Archive of entries posted on 22nd March 2006

If Democrats Ran Iraq

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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
The new Iraqi Parliament that was elected last December has finally been sworn in, but – due to an egregious mix-up at the ballot box – it turned out that all those elected were actually American Democrats.
Vowing to “do for Iraq what Bushitler won’t let us do for America”, the new Parliament promised to do the following during its first 100 days:

  • Outlaw use of the word “terrorist” – replace it with “person of murder”.
  • No more death penalty. Except for those who refer to a person of murder as a “terrorist”
  • Also outlawed will be the phrase “camel jockey”, unless it’s used at an actual camel race.
  • Or by a rap artist.
  • It will be illegal to bow toward Mecca at a public school.
  • Having a non-denominational “moment of bending” isn’t acceptable either.
  • No one will be allowed to draw cartoons of Jesus, Buddha, or Moses. However, the Iraqi government WILL fund artworks such as the urine-soaked holy book, “Whiz Koran”.
  • No cartoons of Cindy Sheehan, either, because her son died for George Bush’s sins.
  • BUUUUUUUUUUUSH! shakes fist at sky
  • Floor sweeping will be forbidden in all bars and restaurants, due to the hazards of “secondhand dirt”.
  • Meanwhile, the tax on brooms will be raised another 50 cents.
  • No one will be allowed to own a gun except for police and persons of murder.
  • Camel spiders will now be considered an endangered species, and no oil drilling will be allowed in their habitats.
  • Unless the oil is being sold to France, Germany, Russia, or China.
  • All camels will be required to get an average of 28 miles per gallon of water.
  • 38 for the economy 1-hump models
  • Witnesses in court trials have to swear to tell the truth while placing their hand on a copy of “Heather Has Two Mommies“.
  • All of Saddam’s old presidential Palaces will be re-named “The Robert C. Byrd Memorial Palace”, followed by a Roman numeral.
  • And stop nagging Senator Byrd to apologize for his Klan membership! You people are like a pitbull on a mailman’s leg with that!
  • All sand dunes will be made wheelchair accessible.
  • The new Iraqi flag will be an upside down American flag with a picture of Michael Moore’s butt on it.
  • Women will have equal rights. To apply for these rights, they should send a resume to intern@cigarsinparliament.com.

Frankly, I’d be ok with all of these, as long as they make “Democracy! Whiskey! Sexy!” the new Iraqi National anthem. (explanatory reference)

I Hate Making Other People Money

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Why didn’t someone tell me IMAO.com was coming up for sale? It was just bought for $2,150, and, from the looks of IMAO.com, it’s one of those sites made to get traffic from people meaning to come here.
So what happened to the Japanese handle makers?
(thanks to reader Hutz for alerting me to this)
UPDATE: Apparently there was a whole auction for it and everything. Eh, I couldn’t have afforded it anyway.

One kid. Two kid. Red kid. Blue kid.

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Does your child complain constantly? Does she have pictures on her wall of Ann Coulter? Does your son threaten to go “nuh-ku-ler”? Congratulations — you have yourself a little conservative. Or at least, that’s the finding from a researcher from Berkeley (City Motto: We Don’t Have a City Motto Because They’re Fascist), California.
To summarize the study: Some students were whiney and grew to become conservatives. Others had more of a ‘laissez fair’ attitude and grew to become individual strong liberals. (Hat tip: Michelle Malkin)
As you look at this study you have to ask yourself some important questions: How objective were these observations? Were they accurate? And what exactly is ‘laissez fair’? And is it allowed on prime time TV?
IMAO readers can be proud of the fact that IMAO bloggers pour over the data that others refuse to read because it may contain big words and have zero pictures. We then take this data and throw it away in favor simple words and immature drawings. (Which I’ll post later when my scanner works.)
Here is yet another Fake But Accurate Summary of the researchers and their findings.
The Berkeley Report: One kid. Two kid. Red kid. Blue Kid.
Observation: Suzie complains to the teacher: “Billy’s making fun of my hair.”
Notes: Billy seems to enjoy yanking on Suzie’s pigtails and calling her names. We do not suspect there is any misogyny involved.
Conclusion: By complaining, Suzie shows that she does not respect Billy’s right to free speech.
Observation: Suzie making fun of John’s “corn rows”.
Note: John is not your typical Caucasian so his parents got him a cool hairstyle. Suzie asked him, “Why did you get corn-rows?” This was clearly inappropriate.
Conclusion: Suzie is demonstrating an insensitivity to hairstyles and reflects a narrow-minded, mono-cultural focus.
Observation: John asked the teacher’s permission to use the bathroom.
Note: Permission is required at some fascist school organizations before one can perform perfectly normal body functions.
Conclusion: Asking permission reflects an extreme dependence on authority figures and rules.
Observation: Jimmy took a pee out the window.
Conclusion: Jimmy exemplifies free thinking.

