Yay! Mail! That’s how I learn to be better. Let’s see what Mike Massey has to say (f’ing turned to “wicky-wacky” for the sake of The Children™; actually, it still ain’t good for the children so you’ll have to click the “Read More” thingy):
Archive of entries posted on 1st December 2004
More to Come on IMAO
Thoughts from a Baby
My nerves can’t take this anymore; I need to get out of here. It so deceptively warm and comfortable in the womb… like they want me to fall asleep. But I can’t sleep… that’s when they come for me. I’m sure that a couple of time I felt some poking and prodding was them preparing the vacuum… sure of it! They were just waiting for me to go to sleep– but I was on to them! You won’t get me without a fight!
I’m so tired, though. I can’t keep alert like this forever. I can’t go on with this constant threat of death. Has it been nine months, yet? I want out! It’s felt like years–
Yes! It has been nine months! I can see the light! I’m getting out…
Wait! This could be one of those partial birth abortions! They’re going to suck my brains out, those bastards! Get your dirty hands off me!
No, I’m going out head first. They only do those feet first, I think. There, I’m partially out, but I got to get all out so they can’t kill me. Come on feet…
Yes! I’m born! You can’t kill me now, you @%$# bastards! I have legal protections now. I’m a person, you @%$# psychos! And…
No… is that Dutch they’re speaking? No, Lord, no. I’ve been born in the @%$# Netherlands! What does that doctor have in his hands? Is it something to euthanize me with?
When will the Sword of Damocles ever be removed from above my head?!
Question of the Day
Isn’t SarahK the cutest and the bestest t-shirt babe ever?
Look at this preview of some of her new modeling pics (I’ll be adding tons of new photos soon; I just got most of the important setting transferred to my new computer so I should be more productive at home as long as I’m not tempted to play Half Life 2… even though I just got the gravity gun!). I think they prove that SarahK the cutest and bestest t-shirt babe ever.
What do you think? (ANSWER: You think she is the cutest and bestest t-shirt babe ever… if you know what’s good for you! :: shakes fist::)
Oh yeah, I also bought Metroid Prime 2 and haven’t even touched that yet…
In My World: Why Canada?
“It is so great for you to come here and help forge friendly relations in Canada, eh.”
“Relations between Canada and America are very important to us,” Bush said as he squinted to at the man’s nametag. “…Prime Minister Paul Martin.”
“Now come and enjoy the vast culture of Canada,” Martin beckoned.
“Canada has a culture?”
Martin paused for a moment. “Sorta. Anyway, follow me to watch our Maple Leaf Dancers do the traditional maple leaf dance to worship the leaf that is the source of our power.”
“Cool. Head on without me and I’ll be there in a minute,” Bush told the Prime Minister. When Martin had left, Bush pulled out his cell phone. “I forget; why am I in Canada?”
“I don’t know,” Condoleezza Rice answered.
“But you are supposed to be my Secretary of State!”
“That’s still Colin Powell, dumbass.”
Martin peeked back in the room at Bush. “Come on! We’re drinking mugs of maple syrup, eh!”
“Yeah, I’ll be right there,” Bush said. When Martin left again, Bush dialed another number on his cell phone. “Hey, goober, why am I in Canada?”
“I dunno. It’s just a wasteland full of dumb crackers,” Powell answered, “We hadn’t even confirmed people lived there until just twenty years ago. I never said to go there.”
“If you didn’t, who did?”
“You have to come out, eh!” Martin said, peeking his head in the room again, “A moose wandered onto the field and we’re all staring at him, eh.”
“I’ll be there in a sec,” Bush said. Martin left once more and Bush used his phone again. “Rumsfeld, do you have secret plans to destroy Canada?”
“I have secret plans to destroy all countries… some not so secret.”
“But do you have extra special plans to destroy Canada?”
“No, they’re too close; fallout might hit us.”
“So you didn’t send me here as part of some attack idea?”
“Your actions have no bearing on my war plans,” Rumsfeld growled and then hung up.
“Two Canadians are fighting to the death with hockey sticks in the gladiatorial arena,” Martin called out, “You have to come, eh!”
Bush’s phone started ringing. “I have a call from my wife; I have to take this.” Bush answered the phone. “What is it, honey?”
“Did you pick up the non-low flush toilet from Canada?”
Bush slapped his forehead. “Oh yeah, that’s why I went to Canada. To think I held a conference with the prime minister and everything.”
“You did what?!” Laura exclaimed, “You dumb cracker! You were supposed to grab one of the toilets from the gray market in secret!”
“Don’t worry, honey; I’ll distract everyone and get out of this my usual way.”
“No! Not your usual…” Laura started to say as Bush hung up.
Bush looked around the room. “What to set on fire?”
“We’re going over all of Canada’s historic achievements,” Martin said as he ran in the room, “You should come! It will take less than a minute, eh.”
Prime Minister Paul Martin ran out into the crowd on fire and screaming. “Everyone look how your prime minister is on fire!” Bush called out, “Everyone pay attention to him and not to me…”
“How do you respond to charges that the President set Prime Minister Paul Martin on fire?” a reporter asked.
“People burst into flames all the time for no reason,” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan answered, “We have documentation to prove that.”
“What about reports that President Bush was seen crossing the America/Canada border carrying a toilet and laughing maniacally?”
“That’s crazy.”
“But you’re not denying it?”
“Any other questions?” Scott inquired, a bit flustered. He looked around the press and pointed to one reporter. “Brainiac, what’s your question.”
“What is the gestation period for a Malayan Tapir?”
“Uh… about 400 days,” Scott answered.
“Muh ha ha ha!” the evil robot laughed as he scribbled notes, “Soon I will know everything about this planet and then destroy it so the knowledge will be mine alone! Muh ha ha ha!”
Scott groaned. “Yes, we all know your nefarious plans, Brainiac. Any other questions?”
“Do you plan to leave this administration like many others are doing?” a reporter asked.
“No, I have no plans to leave and there are no suggestions that I should.”
“I think you should leave,” said another reporter to the nods of many others.
“I hate you guys,” Scott muttered to himself as he took out a candy bar.