Archive of entries posted on 7th December 2004

Coming Up On IMAO…

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BTW, anyone listen to Real Rock 101.1 (local to the Orlando area)? The DJ on my drive home (Buckethead) was talking about fanny packs and how its considered gay for guys to wear them even though they’re useful. I called up to tell him that a lot of guys who wear fanny packs are actually concealing guns in them (it’s the holster reccomended by the retired police officer who taught my concealed-carry course). I also told him I don’t use that holster because it’s gay-looking. Anyway, I was just curious if I was on the radio or not.
Anyhoo, tomorrow on IMAO…
New Hate-Filled Lefty Comic!
New Editorial!
Another autographed book will be given away!
And more… including an announcement I think you IMAO fans will like.
Now keep voting for me! Close that gap!

Where We Are Now, And Where We Have to Go

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The meaningless prize must be mine!
Yesterday, I was almost a full percentage point ahead of Scrappleface in the Humor category of the 2004 Weblog Awards, but then James Taranto of Best of the Web decided to endorse Scrappleface to spite me, and now I stand 8.5% behind.
All is not lost. You can still vote every day until the 12th, and now I have the backing of Michelle Malkin who loves to defy the Wall Street Journal and got endorsed mentioned by Jonah Goldberg with hardly any coaxing on my part (my first son Jonah J. is sure as hell going to get made fun of at school). So continue to vote and we shall all triumph together.
ENDORSEMENTS:
For the Best of the Top 100 – 250 Blogs category, I’m switching my endorsement – with Harvey’s permission – from Bad Example to Meryl Yourish who has a chance of winning if we all push for her. She is a jooooo, so her winning will help the Zionist Conspiracy.
INDC Journal has my endorsement for Best New Blog.
The Flying Space Monkey has my endorsement for Best of the Top 500 – 1000 Blogs.
Blackfive has my endorsement for Best Military Blog.
Michelle Malkin has my endorsement for Best Media/Journalist Blog against the evil, evil Best of the Web. There is little chance of her winning now, but maybe we can at least rob Best of the Web of having a 50% mandate.
For Best Overall Blog, I now support NRO’s The Corner which has the God among men Jonah Goldberg (whom I have no plans to kidnap the dog of) and America’s favorite curmudgeon, John Derbyshire.
Bribes for more endorsements will still be considered.
UPDATE: That bastard Taranto mentioned Scrappleface and the contest again! He’s taunting me…
UPDATE 2: Despite that limey bastard Taranto’s further meddling, the gap between me and Scrapple face has close by one percentage point since I first posted this. Keep it up, crack smokers ronin!

The Truth About Taranto

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I was going to tell a filthy lie to defame Taranto for endorsing Scrappleface and sending unknowledgeable Best of the Web readers to vote for him like some Rock the Vote scam, but the truth I found was even more devastating. I looked on a map, and guess what I saw?
Taranto is in Canada! That’s right; Taranto must be a hideous, misshapen, inbred, nigh-retarded Canadian (apologies to all my Canadian readers). Like all Canadians, he lives by latching on to maple trees like a lamprey and sucking out the maple syrup (but not my Canadian readers; they’re not freaks). He mispronounces “about”, ends every sentence in “eh”, and only like Scrappleface because he tells jokes about hockey – the only thing Canadians understand (‘cept for my Canadian readers; they’re smart). Yes, Taranto is a freakish, dimwitted, filth-covered Canadian who fears rain as if it were an angry god (but all my Canadian readers are good chaps, really!).
The more important question, though, is why does the WSJ so want IMAO to lose in the Weblog Awards as to deploy their Best of the Web against it? Have they all shorted IMAO stock? Does IMAO have stock?
Or do they just fear my power? Whatever it is, they must be defeated! Vote IMAO everyday until the contest ends on December 12th and get everyone else to vote as well!

Seeing Unfrequently Asked Questions Would Be More Interesting

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So, now are you thinking about getting a speaker from Preimere Speakers Bureau? Start by looking at their Event Planning Tools. They have lots of information there, including an FAQ (which is really useful when the Frequently Asked Questions come with answers, too).
BTW, if you don’t win an autographed book for a post like this one, you can still buy them here. Great Christmas gifts for the right-wingers in your life.

Did I Ever Mention How Jonah Goldberg Is a God Among Men?