Continue reading ‘One kid. Two kid. Red kid. Blue kid.’ »

Skinheads are such boneheads

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Demonstrating how far Europe has advanced since the end of World War II, Neo-Nazis are now threatening to slaughter Muslims at World Cup events.
Instead of calling them skinheads, perhaps it’s time to call them boneheads.
Why? Well…

“We are united. For the first time we are talking and planning together, with the English, the Germans, the Dutch, the Spanish, everyone with the same objective. At the World Cup there will be a massacre,” said the Italian ultra.
“We will all be in Germany and there will be Turks, Algerians and Tunisians. The Turks, we can’t stand them. In our country (Italy) there are not many, but in Germany, there are many of those guys there. They are Islamic terrorists.
“We will attack them. They are all enemies that need to be eliminated, just like the police. If we make the Roman greeting (the fascist salute) they put us in prison. We will be tens of thousands. Nothing but the English are feared.”

So they’re going to go out in large groups and attack Muslims? Talk about the fallacy of planning for the last war… sheesh! Next thing you know, you’ll brand numbers on their wrists, make them sew crescents to their shirts and build BMW engines in work camps.
How dreadfully Forties. Been there, done that, and Iran’s denied it time and time again.
Come on, guys. Everybody knows that all you need to do is publish a bunch of cartoons mocking Mohammed and the Muslims will riot and kill themselves by the dozens.
And there’s the added advantage that it pits your enemies against each other – police in riot gear vs. rioting Muslims.
No wonder why they lost World War Two.

In My World: At Least He Didn’t Become a Jew

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“Since it’s your millionth birthday today, I think I’ll let you ask a question, Helen,” President Bush said at his press conference.
“What were your real reasons for war?” Helen Thomas screeched.
“To be honest,” Bush stated, “I once took a look at your horrid visage, you shriveled old hag, and it became burned in my memory. I could neither eat nor sleep because of it, and I decided the only way I could get your corpse-face out of my head was to commit to a large scale war.”
“Why did you lie about your reasons for war?” Thomas said as a follow up.
“Because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Then, I realized you don’t have any since your brain long ago faded to dust and your head is probably just full of cobwebs and crumpled up Chinese newspapers.”
“Where are my pills?” Thomas demanded.
“I had the Secret Service confiscate them, and I hope you need them to live. Next question!”
Bush turned off the TV and looked to Scott McClellan. “See, that’s how you handle a press conference, doughy.”
Scott stared. “Yes, sir.”
“Now get me a soda, bitch!”
Scott hurried off, and then the phone rang. “Hello, I’m President Bush,” President Bush answered.
“Hi, it’s Hamid Karzai.”
“Who?”
“You know, President of Afghanistan.”
Bush thought for a moment. “Oh yeah, I forgot all about that place with Iraq and all. How are things going? Do you need a new fluffy hat?”
“Things are good, President Bush. I just thought I’d check in to make sure American support is still there.”
“Anything new going on?”
“No… well, we are thinking of executing a man for converting to Christianity, but nothing too new.”
“Yeah, gotta watch those Christians. Nice talking to you.” Bush hung up the phone, took a drink of water, and then suddenly sprayed it all over his desk. “Executed for being a Christian!” Bush shouted, “I’m a Christian!” Bush picked up the phone and dialed a number. “Is this the State Department?”
“Yes, sir.”
“I hear they are thinking of executing someone in Afghanistan for being a Christian; are you guys doing anything about it?”
“We are familiar with the case about Abdul Rahman, but have decided not to do anything since that’s hard and stuff. You know, we really don’t like confronting other countries; sometimes that makes them mad.”
“You guys are useless!” Bush yelled.
“Pretty much; anyway, we’re in the middle of a poker game, so I’ll have to talk later.” The State Department then hung up.
“I’ll have to get someone who can do something,” Bush vowed. He then picked up the phone once more. “Operator, get me Buck.”
“Buck who?”
“Buck… the Marine!”

