Everyone seems to be so worried about our borders these days, and I’m like, “Chill, dude.” Borders are a concept of ancient times when people were totally uncool and all wanted to kill each other. We’ve matured past such attitudes and should stop getting all bent out of shape over a few people sneaking into our country and instead focus on becoming a world with no borders.

 First, lets get rid of all the border agents and tell the Minutemen to calm down and just have a barbecue or something. If Mexicans want to come over here, whatever. And, if we want to go to Mexico, that’s cool too. And, if the Americans who come over happen to be armed soldiers who then terminate all the officials in the Mexican government, so what. Let’s not “freak out” over it because “freaking out” is for people still hung up on the archaic concept of “borders.” Mexicans just want to do the job Americans won’t do, and, when we have their population at gunpoint, they’ll also do the jobs they don’t want to do for the promise of one meal a day and a cot to sleep on. Some might kick a soccer ball at us in protest, but soon everyone in Mexico will grow to love the idea of no borders… or else.

 And let’s stop pretending that our border with Canada means anything. Canadians really are just part of America, aren’t they? If we want free maple syrup, then I’m sure they’ll give us free maple syrup before we’re forced to shoot them. Since we’ll be part of one society with no borders, they’ll be happy to get rid of their socialized health care to pay the “Because You’re Canada” tax. They’ll welcome the Americans who roam Quebec in mobs, burning down any building that has a sign in French, because you know what that is? It’s progress.

 But why keep this progressive concept of ending borders to our hemisphere? Know who has a big problem with borders? The Middle East. We can finally bring peace there by annulling all borders. There will be some resistance, and some bombs may have to be used – and some of those bombs may involve fission – but peace will triumph. Then the new borderless Middle East will mean cheap oil for all… and by all I mean America. The complications of the initial debordering may mean a lack of local labor for the oil pumping now, but we can get more labor from elsewhere like Europe, which has far too many borders. The French youth are always complaining about lack of work, but we’ll have some nice 100 hour a week jobs getting us crude. No, there won’t be paid over time. There might not even be paid regular time… but why focus on that when we’re moving to a borderless utopia?

 Eventually we’ll have no borders, and the new American Empire will have nothing but peace for all, because anyone not being peaceful will be shot. Thus, everyone will be happy. And what’s not to be happy about? No borders means no wars and no need for walls to limit us. There will be a heavily guarded wall around the Imperial Capital to keep intellectuals like me from having to interact with the common folk, but let’s not split hairs. Anyway, I’ll be busy designing robots to eventually do all the labor, and then the unskilled workers can be converted to robots fuel. That’s the future we are heading towards, and nothing can stop it.

 Unless, of course, you want to be a weenie and have enforceable borders.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “More Work for Less Mexicans: Building a More Fuel-Efficient Robot” and “‘Bah!’, ‘Feh!’, and Other Great Responses to the Complaints of Common Folk”.