I’ve been hard on Bush lately, but I want him to succeed. I think he can get right up there in approval ratings while making America a greater and safer nation, but he needs to follow my advice.
First thing, lose the suit. Go with the cowboy hat and duster like Walker Texas Ranger. Always have a loaded peacemaker at your side and be chomping on a cigar for effect. Also, camera crews need to follow you around all the time so the American people can see you doing all this.
Anyway, here are a few specifics of what you can do. You can probably add to this, but I’d say do all of this as a minimum:
* First, put the Democrat politicians in their place. Put out your cigar on Harry Reid’s face next time he speaks out. Tell Pelosi to shut up before the strain of talking causes her skull to shoot out her face. Ambush that nut Howard Dean while he is on a political talk show and repeat his moronic statements, each one followed by a punch to the face. Take a vial of pepper spray labeled “Holy Water” and throw it in Hillary’s face while she’s giving a speech. Have Cynthia McKinney dragged away to an insane asylum and threaten to do the same to anyone who voted for her. Bind Patrick Kennedy and put him in the front seat of a crash test car. Before hitting the button to slam him into a wall, tell him, “When the ambulance comes, say you were on the way to a vote.” As for Big Fat Teddy K, next time he liquors up, put him in a car and then push it off a bridge saying, “Let’s see if you can still swim, you fat bastard!”
* Next, take on the liberal moonbats. Just hunt down a few of the nuts like Kos and slap them around on camera so Americans see what a bunch of weenie little loons they are. Do the same with freak college professors in some random visits to different college campuses (start a contest students can enter called “Have the President Publicly Beat the Crap Out of My Liberal College Professor”). Just ignore Hollywood, because that’s what hurts them the most.
* Now put Congress and spending in its place by freezing the assets of everyone in Congress just like you do terrorists until Congress can decided how to get federal spending under control. Beat with a chair the first person to suggest more taxes.
* Douse with gasoline and threaten with a match the next politician who tries to demagogue the gasoline costs issue. Have him weepingly explain to the camera as he begs for his life how gas prices are set and the many issues involved.
* Take all the available National Guard and lead them into march through Mexico to Vicente Fox’s house. Smash it up a bit, take a few things you like, and, if Fox gets pissy, tell him that your just respecting the borders as much as he is and, if he likes to keep the status quo, he can expect more visits. Divert funding from welfare to buying arms for Minutemen.
* Kidnap Kofi Anan and have him battle John Bolton in a cage match. When Bolton emerges the victor, declare him new leader of the U.N. Let him clean house of illegitimate governments such as dictatorships and Communists. Throw France off the Security Council and instead give them their own special corner to cower in.
* Next time you meet with “President” Hu Jintao of China, after he finishes saying how great it is to have a meeting and how gracious you are, shoot him in the kneecaps and remark, “America never gets tired of shooting Communists, and we never will.”
* Have a meeting with Hugo Chavez. As soon as he starts to talk, punch him in the throat. Then grab his head and start slamming it against a table until he agrees to face the cameras and admit he’s “a dainty little girl.”
* Meet with the Hamas leaders of the Palestinians.
HAMAS: We will not recognize the existence of Israel. That’s our policy.
:: Bush pulls out a gun and shoots the Hamas leader in the head. ::
BUSH: I kill terrorists. That’s my policy.
* Give the military full authorization to use whatever force it feels necessary in Iraq. If things spill over into Syria or Iran, well, you’re “lax on border issues.”
* As for Iran, tell them they better get moving on their nuclear program if they want to retaliate because you’re going to nuke Tehran in three days. Then go on vacation for three days and be completely unreachable.
Now that is how you be a President. So take my advice, President Bush, and regain respect while setting example for future generations on to properly use violence to solve problems (I don’t want things too screwed up before I’m old enough to take office in 2016). Remember, when you scare everyone, the more so you scare our enemies.