Hello Readers,
This is Guestblogger RightWingDuck.
If you’ve been reading the news, you know that a huge cold spell is going to be sweeping across several parts of the country.
People, I understand cold. I live here in Pasadena California, and last night it got down to 62 degrees. It’s so cold that I might stop wearing shorts.
I thought, with my cold survival skills, I could probably save a lot of lives by sharing what I know.
So here we go.
RightWingDuck’s tips for handling a freezing spell.
Tip #1. Stay inside. It’s usually warmer inside. One of the biggest mistakes people make during a snow storm is to go outside. I find that most of the coldness is on the outside. Therefore, I recommend avoiding it whenever possible. Going outside during a snowstorm is like walking backwards in a horror movie- you’re just asking for trouble.
Tip # 2. Fire is your friend. It’s not just for collecting insurance money.
Start a fire in your fireplace. Don’t have one? Use a friend’s. If that doesn’t work, go to the local Kerry Edwards headquarters and burn it down. When they complain, accuse them of not caring about the poor and cold. When they relent, be sure to hit them up for loose change. I like winter.
Tip # 3. Avoid wearing shorts. That’s bad. Unless you have really nice legs, in which case, it would be worse not to share them with the world. Sometimes you have to use your own judgment.
Tip # 4. Contrary to popular opinion, booze will not help you stay warm. Um. I had a point, but I forgot. It must be the booze.
Tip #5.Tank tops look cool. But may not work in a freezing winter storm.
Tip #5. Booze will not help you stay warm, but it can help you lose track of time. During a snow storm that works out nicely since you may lose power and not have any clocks. Drinking in the dark during a snowstorm doesn’t make you an alcoholic. Or, at least, I don’t think so — I’ll have to check my Dr. Phil books.
Tip # 6. If you drive a convertible, make sure you put the top up. Snow and cold can ruin your seats and can keep you from hearing your stereo.
Tip #7. When it gets really cold, some white powder will come floating down. This is called (Looks at dictionary) — Snow.
Tip #8. Don’t eat the yellow snow. Believe me, it tastes awful and your friends will laugh at you.
Tip #9. If you see a bunch of white powder on a mirror, it’s probably just cocaine. That’s okay, I guess. (Note- Neither RWD nor IMAO advocate the use of cocaine for non-medical purposes)
Tip #10. Don’t sniff the yellow cocaine.
Tip #11. Sometimes making snowmen can be fun. This involves going outside. See tip #1.
Tip #12. Booze is good. Just don’t drink too much or you’ll wake up hungover lying next to a yellow snowman.
Tip #13. Mother Earth Magazine has great tips for staying warm while using little energy. Toss the magazine into the fireplace. Ahh. That’s better.
Tip # 14. Most of your body heat is lost through you head. Don’t stick your head out the windows.
Tip #15. Running your heater can drive up heating costs. Balance it out by turning off your fridge and putting some of your food outside. Have fun with it — can you say Beer-sicles?
There. I hope this piece of California advice has helped our readers in the Midwest. As you sit their freezing and watching the (looks at dictionary) snow pile up — remember that it’s best to stay warm.
But I’m sure you guys have much better ideas.
Tell us. Do YOU have any tips for handling a snowstorm?
PS. RWD has moved. I am now at www.rightwingduck.net.

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
From the looks of this post, I’m guessing Frank J. & SarahK have a “thing” going.
They might even be in love.
But it’s hard to tell, because so few people really understand what “love” is.
So, in an effort to shed some light on this baffling topic, I present:

FUN FACTS ABOUT LOVE
Love is one of a human being’s strongest needs, surpassed only by food and groin-kicking filthy hippies.
Love is like an unquenchable thirst, though it can be temporarily sated with fluids other than water.
The easiest way to tell if someone loves you is to tell them they have a nice ass. If they file a sexual harrassment suit, it’s love.
No, I’m NOT a lawyer. Why do you ask?
The best way to show someone you love them is by buying them expensive gifts. The poor are simply unworthy of love.
Michael Moore is, technically, poor.
Love is full of strange, confusing contradictions, and at times makes no sense whatsoever, yet it should not be confused with the UN, since love rarely involves oil-related scandals.
Despite what you may have been taught in school, love is more than just a few cigars and a stained blue dress
Love means never having to say you’re sorry, mostly because when you screw up, you will need to make a MUCH longer speech than that.
For best results, include bended-knee grovelling and a lot of diamonds.
I told you love wasn’t for the poor.
The French are reputed to be experts in love, mostly because it’s something they can surrender to.
You never know when love will strike, which makes it similar to terrorists. If you see love, shoot it, just to be safe.
Some people will need Viagra for this.
Some types of love are actually unhealthy. For example, if your love involves handcuffs, ostrich feathers, or spankings, it’s fine.
Love is a many-splendored thing, much like the diamond necklace you’ll be buying when you screw up.
Again – not for the poor.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it CAN buy love. Although I’ve found that the healthy kind usually costs a little extra.
Love was originally invented by Microsoft, thus explaining its chronic instability.
In a fight between love and Aquaman, love would conquer all, and Aquaman would confess his secret longing for King Neptune.
Long-lasting love can be achieved by filling out the on-line registration form and only using fully licensed versions. In the long run, pirated love will only bring misery, despite requiring fewer diamonds initially.
For more information on the ins and outs of love (which only SOUNDS dirty) see the Love Notes category at Bad Example. Those with delicate sensibilities are urged to think twice before choosing to view the comments.