(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
I understand there was a ruckus at an airport recently, caused by something Frank J. did.
Poor SarahK.
If only Frank had been smarter, this whole thing could’ve been avoided.
As a public service to IMAO readers – because I fear that Frank’s ignorance may be contagious – I offer the following:
Flying was invented by the Montgolfier brothers in France, when they created the first balloon, which was inflated by hot air. However, after discovering the secret of inflating things with cooler air, they invented the inflatable girlfriend and eventually died as millionaires.
The flight data recorders in airplanes are called “black boxes” despite being orange. Similarly, the
ones in the movie of the same name were predominantly pink.
In a fight between a jet airplane and Aquaman… FWOOP…brbrbrbrbrb… [red fog]
The average commercial airliner weigh 199 tons, as does the average Michael Moore.
The average commercial airliner is 231 feel long. If all the commercial airliners in the world were lined up end-to-end, you would be at O’Hare.
In the comic strip “Peanuts”, Snoopy used to sit on his doghouse while pretending he was flying a Sopwith Camel and doing battle against the Red Baron. Rumor has it that Dan Rather frequently sat on the Bush National Guard memos while making airplane noises in attempt to make THOSE fly. They both ended up riddled with holes and screaming curses.
The first solo transatlantic flight was made by Charles Lindburgh, who landed in Paris, accepted the
French’s surrender, and promptly traded them to Germany for a pint of warm beer.
By 1939, German anger at being stuck with France (and screwed out of their precious warm beer) reached such a fever pitch of frothing hatred, that either that or Hitler’s megalomania caused WWII.
Monkeys – while an obvious menace to the human race for MANY reason – do NOT possess the power of flight, despite what you may have seen in Michael Moore’s documentary, “The Wizard of Oz”.
With the exception of a cow and a wooden rabbit, there was no actual “flying” in Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
“Flying” fish don’t actually fly, either, unless they’re being served as airline food.
“Flying” squirrels DO actually fly. Or so claim Boris and Natasha.
When people fall out of bed, they frequently dream about flying in the split second before they hit the floor. I wonder if there’s any significance to my dreams about shooting Britney Spears with a squirtgun?
Because commercial airliners fly in the uppermost reaches of the Earth’s atomsphere, passengers are exposed to 50 times the normal level of gamma radiation while flying. If you are Bruce Banner, do not fly.
Jerry Garcia was the lead singer for the Grateful Dead.
If you don’t know what that last item has to do with flying, then… Congratulations! You’re NOT a filthy hippie!
Some people question whether it’s worth the extra cost to fly First Class. Of COURSE it is! For the same reason you go careening onto a gravel shoulder at 90 mph to get around some Sunday driver creepin’ along at 70! Because it’s GOOD to be in front of other people! Me need be first NOW!
Flying Nuns are ok for short trips if you tune out the obligatory in-flight sermon.
If an airplane bites you, you will be forever cursed with the power of flight.
If you are forever cursed with the power of flight, don’t give it up to impress some chick like that idiot Superman. You never know when you may have to battle General Zod.
Avoid Flying Viking Kittens at all costs lest you be taken to a Gay Bar.
If you have a pathological fear of flying, the best way to overcome it is to take long, slow, deep breaths, say to yourself repeatedly, “It’s just like riding a bus”, then chicken out and go Greyhound.
After that smelly, homeless guy sits next to you on the bus, flying won’t seem nearly as scary anymore.
I know this because I’M the smelly, homeless guy, and I’ve cured thousands.
Although all airplanes have wings, not everything with wings can fly – for example: penguins, emus, and maxi-pads.
Bats are the only mammals that can fly. Batman – while technically a mammal – can’t fly without mechanical assistance. However, he IS the reason that Aquaman fought that jet airplane, so we should cut him a little slack.
Well, that should be enough to keep Frank out of any future trouble.
Meanwhile, if you’re looking for something else to read, I posted a sequel to my Fun Facts About Christmas guest post over at my place.