“Since it’s your millionth birthday today, I think I’ll let you ask a question, Helen,” President Bush said at his press conference.
“What were your real reasons for war?” Helen Thomas screeched.
“To be honest,” Bush stated, “I once took a look at your horrid visage, you shriveled old hag, and it became burned in my memory. I could neither eat nor sleep because of it, and I decided the only way I could get your corpse-face out of my head was to commit to a large scale war.”
“Why did you lie about your reasons for war?” Thomas said as a follow up.
“Because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Then, I realized you don’t have any since your brain long ago faded to dust and your head is probably just full of cobwebs and crumpled up Chinese newspapers.”
“Where are my pills?” Thomas demanded.
“I had the Secret Service confiscate them, and I hope you need them to live. Next question!”
Bush turned off the TV and looked to Scott McClellan. “See, that’s how you handle a press conference, doughy.”
Scott stared. “Yes, sir.”
“Now get me a soda, bitch!”
Scott hurried off, and then the phone rang. “Hello, I’m President Bush,” President Bush answered.
“Hi, it’s Hamid Karzai.”
“Who?”
“You know, President of Afghanistan.”
Bush thought for a moment. “Oh yeah, I forgot all about that place with Iraq and all. How are things going? Do you need a new fluffy hat?”
“Things are good, President Bush. I just thought I’d check in to make sure American support is still there.”
“Anything new going on?”
“No… well, we are thinking of executing a man for converting to Christianity, but nothing too new.”
“Yeah, gotta watch those Christians. Nice talking to you.” Bush hung up the phone, took a drink of water, and then suddenly sprayed it all over his desk. “Executed for being a Christian!” Bush shouted, “I’m a Christian!” Bush picked up the phone and dialed a number. “Is this the State Department?”
“Yes, sir.”
“I hear they are thinking of executing someone in Afghanistan for being a Christian; are you guys doing anything about it?”
“We are familiar with the case about Abdul Rahman, but have decided not to do anything since that’s hard and stuff. You know, we really don’t like confronting other countries; sometimes that makes them mad.”
“You guys are useless!” Bush yelled.
“Pretty much; anyway, we’re in the middle of a poker game, so I’ll have to talk later.” The State Department then hung up.
“I’ll have to get someone who can do something,” Bush vowed. He then picked up the phone once more. “Operator, get me Buck.”
“Buck who?”
“Buck… the Marine!”
Buck was resting in his base when he was told he had a phone call. “Hello? …Yes, this is Buck… Buck the Marine, that is… Am I in Afghanistan now?” Buck looked around. “Well, there’s lots of sand and Muslims around, but that seems like all the places I’ve been lately. Hey, when can I come back to America? …No, Mr. President, no wars have been won by whining. I’m sorry. What do you want me to do? …That’s awful. Things really aren’t accommodating here for Christians. It’s quite hard to find a good church. I’ll check on this Rahman person… Yes, I can try some diplomacy, but I’ll have to look up what that word means first… Yes, I can share the definition with you when I look it up… No, I don’t want to buy any ports. Anyway, I’ll get to the mission.”
“Is it true you’re a Christian?”
“I am! I follow Jesus Christ!” Rahman answered.
“What’s wrong with Islam?” the inquisitor asked. “Don’t you like the ‘not getting executed’ part of being a Muslim?”
“There’s more to religion than not getting executed!” Rahman declared. “If Islam is so great, you wouldn’t have to threaten people with death!”
“He continues to blaspheme Islam!” the inquisitor shouted. “We’ll see how much you like your precious Jesus when you’re chopped to little pieces!”
“Ain’t no chopping going on!” Buck declared as he entered the room. “If you want to kill a Christian, then you try and kill me!”
“But you weren’t first a Muslim!” the inquisitor stated.
Buck looked at Rahman suspiciously. “Why were you a Muslim?”
“I never got a Bible when I was younger, but now I have one,” Rahman said, and held up his Bible.
“That looks like a Koran,” Buck remarked.
“That’s because it’s in Arabic, fool!” the inquisitor said.
Buck looked confused. “You can put Bibles in Arabic now?”
“Enough of this!” the inquisitor shouted. “It is obvious that Rahman is an unapologetic Christian and has rejected the great prophet Mohammed! He must die!”
