Archive of entries posted on 31st May 2006

I Wonder If There Will Still Be Internets in the Future

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Tomorrow Jim Baen’s Universe, the new science fiction e-zine, premiers. They have a pretty big lineup of authors – and hopefully I’ll be among them soon (one editor liked my short story, but I’m waiting on the main editor to give his verdict; if it doesn’t work out, then I shall try again with a new story – actually, I’ll write a new story either way). I was just going to plug them for the heck of it, but then I found out it has an affiliate program, so you can click on the link below, check it out (there’s a flash animated cover), and, if you subscribe (which comes with free stuff), I get some money.
So, click the link below and have a look-see; we’ll still be here.

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen’s Universe!

QUERY: Cell Phone

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Okay, so my plan is up at Verizon and I’m getting a little tired keying in my text messages on the numeric keypad of my slidey-phone.
Since I text more than I call, I figure I ought to get a text device that doubles as a cell phone and not the other way around.
I’ve asked the IFOC audience this every now and then, and now it’s time to toss the net into the ocean of wisdom that is the IMAO audience…
Required features:
SMS capability
Alpha keypad
Alarm clock
Records voice memos
Ability to play Backgammon when waiting for things
Optional:
Email capability
Sync to computer
Plays MP3s
Takes some form of common data card
Simple headset
Web browsing
Decent battery life
Isn’t the size of a concrete block
Not critical:
Camera
Bluetooth
Funky ringtones (I tend to leave phones on vibrate-silent mode)
Preferred carrier is Cingular/AT&T.
Suggestions? Personal experience?

In My World: It’s Ain’t Easy Being a Congressman

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Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stormed into the Oval Office. “Those gringos in Congress keep trying to stop me from investigating them. When I came to search for more bribery evidence, they told me to ‘go eat some burritos.’ I think that might have been an ethnic slur, but I still took the suggestion.” Alberto took a bite from his burrito.
“Something is up with that Congress!” Bush declared. “Last time I visited them, I think I saw them forging my signature on bills.” Bush shot to his feet and knocked over his desk. “It’s time to break up whatever racket they have going.” He looked to Alberto. “First, I’ll need one of your burritos because I’m hungry.”
“Get your own.”
“Aww.”

Bush kicked open the doors to Congress. “Where are you, Denny? It’s time to talk.”
Dennis Hastert turned to face Bush. He was wearing a pimp hat, holding a pimp cane, and surrounded by hos. “What’s the matter, Dubya? Everything is cool here.”
“Then how come I heard that you’re selling drugs to the kids who come here on field trips?”
“What kid snitched on me?” Hastert demanded angrily as he shook his cane in the air. “Sounds like someone is in need of a pimp slap!”
“I know something is going on here!” Bush declared. “I want you to cooperate with the FBI!”
“There ain’t nothing to find here, so why don’t you get out of here before I put my foot up your ass.”
Bush rolled up his sleeves. “You’re pushing me, Hastert. Just look at my poll numbers; I ain’t got nothing to lose.”
Nancy Pelosi walked over and looked at Bush with disgust. “What does he want?”
“He thinks he needs to let the FBI investigate our offices,” Hastert explained.
“That’s silly,” Pelosi said. “That’s just the Executive Branch overreaching.”
“What do you have to hide?” Bush asked suspiciously. “Are you trying to keep the FBI from finding out you’re actually an evil sewer mutant?”
“I’ll feast upon your blood!” Pelosi shrieked and leapt at Bush, but Hastert held her back with his pimp cane.
“Dubya, why don’t you get out of here before we pass a bipartisan declaration saying that you’re a square,” Hastert said.
“But… but… I’m cool!”
Hastert adjusted his pimp hat. “Then let Congress do what Congress does.”
Bush hung his head. “Okay. I’ll go.”
“When you’re on your way out could you give this to a guy waiting on the corner?” Hastert handed something wrapped in tin foil to Bush.
“What is it?”
“Nothing… but don’t look in it.”

Bush dialed a number on the phone. “Hey, Laura! I need you to bail me out of prison again… I didn’t understand the charges; they said they’ll explain them to me in court tomorrow… Well, I don’t think I did anything wrong, but you stay away from Congress! You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy… That was from Star Wars; I’m so proud you recognized that… Is there anything else I need? Well– uh– tell Alberto to share his burritos!”

Things You Didn’t Know About Jesse MacBeth

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(A Precision Guided Humor Assigment)
In order to make America look bad, Iraq Veterans Against the War hooked up with compulsive liar Jesse MacBeth, who made up wild stories of his adventures in toddler-slaughtering while he served in Iraq.
Only problem being that he didn’t actually DO any toddler-slaughtering.
Because he wasn’t in Iraq.
Or even enlisted in the US Armed Forces.
Ever.
However, one small fib (ok, THREE) shouldn’t make you doubt Jesse’s character. I’m sure that – thirty years from now – CBS will find memos that confirm his story, as well as some of the other claims he made during his startling video interview:

  • While working for Hitler, he invented the Jewsy-Bake Oven.
  • Personally light-sabered the entire village of Tusken Raiders who killed his mom.
  • Told Natalie Maines what to say through a hidden earpiece during the Dixie Chicks infamous London concert.
  • Worked as a boy-toy delivery driver for Michael Jackson.
  • Spent days chumming the waters off Amity Beach right before tourist season.
  • Manufactured O-rings for NASA.
  • Programming code writer for the HAL 9000 computer.
  • …AND those twitchy A/2 series androids.
  • Planned the Imperial defense of Endor’s moon against the Ewoks.
  • Stalked the streets of London as “Jesse the Ripper”
  • While head elf for Santa, he would randomly remove kids’ names from the “nice” list.
  • “New Coke“
  • Converted “Who Let the Dogs Out?” into a ringtone.
  • Drove a tank at Tiananmen Square.
  • Invented telemarketing.
  • Was the first person to say to a Palestinian, “Ya know, if you pushed the Jews into the sea, you’d finally have your own homeland.”
  • Wrote “The Communist Manifesto”.
  • Killed the scientist who invented the 200 mpg carburetor.
  • Designed the unpronouncable symbol by which Prince was known for 7 years.
  • “Jar-Jar”

Despite that last one, I heard that Imperial Veterans Against Star Wars is STILL continuing to support him.

Self-Defense Actually Reported by the AP!

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Five robbers with firearms versus a former Marine with a pocket knife. Guess who wins?
The sad thing was the one robber killed in the attack was a woman who was two-weeks pregnant (it was clear self-defense, but still). There are all these warning for pregnant women such as don’t smoke and don’t drink. I guess “don’t mug people” should be added to the list now.
UPDATE: New reports say she wasn’t pregnant. And the story is acutally linked to on CNN’s frontpage (acutally, I saw it there first and figured Blackfive would have commentary).