- Before I even had a chance to check my e-mail and get my first sip of coffee, I solved the problem for a circuit board that had us a banging our heads against the wall all yesterday. Man, I’m on like an engineering high right now.
- Wow, and my blog brought in over $3000 in revenue last month (by far, most of it the W2 shirt). I decided it was time to take down the donation buttons. Anyhoo, the news…
- Peterson was sentenced to death and will finally get his due… in twenty or thirty years. Wouldn’t it be cool if death sentence played out like this:
JUDGE: The defendant has been sentenced to death. Bailiff?
Bailiff pulls out a gun and shoots the defendant where he stands.
JUDGE: Next case!
- Getting your client sentenced to death… that can’t look good on a resume. Geragos might have to offer coupons to entice new clients.
- So Harry Reid – who hates black people – and Nancy Pelosi – who I think was just convicted of murder – support Tim Roemer – who I’ve never heard of – to head the DNC. Hopefully he’ll lead the DNC in a bold new direction, giving up this politics which they aren’t good at and instead forming a chain of waffle houses.
- So, it looks like Iran and Syria are backing terrorists in Iraq. Talk about getting behind the losing team; maybe they’ll be backing the Miami Dolphins in the future.
- The FCC is considering letting there be internet on Airplanes. It’s so sad, that, as soon as you get strapped into tons of metal and sent rocket through the air at 500mph, it’s like you’re back in the stone age.
- A missile defense test failed, but the failure was that it didn’t launch. So, who know, it might have hit the target. Can you prove otherwise?
- “Chemical” Ali is going to be the first Iraqi to face trial. I wonder if the prosecution will be able to call him “Chemical” Ali during the trial, or would that be considered unfairly influencing the jurors? Are nicknames always disallowed in trials?
“So, did you murder the victim, Murder’n Carl?” - CNN Headline: “Wife regrets man’s huge lottery win”
Further proof you just can’t please women, so don’t even try. - Senator McCain says he has “no confidence” in Rumsfeld. McCain then posed and smiled for all the cameras that followed him. In related news, Rumsfeld says he has “no mercy” for media whores.
- An attorney is having a fit that a judge is wearing a robe with the Ten Commandment written on it… but the case is about drunken driving. There’s like totally nothing in the Commandments about drinking and driving (and I checked all ten), so it’s safe to assume God approves of us getting sloshed.
- A jokester wore a bin Laden mask, wielded a pellet gun, and, surprisingly, got himself shot by a cab driver. Hey, that is funny.
- The incident was in Costa Rica, and the police didn’t even bother detaining the cab driver. So Costa Rica apparently is more advanced than England (and many areas in the U.S.) about recognizing and allowing rational thought and action in the area of self-defense.
- Keep voting for me in the blog category of the about.com 2004 Political Humor Awards. The contest right now is actually between me and Wonkette.
- There’s a book to give away in my contest today, and one more tomorrow (Right Wing News is still giving them out, too). Keep on your toes.
- The fun with headlines posts (one two) seem to be a big hit. I’ll keep picking out my favorites from previous posts and feature them along with a few more of my own. Then you have at it in the comments. Good job making me laugh, ronin.
Surely Not!!!
Primo
How does Wonkette even make it into the humor category?
Was she naked?
Third!
Man, thats the best ive done in a long time (since the liveblogging election night)
Internet on planes=porn on planes=a new definition of “the Mile-High Club”=I ain’t flying again.
Internet on planes=porn on planes=a new definition of “the Mile-High Club”=I ain’t flying again.
That’s something I don’t understand. (I know, I know … add it to the list.) There are very few people I can think of who simply MUST be connected to the outside world while on a 2-hour flight. None of them would fly commercial.
Now I can understand on, say, an 8 or 12 hour flight. That’s a bit different.
I guess About.com users have better taste – ScrappleFace is dead last.
Then again, there’s probably a lot of confused liberals who think “In My World” is bashing the current administration. About.com, I suspect, is left-leaning, considering there’s a special section for “Bush Humor” but not for “Kerry Humor”. I checked, and “Bush Humor” is not referring to Australian blogs from remote areas. Or lesbians.
