Archive of entries posted by Frank J
Merry Christmas from Idaho-ho-ho
Sorry for the light posting. I’ve been extremely busy the last few days. Early Thursday, I hit the beach to work on my tan. I didn’t want to look lily white when I got off the plane in Idaho to spend Christmas with my family. I don’t mean to be immodest, but I think you could bounce a quarter off that rear-end.
Later Thursday my friend Bryce and I went to a cattle call audition for the part of Baby New Year 2005 in Disney World’s big New Year’s Eve celebration. I hadn’t noticed on the call sheet that they were only looking for boys between the ages of 3 and 5, so it was mostly a wasted trip. But we did get to show off our costumes at a friend’s boardwalk caberet–the Sex on the Beach was great.
I flew up north Thursday afternoon–luckily Air Idaho has service out of Orlando with short stops in Birmingham and Tupelo.
My Pops was waiting for me at the Boise International Airport. He happened to be in town to pick up some transistors, wire and blasting caps. I guess he’s what you would call a professional hobbyist. He has sent out plenty of working models of his designs, but so far there has been little interest. He’s working on a novel–I can’t wait to read it.
My pops and I drove for about 4 hours from Boise until we got to my home town, Hayden Lake, Idaho. There is a main-trunk highway between the cities, but we prefer to stick to the back roads.
My parents live in a cabin about 5 miles NE of Hayden Lake. I think technically the cabin is built on national forest land, but we haven’t had any trouble with park rangers since one of them went missing in the mountains behind our house.
By late Thursday night, the whole clan had made it to the cabin. Here is the latest family pic. Back row from left to right are my brother Skip, my dad Ted, my mom Droopie and me. Front row from left to right are my sister Mary Ann, my grandpa Frank Sr., my grandma Frau Helga, and inserted is a picture of my sister Katie Joe, who is serving a 2-5 year sentence for check forgery at the Idaho Institute for the Criminally Insane.
I’ve been having a great time since getting home. This morning I puttered around my Dad’s shop, and made a few local deliveries for him.
In the afternoon we did some arts and crafts, and got out the printing press to run off some more custom currency. Most people don’t know that the global economy is on the brink of collapse due to tinkering in the world markets by the Trilateral Commission, the Freemasons, the Knights Templar and the Mossad. Unlike the American dollar, my currency is secured by a large stockpile of gold and silver bars buried in my back yard. My currency can be used in the IMAO store and any store of an Alliance member. Just print off a couple sheets and send it in with your order. We haven’t produced any coinage yet, so please round up.
I spent Friday afternoon in our radio shack. I’m trying to intercept high band radio beams being bounced off Syncom 3, the first stationary earth satellite launched in 1964 to telecast the 1964 Olympic Games from Tokyo. NASA will tell you that Syncom 3 burned up in the atmosphere 1977, but I have information that it is still in orbit and operational. A CIA black ops division has been using it to broadcast mind control beams
When Friday night rolled in, it was time to start the Christmas Eve festivities! While Mary Ann decorated the tree, the men got out our old barbershop quartet uniforms. We were regularly doing gigs before I went off to college, but we could never secure a recording contract. We’re looking to go back out on the road, and need a new name–any suggestions? Anyway, Merry Christmas and all, and I’ll return to normal posting on Monday.
Yyyyyoooooouuuuucccchhhhhhhhh!
Multitasking
Blogging again from a Texas rest stop, and gotta make this quick since SarahK says we’re still running late.
We’re going to Fort Worth so that I can meet SarahK’s dad. I’ve been thinking of how I should approach this, and have decided on a strategy. When I get there and he reaches out to shake my hand, I’m going to brush it aside and stick my finger in his chest. I’ll tell him that I’m a man’s man and not to patronize me, and that he better not get any ideas about butting into my relationship with SarahK. THEN I’ll shake his hand, tell him my friends call me Buck, and send SarahK off to the kitchen to get us a couple ice cold Alamo beers. We’ll relax in front of the t.v. to watch the Hee Haw marathon, and by the end of the day he’ll treat me with the respect I deserve.
I think its a great plan. If you have any suggestions pass them on–I might need to stop at the rest area once more before we get there. SarahK made dinner for me last night, and, well, you know . . .
Gotta go, I need to hold SarahK’s purse while she’s in the can.
New from Lef-Tel Records . . .
Are you getting tired of celebrating a Christian holiday? Getting tired of all that Christmas cheer?
All that can now change!
Lef-tel records is proud to present . . .
The Liberal Democrat Non Specific Holiday Music Special!!!
Now you too can enjoy these wonderful performers singing better versions of the popular holiday music you’ve grown to hate and resent. Yes, we’ve taken the classics and made them more politically relevant than ever!!!
So gather round the environmentally friendly, fuel efficient fireplace and sing along with these new classics — such as . . . John Kerry singing Two Red States
[Sung to All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth]
Every body stops
and stares at me
Those Electoral Votes
not enough you see
I don’t know just who
to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve
is as plain as it can be!
All I want for Christmas is just two red states
Two red States
Two red states..
[Classical Guitar Solo]
“I served in Vietnam, thank you. Thank you.”
“Can we edit some applause in there after the solo? No, why not? I served in ‘Nam!”
If you love Kerry, then you’ll love our own John Edwards when he sings . . . Rudolph the Differently-Abled Reindeer.
