Moore’s flatulence is regulated by the NRC.
“Luckily, I got married so now it seem like I have no money. Expect much more writing from me in the future.”
Oops, I uhhh…should’ve warned you about that 🙁
My bad, Frank
JOG, I thought he said Gaither, too. And I was confused. I didn’t know the Gaithers started looking for political commentary on their site.
Too….many….bites…..at…..once…..
Yes they have braille ballots, but only 36% of humans have the tactial ability to read braille and not all of them are blind…
They registars that will read the ballots to blind and record the oral choice, but you must register for this service and have a Doctors note saying your blind.
Also if your’re blind you can get free tape machines and full text talking books from the Library of congress…
Also they have special reading service for the blind radio programs…
So being blind isn’t all that bad , unless you’re blind…
I just found a way of decreasing my pollution and commute time by speeding and ignoring red lights. Just stay off the sidewalks and my car won’t hit you…