Dick wants zap-zap box

Why is everyone all agog about Dick Cheney wanting the TV turned to Fox News among his list of demands when “Microwave” is on the list?
The man has a pacemaker, folks. Have we not seen the “Krusty Gets Framed” episode of The Simpsons?

Pickin’ on Pickler

So. I’m getting some sort of reputation for hatin’ on Kellie Pickler. Pee-shaw, y’all must be gettin’ me confused with someone else!!
I am the number one through four hits for Kellie Pickler hate club (go me!), 7 and 10 for Kellie Pickler tone deaf (suh-WEET!), and 1 through 3 for Kellie Pickler earsore (ahhhh yeeeeaaahhhh).
Last night, when Mr. F made her “What’s a ballsy?” remark and let America in on the joke that she’s an over-the-top-cartoon fake (Frank just kept saying, “She did not just say that” even though I replayed it for him 3 times), red said her immediate reaction was to wonder what my response would be.
And over at Hugh Hewitt, Mary Katharine says that I really, really don’t like Kellie Pickler. As if!
I’m just misunderstood. Really I am.
Ok, maybe not. “She’s a pale-faced mealy-mouthed ninny and I hate her!”

Reid My Incompetence

reid-monkey.jpg

Good Morning, America. (Except for you, President Bush. You make me sick.)

ABC News’ John R. Green (In case you’re wondering exactly who this guy is, ask him at john.r.green@abc.com) is apparently allergic to President Bush somehow.
In an email back in September 2004, he wrote:

“Are you watching this? Bush makes me sick. If he uses the ‘mixed messages’ line one more time, I’m going to puke.”

Now, in Green’s defense, one cannot immediately assume that when he wrote Bush it was refering to President Bush. After all, Barbara Bush sorta looks like George Washington these days, so it’s not uncommon for someone to mistake the veterable matron of our First Family’s dynasty for a man.
Then there’s the possibility that he was watching one of those Bush Baked Beans commercials. You know, where the guy tries to keep his dog Duke from divulging the family secret recipe for baked beans. But in that case, Green should have said “If he uses the ‘roll that beautiful bean footage’ line one more time” instead of what he said. Unless he had the sound turned down and the Closed Captioners were smoking crack that day, of course (It could happen)
One could also determine that Green meant to write Busch instead of Bush. Believe me, I’ve known plenty of executive producers, and their spelling leaves a lot to be desired. And if you’re drinking Busch at 11 in the morning like this guy would have been, yeah, it’s going to make you really sick no matter what you’re watching. Plus, you’re very likely to miss the C key on your keyboard when writing emails blitzed on Busch, let alone the urinal when you’re finished with that Busch beer at noon.
Now I’ve assuming here that the B is capitalized in Bush because it’s a proper name. But as we all know, assuming makes an ass out of you and Spacemonkey. So, since it comes at the start of a sentence, it could actually be just a bush. Lower-case b, the thing that God set on fire to spook the pants off of Moses (although it was a Burning Bush in that case… never mind)
If we follow this possibility, instead of “Bush makes me sick” it’s “bush makes me sick.” Like he’s fruity or something…
Nah. Gays in television? Perish the thought. Next thing you know, they’ll hire Jews.
Another meaning for bush is a sexual one, which suggests he was watching low-budget, crackwhore-on-midget pornography while at work. Hrm…
I’d just as well assume it’s the last example in this case, and you should to. After all, even though ABC News has biased and unashamed leftists like Mike Halperin on the payroll as a Political Director, ABC News’ decades-long reputation as the most-watched news source for Americans should speak for itself and allay any fears that there are biased and angry moonbats on the staff masquerading as television professionals. Especially now that their smug chainsmoking Canadian is dead.
This doesn’t quite explain the whole “mixed messages” phrase all that much, even though that phrase could be a turn-on if you say it in a deep, sultry voice…
And there you go. With all this in mind, if you come across titles such as “Mixed Messages In Bondage” or “Meaty Bouncy Mixed Messages” while shopping for pornography, I’d strongly suggest steering away from that title. Look for some kind of Seal Of Approval on the cover, or at least a random bodily fluid stain to show that someone approved of the contents.
This has been a public service message from your friend, Laurence Simon. NOW GO TO BED!

