Thanks for the suggestions, but they were asinine. I guess that’s why I write the humor and you guys read it.
So, Moussaoui gets life in prison. I’ve always been somewhat ambivalent on the death penalty, but I think that, if you are going to give someone death, don’t do it some wussy way like by lethal injection. That doesn’t scare anyone. Instead, sentence people to be beaten to death by a hammer.
JUDGE: I sentence you to be beaten with a hammer until dead.
BALIFF: Coo’. I’m off to the hardware store.
Of course, other countries will be like, “America is so brutal that they beat people to death with hammers.” Other countries always miss the point; they’re so stupid. One day, we have to get rid of other countries.
So Geena Davis’s “Paving the Way for a Hillary Presidency” show was canceled proving that Americans just aren’t ready to watch boring tripe… well, at least boring tripe starring Geena Davis.
They should do a show about me as President. “Is America ready to have an in your face blogger as President?” Yeah, I’m too young to be President, but it’s TV – you don’t have to be realistic. I mean, they have this one show about a liberal President who is tough and principled; you might as well give him a dragon as a VP.
Speaking of dragons, my short story “No Good Deed” is in the approval process for the Jim Baen’s Universe SF magazine. If it gets published, then I’ll have actual writing credentials. Right now, if I go to some publisher and say, “Well, I write daily for a popular blog,” they just punch me in the face.
I’m also working on my next short story. I was reading 1984 the other day and said to myself, “This could make a great comedy.”
But enough about me; let’s talk about Cheney. Apparently he was giving the leaders of Russia a verbal smackdown. While Ronald Reagan scared Russia away from being Communist, I guess this whole “not being evil” thing is just a bit too much. What they really need are baby steps. Instead of killing dissenters, they just rough them up a bit. Maybe later, they can lay off them entirely… but take your time.
I miss Reagan. In my TV series, I should have Robo-Reagan as my Chief of Staff.
So are we going to do anything about Iran? I’m pretty sure (as usual) the U.N. will do nothing. I’m not convinced that Iran is crazy enough to do anything with nukes (dogs that bark that loud are just frustrated, not necessarily violent), but they probably shouldn’t have them. We should take their nukes and give them to Canada, because I don’t think Canada has any.
“Good work on the space robot arm; here’s some nukes.”
That should help Canada’s self-esteem, and I think it’s our job to foster that.
Another neighbor who needs more self-esteem is Mexico. They were even thinking of turning to drugs. There’s not too much nice to say about Mexico, but maybe America could run ads in Mexico bad-mouthing ourselves so people will stay.
“America: Liberals say our leader is just like Hitler!”
“America: The salsa here is not so great.”
“America: Watch yourself, or we’ll beat you to death with a hammer.”
Well, that’s all I have to say for now except that, if you’re near Tonga, look for cover.
//Right now, if I go to some publisher and say, “Well, I write daily for a popular blog,” they just punch me in the face.//
I don’t know about that Frank, people don’t really read actual, physical, BOOKS anymore do they?
Don’t worry though, I’ll still buy an IN MY WORLD if you add stick-figure illustration and give me a $5 discount coupon.
Beaten to death with a hammer? Naw. In Moussaoui’s case, I think the choice should have been between “hanged with panties on his head” and “life in prison with panties on his head.”
Or maybe we could tattoo him all over in a nice floral pattern, in pastel colors, and deport him.
“I’m also working on my next short story. I was reading 1984 the other day and said to myself, “This could make a great comedy.””
Already been done, my friend. The movie’s called Brazil.
Didn’t like Brazil, huh? Well, I’m disappointed now. I was going to buy a t-shirt, but I think I’ll buy something from Evil Glenn instead. Does he sell anything?
See, Brazil and 1984 aren’t really the same. 1984 features a government whose only purpose is ruthlessly crushing people’s souls. Brazil features a government whose only purpose is, well, nothing really. It just is so massive and blundering that it can’t help ruthlessly crushing people’s souls, and at the same time so inefficient, it can’t even achieve its own goals, even when it knows what its goals are.
Guess which one is more likely to come to pass…
Best line: And here is your receipt for your husband, and here is my receipt for your receipt.
No need to tatoo Moussaoui; just drop him off in the middle of Tahran with an “I love New York” t-shirt…but then based on how it appears they shoot…well, it would appear Moussaoui would be perfectly safe.
Guess which one is more likely to come to pass…
The Three Minutes Hate and the People Who Fail The Revolution Are Unpersons are already here…
As for Moussauoi, he should be used as a live experimental subject for that huge slingshot that the Mythbusters built. And he should be shot into a wall. Preferably one on the US/Mexico border. :-p
Then again, wouldn’t it be cooler if you used people in death row as crash test dummies? Then you could paste the result on billboards, and write stuff like “Dumb Guy: Serial Rapist” underneath.
I bet the victims and the families of the victims of those dead men walking would definitely like that.
(“Paste the result” intentionally left ambiguous.)
Jim Baen’s Universe SF magazine.
Man, Baen kicks so much ass. I wish I had enough time to read everything they publish.
(And speaking of which, did I miss your take on Freehold, oh blog overlord? I don’t remember reading it anywhere on this blog…)
Can we put Moussaoui in a cell with Arnold from Green Acres? Because that’d be funny right there. Especially if we piped in the theme song. And put it on a webcam.
//Right now, if I go to some publisher and say, “Well, I write daily for a popular blog,” they just punch me in the face.//
I don’t know about that Frank, people don’t really read actual, physical, BOOKS anymore do they?
Don’t worry though, I’ll still buy an IN MY WORLD if you add stick-figure illustration and give me a $5 discount coupon.
Beaten to death with a hammer? Naw. In Moussaoui’s case, I think the choice should have been between “hanged with panties on his head” and “life in prison with panties on his head.”
Or maybe we could tattoo him all over in a nice floral pattern, in pastel colors, and deport him.
As for Moussaoui I that a tattoo would be nice. Say a nice likeness of one of the Muhammad cartoons.
“I’m also working on my next short story. I was reading 1984 the other day and said to myself, “This could make a great comedy.””
Already been done, my friend. The movie’s called Brazil.
Junglejake,
Didn’t find Brazil that funny. Actually, I didn’t even finish watching it. I hope my story is less boring than Brazil.
I’m with Moneyman, just add film crew.
“the Jim Baen’s Universe SF magazine”
Where might someone purchase such a publication?
slapout,
The link is in the article.
Didn’t like Brazil, huh? Well, I’m disappointed now. I was going to buy a t-shirt, but I think I’ll buy something from Evil Glenn instead. Does he sell anything?
See, Brazil and 1984 aren’t really the same. 1984 features a government whose only purpose is ruthlessly crushing people’s souls. Brazil features a government whose only purpose is, well, nothing really. It just is so massive and blundering that it can’t help ruthlessly crushing people’s souls, and at the same time so inefficient, it can’t even achieve its own goals, even when it knows what its goals are.
Guess which one is more likely to come to pass…
Best line: And here is your receipt for your husband, and here is my receipt for your receipt.
No need to tatoo Moussaoui; just drop him off in the middle of Tahran with an “I love New York” t-shirt…but then based on how it appears they shoot…well, it would appear Moussaoui would be perfectly safe.
(Agh, comment at 07:01 PM is mine)
Can we put Moussaoui in a cell with Arnold from Green Acres? Because that’d be funny right there. Especially if we piped in the theme song. And put it on a webcam.