(A Guest Post By Harvey of Bad Example)
By the way, is there a name for IMAO fans? I mean, Jimmy Buffet fans are “Parrot Heads”, Star Trek fans are “Trekkies”, and Michael Moore fans are “Assholes”. What would you call Frank J. fans? Frankensteins? Moon Nukers? Edgy loners who pretty much keep to themselves before they finally snap?
You guys work on that.
Anyway, whatever they’re called, I’m stealing Jeff Foxworthy’s schtick, and calling this one:
YOU MIGHT BE AN IMAO FAN
… if you’re afraid to leave a comment for fear it’ll reveal your whereabouts to evil ninjas.
…if you overheard someone mention Spock’s father’s name, and you immediately thought of the IMAO T-shirt babe.
Admit it, you don’t pronounce her last initial separately in your head, do you?
…if you’ve fought Aquaman and – like everyone except the French – pretty much kicked his wussy ass.
…if you were called on to recite a Bible verse in Sunday School and you quoted the Book of Tobit.
…if someone offered you a lime for your bottle of Corona beer and Rage Against the Machine songs started running through your head.
…if you support the troops in Iraq and you have the terrorist heads mounted on your wall to prove it.
…if, when you heard that soldier complaining about the lack of vehicle armor, you expected Rumsfeld to strangle the reporter who fed him the question.
…if you named your dog “Chomps”.
…if you named one of your children “Chomps”.
…if you’ve ever strangled a reporter and left a note blaming it on the Rumsfeld Strangler.
…if your bondage fantasies involve Melinda Hawkish and a microphone cord.
…if you believe that Canada will eventually be called “Canadada“.
…if you didn’t think it was funny that Frank didn’t win his own permalink contest.
…if you know what Frank’s last name is because you donated to his PayPal tip jar.
[notices blank stares] Ok, that one’s a “just me” thing. But you’d be surprised how reasonably priced a Permalink Contest victory is.
…if you’ve made a list of people for use in the initial calbration testing of the S.M.I.T.E. targeting system.
…especially if you posted that list on your blog in the hopes that Frank would link to you.
…if the only Bush cabinet members you know are the ones who’ve appeared in “In My World” episodes.
…if you have a Nuke the Moon tattoo.
…if your vocabulary consists solely of the words “Hmmm”, “Heh”, and “Indeed”.
Oops. Sorry… that’s an Instapundit reader.
…if you’ve ever been “First!”
…if you named one of your children “Frnak“.
…if you’ve joined the Marines SPECIFICALLY to defend Frank’s freedom of speech.
…if you bought a Colt 1991 to enhance your IMAO street cred.
…if you voted for Frank for Best Humor Blog and Meryl for Best of the Top 100 – 250 Blogs. If you didn’t, Aquaman will beat you up, ya little wussy.
By the way, if you vote for Meryl (who needs to start makin’ with the favors already), you get a free copy of “Learn Yiddish With Dick and Jane“.
…if you named one of your children “Ronin”.
…if you named ALL of your children “Ronin”.
…if you have an IMAO RSS feed to your pager so you can be “First!” when something new gets posted.
…if you know what IMAO actually stands for.
…if you don’t care what IMAO actually stands for, as long as Frank keeps posting new “In My World” episodes.
…if you know what the J. in “Frank J.” stands for.
Just kidding. Even Frank doesn’t know that one.
…if your biggest fear is the monkey menace.
…if you own 6 Nuke the Moon T-shirts, one for every day of the week.
What?… Isn’t Sunday “Naked Day” at YOUR house?
…if you didn’t laugh at any of these because you wanted Frank to think you missed him.

By the way, if that amused you, you might want to check out the King of the Blogs Tournament, run by Nick of Patriot Paradox, because I’ll be a judge there, and my blog reviews are legendary.
If you’re feeling particularly ballsy, you might even sign up to participate so that you can be a target of those reviews.
No such thing as bad publicity in the blogosphere.
Although Dan Rather may beg to differ.

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
Eskimos have 26 different words for “snow” because so much of their culture revolves around it.
How many words do you suppose the French have for “surrender”?

RightWingDuck settles in to his pond to read the newspaper when suddenly- his ALARM goes off. Oddly enough, it’s a duck phone from his Sports Illustrated subscription.
“Hello? – What? He posted a picture of himself doing what? OH The humanity. Oh the Humanity!!”
After having surfed IMAO RightWingDuck verifies that Frank has posted a picture more cruel than Babs and Teddy passed out drunk in a dirty alley with a copy of the Kama Sutra.
You can hear the screaming in the office buildings across Los Angeles. Screams such as..
“My eyes. My eyes.”
or
“I can’t feel my head. Help me. I can’t feel my head.”
Action must be taken.
There’s only one thing a Duck can do when faced with pictures of Frank sitting on a toilet (my eyes, my eyes). We must deploy – SarahK.
Here for your mental health are better pictures.

Blogging again from a Texas rest stop, and gotta make this quick since SarahK says we’re still running late.