I’m thinking someone at about.com has misinterpreted IMAO’s humor. IMAO (and Scrappleface) is surely far right of most of the rest of the nominees. But congrats Frank J., you’re burying your competition. You’re like 10 up on Wonkette, and the rest are sub 10%.
Frank, that site was so full of left-wing shit. Almost every one of those “humorous” websites was full of liberal garbage. How and why would you even want to win that contest? I’m sickened and angry now just from reading it. Jeez. I wrote a fairly long letter in response to the guys who ran one website. I think I’ll post it somewhere here. Then I’ll go read Harry Potter and calm myself to sleep.
Frank, that site was so full of left-wing shit. Almost every one of those “humorous” websites was full of liberal garbage. How and why would you even want to win that contest? I’m sickened and angry now just from reading it. Jeez. I wrote a fairly long letter in response to the guys who ran one website. I think I’ll post it somewhere here. Then I’ll go read Harry Potter and calm myself to sleep. I’ll never use About.com again. Christ; where’s it hosted out of, Greenwich f***ing Village?!
sorry about posting twice. It gave me an error message the first time.
Here’s a letter that I sent to that guy…if it’ll fit in this comments section, I hope…
In case you idiots weren’t paying attention, John Kerry promised several times during his campaign that he would increase the size of the military by over 40,000 soldiers. And he didn’t just say this on some random moment in the campaign trail; he said it multiple times in two of the three debates. Where exactly did you think that these troops were going to come from…maybe a clone army, like they had in Star Wars? Please. There will be no goddamn draft, and the reason that there won’t be is because Bush was re-elected, not in spite of it. Your “political experts” are nothing more than anti-Bush hacks spouting their opinions, and you act as if those opinions act as proof that your paranoid delusions will manifest themselves into reality. A “draft” of people with special skills is hardly on part with a Vietnam-style draft where people are actually sent into combat. And why is it that we are so tolerant of the inequality that exists in the military–why is it considered fair, in the minds of so many people, who also supposedly believe in equality of the sexes, that young men over 18 have to register for the draft, but young women shouldn’t have to? Are women too weak or gentle or fragile to fight alongside the big, strong boys? You hypocritical left-wing pigs really make me sick.
If the draft ever comes, I won’t run away from it. I’m not some Gen-X neo-hippie coward who shirks responsibility and the slightest hint of hard work. The Afghan War and the Second Gulf War were quite possibly the most just and noble wars that this country has ever fought–we have brought the hope for freedom and democracy to millions of people in the Middle East, and decades from now even the most pessimistic and cynical liberals out there will be forced to recognize that George W. Bush effected a turning-point in middle-eastern history. I’m proud that we toppled Saddam Hussein; I’m proud that we ousted the Taliban. I would have supported those wars even if 9/11 had never happened, because I believe it’s the job, the duty, and the responsibility of the United States, as the world’s only remaining superpower, to work to spread liberty, hope, and freedom around the world. It was a responsibility we by and large shirked during the disgraceful isolationism of the Clinton years. And the fact that we have turned around and finally started doing our job again for the first time in a decade has made me proud to be an American again…because doing what we’re doing now is what this country ultimately stands for. And if I were ever called upon to serve in a war whose goal was to topple another evil, violent, murderous dictator, whether it be in Iran, or North Korea, or Cuba, or Syria, or Libya, or anywhere else in the world where people are being massacred by the thousands while the civilized and moral liberal elite prosthelitize and turn a blind eye, I would proudly do so. Because I believe in freedom. And I don’t think it’s something just for Americans, or Europeans, or Christians, or the White Man alone. Freedom is for everybody, and people in the Middle East have been denied it for far too long.
