Previously on 24, President Estro is crazy insane. Chloe double-tasered an annoying guy in a bar, where she is helping Jack remotely. Bill was taken into custody so it doesn’t look like F is helping Bill and Chloe. F’s henchman, Miles the Weasel, called Mike Novick to tell him that he doesn’t think F is doing a good job. Estro’s totally awesome crazy insane wife who’s not actually crazy insane downed a bunch of pills with a bunch of wine and called Estro, who basically hung up on his wife, because he’s a pinkytoehead. That’s not to call him a little blonde, that’s… well nevermind. Jack got Robocop’s recording and is trying to land the plane. Halliburton told Estro to shoot down the plane that Jack Bauer is on. And they captured Bierko, who’s been absent several episodes.
Archive of entries posted on 8th May 2006
Smart Monkey, Me
It’s a Picture that Moves!
Jim Baen’s Universe (which I hope to get a story in; one of the editors liked a story enough to ask for an RTF so fingers are crossed) now has cover art. Since it’s an e-zine, it’s actually a Flash animation.
I’d like to be able to do Flash animation, but writing is hard enough. I need people who can do art and animation and I just tell them what I want and they make it. I’m good at telling people what to do.
Hey! You reading this! Jump up and down! Do it now!
Crazy Kos No Like Being Called Crazy
Don’t call crazy Kos crazy or he’ll get all crazy on you. Liberal Johnathan Chait made that mistake, and now Kos is getting all crazy on him, that wacky crazy Kos.
He’s so crazy.
IMAO Reader Challenge
IMAO: The Blog Rejected by Bloggers
Here’s an unscientific poll of the favorite blogs of bloggers (so unscientific, I was involved). It’s kinda interesting that, despite it’s traffic, the Daily Kos ranked lower than a number of other liberal blogs.
Anything else seem interesting?
UPDATE: Yes, I know IMAO isn’t on this list, but this is a list of blogs read by bloggers, and we all know how deranged bloggers are. That IMAO isn’t favored by other bloggers shows how supercool it is!
Just in case you thought that the 1994 Nobel Peace Prize wasn’t enough of a joke…
I’m sure there will be online petitions shrieking for the charter of the Nobel Peace Prize to be changed to allow it to be retracted after these sweet nothings by 1994’s co-winner Shimon Peres:
Vice Premier Shimon Peres said Monday in an interview to Reuters that “the president of Iran should remember that Iran can also be wiped off the map,” Army Radio reported.
According to Peres, “Teheran is making a mockery of the international community’s efforts to solve the crisis surrounding Iran’s nuclear program.”
“Iran presents a danger to the entire world, not just to us,” Peres added.
Well, as long as we’re wiping countries off of the map willy-nilly, here’s a few suggestions:
- Nigerian: I’m tired of all this Spam. Someone told me it’s Nigerian Spam. Fine. Wipe Nigerian off of the map, no more Spam.
- Dollywood: Dolly Parton’s a great singer, sure, but the thought of her running a theme park creeps me out. Especially when you consider that she’s pushing sixty. After she’s dead, will they turn her into a robot, or will they freeze her like Walt Disney? Now I’m even more creeped out.
- Samoa: The CIA World Factbook lists American Samoa and Samoa. I can’t keep them straight. Savaii? Upolu? Pago Pago? Get rid of one. Now.
- Eurasia: We’re at war with them, you know. (Or is it Eastasia? So hard to keep track of.)
- The Compass Rose: Okay, so it’s not technically a country, but anyone with half a brain can find North these days. Just hold the map with all the letters facing right-side up. Or, if it doesn’t have words, hold North America on the top and South America on the bottom. See? (And if it’s an old-fangly map, get rid of that big nasty 100 mile long sea serpent!)
- The Grand Duchy of Fenwick: Despite not having a nuclear energy program of their own, they have somehow managed to procure a Doomsday Device. Oh well. Sure, they’re not Muslims, but we’d better not take any chances.
- Oman: That whole “Straits of Hormuz” crap causes so many problems. How the heck are we supposed to get all that oil out through that tiny strip of water? And how the heck are we supposed to get all our aircraft carriers, submarines, destroyers, cruisers, and other naval vessels in through that tiny strip of water when the oil’s not coming out? I say blast away that Musandam bit into rubble and bloody hummus.
- Aztlán: I’m tired of all these protestors saying that they’re from Occupied Aztlán, laying claim to Texas and Arizona and Southern California (How about just Berkeley?). If we don’t wipe this place off of the map once and for all, we’ll end up like the Jews having to deal with these delusional people claiming to be from some imaginary country called “Palestine.” (If you think exploding Arabs are bad, just think of all of the exploding Mexicans. Who would we get clean them up?)
