(A Precision Guided Humor Assigment)
In order to make America look bad, Iraq Veterans Against the War hooked up with compulsive liar Jesse MacBeth, who made up wild stories of his adventures in toddler-slaughtering while he served in Iraq.
Only problem being that he didn’t actually DO any toddler-slaughtering.
Because he wasn’t in Iraq.
Or even enlisted in the US Armed Forces.
Ever.
However, one small fib (ok, THREE) shouldn’t make you doubt Jesse’s character. I’m sure that – thirty years from now – CBS will find memos that confirm his story, as well as some of the other claims he made during his startling video interview:
- While working for Hitler, he invented the Jewsy-Bake Oven.
- Personally light-sabered the entire village of Tusken Raiders who killed his mom.
- Told Natalie Maines what to say through a hidden earpiece during the Dixie Chicks infamous London concert.
- Worked as a boy-toy delivery driver for Michael Jackson.
- Spent days chumming the waters off Amity Beach right before tourist season.
- Manufactured O-rings for NASA.
- Programming code writer for the HAL 9000 computer.
- …AND those twitchy A/2 series androids.
- Planned the Imperial defense of Endor’s moon against the Ewoks.
- Stalked the streets of London as “Jesse the Ripper”
- While head elf for Santa, he would randomly remove kids’ names from the “nice” list.
- “New Coke“
- Converted “Who Let the Dogs Out?” into a ringtone.
- Drove a tank at Tiananmen Square.
- Invented telemarketing.
- Was the first person to say to a Palestinian, “Ya know, if you pushed the Jews into the sea, you’d finally have your own homeland.”
- Wrote “The Communist Manifesto”.
- Killed the scientist who invented the 200 mpg carburetor.
- Designed the unpronouncable symbol by which Prince was known for 7 years.
- “Jar-Jar”
Despite that last one, I heard that Imperial Veterans Against Star Wars is STILL continuing to support him.
test
another test
Haven’t you learned anything from Dan Rather and Mary Mapes! It’s not the FACTS that count anymore! It’s the story and the idea that it COULD be true! Get with the program here…
Test again. That and he is one of the original coyotes that smuggle illegals in from Nogales.
Oh, I looked at the video for the first time and these are my thoughts:
Even if I was to act like I was never in the Army, never in the infantry and never in Iraq, I could STILL see through this load of bull. This video is SO transparent. Even a seven year old girl who knows nothing of the Army, let alone the Rangers would know this guy has NEVER served. He doesn’t carry himself well, he has his terminology all wrong and his chronolgy is horrendous. Liberal anti-war, anti-shower hippies will believe anything if it advances their cause, even stand behind a blatantly obvious fraud. I see these stupid protestors outside on a street corner every Thursday when I drive home from work and I can’t help but think, “My God! What a target-rich environment!”
Not to give anything away, but ole Jesse better keep an eye on his six. Active and retired Rangers are a little particular who claims to be a member of the club, especially when that individual is dissing them and their branch. Jesse may have a real story to report about abuse by the rangers if they ever catch up to him. I would view it as just another monkey faced liberal being punched in the face.
But on a more serious note, the following is a transcript taken from the DailyKos that proves Jesse McBeth was in fact in the service. Roll the tape please.
General Barnicke: Where is your drill sergeant, men?
Jesse McBeth: Blown up sir.
Soldiers: Blown up sir!
General Barnicke: : Where have you been soldier?
Jesse McBeth: Training, sir.
Soldiers: Training, sir.
General Barnicke: What kind of training?
Jesse McBeth: Braaaarmy training, sir.
Soldiers: Army training, sir.
General Barnicke: Are you telling me that you men finished your training on your own?
John Winger: That’s a fact, Jack.
Soldiers: That’s a fact, Jack.
(Undisputable proof provided by Dashing Dan Rather and Mary Mapes)
The reference to “John Winger” was simply a typo, this text in no way was changed. Apparently. Dan Rather
Courage. Courage.
Jesse MacBeth designed the drug that turned those people on Miranda into the gorram Reavers.
Jesse MacBeth sold Jack Bauer out to the Chinese, convinced Adolph Hitler to give up painting and go into politics, founded the Death Eaters, and greenlighted (greenlit?) Gigli.
Jesse MacBeth substituted people for oil in the Soylent Green recipe.
He killed King Duncan in Act I.
He was a ballot-counter in Florida in 2000.
captain america…as for Jesse keeping an “eye on his six” I’m just guessing here but don’t think it’s a stretch that he’s got a couple of “friends” doing just that…not that there’s anything wrong with that…
MacBeth invented the Hydrogen Bomb
……single handedly (no pun intended) spread HIV throughout Africa
……started the wars in Rwanda, Congo, and Sudan
……invented the internet ( Oh wait, that was that other idiot who can’t seem to tell the difference between fact and fantasy
…….whispers instructions into Helen Thomas’ ear during press conferences at the White House. (Euwwww)
…….and gave Magnito his metal controlling powers.
It’s been postulated that jesse macbeth doesn’t have male genetalia; this is untrue, but they’re more suited for copulating with chihuahuas than humans. This is the result we get when we clone people from the dysfunctional stem cells of jane fonda & her ilk. One minute, they’re liberal zygotes, and the next they’re having delusions of grandeur & pretending to have a conscience about things unrelated to them, like morals. (Mr. moore, Mrs. sheehan, we’re looking in your direction, too…)