But freedom is a concept that is both alien and irrelevant to people on the left. The only freedom you can conceive of is freedom from right and wrong, freedom from morals and values, freedom from having to work, freedom from having to think, freedom from having to do anything but sit on your asses and bitch about how your lives just aren’t perfect enough while you’re living in the land of milk and honey. When it comes to foreign policy you couldn’t give less of a shit about the freedom of people in other parts of the world; all you care about is peace. Even if it’s a “peace” where people are being tortured and thrown in mass graves by their own vicious leaders you would rather have that than any ugly, untidy little war…a war where a hundred thousand might die to save a hundred million…still, no…give peace a chance. Make LOVE, not war, and when the stench of rotting corpses becomes too pungent, just move to another meadow and keep singing kum-bay-ah. But don’t ever take off those rose-colored glasses or remove those headphones blasting John Lennon into the empty space behind your ears, or you might be unfortunate enough to witness the true horrors of the world around you. When women are beaten and hung from a tree for not wearing a burqa covering their entire face, when pro-democracy protestors are run over with tanks for speaking their mind and seeking a way of life better than totalitarianism, when enemies of the state are thrown into paper shredders after being forced to watch their wives, mothers, and daughters raped and killed by the dictator’s soldiers and thrown into mass graves…that’s not a time to get angry, or take action… What do we care about genocide and ethnic cleansing? Those are just things that happen in other countries, not here. War is NEVER the answer, especially not when you’re being confronted with true evil…but what is evil anyway, it’s all completely relative, is it not? Just hand it over to the United Nations, they’ll take care of everything, as they always do, as evidenced by such magnificent successes of theirs such as Rwanda, Somalia, Bosnia, and Kosovo. And by take care of everything we mean pass a few meaningless resolutions that they have no intention of backing up, while in the shadows doing deals with those dictators for oil and profit that are robbing the food right out of the mouths of starving children. Yes, let the global bureaucrats take care of all that unpleasant buisiness…like John Kerry says, it’s all such a nuisance anyway. Then we can all go back to smoking our bongs…I mean, er, our “peace pipes,” sorry….
You know another reason why a Kerry Presidency would have been more likely to produce a draft than a second Bush one, besides the obvious fact that Kerry wants to increase the size of the military, increase the number of troops in Iraq, and most likely increase our contingent in NATO and the UN Peacekeeping forces as Democrats love to do whenever their European masters tell them to? Because I think that if he were in office it would actually decrease the morale of the troops so much as to convince many of them not to re-enlist. Why don’t you stop trying to think for people who have a hell of a lot more balls and spirit than you do and ask the troops what they think of President Bush? The vast majority of them love him, because they know he loves them, and he believes in them, and he believes in their mission. Who would voluntarily choose to serve in an army whose commander-in-chief voted for the war but refused to give the soldiers the funding for the equipment they needed on the battlefield, and felt proud about his vote later on? Why would anyone want to serve in a war that the commander-in-chief says is the “wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time” (a line directly ripped from Howard Dean, by the way)? How could they trust a President who served in Vietnam but came home and threw his (or somebody else’s) over the White House lawn, falsely denounced all his fellow soldiers as savage war criminals, then went to Paris to unilaterally negotiate our surrender with our communist enemies? Why would they follow a President whose picture is hanging in a place of honor in a museum in Hanoi? And while we’re on the subject of John Kerry, it’s funny how you, like him, equate serving (according to all non-forged or Dan Rather-related accounts) honorably in the National Guard with draft-dodging; you could have expected most of the Guard to drop out or refuse to serve under a Kerry Administration too. Face it, you prick, the only way Kerry could ever have gotten anyone to fight for him is if he either bribed them or forced them.
George W. Bush is a strong and charismatic leader that 51% of the American people, including myself, love and admire. He’ll go down in history, despite the snide and contemptuous remarks and attitudes by members of the dying left-wing elite such as yourself, as one of our greatest, boldest, and most heroic presidents. They derided and mocked Ronald Reagan too…but his legacy still looms as large as any other great leader’s in history. He’s 10 times the President his father was, 100 times the leader that Clinton was, and 1000% the human being that any of you disgusting, isolationist, uncompassionate and disrespectful scum could ever even aspire to be. And don’t you ever suggest that Bush doesn’t understand what it means to defend America; he understands it a hell of a lot better than Clinton did, who maybe, if he hadn’t spent so much of his presidency trying to destroy our armed forces, might have left us with a decent enough fighting force that a draft wouldn’t even be a question. But this war isn’t even just about defending our country; it’s about defending others too, which is what we should have been doing now for a long, long time.
