TOP TEN THINGS THE NSA WOULD LEARN FROM MY PHONE RECORDS AND RECORDED CONVERSATIONS:
10. The majority of calls to my phone are from my wife’s phone. Not because we keep in touch constantly, but because I’m always using her phone to make mine ring so that I can find where I left my phone. Or because I’ve put the phone next to a sleeping Piper and want to scare the crap out of her by making the phone ring.
9. I wait until the last minute to refill my Vytorin prescription at Wallgreens every time. You’d think I’d just use the online system.
8. I do a really bad Elvis impression. People tell me it’s good, but they’d probably hear them hit the Mute button and make gagging noises.
7. I complain about my ringtone a lot. When will they ever get Zevon’s “Werewolves Of London” in the list?
6. My favorite strategy in getting rid of a caller is “My battery is running low, can I call you back?” and then I never call them back. And when they call me back, I just let voicemail catch it.
5. Two times a day, they’d hear this:
FRANKJ: “Hey, Lair.”
ME: “What?”
FRANKJ: “Post something funny or I’ll kill you.”
ME: “Okay, Frank.”
FRANKJ: “That’s King FrankJ, servantboy!”
4. I should call my grandmother more often.
3. When I tell my mother I just tried calling my grandmother but I got a busy signal or didn’t have the number handy, I’m full of crap.
2. I don’t quite match the “70 year-old lefthanded lesbian Filipino astronaut” profile I keep telling Zogby when they poll me every so often, but then Zogby just makes their numbers up anyway.
1. Half of the time, I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. The other half of the time, I’ve got a weak connection and they can’t hear me. So, I have to repeat myself, and they find out for certain that I have no idea what I’m talking about.

I should get to writing another newsletter soon. Operation Chicken Little didn’t seem to be a big success, so what kind of secret and cool stuff do you want in the newsletter?
Also, I’ll put out some new shirt designs soon. I’ll probably do more slogan shirts. One reader suggested: “The only way to stop fascism is through an informed populace and well-armed United States Marines… but mainly just the Marines.” That comes from one of my famous letters to the Limey. If there’s some other thing I wrote you think is shirt worthy, make sure to mention it. I’ll probably also make a shirt to warn liberals that you will punch them in their dumb monkey faces.
In other shirt news, the 101st Fighting Keyboardist shirt should be coming soon.
Anyway, continue to buy stuff so I get money.

With the news of NSA keeping phone logs of domestic calls, the moonbats are all paranoid. Seriously, though, calm down guys. You muckadoos shouldn’t worry a thing, because no one cares to hear anything you guys say other than other moonbats (and the occasional conservative like me looking for a laugh). If I found out the NSA was spying on you guys, I’d demand an investigation because that would be a huge waste of taxpayer dollars.
What you guys should worry about are actual threats… like getting punched in your dumb monkey faces.

Where have all the cowboys gone?
Not only does President Bush have low approval numbers, but everyone in Washington is hated now. And why? Because they suck!
You hear about how the federal government is tipping off the Mexican government about the Minutemen? I really hope that’s some rumor blown out of proportion, because now it seems like the Bush administration is just trying to piss conservatives off. Maybe Bush just got tired of angering the moonbats – all he has to do is sneeze and they call him “Hitler!” – so he’s going for the full monty and destroying all support. Anyway, this sounds bad. Not only is the federal government failing to do its job, it’s stopping Americans from getting it done. One of the biggest principles of America is that the people can do whatever our government fails at. That’s why gun rights are so essential; you can’t expect a police officer to magically appear when you’re in trouble, so you have the ability to handle threats yourself. Self-reliance is what America is about, and the government working against self-reliance is double-plus ungood.
Back to my point (if I had one), there is no one to root for in politics right now. Where does that leave us heading into the 2006 elections? You dislike both sides, but you can’t send them both a message because one of them will be elected.
Maybe the Libertarian Party can finally get some politicians elected nationally.

Continue reading ‘Political Fatigue’ »

I’ve been cross-posting some articles at Gather.com in attempt to reach more people and make more money. At least, I should have more of a chance there to get some liberal opinions on pieces and maybe get some debate.
Anyway, I made a Political Humor group you can post to, and I’ll try my best to actually read stuff written there and critique it. Writing political humor isn’t as easy or painfully hard as I make it look.
UPDATE: BTW, I need an image to represent my Political Humor group. Any idea what that should be?

