Why Glenn Reynolds Loves His Grandma

(A Filthy Lie)
While surfing Instapundit, I was stopped dead in my tracks by this line:

“I’ve been hanging out with my grandmother, and enjoying it.”

Odd. Outside of eating her chocolate chip cookies, I never enjoyed MY grandmother’s company. Although her habit of balancing her dentures on her nose, tossing them up in the air, and catching them in her mouth may have had something to do with it.
Anyway, turns out that there are two reasons Glenn enjoys visiting Granny so much.
First, she always takes him out hobo-hunting:

Look! It’s Nick Nolte! Let’s get ‘im!
Second, Elly May is totally freakin’ HOT!
Now before you go “EWWWW! She’s his cousin! That’s just WRONG!”, just be relieved that it’s not his sister.
Not that THAT matters in Tennessee.

IMAO Celebrity Blog Exclusive!!!

I am grateful to the people at the Huffington Post for setting a new standard for celebrity blogs. Below is an exclusive sneak preview -from top secret made up sources – of the next explosive celebrity post from Tom Cruise.
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tom.jpg
People have really started to get themselves worked up over this South Park thing. Did they fire, Isaac Hayes, the voice actor who played Chef, or didn’t they? Did Chef quit because South Park was too offensive?
Some critics defend South Park. They don’t know the history of South Park. I know the history of South Park. I’ve watched it many times. I even cried in that episode where Kenny died. But this time I have to say that the show has crossed the line: They mocked scientology!
I practice Scientology: As an advanced Thetan Z-28 Level One Clear(Celebrity Division) I can tell you the truth about our people. First, we are NOT a bunch of whackos. I can’t believe that South Park portrayed us as crazy people. When I watched that episode, it made me so angry that I I fell off my couch. Katie’s always telling me to quit jumping on the couches. This last fall really hurt. Normally when I fall off a couch I have a stuntman. .
But hey, I’m Tom. I can jump wherever I want. The other day, the studio set up a trampoline for me – in my trailer! Isn’t that great? They didn’t want me to bump my head so they installed a special ceiling – it was over 5 feet high!!
I didn’t like this episode so I threatened the studio. I told them that if they aired this piece of offensive garbage I would not be promoting Mission Impossible 3. They need me to promote this film. A movie is nothing unless I go on Jay Leno and jump on his couch. And just because they paid me millions of dollars to be in this movie in no way obligates me to be grateful. The movie itself is very exciting and you should go see it – or not – depending on how people treat me.
Mission Impossible is a great series. it always has me doing something impossible like saving the world, or breaking into the CIA, or finding the Democrats plan for America.
Lately people have been very insensitive to religion. Like those nasty portrayals of the Prophet Mohammed. I bet if Islam had a celebrity division, they’d be complaining left and right. Right now they have to defend their peaceful image by rioting and killing!
I’m here to say that I’m not crazy. Well, not THAT kind of crazy. But I’m crazy in LOVE I tell you. Hold on – I need to check in on my sweetheart, Katie. Do you need anything Katie darling?

Katie:…
Katie’s Handler: Niet. Katie – she need nothing. Katie she is fine.

Can I get you something to drink?

Katie:…
Katie’s Handler: Niet: Katie she is good. Good I say. You go back and
you do your talk talk thing.

So, that’s the deal. South Park is bad. . Make sure you go out and see my new movie. Unless somebody upsets me again in which case I say don’t see the movie. Instead, go to your post office and mail me your cash.
And don’t mess with me! Just a few more lessons and I’ll be able to materialize anywhere at will and I might know where you live!
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This has been an IMAO exclusive. Those of you who don’t practice Scientology may continue to laugh. Those of you who do practice may now report us to your authorities.

Gaaarrr! I Fergot To Make Me Post Fer The Carnival O’ Comedy!

It be posted at Steve the Pirate’s Blog as of yesterday.
I should be keelhauled for such forgetfulness. Aye, I should be.

Challenge: Destroy Laurence’s Brain

Right now, I’m listening to The Moon Song on an endless loop. This is after subjecting myself to My Cat Has Knees from the same site.
No. Really. Don’t go to those sites. You’ll only simmer in madness like a Fillet-o-Fish in a grillbasket.
In my Flash Songs folder, I’ve also got Patrick Moore Plays The Xylophone and These Badgers.
My hands shake. My brain throbs. My eyes must be bleeding.
I can no longer exist in this crippled state. Put your favorite brain-damaging Flash-based songs/videos in the comments and finish me off.

Good ‘Ole Rummy

Here’s a recent Pentagon briefing with Rumsfeld. I just knew the reporter was going to get it when he mentioned Maureen Dowd.

IMAO – The Store!

Well, I’ve been working on the new IMAO store (it’s pretty) and only have a few designs so far (including a couples idea from the lovely and talented SarahK). I plan to add a ton more over the weekend (including the return of the Chomps t-shirt).
One thing I like is the option to sign up for our newsletter. I always wanted a newsletter, as that would allow announcement stuff (like this post) to be kept off the main blog.
Expect the store to officially premiere next week. Until then, critique what’s there and suggest what products you’re looking for from IMAO.

Friday Catblogging

Since it’s Friday, I thought I’d spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka “I-MEOW”).
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I’m the only one of them stupid enough to Friday Catblog. Maybe they’re all super-smart or something. And pretty, too.
Anyway, it’s time for Frisky:


If you’re not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that “political humor” thing, it doesn’t. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is… um…
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday at Catcall, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

Fun Trivia

An old nursery school rhyme says:

To defeat Hillary’s curse,
simply quote a Bible verse.

So why didn’t Hillary Clinton burst into flames when she brought up Jesus in defense of illegal immigrants?

Continue reading ‘Fun Trivia’ »