I am grateful to the people at the Huffington Post for setting a new standard for celebrity blogs. Below is an exclusive sneak preview -from top secret made up sources – of the next explosive celebrity post from Tom Cruise.
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People have really started to get themselves worked up over this South Park thing. Did they fire, Isaac Hayes, the voice actor who played Chef, or didn’t they? Did Chef quit because South Park was too offensive?
Some critics defend South Park. They don’t know the history of South Park. I know the history of South Park. I’ve watched it many times. I even cried in that episode where Kenny died. But this time I have to say that the show has crossed the line: They mocked scientology!
I practice Scientology: As an advanced Thetan Z-28 Level One Clear(Celebrity Division) I can tell you the truth about our people. First, we are NOT a bunch of whackos. I can’t believe that South Park portrayed us as crazy people. When I watched that episode, it made me so angry that I I fell off my couch. Katie’s always telling me to quit jumping on the couches. This last fall really hurt. Normally when I fall off a couch I have a stuntman. .
But hey, I’m Tom. I can jump wherever I want. The other day, the studio set up a trampoline for me – in my trailer! Isn’t that great? They didn’t want me to bump my head so they installed a special ceiling – it was over 5 feet high!!
I didn’t like this episode so I threatened the studio. I told them that if they aired this piece of offensive garbage I would not be promoting Mission Impossible 3. They need me to promote this film. A movie is nothing unless I go on Jay Leno and jump on his couch. And just because they paid me millions of dollars to be in this movie in no way obligates me to be grateful. The movie itself is very exciting and you should go see it – or not – depending on how people treat me.
Mission Impossible is a great series. it always has me doing something impossible like saving the world, or breaking into the CIA, or finding the Democrats plan for America.
Lately people have been very insensitive to religion. Like those nasty portrayals of the Prophet Mohammed. I bet if Islam had a celebrity division, they’d be complaining left and right. Right now they have to defend their peaceful image by rioting and killing!
I’m here to say that I’m not crazy. Well, not THAT kind of crazy. But I’m crazy in LOVE I tell you. Hold on – I need to check in on my sweetheart, Katie. Do you need anything Katie darling?

Katie:…
Katie’s Handler: Niet. Katie – she need nothing. Katie she is fine.

Can I get you something to drink?

Katie:…
Katie’s Handler: Niet: Katie she is good. Good I say. You go back and
you do your talk talk thing.

So, that’s the deal. South Park is bad. . Make sure you go out and see my new movie. Unless somebody upsets me again in which case I say don’t see the movie. Instead, go to your post office and mail me your cash.
And don’t mess with me! Just a few more lessons and I’ll be able to materialize anywhere at will and I might know where you live!
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This has been an IMAO exclusive. Those of you who don’t practice Scientology may continue to laugh. Those of you who do practice may now report us to your authorities.