- I went to National Review Online yesterday and noticed the orange banner and was like, “Dude, a little late with the Halloween decorations.” Ends up it’s to show support for the good guys in Ukraine. See, the only previous knowledge I have about orange and politics involves why my grandfather, Frank J. Sr., had to leave Ireland in such a rush.
- Anyway, I tried to finally understand the Ukraine issue. It’s easy to understand from the perspective that America is good and likes good things and Putin is bad and likes bad things. We like that there is going to be a new vote, so a new vote is a good thing. That’s because we like… uh… Viktor. Wait, both the candidates are named Viktor and have long last names that begin in ‘y’. Still, I have it on good authority that they are two completely different people. And we like one – the good Viktor – while Putin favors another – the bad Viktor… who is bad. Hope that clears things up.
- With Russia trying to hold on to its old Soviet Union partners and working on new nukes, could this be the reemergence of the Soviet Union and the Cold War? That would be so cool! It would be like one of those movies where you thought the bad guy was killed in the first, but somehow comes back at the beginning of the sequel. What would we subtitle this one?
Cold War 2: Sub-Zero
Cold War 2: The Freeze
Cold War 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold
Anyway, whatever it’s called, like all wars, it should be fun! - So Tommy Thompson warns of attacks on the food supply. What are we going to do now? Have armed Marines in the produce section? Some old lady going to be squeezing a cantaloupe to check if it’s fresh and find a Beretta 9mm pressed against her temple with the warning, “You’ve had enough time to tell whether that melon is ripe or not; now either buy it or back away!” That would be so funny… and, uh, wrong.
- Al Qaeda took credit for an attack on a U.S. Consulate in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they killed a number of locals before getting killed or captured themselves. Gee, that sure taught us. Do you ever think a terrorist attack will be so botched that Al Qaeda will deny credit right away. Like if a truck rams into an American building and absolutely nothing happens. “Dude, that totally wasn’t us; Al Qaeda always wires its bombs properly as Allah wills. That must have been that other terrorists group… uh… Bud Qaeda.”
- Bush won Ohio! Officially! Why is this news! I dunno! But hooray!
- So it looks like some environmentalcases burned down homes under construction in Maryland. Seems like we keep getting more of this home grown terrorism. How do these groups recruit, anyway?
RECRUITER: Do you care about the environment?
KID: No, not really.
RECRUITER: Well… do you like to burn things?
KID: YEAH!
RERUITER: Then you have what it takes to be an environmentalist.
- A Yemeni sheik said that Allah will bring great storms to America because of his arrest. A little late there, buddy. If you said that before the Florida hurricane season, though, you might have actually converted me.
Did I remember to take down all the storm windows? - 532 alert readers e-mailed me about how the University of Pittsburgh (which is scarily near my alma mater Carnegie Mellon) cloned monkey embryos. Good job guys; you know there is a huge demand for more monkeys that look alike.
- Now, you probably ask, will this research eventually lead to the future warned about in The Planet of Apes including the blowing up of the Statue of Liberty? According to my research, there are absolutely no scenarios in which this won’t.
- BTW, I’m organizing a mob to storm the University of Pittsburgh. We’re going old-school, so stop at Ace Hardware and pick up a pitchfork or a torch. Instead of attacking wherever they did the monkey experiment, though, we’re going up against the Cathedral of Learning since it is much more ominous looking. Fun for the whole family!
- In case you missed it, big contest going on! You keep checking IMAO and you win!
Okay. Now I’m confused. Putin is bad. Except when he supports President Bush. Then he’s good. But, the election’s over and now he’s bad again? My head hurts!
But, reading further down, I wonder if maybe there is more than one Putin. He hasn’t been to the University of Pittsburgh lately, has he?
I’m pretty sure Putin is evil… but sometimes useful.
Ah, I see now. Thanks for clearing that up.
Just like any other tool, Putin is to be used when and where appropriate. And the Ukraine election showed: Putin is a real tool.
It all makes sense now. Thanks.
Are we stopping at the O’ for fries before or after the mob activities?
Vlad (or like he calls himself, Czar Vladimir) is definitely evil. Look at his evil wampire grin when he wears a poncho. But there’s still the rule where one keeps their enemies close as much as safely possible, you know. And if that’s while taking one or two non-poisoned gifts, the better.
Yes, politics are on a great deal heartless.
Putin comes from the KGB, so he’s tainted and whether he can be trusted is up in the air. He’ll use us when he can, without giving much back.
At least he recently returned lands to the Russian Orthodox Church that were confiscated by the communists.
BTW Ukraine does not have the word ‘the’ in front of it any more than Texas does.
Is it okay to use a tiki torch instead of a regular torch for the mob scene?
I have plenty of tiki torches but no gasoline soaked rags to tie around a stick.
DUH? I’m confused. Putin is a tool to be used at will and he is a tool? What happened to that band Tool? Did the Russian tool Putin like have them killed to claim the name tool for himself? That greddy Russian son of a… I liked that band!
DUH? I’m confused. Putin is a tool to be used at will and he is a tool? What happened to that band Tool? Did the Russian tool Putin like have them killed to claim the name tool for himself? That greddy Russian son of a… I liked that band!
you know, it should be ColdWarII: electric boogaloo. duh.
Isn’t the Cathedral of Learning a dark temple to the left? Therefore it must be smashed!
But if Putin is on the wrong side, that means that you are endorsing the Soros side?
How is George Soros less bad than Putin? Putin didn’t do everything he could to defeat the President. Soros tried to defeat this country once already, I’m leary his candidate will reflect his funder.
It’s a good thing those environmentalists burned down those homes. Now the developers can claim it on their insurance and buy more wood, causing timber companies to cut down more trees. Not to mention all that smoke from the fire that disrupted the hibernation of the rare Maryland park squirrell.
* A Yemeni sheik said that Allah will bring great storms to America because of his arrest. A little late there, buddy. If you said that before the Florida hurricane season, though, you might have actually converted me.
From the article:
The statement — spoken in English to agents bringing al-Moayad from Frankfurt to New York on Nov. 16, 2003 — counter defense claims that he has no command of the language, prosecutors said.
Apparently he did say that before the hurricane season.
that is ominous looking
‘Bud Qaeda’?
I thought it was ‘Tipper Qaeda’.
Frank, you graduated from Carnegie Mellon? Were you by any chance in the KGB club they have there?
For those of you unaware, it is not in any way related to the Russians, just uses the name. I know about it because someone I know there is a member of the club.
Actually, what Tommy warned us about was all of the food imported from the Middle East. So, … just stop eating figs.
haha, Frank you’re a freak! I like that.
Okay Frank. I went to Pitt. (And yeah, I always the the Cathedral of Learning was ominous looking). But I just went to Pitt because I couldn’t afford CMU (I was a compsci major… I REALLY wanted to go to CMU).
I took German in one of those first floor classrooms in the cathedral. It was set up to look like Parliament (all these uncomfortable wooden chairs facing sideways into the room). But DANG my German teacher was a hottie! Zehr nett!
Frank:
Didn’t the CMU students have an unflattering name for Pitt’s Cathedral of Learning? My dad is a 1953 graduate of your school’s original version (before it was Mellonized in the mid-1960’s), known and loved as Carnegie Tech. He and his fellow architecture students referred to that building as the “Tower of Ignorance just up the hill”.
Notwithstanding my handle, I have not lived in Pittsburgh for over 40 years, but I still bleed Pirates and Steelers black and gold when I cut myself.
I didn’t read the other comments, but has anyone suggested for the second cold war “Cold War II: Nuclear Freeze” if we win again, or “Cold War II: Nuclear Winter” if we don’t?