Hello, RightWingDuck here,
and it’s time for those Predictions for 2005.
See, I’ve always been gifted with prophecy. This last election, I predicted that California would vote Democrat, that Utah would vote Republican, and that CNN would be publishing their voter guide – Reasons to Vote Kerry.
So without further delay, let me look into my crystal ball and share with you some of the exciting changes coming in 2005.
Tara Reid will walk the red carpet at an award show and be horribly embarrassed that her clothes stayed on.
Michael Moore will suffer a stroke and recover. He will be so excited about life that he’ll create a series of workout videos like Richard Simmons. The videos will feature occasional snippets of President Bush playing golf.
John Edwards will suffer from a very nasty chemical reaction from bad hair care products. He will then go on to endorse a new line of Hair Products called “Recount”.
Jessica Simpson and, uh — that other guy, will go through a divorce. Launching a new series for Jessica — the Divorcee.
Michael Jackson will regain his fame with the Broadway hit, Alexander the Great — the Musical! Kids will get in free.
Rock Group King Missile, who once performed the hit, Detachable Penis, will perform for the UN and create a new hit — Detachable Backbone.
Puppy Blender Glenn Reynolds will announce his love for Debbie Reynolds. Indeed.
In celebration, he will add another ‘n’ to his name.
Andrew Sullivan claims he will support Glenn-n but only if he will concede that Gay Marriage is good.
Sullivan will reveal to the world that he has a secret crush on Groundskeeper Willie.
P. Diddy, (formerly Puff Daddy) will change his name to Gotta P.
When people see him, they’ll be so excited they’ll do a little dance.
Koffi Annan will announce his retirement and start a small business in the Cayman Islands with his son. For some reason, a small percentage of his inventory will disappear each month.
“Koju, have you seen it?”
” No dad, I gotta go. I’m off to buy a new bike.”
Al Gore will meet with an embarrassing accident. While at a Lumber Company protest, he will be mistaken for a tree.
India will undergo a dramatic cultural revolution when they discover that Hamburgers are delicious.
Bill Clinton will star in a series of Infommercials. He will receive fame and fortune for his new line of stain removers.
The ACLU will file a suit against Santa Claus saying that his Naughty/Nice list is an extension of the Patriot Act.
A computer virus will strike the world’s computers — morphing them into full grown elephants.
This will be taken by Democrats as a sign of the apocalypse.
The four horsemen of the apocalypse will begin their ride. They will be promptly shot down by a Federal Air Marshall. Or we think, he will be very neatly dressed and not in any ‘official’ uniform.
The ACLU will sue the Air Marshall for denying the horsemen their civil rights.
It will be revealed that Aquaman can only swim by using those little arm floaties
Paris Hilton will be shunned by her family when she gets caught videotaping another sex scene — at a Holiday Inn!!
Panic will ensue in Paris, France when American tourists assume that there must be thousands of dead bodies everywhere. Turns out they were just confused by the smell.
Michael Moore will be attacked by a very jealous, very angry Richard Simmons.
Muslim Terrorist will overtake CNN and begin broadcasting. Three days later, the first viewer notices.
Five days later the first complaint is filed.
**
Okay Readers. Your turn.
What are your predictions for 2005?
BTW, RightWingDuck will be hosting its first ever caption contest. Make sure you drop bylater today. Prizes and everything.

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
One of my blogdaughters, Tammi of Road Warrior Survival, recently had her mother go to the emergency room. She’s ok, but she’s going to be in the hospital for a few days.
I’d like to send her prayers, but I’m religiously “none of the above”, and every time I try to pray, I get struck by lightning for my heathenly blaspheming.
So, I’ll have to do the next best thing and try to cheer her up with these:

FUN FACTS ABOUT HOSPITALS
Hospitals are large buildings full of sickly people and machines with flashy lights that go “ping”.
As are casinos.
The difference being that NOBODY leaves a hospital with more money than they came in with.
Unless they screwed the doctors over on a few games of 3 Card Monty.
If you’re not sure whether you’re in a casino or a hospital, light up a cigar and see if you get yelled at.
If you have a disease, you should immediately go to the hospital so that you can contract a more virulent one.
Not all buildings with doctors in them are hospitals. Some are golf course clubhouses.
Again, if you’re not sure, light up a cigar.
Michael Jackson is NOT a doctor. Don’t let him examine you!
For free.
If you’re in a hospital and your heart machine flatlines, try defibrillating yourself a few times before bugging the nurses. Nobody likes a hypochondriac.
In a fight between Aquaman and a hospital, the outcome would depend on the cunning and ferocity of Aquaman’s insurance company.
If a hospital bites you, you become one, after which you must let doctors inside of you, even if you aren’t getting a prostate exam.
Hospitals are required by law to treat everyone who comes through their doors, whether they have insurance or not. That’s why 90% of hospitals are surrounded by shark-infested moats.
The other 10% rely on minefields & barbed wire.
The most common ailments treated by hospitals are heart attacks, strokes, and shark bites.
The English word “hospital” comes from the French word hospitale, which means “we surrender”.
As do most French words.
Monkeys don’t use hospitals. If a monkey gets sick, its fellow tribe-monkeys turn on him and tear him apart while accusing elephants of causing the disease in the first place.
Much like Democrats.
The first hospitals were dank, run-down places where the sickly poor went to die. Modern hospitals are clean, efficient, well-lit places filled with cutting-edge medical technology, where the sickly poor go to die broke.
Doctors wear white coats to symbolize the purity of their souls, which are untouched by such human failings as sympathy, compassion, or mercy.
Wait… I was thinking of those bean-counting trolls in Accounts Receivable… Nevermind.
Traditional nurse’s garb consists of a short white dress, white stockings, and a tiny white cap, none of which serve any practical purpose other than enticing men who have a fetish for that sort of thing.
About which I know nothing, so don’t look at me like that.
Unless you’re wearing a nurse’s outfit.
Hospitals are full of sick people, and therefore must adhere to the highest standards of cleanliness and sanitation, which doesn’t explain why hospital janitors tend to make Groundskeeper Willie look like Mr. Rogers.
Every patient admitted to a hospital is given a backless gown called a “johnny”, the purpose of which is to allow easy removal for patient examinations and also to allow the hospital staff to indulge their chronic ass-fetishes.
About which I ALSO know nothing.
Anyone with video evidence to the contrary is cordially invited to shut the hell up!.
Not all hospitals are the same. Some specialize in particular areas of expertise, such as heart surgery or roulette.
Wait… I might be thinking of casinos…
[lights cigar]
Anyway, this should help comfort those with recent hospital experiences.
If you’d like to thank me, please post a picture of yourself wearing a nurse’s outfit in the comments.