[ A post by guest blogger RightWingDuck]
Who you calling Stingy?
When you first heard of this United Nation’s Twerp calling us stingy, you probably had one of 3 reactions.
“You’ll take our Buck Fifty and like it.”
“Who gives a crap what the United Nations thinks of us?”
“Are we paying your salary to ‘diss’ us, you ungrateful beyotch?”
Sure, the United Nations does a lot of good work. Like, um. Like supporting all those manufacturers of Blue helmets and meddlin’ in Saddam’s ass kicking! On the other hand, they are a very family oriented organization. Every day is Take Your Son to Work day, for Koffi that is — his son is skimming along nicely.
So while surfing I came across this post at Outside the Beltway. It has a chart showing the humanitarian aid given by different nations.
At first I thought, “Hey, we’re in ninth.” Then I looked at the numbers and realized that we gave craploads more money than anyone else. How could this be? Then is saw that it was humanitarian aid Per Capita. Actually, we gave less per day, per person than Norway.
My first reaction of course was to attack Norway. But that means dead Norwegees and that of course means their numbers per capita would only improve. That is so not fair!
Now, how can IMAO readers be such stingy MoFos?
Well, personally, I spend all my money on Frank J T-shirts and CD’s. Not the real stuff, that’s expensive. I bought the cheap knock offs they sell here in the Beverly Hills boutiques.
But there are a few ways to improve these numbers — dramatically.
My favorite solution is to declare yourself your own country and give more than the number one country. Norway donates 21 cents a day. Hmm, that comes out to (RWD takes off shoes and socks) about $76 a year.
First step, Declaration of Countryhood.
“I declare myself to be a free nation. Duck-o-stan. Newly liberated from the Peoples Republic of California.”
Then you can claim your rightful place on the list of generous countries.
“I gave more money than any other country. See, a receipt for $80.00. Give me recognition!!”
If they give you any guff, don’t be shy about using the amazing power of statistics.
“I received 100% of the vote!! I have a mandate. Listen to me and reward me generously.”
If they still balk, just try physical intimidation. Resistance should be minimal. Remember, the United Nations respects France.
“See this sharp pencil? I have more deadly firepower than any other country. Per capita — that is. Fear me!”
Note. Be careful no to bump into anyone. If you hurt them, technically, you would be responsible for more death and carnage than any other leader. This would be bad — but would also qualify you for the Nobel Peace Prize.
So. You have the option of making yourself number one. Hey, don’t any of you go getting the idea of giving more than $80. Are you trying to make me look stingy? Don’t make me shake my fist at you!
But, taking a look at this logically, I have to wonder if maybe the bottom line here isn’t an image issue.
Have we not been generous and respectful of the United Nations? Could that be why they don’t think very well of us?
Let’s ask ourselves some honest questions.
When you ask United Nations officials to carry your bags — do you tip them more than $1 a bag?
Do you tip them more than $1 total?
Have you ever asked a UN official “Can you please tell me what this document says?” and the document is in English?
Have you ever told Koffi, “Tell me where Osama is hiding and I’ll give you a nickel.”?
If so, then maybe we have to take a moment, look deep inside ourselves and –Ooooh, a nickel.
What was I saying?
Oh, yeah.
Screw the United Nations.
No. Wait. Oh, yeah. Tell me, how do you think we could improve the UN’s perception of the United States? Remember, we’re all assuming that we give a damn. But I thought it might be fun.
Note: I have posted my observations on the Tsunami disaster (and the world reaction) at RightWingDuck. Visit if you like.
Destroy the United Nations and replace it with Americans. Then we will have the most support per capita.
First!
w00t
If we really wanted to improve the UN’s perception of the US, we would have elected John Kerry.
I’m pretty sure well over half of all Americans don’t give a poop what the UN thinks of us…
Oh and hey!
Nice to see all the google adds are about child labor now. What in the world are you guest bloggers doing?
I hope Fred (or whatever his name is) gets back here quick.
Are the guest bloggers children that Fred has forced into guest blogging?
That would certainly explain it.
The Kerry Haters blog posted the personal phone and fax # of the Jan Egeland Asshat, if ya’ll want to tell him what you think of him.
Kick their asses out of the U.S. That would improve their perception. They’d learn we’re not to be f*cked with gratuitously.