- 93Q Country: They’re actually a local radio station here in Houston, but they’re got the most obnoxious country music ads. I swear, you hear one of their promo spots, and you have to cough out the NASCAR exhaust. I say wipe them from the map.
What country would you like to see wiped from the map?
Gitmo Must Be Shut Down
An Editorial by Frank J.
Our detention facility at Guantanamo Bay is a disaster. Located in tropical Cuba, it’s nothing but a fun park for terrorists. As Sen. Durbin pointed out a while ago, they even get free rap music and air conditioning. This is not how we should treat our enemies; it gives them hope. A proper detention facility should crush the spirits of the imprisoned, leaving them hollow shells of their former selves. Where can we send them that is so desolate that its very location will cause the prisoners to wail and gnash their teeth? New Jersey? Perhaps, but I have an even better idea: Antarctica.
“A proper detention facility should crush the spirits of the imprisoned leaving them hollow shells of their former selves.”
Orginally, Australia was used by the British as a penal colony, and, as a result, a great vacation spot is overrun with filthy thieves wearing hats adorned with crocodile teeth. If only the British had sailed further south they would have found an even better prison from which there is no escape. Once again, Britain’s folly is our gain. All we need to do now is send some military engineers down there to construct the greatest prison of all: Camp Despair.
The first things terrorists will see when they enter Camp Despair will be a large sign saying, “ALLAH HAS ABANDONED YOU!” Then, they will see a sign pointing straight into the ground labeled, “Mecca.” Each prisoner will be given a new Koran and prayer rug with the warning, “That rug will be your only blanket. Also, I’d take good care of that Koran because it will be the only kindling you get to keep you warm. Muh ha ha ha!” And, know what’s the best part of a prison in Antarctica? It’s too cold for anyone to come and inspect and complain about prisoner treatment! The only ones who might cause trouble are the scientists around there, but any self-respecting Marine should be able to slap them around.
Now, I know what you may be thinking: Won’t the penguins come and cheer up the terrorists? Don’t worry; snipers will be positioned around the camp to shoot any penguins that come near, and Morgan Freeman will narrate their ignominious deaths. In addition, the exterior of the camp will be patrolled by angry polar bears. I know they aren’t native to Antarctica, but they can be shipped there. And while they’re being transferred, people will slap the bears in the face and imply that they’re gay to make them extra angry.
As you can see, there is no downside to creating Camp Despair. So let’s stop coddling our captured terrorists. To Antarctica with them!
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “If a Bird Can’t Fly, It Deserves to Die” and “Prisoner Beating Etiquette”.
Reason I Hate Liberals #79,775
I keep seeing liberals thinking that if President Bush has an approval of say 34%, that must mean 66% of the American people support their freak-nut viewpoints. I even had some guy arguing that the 9/11 was faked pull out, “Well, only (whatever Bush’s poll number was) people think your way,” when challenged on his delusions.
Listen up, ‘tards: President Bush is not a viewpoint, he is a person. I know your pea-sized brains have trouble understanding concepts such as conservatives for the war could disagree with Bush on many other issues, but it’s true. It’s not true that everyone who disapproves of Bush (many times for reasons such as immigration or spending) agree with your drool-covered imitation of human thought. Bush’s approval rating could go down to 22%, and 90% would still think you should be locked away in an asylum and given shock therapy.
But no, liberals can’t understand that simple concept and try to break everything down to support Bush or not support Bush. If you agree with Bush in even one area, then you’re a “mindless Bush follower.” If you disagree with Bush, then they love you… even if you’re some thug ruling Venezuela.
This makes me so mad, I just want to punch liberals in their dumb monkey faces all the more. Did I mention how I hate how all liberals have dumb monkey faces?
Tsst!
Why did no one tell me that Wednesday’s South Park parodied the Dog Whisperer? Actually, it wasn’t so much a parody as everything about Cesar Millan was pretty accurate except that he was using the techniques on Cartman instead of dog.
Well, they also overdid his accent a bit, but it’s pretty thick as is.
Hmm, I should try that “Tsst!” technique next time some liberal starts spewing crazy…
“Bush is the biggest terrorist in the…”
::Jab him in the neck with two fingers.:: “Tsst!”
“You’re trying to oppress my right to…”
::Jab him in the neck with two fingers.:: “Tsst!”
::Liberal moves to the corner and quietly hangs head.::
“See. I have taught the liberal that behavior is not allowed by not using positive or negative energy, but by using dominant energy.”
Everyday Smells Like a Barbecue!
I had to drive through smog again on my way to work. How long can these brush and muck fires go on? Eventually, all of Florida will burn down and then the fires will run out of fuel, I guess.
Anyway, I already have a Know Thy Enemy: Brush Fires post for those affected, and it probably works for muck fires if you just substitues “much” for “brush.”