There must have been some merit
To the legal case they filed
Cuz when they took it to the court
Talk radio got all riled
Rudolph the differently-abled Reindeer
Was a genetically challenged soul
We don’t know who to blame
But it’s all the same
We’ll just sue the hospital –Hey!
But there’s more. Ted Kennedy Joins the Fun with I’ll Have a Blue Haunarama Kwansmas Without You . . .
Ted. Ted? You’re on. Geeze, Just how drunk is he? Uh, we’ll come back to Kennedy.
(Off camera – Can somebody help that man?)
Uh, oh yeah,
Plus we’ll have a special duet from the Reverends Sharpton and Jackson. with Frosty the Oppressive White Snowman . . .
Frosty the Oppressive White Snowman,
Was a jolly happy soul,
With great big house, and a real fast car
and a great big bank account
Frosty the Snowman is a working man they say
It doesn’t show, but we all know
He made his money off the poor
Rosie O’Donnel joins in with a very special message of tolerance: I Saw Mommy Kissing Mrs. Clause . . .
I saw mommy kissing Mrs. Clause
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep;
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep.
Then, I saw Mommy tickle Mrs. Claus
Underneath her shirt so white;
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If my other mom had seen
Mommy kissing Mrs. Claus last night.
Plus, Rosie sings a more human version of Come All Ye Faithful
Come homosexuals
Come out and get married
Forget about laws, and rules, and
Do what you want . . .
Plus. Oh, Here we go. Plus Ted Kennedy sings I’ll Have a Blue Haunarama Kwansmas Without You . . .
Ah Crap. Somebody roll him off the set please.
Okay.
Plus, the whole gang sings a song of encouragement to the Supreme Court Justices with Puh-leeze Never Die . . .
[sung to Feliz Navidad]
Puh-leeze Never Die
Puh-leeze Never Die
Puh-leeze Never Die
They’ll replace you with a Christian
So please don’t die
I want to wish you a lengthy lifespan
I want to wish you a lengthy lifespan
I want to wish you a lengthy lifespan
From the bottom of my heart
Plus you’ll enjoy other classics such as–
I’m dreaming of a racially diverse Christmas.
Little Town of Bethlehem withdraw from Palestine.
And the all time classic . . .
Grandma got run over by an SUV
Order now.
Price based on income. The rich must always pay more than their fair share. Sorry, no sales to Republicans.
So please post comments. This commercial was produced by RightWingDuck and
Sir Kisser
Which songs would you like to see performed on the follow up album?
News of the day
I’m one of the people FrankJ asked to guest blog while he is in Texas holding sarahk’s purse. Here goes . . .
* Cool. Both the Curse of the Bambino and the Spinal Tap Drummer Curse were done away with in the same year.
* I guess we won’t need that puppy stem cell blender after all. I call for an immediate cessation to all puppy blending research activities.
* Did you know that native peoples in the Western Hemisphere were barbarians, many of whom performed human sacrifices and were warlike and brutal? Well, I did because I grew up when they actually taught history in school. Since then, a touchy-feely idea has emerged that the native people’s had a utopia that white men disrupted. Contrary to popular current belief the natives weren’t trading wampum for peace pipes, fairy dust and sunshiny days. They were just like any other barbarian race–primitive, blood-thirsty and a hindrance to progress. I don’t weep for the lost native culture any more than I do for the extinction of the Visigoths, or the mass unemployment of blacksmiths and town heralds.
* Was your driveway filled with heavy snow during the last blizzard? Did your basement flood in the last storm? Did you ruin your dress shoes in a mud puddle? Well then, call 1-800-IAM SCUM because IT’S TIME TO SUE IN WORLD COURT! We’ll sue the neighbor across the street who burnt leaves last month. We’ll sue the guy on the other side of town driving around in a rusted out 1972 Ford LTD. We’ll sue the local plant where you work because it burns coal to make electricity. Sure, you’ll be out of a job and play a part in destroying the global economy, but you’ll get your nuisance suit settlement check.
* It can’t be a coincidence that on the same day the Vatican announced that it will hold a special “theoretical and practical course for Roman Catholic priests on Satanism and exorcism,” that Air America signed a new
two year contract with Franken. “Do you renounce Franken and all the spiritual forces of wickedness that rebel against God?”
* You can imagine my surprise, when my wife brought home a brutal snuff film from Blockbuster today.
* It’s a sad day when you can’t even peruse a porno magazine with an underage kid without wiping it (the magazine) down for
prints afterwards.
* You just know that Slick Willy is dying to try out his new pick up line at the New Years Eve party being held at his trailer house in the sky in Little Rock. He’s been practicing non-stop in the mirror: “You know ::biting lip:: 2005 is the year of the Cock.”
* I wonder if detecting “radioactive dirty bombs” counts against your minutes, and if so, do terrorists have a better chance of smuggling such a bomb into a major metropolitan area on a weekday during business hours when bomb detecting minutes are at a premium?
* Adding insult to injury. Don’t computer nerds have enough working against their procreation as it is?
* “Hi, welcome to KFC, may I take your order.”
“I would like a 3 piece meal, extra mutant, and a medium Hi-C.”
* Getting ready for a blind date: clean new shirt–check, cologne–check, flowers–check, cash from the ATM–check, Daniel kitten puppet–check?