Much closer to a realistic view than their current one…
Maybe then when we point out, “Hey! Libya, Human Rights Council?”, they’d go, “Oh, yeah. That might be a faux pas, huh?”
“I received 100% of the vote!! I have a mandate. Listen to me and reward me generously.”
Hey, it’s worked for dictators around the world, it can work for us, too.
“Don’t make me shake my fist at you!”
I’ll see your fist-shaking and raise you a glower.
Nice one, ducky 🙂
“Tell me, how do you think we could improve the UN’s perception of the United States?”
I say, tattoo “France” on Michael Moore’s fat ass (assuming he hasn’t beaten us to the punch…or punch bowl..but that’s another story), then force all UN ambassadors to sit and watch him shower for 24 straight hours.
Kill 2 dirty birds with one stone: Moore gets cleaned up, the UN guys realize American is Heaven by comparison!!!
Oh, sorry, did I say “straight” in relation to Michael Moore? Well, you know what I meant…
Where is china? There are a crap load of chineans and why arent they giving money? and why isnt the u.n. yelling at them? oh… because china is full of commies and so is the u.n. damn u.n.
May I also suggest this. The next time you want to give money to the UN, just remember 15 million isnt enough. Anything less would mean you are “stingy”.
Last time i went to the store, it was cold hard cash they were concerned about, not my per capita income. the rest of the world is just pissed that no matter how they look at it, America is still the hands down best there is. We are the most givingof our hard earned resources, even though most countries deserve nothing but a couple of megatons of PISS OFF! so screw them and the u.n. Peace, I’m out.
Anybody know how much international aid the U.S. received after the hurricanes in Florida this year?
Has the U.S. EVER received ANY international aid at any time?
http://ridingsun.blogspot.com/2004/12/un-says-bin-laden-stingy-on-tsunami.html
U.N. says Bin Laden “stingy” on tsunami relief
NEW YORK, Dec. 30 (Rooters) — In a prepared speech today, U.N. Undersecretary-General for Humanitarian Affairs Jan Egeland rapped terrorist kingpin Osama Bin Laden for his “stingy” response to the Indian Ocean tsunamis that killed close to 100,000 people earlier this week.
“It is beyond me why Bin Laden is so stingy, really,” the Norwegian-born U.N. official told reporters. “The terrible impact of this disaster should remind the son of a wealthy Saudi businessman like Bin Laden of how many people need his help.”
Egeland blamed U.S. President George W. Bush for Bin Laden’s failure to provide more relief aid. “If Bush hadn’t done so much damage to Al Qaeda in the past few years, Bin Laden would have the resources to really make a difference. Hopefully the world will now see just how misguided America’s ‘War on Terror’ really is.”
Egeland also lamented the recent passing of Palestinian Authority leader Yasser Arafat, who he said “would certainly have donated large sums of money to the needy.”
Norway gives more per capita? maybe not. The Government of Norway gives more per capita than does the US. But if you include the idividual giving, the corporate charity, all those charities supported by the individual US citizen, I don’t think the “holier than thou Norwegian” would look so good. It’s easy for a Norwegian government official to be “charitable” with his tax payers money. It is questionable if the US government is strictly alinged with Constitutional law when it “donates” money sometimes. Money spent to promote a government’s interest is not considered “charity” or “giving.”
Being a “Right Bloody Bastard”, I’d like to see a law passed that if some area needs help in the future they can get it from the US only if Norway asks us nicely, that is an ambasador has to go to the White House and get down on his or her knees and beg for help. Storm in India, can’t do a thing until Norway begs for it, go talk to them. War in Africa, can’t do a thing until Norway begs for it. Etc. And if we find out Norway is asking for a bribe to beg, we will only give help if the ambassador commits Sepku on the front lawn.
Tell me, am I being to harsh about this?
The first step toward improving the UN’s perception of America would be to remove their heads from (as sarahk would put it) their “pinky toes”.
Donate all the US funding that was meant to go to the UN to the tsunami victims. That should help a little.
Then charge the UN rent according to its real estate value. Turtle Bay is prime real estate. That should help lots of tsunami victims.
Heck, with all that money, we could be #1!