“You wait a second here,” Buck declared. “I kill for’ners, and executing people for their religion is pretty foreign. You don’t want to cross me!”
“And what will you do, infidel?”
“A number of Afghans were beaten with an Arabic Bible by an unnamed Marine named Buck,” said the news anchor. “The State Department says they don’t plan on doing anything other than releasing a statement saying they don’t plan on doing anything. We’re still waiting for that statement.”
Bush turned from the TV to look at Laura. “With all the problems in the world, how does one decide where to start?”
Laura patted Bush on the head. “I always start with dusting the cabinets.”
First!
Does this mean we will have to take Afganistan again for the Christians?
Yay! Buck the Marine! haven’t seen him for a while.
“cobwebs and crumpled up Chinese newspapers”
primitive embalming methods, but it does explain the old lady smell.
“an unnamed Marine named Buck”…?
A bit contradictory, no?
Great one, though.
AUGH!!! The conformation code down at the bottom starts with 666.
Have you been reading “An Army of Davids” again, Frank…?
“A number of Afghans were beaten with an Arabic Bible by an unnamed Marine named Buck.”
Haha. I like it. Please keep Buck the Marine active.
I got a request from the American Family Association asking me to use their form letter to email the president and ask him to intervene on behalf of Rahman. I added a blurb that suggested George send in a midnight swat team to go rescue this guy if he could and sent it on. I’m sure George will take it seriously. In the meantime, I heard Ross Perot has sent in mercenary teams to rescue people before. Maybe we could write him?
As usual Frank, your IMW was awesomely funny and I hope your Buck the Marine idea comes true.
I have gotten this far
“Buck who?”
“Buck… the Marine!”
and shouted “F yeah!”
*wipes tear
I miss Buck the marine
Money quote:
“I had the Secret Service confiscate them, and I hope you need them to live. Next question!”
LOL!
Thanks Frank. You ought to think about doing live-action IMW. It would be terrific.
be honest,” Bush stated, “I once took a look at your horrid visage, you shriveled old hag, and it became burned in my memory. I could neither eat nor sleep because of it, and I decided the only way I could get your corpse-face out of my head was to commit to a large scale war.”
Thats the funniest thing I’ve read in months. Helen was such a rude small minded little urchin yesterday during the press conference.
Too many money quotes…have to add this one:
Bush turned off the TV and looked to Scott McClellan. “See, that’s how you handle a press conference, doughy.”
Scott stared. “Yes, sir.”
“Now get me a soda, bitch!”
More Buck the Marine!!
Wait…
an unamed marine named Buck???
just five words for that post:
sofa king we todd ed
The rapture is coming soon! Stock up on ammo now.
Just in case (pause to make my case),Amen.
Thanks, Frank…I read this at work earlier, and it had me LOL so hysterically, I had to close the site before one of the lefty-nazis had the chance to look over my sholder and whine to HR about my being “socially insennnnnsitive”. Keep up the good work.
” I could neither eat nor sleep because of it, and I decided the only way I could get your corpse-face out of my head was to commit to a large scale war.”
I hear that Wolf Blitzer is recruting for an invasion of a small country after this interview today.
Raptureboy,
If the rapture is coming soon, why should I stock up on ammo? I don’t think Jesus will slow down and let me get some shots in on the way up. “Hey Jesus! I got two ducks at five thousand feet! Could ya rapture my dog after he picks ’em up? Them’s good eatin’ at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb!”
As for Helen, I think his last day in office, Bush should go totally
Foamy the Squirrel on her fossilized dust-farting visiage.
“Laura patted Bush on the head. “I always start with dusting the cabinets.”
Is this some kind of “hidden agenda message” about all the crap Bush has been getting about his cabinet lineup from the media?
Kent, your comment made me laugh. Mmmm… duck @ the Marriage Feast.
Buck on the phone to the president:
“Yes, I can share the definition (of diplomacy) with you when I look it up… No, I don’t want to buy any ports.”
Oh my goodness… I’m glad I have a private office.
Buck=Good.
Take the hints Frank, more Buck and Chomps
Roger, you pinned down the best part of this IMW.
Silverbubble,
Glad to help. Dinner sometime? I know a great restaurant with minimal buckshot in the appetizers…