When the roots of terrorism in the Middle East have been eradicated, it can not and will not grow back again. When people are free, full, rich, and happy because of America, they will hardly have any reason to hate us any longer. And they won’t have any dictators filling their heads with propaganda and lies about us to fan the flames of that hatred either. Perhaps your failure to comprehend this is just another part of the Democratic dementia, the idea, drawn most obstensibly from the medical profession, that the best way to solve problems (like, for example, racism and poverty) is to get rid of the symptoms without really doing anything to address the causes. Finding remedies, not cures…the cure to terrorism is freedom, and Bush is distributing that out in hefty doses.
Maybe one day you will wake up and finally get it. Maybe once you all grow up you’ll finally realize that the man isn’t just starting wars; he’s remaking the world, in a way that will be better for everyone except the terrorists, Islamofascists, and of course left-wing hacks like yourself. We won’t have a draft because Bush will pull out of our thankless committments in Europe, close down our bases there, and move our troops stationed overseas to places where they will be more viable. Over time Bush’s leadership will cause the volunteer army to grow without the need of a draft as well, because there are people who are willing to follow this man, and who believe in his vision for a better world and a better future. If you don’t want to be a part of that future, then move to France where you belong, or somewhere else where you won’t have to hear any more evil warmongering Republicans talking about destroying terrorism and spreading freedom around the world when you know in your heart of hearts that appesement, apathy, and blind, isolationist pacifism is the answer. If you don’t want to care, do it somewhere else. America is not a land for the detached and self-absorbed.
Contemptuously,
AD
I’m probably pushing it now with this one, and Frank’s probably going to tell me to go get my own blog, but I’d really like somebody who cares to also read this short essay/email forward that I wrote yesterday. I derived it from a bunch of pissed-off text messages I sent my two best friends (one of whom is a left-leaning foreigner) in response to all the liberal shitheads out there who say they want to seceed from the union now that Bush has been re-elected and join Canada, or some nonsense like that. Here it goes:
In the days since the November 2 election, many liberals, dismayed by Democrat John Kerry’s defeat at the hands of President George W. Bush, have openly talked about secession from the Union and have made their disdain for the so-called “Red States” and people living in them abundantly clear.
Well as someone who lives in one of the Red States, I have a message for these liberal elitist big-city scum: no one is stopping you.
This isn’t like during the first Civil War, when fighting to keep the South in the Union was essential to preserving the Union’s existence and keeping America a strong, proud, and fruitful nation. God knows both sides have ultimately benefited greatly from that war; the South has become rich, prosperous, industrialized, modernized, and free since Republicans took control of it, and in return the South has saved this country from doom in both of the last two elections. On the contrary, this time, we’re only talking about a few relatively unimportant regions around the edges of the country, filled with degenerate, selfish, arrogant, and overall useless people. I dare say that the country would in fact be better off without them. The entire heartland of the America, as well as the entire Gulf Coast and more than half of the Atlantic, would stay. I don’t really see any great loss there.
So I hope that one day California does in fact seceed from the Union. I hope they break away so that once they’re no longer part of American soil we can bomb Michael Moore, Barbara Streisand, Sean Penn, and all the rest of those left-wing Hollywood pigs straight to hell, and thus send them right back to where they came from. San Francisco is almost too beautiful to destroy…maybe use a neutron bomb to exterminate all the hippies while keeping the Golden Gate Bridge, the Trans-America Pyramid, the Presidio, Lombard Street, the trolly system, and Alcatraz all intact. Hmm…Alcatraz…well there’s another, more humane option…though I imagine it would get pretty crowded…..