The obvious solution, of course, is to stop giving ANY money to the countries pissing us off. Send their money to Israel, or just keep it for ourselves. Oh, and call in all the outstanding loans. See how long the rest of the world lasts without American subsidies.
Of course, we’d still send money to the allies that haven’t pissed us off… like… Israel… and um… was there another? 😉
Charles.
toad is right and wrong. Wrong about the part about blaming Norway for their representative. They were smart enough to get him out of their own country and to the UN where he couldn’t do anything significant, weren’t they? I remember when I was a lad in Idaho, one wealthy family promoted a son to the Lieutenant- Governorship, so’s he couldn’t do the family business any harm. Lots of people voted for him out of sympathy for the family, and admiration for such an innovative solution to the problem of worthless scionism.
The other part, about whether someone who has money taken from him by the government and subsequently given to others without his knowledge or permission can be described as having “donated to charity”, makes a good point. I can’t quite put my finger on just what that point is, though … more coffee.
That chart shows government supplied aid. Not aid per civilian. Many European countries have a mandatory taxation for religious support; i.e. you must choose a faith and a percentage of your income is donated to that faith on behalf of the State. Americans are typically much more willing to personally donate time and money to charitable causes of their own volition.
I imagine that if private donations were included America would lead the pack.
What an odd coincidence… The citizens of a country with a low mandatory requirement for charitable giving (i.e. taxation) would have a high personal rate of charitable giving!
I declare my 160 by 90 foot lot as the new country of Noxiousland, and my house as it’s capital city – Haward-ya-buzzoff-burgh
The entire country is a terrorism free zone however, and give $80.01 per year to the Norweegians.
PS – To fix the U.N, simply do the same thing George W Bush did, which was to personally put a call through to that Egeland guy, and tell him if he doesn’t shut his useless ^%&^%&^% pie hole, that George will come over and do it for him permanently, and also that he might want to ‘watch his back’ for the next 6 months or so – just so’s he ain’t gonna be sleepin well for 6 months or so. That’ll learn em.
If that don’t work, grab the dude off the street, stick a turban on his head and ship him to Gitmo, where useless pie hole owners check in but they don’t check out.
W needs to issue an executive order stating that every box and sack of aid that we donate bears a large full color American flag. It won’t matter to the despots and kleptocrats, but their people will start to get the message about who really cares. Eventually, the people will get the message and, maybe, start liking us. Or at least stop wanting us dead which is a start. Also remind them that C-130s can deliver food and water on one trip and an armored cavalry regiment on the next.
We should just start our own club.. like America Friends….
We could make it the coolest… And we could refuse to recognize any non-member nations. After we withdraw monetary support from the UN and funnel it to America Friends, everyone will want to be an America Friend. That would be fun.
Who, me, wrong? I may make an occasional error, I have been known to have brain farts, I’ve done a negligent discharge once while trying to put a Tarus automatic into condition two. HEY LADY I JUST SCARED YOUR CAT, IF I WANTED IT DEAD IT WOULD BE DEAD, but I can’t recall ever being outright, WOULD YOU GET OFF OF ME! I CAN’T TAKE ANOTHER PILL FOR TWO HOURS NOW, uh, uh , yes I don’t think I’ve ever been really outright wrong. At least I can’t remember. I think I used to have friends that would tell me these things?
Had a room-mate who was from Norway while at school in England. She had the idea that Americans were stingy back then too! She felt free to remind me that I had too much food and helped herself to my mac and cheese. I, in turn, hid my food. I don’t mind sharing but when forced to, I take matters into my own hands.
Actually that chart is a little off.
http://www.givingusa.org
Theres a link on the right showing how much the US actually donates. What? We have to send all our donations to the UN to than delegate them out to those in need? Can’t just give it to them? I am sad.
The best solution is take a large laser and carefully excise the UN building from American Soil, place it on a large leaky barge and set it afloat (adrift) outside American waters in the Atlantic during the storm season, on a course toward France. Blame France when they don’t rescue them. 🙂
Shorts, if the aid doesn’t go through the UN, how will Kofi get his cut?
Here’s a little trivia: After the Tsunami, Isreal — yes, Isreal — was prepared, not so much to aid, but to help; fishing bodies out of the water, pulling people out of trees, and so on.
Indonesia refused, because they were Jewish, and it would upset their Muslim minority.