[ A post by guest blogger RightWingDuck]
Who you calling Stingy?
When you first heard of this United Nation’s Twerp calling us stingy, you probably had one of 3 reactions.
“You’ll take our Buck Fifty and like it.”
“Who gives a crap what the United Nations thinks of us?”
“Are we paying your salary to ‘diss’ us, you ungrateful beyotch?”
Sure, the United Nations does a lot of good work. Like, um. Like supporting all those manufacturers of Blue helmets and meddlin’ in Saddam’s ass kicking! On the other hand, they are a very family oriented organization. Every day is Take Your Son to Work day, for Koffi that is — his son is skimming along nicely.
So while surfing I came across this post at Outside the Beltway. It has a chart showing the humanitarian aid given by different nations.
At first I thought, “Hey, we’re in ninth.” Then I looked at the numbers and realized that we gave craploads more money than anyone else. How could this be? Then is saw that it was humanitarian aid Per Capita. Actually, we gave less per day, per person than Norway.
My first reaction of course was to attack Norway. But that means dead Norwegees and that of course means their numbers per capita would only improve. That is so not fair!
Now, how can IMAO readers be such stingy MoFos?
Well, personally, I spend all my money on Frank J T-shirts and CD’s. Not the real stuff, that’s expensive. I bought the cheap knock offs they sell here in the Beverly Hills boutiques.
But there are a few ways to improve these numbers — dramatically.
My favorite solution is to declare yourself your own country and give more than the number one country. Norway donates 21 cents a day. Hmm, that comes out to (RWD takes off shoes and socks) about $76 a year.
First step, Declaration of Countryhood.
“I declare myself to be a free nation. Duck-o-stan. Newly liberated from the Peoples Republic of California.”
Then you can claim your rightful place on the list of generous countries.
“I gave more money than any other country. See, a receipt for $80.00. Give me recognition!!”
If they give you any guff, don’t be shy about using the amazing power of statistics.
“I received 100% of the vote!! I have a mandate. Listen to me and reward me generously.”
If they still balk, just try physical intimidation. Resistance should be minimal. Remember, the United Nations respects France.
“See this sharp pencil? I have more deadly firepower than any other country. Per capita — that is. Fear me!”
Note. Be careful no to bump into anyone. If you hurt them, technically, you would be responsible for more death and carnage than any other leader. This would be bad — but would also qualify you for the Nobel Peace Prize.
So. You have the option of making yourself number one. Hey, don’t any of you go getting the idea of giving more than $80. Are you trying to make me look stingy? Don’t make me shake my fist at you!
But, taking a look at this logically, I have to wonder if maybe the bottom line here isn’t an image issue.
Have we not been generous and respectful of the United Nations? Could that be why they don’t think very well of us?
Let’s ask ourselves some honest questions.
When you ask United Nations officials to carry your bags — do you tip them more than $1 a bag?
Do you tip them more than $1 total?
Have you ever asked a UN official “Can you please tell me what this document says?” and the document is in English?
Have you ever told Koffi, “Tell me where Osama is hiding and I’ll give you a nickel.”?
If so, then maybe we have to take a moment, look deep inside ourselves and –Ooooh, a nickel.
What was I saying?
Oh, yeah.
Screw the United Nations.
No. Wait. Oh, yeah. Tell me, how do you think we could improve the UN’s perception of the United States? Remember, we’re all assuming that we give a damn. But I thought it might be fun.
Note: I have posted my observations on the Tsunami disaster (and the world reaction) at RightWingDuck. Visit if you like.

I’d just like to reiterate what RightWingDuck said, and give you the link to the Command Post which has a ton of links for places to donate to to help victims of the tsunami. I know this isn’t the best time of year for giving (too much credit card debt), but still try to donate what you can. I’d like to add the Salvation Army to the Command Post list whom I’ll be making a donation to.

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
I was over at Susie of Practical Penumbra’s blog where she was complaining about parents who leave their children at her movie theater, unsupervised, and don’t pick them up until several hours after their movies end.
This is a problem.
However, as Isaac Newton once said, “for every problem, there is an equal and opposite solution.”
Yes, I have flunked a few physics exams in my day, why?
Anyway, here are my Top Ten solutions:

10 THINGS TO DO WHEN CHILDREN HANG OUT IN YOUR LOBBY TOO LONG
10. Start every sentence with “Back when I was your age…” until they cover their ears and run out the door, screaming about how you’re too old and you just don’t understand.
9. Sell them as slave labor & help bring Nike’s factories back to the good ol’ USA!
8. To keep them from running around & making a lot of noise, turn on the giant electromagnet you probably have installed in your ceiling, which will immediately hoist the little brats up by their piercings. Let ’em dangle there. It builds character.
7. Put on tiny sunglasses and a black raincoat. Walk around offering them a choice between a red and blue pill.
6. Use them to experiment with innovative new clown-car-packing techniques.
5. Tie them up with their iPod cords and toss the little bastards into the dumpster out back. Hopefully this will teach them not to purchase proper nouns that capitalize their second letters. Trendy little punks! shakes fist
4. Launch them into space and make them watch bad movies as part of an evil scientific experiment.
3. Don’t let them leave until they’ve worked up an entire Rocky Horror treatment for The Matrix. “We’ve got to find a phone” “CASTLES DON’T HAVE PHONES!*
2. Give them swords. Tell them “There can be only ONE!”
And the number one thing to do when children hang out in your lobby too long:
[looks at watch]
Aw crap. I gotta get to work.
Can I get a little help in the comments?