Buck was resting in his base when he was told he had a phone call. “Hello? …Yes, this is Buck… Buck the Marine, that is… Am I in Afghanistan now?” Buck looked around. “Well, there’s lots of sand and Muslims around, but that seems like all the places I’ve been lately. Hey, when can I come back to America? …No, Mr. President, no wars have been won by whining. I’m sorry. What do you want me to do? …That’s awful. Things really aren’t accommodating here for Christians. It’s quite hard to find a good church. I’ll check on this Rahman person… Yes, I can try some diplomacy, but I’ll have to look up what that word means first… Yes, I can share the definition with you when I look it up… No, I don’t want to buy any ports. Anyway, I’ll get to the mission.”

“Is it true you’re a Christian?”
“I am! I follow Jesus Christ!” Rahman answered.
“What’s wrong with Islam?” the inquisitor asked. “Don’t you like the ‘not getting executed’ part of being a Muslim?”
“There’s more to religion than not getting executed!” Rahman declared. “If Islam is so great, you wouldn’t have to threaten people with death!”
“He continues to blaspheme Islam!” the inquisitor shouted. “We’ll see how much you like your precious Jesus when you’re chopped to little pieces!”
“Ain’t no chopping going on!” Buck declared as he entered the room. “If you want to kill a Christian, then you try and kill me!”
“But you weren’t first a Muslim!” the inquisitor stated.
Buck looked at Rahman suspiciously. “Why were you a Muslim?”
“I never got a Bible when I was younger, but now I have one,” Rahman said, and held up his Bible.
“That looks like a Koran,” Buck remarked.
“That’s because it’s in Arabic, fool!” the inquisitor said.
Buck looked confused. “You can put Bibles in Arabic now?”
“Enough of this!” the inquisitor shouted. “It is obvious that Rahman is an unapologetic Christian and has rejected the great prophet Mohammed! He must die!”
“You wait a second here,” Buck declared. “I kill for’ners, and executing people for their religion is pretty foreign. You don’t want to cross me!”
“And what will you do, infidel?”

“A number of Afghans were beaten with an Arabic Bible by an unnamed Marine named Buck,” said the news anchor. “The State Department says they don’t plan on doing anything other than releasing a statement saying they don’t plan on doing anything. We’re still waiting for that statement.”
Bush turned from the TV to look at Laura. “With all the problems in the world, how does one decide where to start?”
Laura patted Bush on the head. “I always start with dusting the cabinets.”

Apparently Everyone Thinks Abortion Is Murder

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People who support abortion do everything they can to not actually talk about the issue. The most popular is using the word “choice” instead of ever saying “abortion.” Now, I see a lot of people charging that the only reason people are against abortion is because they want to control women (which allows them to just say, “Well, I don’t need to debate them; they’re just a bunch of women-haters.”). Kevin Drum, a liberal who usually approaches issues with some intelligence, has decided to be a nimrod about abortion and taken this now popular stance.
So the question is, if abortions supporters do so much mental gymnastics to avoid talking about or debating abortion, is that because they feel it’s murder and don’t want to talk about it?

Carnival Of Comedy Reminder

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On Thursday, March 23rd Steve The Pirate will be hosting Carnival of Comedy #47 at his self titled blog. It’s always “talk like a pirate day” when Steve is around.. Even when he’s not talking in the traditional pirate dialect, Steve’s still talking like a pirate because he IS a pirate.
Future Carnival Schedule:
Want to host? Email me at spacemonkey@imao.us with “Host Carnival Of Comedy” as the subject.
Want to enter? Go here, or here.