Do you know what’s the worst thing for me about traveling by airlines? It’s actually illegal to tell jokes. Think about that. Everything in this world – every sound, every color, every word – exists in my mind solely as object to play jokes off of. And what’s more parody-able than airline security? Yet I have to stand silent during these moronic procedings, holding back the witty comments that swell inside me, ready to burst. It’s like having to hold it after drinking seven beers in one sitting.
“Sir, please take off your shoes and put them through the x-ray.”
“But then you’ll find my bombs!”
“You’re not allowed to have this screwdriver attachment on your keychain.”
“But if I don’t have that one inch metal disk, how in the world am I supposed to kill everyone on board the aircraft?”
“Could you hand check this; I’m afraid the x-ray will mess up the altitude trigger.”
This ban on jokes predates 9/11, I believe. What was its purpose? Do they think that someone will eventually declare he’s bringing a bomb on board, so they don’t want people joking about to avoid the distraction? Or is this some sort of method of perserving solemnity for security screening as we walk barefoot through metal detectors?
Whatever the reason, I want my jokes back. You can take my guns, but, please, leave me my funny.

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
In a couple days, Christmas will be over, and it’ll be time to turn our attention to the NEXT great excessive-eating-and-drinking holiday – New Year’s Eve and/or Day (depending on what time it is) – hereinafter referred to as simply “New Year’s”.
So what is this holiday all about?
I’m glad you asked, because you’ve given me an excuse to post:

FUN FACTS ABOUT NEW YEAR’S
In a fight between Aquaman and New Year’s, Aquaman would actually get a few good licks in on Baby 2005 before being beaten to death by Old Man 2004’s cane.
Historically, the argument over the exact moment that the New Year should start has caused more wars than any other single issue. Damn you, International Date Line!
Terrorists celebrate New Year’s by screaming, “Die, American Pigs!” and being vaporized by air strikes.
Just as the Chinese have a cycle of years named after animals, the French name their years after various national odors, such as “dead fish”, “rotten eggs”, “bad hamburger”, “unwashed armpits”, “soiled underwear”, etc.
2005 is “poo”.
On New Year’s Day morning, most people wake up with the kind of hangovers normally experienced only by Sterno-drinking hobos and the Irish.
The Chinese celebrate New Year’s on February 9th, because the godless commie bastards are trying to start a war!
John Kerry can’t decide whether to celebrate New Year’s on January 1st or February 9th. Damn flip-waffler!
New Year’s used to be celebrated on July 4th up until 1776, when America stole that date for Independence Day in it’s very first act of unprovoked unilateral agression.
The Americans were going to steal oil, but it hadn’t been invented yet, and they had to steal SOMETHING.
Most New Year’s resolutions are broken within 5 days of being made, although Frank J.’s been having pretty good luck with his resolution to indenture a gang of servant bloggers to keep his site going whilst he frolics semi-nakedly with a buxom T-shirt babe.
The traditional American way to celebrate New Year’s is to wear funny hats and make obnoxious noises while milling about aimlessly. In France this is called “battle”.
Although Americans don’t usually end the night by surrendering en masse.
Except in Berkeley.
Eskimos used to celebrate New Year’s by clubbing baby harp seals to death. This brutal practice was outlawed in 1971 after an Eskimo killed Aquaman by mistake.
Consequently, today’s date is December 12,045th, 1971 in most Eskimo villages.
In the non-seal-clubbing parts of America, the changing of the year after December 31st is just a way for Bush to funnel cash into the pockets of all his Big Calendar cronies.
Who are all completely controlled by Halliburton.
And the JOOOOOOOS!
Rumor has it that SarahK’s New Year’s resolution is to trick Frank into wearing a “Cavity search me, I’m a terrorist” T-shirt through airport security.
Well, I hope that helps you make the transition between holidays. However, if you’re still stuck in the Christmas mood, I have three things for you.
1) Let’s refer to this one as the “1:30am karaoke version” of “Oh Holy Night”.
2) A sick and wrong re-lyricing of “Holly Jolly Christmas“.
3) An even sicker and wronger re-lyricing of “Here Comes Santa Claus“.
Those last two are completely without any redeeming social value whatsoever. If you choose to click on them, don’t come crying to me later about your shattered soul and lost innocence.
You’ve been warned.