John Hawkins has a list of bloggers favorite columnists. I didn’t participate in this poll because I just don’t have the attention span for writing a column. The columnist I’m closest to reading regularly is Jonah Goldberg, but I still plan on stealing his job. And, as you can tell from my lack of proofreading, I don’t even read my own stuff.

You may not know it since I don’t respond too often, but I do read every single comment to my posts since they get e-mailed to me. Lately, I’ve noticed some comments that are mean to me. That’s not good. I’m very sensitive, and, if I don’t get constant encouragement, I’m going to break down and eat ice cream until I’m fat. At my weight, it will take a long time until I’m fat, so that means a long time without posts. And, when I’m fat, I’ll have to be one of those funny fat guys, but that’s not really my thing. Plus, those people tend to die.
So, comment people, you police the comments. If someone is mean to me, you tell him “No!” and make him write nice comments to make me happy. Otherwise I’m just going to cry and write posts about what the cats are doing, and none of us want that.

RWD: Hello, I’m Rightwingduck and I’m bringing you the news.
SM: Hello, I’m spacemonkey and I’m bringing you some doodles.
RWD: News
SM: Doodles
Together: Newdles!

Yay, It’s magic. It’s magic.
Magician David Blaine stunned the world by staying submerged underwater for seven days.
All that time underwater left Mr. Blaine wrinkled, withered and pruny. People say, “How can that be magic?” I disagree. It’s not easy going in looking like David Blaine and coming out looking like Helen Thomas.

A person can stay underwater for seven days? Wow, if Ted Kennedy had known that, he might have stood a chance at becoming president.

Speaking of the Kennedy clan. Representavie Patrick Kennedy checked himself into a rehab program. We are at the point where rehab programs have what’s called the Kennedy Plan. It features courses in proper nutrition, stress management, and driver’s ed.
Future Kennedy cars will have a standard safety feature: A chauffeur.
Why can’t cars drive themselves? Like the K.I.T.T. on Knight Rider. Did you hear about this? They are going to make the movie version of Knight Rider, a TV show from the eighties that featured dangerous crime fighting. It will star David Hasselhoff and feature less violence than his last marriage.
Bwuhahaha.
David’s got more attitude for this movie. In fact, there’s this one scene where he gives Kitt a good washing, using SpongeBob Squarepants.
Times have changed. In the movie, Hasselhoff doesn’t get the girl, but KITT does makes out with the GPS system.
The original proposed title was; “Old guy with a really cool car.”
Heh. Heh. Old guys.
President Bush is in Florida promoting the new Medicare Prescription Drug benefit.
Maybe if he could get more seniors on drugs, he’d get them to approve of him.
Dubya’s playing dirty pool. Every person he meets he hugs yelling, “Grandpa I love you.”
Even the ladies.

In other Hollywood news, we’re hearing talk that Ashlee Simpson had a nose job. True. They’re saying that she had a bump removed from her nose. I think it’s a good decision. That bump on her nose was starting to distract from her lip synching.
Star Jones might be leaving her morning slot at The View. Rumor has it the chatty talk show will try to replace her with Rosie O’ Donnell. That’s what the show needs — another loud mouthed, opinionated talker involved in a homosexual relationship. Why did they even bother to make a change? I could simply take the picture on the screen and adjust the brightness level.
RWD: (Playing with contrast knobs). “White chick. Dark chick. White chick. Dark chick.”

Barry Bonds is now closing in on the homerun record held by Babe Ruth. 714!
Some people say he’s using ‘roids to help him get the record, i say if the burning and itching help him hit it better, who cares?
If he DOES break the record, he’ll be assured a spot in the Baseball Hall of Fame, provided they ever build a Pharmacology wing.
Barry’s been a pro for a long, long time. But, I can still remember back when he was playing in the pharma leagues.
Hey, Barry and Dubya have something in common: They’re both selling the benefits of a good drug plan.

Ok, that’s the newdles, it’s spacemonkey’s name for it. Spacemonkey and I want to know what you liked but really we want to know what you loved!