The UNHRC Membership Contest

Well, the good news is that the horribly corrupt and badly-implemented Commission on Human Rights (aka “Committee of Human Rights Violators”) at the United Nations has been abolished. Hooray.
The bad news is that it has been replaced with the equally-corrupt and badly-implemented United Nations Human Rights Council. Boo.
Since y’all have probably been on the edge of your seats with the 65 (since when has it been 65?) picks in March Madness, I figured that there’d be a good idea to hold a contest to predict the 47 nations you think will be on the new UNHRC.
Post your guesses in the comments. Winner will receive a custom set of M&M’s that say “I READ IMAO.US” Or something else that says IMAO if it’s much funnier, like “IMAO BITES.”
Okay, how about some rules?

  • One roster per person, and no changes once you’ve posted them.
  • If nobody gets all 47, then the roster with the most correct answers will win.
  • Ties will be resolved by a random drawing, because even I couldn’t understand the goofy system the World Baseball Classic used.
  • There is no entry fee, so if FrankJ hits you up for five bucks via PayPal for this thing I have no idea what he’s talking about. (I’m still getting 20%, right?)
  • In a fight between Aquaman and the United Nations Human Rights Commission, nobody wins.
  • “The Kingdom of Gondor” is not a country, you moron.
  • If you are allergic to candy or diabetic and die from eating these things, it’s your own darn fault. We’ll bury you with them, okay?
  • People who need more rules than these to handle a simple fun contest will be disqualified.

I originally considered holding a contest to predict who would be the target of their first resolution, but come on… isn’t that obvious?

I’m Beneficially Incompetent

Senator Harry Reid called Bush “dangerously incompetent” as opposed to Reid’s own much more innocuous “bumbling incompetence.” This may just be election year rhetoric, but there have been some evidence that Bush is indeed incompetent… incompetent to levels of dangerousness!
EVIDENCE OF BUSH’S DANGEROUS INCOMPETENCE
* Instead of a laser pointer for presentations, he uses the laser sight on a cocked .45.
* Lost the nuclear launch codes when Barney snatched them and ran off.
* Stores Drano in juice boxes in clear reach of children.
* Keeps losing the pins to his Presidential grenades.
* Usually spends his entire paycheck on lottery tickets.
* Every time he gets a hankering for a hunk of cheese, he ends up with a mousetrap on his hand… or his face.
* Never replace the roll of toilet paper.
* Almost had Greece obliterated because he thought he saw it move on a map.
* Suggested we could help calm Iraq by tainting the drinking water with LSD.
* When meeting new foreign dignitaries, he hugs just a little too hard.
* Tried to sell the Judicial Branch to Dubai.
* Has yet to eliminate his feeble opponents such as Harry Reid.
So, yeah, maybe Bush is a bit dangerously incompetent, but he’s still better than all the alternatives I’ve seen. Plus, he’s just so much fun!

Must… Get… More… Money…

In addition to the high quality shirts from ThoseShirts.com (BTW, the military slogan shirt is now shipping), we’re now starting a IMAO CafePress shop to offer t-shirt ideas that are more targeted (i.e. not as big a market for them) as the shirts from ThoseShirts.com plus other products. It’s under construction right now, and all that is availble for the moment is the Ronin logo shirt (with the nuke logo on the front). You can sign up for the newsletter to find out as we add more IMAO humor in merchandise form.
So, what kind of products are you guys looking for?
UPDATE: Chomps will return in CafePress form.

Fun Trivia

Why are children with conservative leanings more whiny in nursery school (according to a BS Berkeley study)?

Continue reading ‘Fun Trivia’ »