Actually, let me take that back just slightly: the eastern part of California, which voted for Bush, can stay. But San Francisco, Hollywood, and all the coastal areas do still need to go. Except for maybe San Diego, which is (comparitively speaking) a fairly conservative town. We do after all need some kind of port on the Pacific Ocean so we can hold on to Alaska, Guam, and American Samoa. And of course, maintain relations with our good friend, Australia. 😉
The same would have to happen in Washington and Oregon. The eastern parts could stay, but Seattle and Portland would need to go. Evil cities they are, the both of them, corrupting generally good, Republican-leaning states. Again, the western part of Washington can be re-named Columbia, after the river, so that we can keep our part named after the founder of our nation (who was from Virginia, another Red State). Oregon can just be split into an “East” and “West” part, similar to the Dakotas and the Carolinas, both of which we’re keeping as well. We might want to do something similar in southern Illinois, so that the entire state’s destiny will no longer be determined by the idiocy and ignorance of people living in Chicago.
New York, Massachusetts, and the rest of New England can feel free to go too. We can move the Statue of Liberty to Texas, possibly somewhere right in Houston harbor. And we’ll just build the 9/11 memorial somewhere where people actually remember what 9/11 was.
The Liberty Bell can always be moved to Atlanta, if we fail to hold on to Pennsylvania. Of course, it’s just Philadelphia that’s really the problem; most of the state would actually happily stay with the Union. So carve it in two like we did to California, Washington, Oregon, and Illinois and let everything west of the Susquehanna stay. Why should all Pennsylvanians be made to suffer and give up their country on behalf of a few insignificant fools living along the Delaware?
After that we can move our capital and some of our important monuments to Nashville, since Washington, D.C., more than 90% of which voted against freedom, against America, and against George W. Bush in the last election anyway, would now be too close to the border of a hostile alien nation to be our capital city. Its inhabitants can then rename the city Clinton, after their own beloved hero. In place of the Lincoln Memorial (which we’ll have ripped out and moved to maybe somewhere in Lincoln’s home state of Kentucky, or in that southen part of Illinois I mentioned), they can have a statue of him sitting in a chair, pants around his ankles, with a chunky intern in a beret on her hands and knees between his legs.
Meanwhile back in Tennessee we could make the Hermitage the new White House. However, the statue of Andrew Jackson would need to be torn down. He was too much of a monster to be memorialized in our capital city, not to mention the founder of the Democratic Party. Replace it with a statue of Ronald Reagan instead. Then we can do likewise on the $20 bill.
We can keep God, family, morals, patriotism, freedom, the Constitution, capitalism, the military, and oh yeah, ALL OUR FOOD, and with those I think we would be more than happy, content, and peaceful. Indeed, I think this country will be much better off without the corrupting influence of New York and Los Angeles, and all the superifical, materialistic, atheistic, vain, shallow, empty, selfish, immoral culture that people in those cities pollute the rest of the country and the world with through television, movies, the fashion industry, and popular music. Maybe then the terrorists will continue to target them, and leave the rest of us who haven’t done anything offensive alone. With John Kerry as their President, running their country from Boston, I think Bin Ladin should make quick work of the Blue State Republic. And after all the people there have been wiped out by terrorism, sexually transmitted diseases, and malnutrition, we can just move back in and re-colonize those territories, calling ourselves the Reunited States of America.
Until then the people in the Blue States can go dine on their own feces the way liberals love to, except for the models, who, not eating anyway and probably not wanting to get their hands and faces dirty with shit, can thus have the best of both worlds. If things get too rough out there though I do hope their beloved U.N. comes to the rescue and bails them out. Then again, look how well they did in Somalia, or Iraq….
So no, I have no fear of a Blue State Rebellion. It’s we in the Red States who believe in the Second Amendment that have all of the guns to defend ourselves anyway, so really, what do we have to fear from them? Sounds like a good plan to me. “JESUSLAND” forever, I say…….
I like my flag with the white and the blue, not just the red like the liberals do.
I actually made some changes to that before I sent it off as a mass email, but Frank’s already got S.M.I.T.E. pointed directly at my house as it is….
hey! i live on the California coast, and i voted for Bush! could you give me a few days warning before you launch the nukes? i promise i wont tell any liberals.
If you want to live, move to Bakersfield. That is your only option.
The death sentence means that Peterson’s life is now in the hands of the Terminator.