We’re going to Fort Worth so that I can meet SarahK’s dad. I’ve been thinking of how I should approach this, and have decided on a strategy. When I get there and he reaches out to shake my hand, I’m going to brush it aside and stick my finger in his chest. I’ll tell him that I’m a man’s man and not to patronize me, and that he better not get any ideas about butting into my relationship with SarahK. THEN I’ll shake his hand, tell him my friends call me Buck, and send SarahK off to the kitchen to get us a couple ice cold Alamo beers. We’ll relax in front of the t.v. to watch the Hee Haw marathon, and by the end of the day he’ll treat me with the respect I deserve.
I think its a great plan. If you have any suggestions pass them on–I might need to stop at the rest area once more before we get there. SarahK made dinner for me last night, and, well, you know . . .
Gotta go, I need to hold SarahK’s purse while she’s in the can.

Esteemed Readers,
Yeah, you. Over there. yeah, I’m talking to you, doodie head. Oops. Sorry.
Have you voted today?
Did you know that you could vote each day for the best humor website?
Of course you didn’t -otherwise you’d be DOING IT!
Did I mention I’m also babysitting Chomps while Frank is away. You wouldn’t want to make him angry (Chomps – I mean).
A few days ago, I gave Frank J my official endorsement. It was one of the most moving posts I have ever written.
Let me just add this. Were it not for Frank …Um. Were it not for Frank… hmm.
Post in comments…
If it wasn’t for Frank…
Let’s see who can come up with some good stuff and let Frank know his impact on our lives.
Oh, and go vote already!

Blogging from a Texan rest stop, so I’ll make this quick since SarahK says we’re running late.
Anyhoo, this is the book giveaway post for Premiere Speakers Bureau. I wanted to say something ’bout the speakers, but I can’t think of much now. I just wonder if you pay to have Ann Coulter speak if she comes with the warning “First three rows will be verbally torn to shreds.”?
Well, I won’t get to e-mail the winner right away, but you’ll know who you are. Talk to y’all soon. Hope to have a big surprise for you after this weekend.

Are you getting tired of celebrating a Christian holiday? Getting tired of all that Christmas cheer?
All that can now change!
Lef-tel records is proud to present . . .

The Liberal Democrat Non Specific Holiday Music Special!!!
Now you too can enjoy these wonderful performers singing better versions of the popular holiday music you’ve grown to hate and resent. Yes, we’ve taken the classics and made them more politically relevant than ever!!!
So gather round the environmentally friendly, fuel efficient fireplace and sing along with these new classics — such as . . . John Kerry singing Two Red States

[Sung to All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth]
Every body stops
and stares at me
Those Electoral Votes
not enough you see
I don’t know just who
to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve
is as plain as it can be!
All I want for Christmas is just two red states
Two red States
Two red states..
[Classical Guitar Solo]
“I served in Vietnam, thank you. Thank you.”
“Can we edit some applause in there after the solo? No, why not? I served in ‘Nam!”
If you love Kerry, then you’ll love our own John Edwards when he sings . . . Rudolph the Differently-Abled Reindeer.

There must have been some merit
To the legal case they filed
Cuz when they took it to the court
Talk radio got all riled
Rudolph the differently-abled Reindeer
Was a genetically challenged soul
We don’t know who to blame
But it’s all the same
We’ll just sue the hospital –Hey!
But there’s more. Ted Kennedy Joins the Fun with I’ll Have a Blue Haunarama Kwansmas Without You . . .

Ted. Ted? You’re on. Geeze, Just how drunk is he? Uh, we’ll come back to Kennedy.
(Off camera – Can somebody help that man?)
Uh, oh yeah,
Plus we’ll have a special duet from the Reverends Sharpton and Jackson. with Frosty the Oppressive White Snowman . . .

Frosty the Oppressive White Snowman,
Was a jolly happy soul,
With great big house, and a real fast car
and a great big bank account
Frosty the Snowman is a working man they say
It doesn’t show, but we all know
He made his money off the poor
Rosie O’Donnel joins in with a very special message of tolerance: I Saw Mommy Kissing Mrs. Clause . . .

I saw mommy kissing Mrs. Clause
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep;
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep.
Then, I saw Mommy tickle Mrs. Claus
Underneath her shirt so white;
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If my other mom had seen
Mommy kissing Mrs. Claus last night.
Plus, Rosie sings a more human version of Come All Ye Faithful
Come homosexuals
Come out and get married
Forget about laws, and rules, and
Do what you want . . .
Plus. Oh, Here we go. Plus Ted Kennedy sings I’ll Have a Blue Haunarama Kwansmas Without You . . .

Ah Crap. Somebody roll him off the set please.
Okay.
Plus, the whole gang sings a song of encouragement to the Supreme Court Justices with Puh-leeze Never Die . . .

[sung to Feliz Navidad]
Puh-leeze Never Die
Puh-leeze Never Die
Puh-leeze Never Die
They’ll replace you with a Christian
So please don’t die
I want to wish you a lengthy lifespan
I want to wish you a lengthy lifespan
I want to wish you a lengthy lifespan
From the bottom of my heart
Plus you’ll enjoy other classics such as–
I’m dreaming of a racially diverse Christmas.
Little Town of Bethlehem withdraw from Palestine.
And the all time classic . . .
Grandma got run over by an SUV
Order now.
Price based on income. The rich must always pay more than their fair share. Sorry, no sales to Republicans.
So please post comments. This commercial was produced by RightWingDuck and
Sir Kisser
Which songs would you like to see performed on the follow up album?