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Thank you, Jonah, for your grudging non-endorsement. Is there a columnist better than Jonah Goldberg? Well, none who uses Simpson references so well to make his point.
For new visitors who hate Michael Moore, check out this and this.
Plus, I have a cool contest going on from now until next Thursday.
BTW, when I said Jonah Goldberg hits kittens with bats, that was totally just a silly little joke.
Oh, and after you realize my comic genius, vote here.

Isn’t Michelle Malkin the Sweetest, Smartest, Most Lovely Person Ever?

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Techinically, my answer to that is no, SarahK, my T-Shirt Babe and now girlfriend, is. But Michelle is a close second.
Everyone do as she tells you. I may have fallen far behind yesterday, but voting doesn’t close until the 12th, so there is time to catch up.
Later, I’ll have a post about the evils of Taranto…
UPDATE: I should probably mention Michelle Malkin’s sale of autographed books with proceeds going to charity.

Bite-Sized Wisdom: December 7, 2004

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  • I went to National Review Online yesterday and noticed the orange banner and was like, “Dude, a little late with the Halloween decorations.” Ends up it’s to show support for the good guys in Ukraine. See, the only previous knowledge I have about orange and politics involves why my grandfather, Frank J. Sr., had to leave Ireland in such a rush.
  • Anyway, I tried to finally understand the Ukraine issue. It’s easy to understand from the perspective that America is good and likes good things and Putin is bad and likes bad things. We like that there is going to be a new vote, so a new vote is a good thing. That’s because we like… uh… Viktor. Wait, both the candidates are named Viktor and have long last names that begin in ‘y’. Still, I have it on good authority that they are two completely different people. And we like one – the good Viktor – while Putin favors another – the bad Viktor… who is bad. Hope that clears things up.
  • With Russia trying to hold on to its old Soviet Union partners and working on new nukes, could this be the reemergence of the Soviet Union and the Cold War? That would be so cool! It would be like one of those movies where you thought the bad guy was killed in the first, but somehow comes back at the beginning of the sequel. What would we subtitle this one?
    Cold War 2: Sub-Zero
    Cold War 2: The Freeze
    Cold War 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold
    Anyway, whatever it’s called, like all wars, it should be fun!
  • So Tommy Thompson warns of attacks on the food supply. What are we going to do now? Have armed Marines in the produce section? Some old lady going to be squeezing a cantaloupe to check if it’s fresh and find a Beretta 9mm pressed against her temple with the warning, “You’ve had enough time to tell whether that melon is ripe or not; now either buy it or back away!” That would be so funny… and, uh, wrong.
  • Al Qaeda took credit for an attack on a U.S. Consulate in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they killed a number of locals before getting killed or captured themselves. Gee, that sure taught us. Do you ever think a terrorist attack will be so botched that Al Qaeda will deny credit right away. Like if a truck rams into an American building and absolutely nothing happens. “Dude, that totally wasn’t us; Al Qaeda always wires its bombs properly as Allah wills. That must have been that other terrorists group… uh… Bud Qaeda.”
  • Bush won Ohio! Officially! Why is this news! I dunno! But hooray!
  • So it looks like some environmentalcases burned down homes under construction in Maryland. Seems like we keep getting more of this home grown terrorism. How do these groups recruit, anyway?

RECRUITER: Do you care about the environment?
KID: No, not really.
RECRUITER: Well… do you like to burn things?
KID: YEAH!
RERUITER: Then you have what it takes to be an environmentalist.

  • A Yemeni sheik said that Allah will bring great storms to America because of his arrest. A little late there, buddy. If you said that before the Florida hurricane season, though, you might have actually converted me.
    Did I remember to take down all the storm windows?
  • 532 alert readers e-mailed me about how the University of Pittsburgh (which is scarily near my alma mater Carnegie Mellon) cloned monkey embryos. Good job guys; you know there is a huge demand for more monkeys that look alike.
  • Now, you probably ask, will this research eventually lead to the future warned about in The Planet of Apes including the blowing up of the Statue of Liberty? According to my research, there are absolutely no scenarios in which this won’t.
  • BTW, I’m organizing a mob to storm the University of Pittsburgh. We’re going old-school, so stop at Ace Hardware and pick up a pitchfork or a torch. Instead of attacking wherever they did the monkey experiment, though, we’re going up against the Cathedral of Learning since it is much more ominous looking. Fun for the whole family!
  • In case you missed it, big contest going on! You keep checking IMAO and you win!