Our old pal Speakerof the House Dennis Hastert (R?) is demanding the FBI return documents from a search of a allegedly, though y’know probably, actually, since they caught him on video oand all, corrupt congressman’s office and take the agents involved off the case. Well, poop be upon you, and your demands Mr. Speaker, because I have a demand or two, maybe three of my own.
* I demand the FBI KEEP (that’s right I said it, keep) the documents! Do whatever you want with them. Read them, copy them. See if there’s any reference of any speakers of any houses getting any those tinfoil wrapped lettuce leftovers for his freezer.
* I demand the FBI KEEP (that’s right I said it twice, keep) the agents ON the case! Why take them off? What a waste of time. They’re keeping the documents, didn’t you read my other demand? The one where I demanded they KEEP them? We want some new agents to have to go over them and find out about his other probable alleged activity?
* I demand that Dennis Hastert tell the American taxpayers the real reaaon why he’s acting like such a cover-uppity dingus instead of acting like he supports truth, justice and the American way.
Those are my demands and they trump any Speaker’s demands because I’m ******
[We interrupt this post to tell you]
TAYLOR HICKS WON AMERICAN IDOL!
Sorry McPhan’s, the McPheever has broken.
Archive of entries posted on 24th May 2006
American Idol – The Finale
Group song with all of the top 12 + Carrie Underwood. They’re singing “I’ve Made it Through the Rain”, which is almost as bad as last year’s “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother”. No no. Nothing could ever be that painful. I’m having a seizure just thinking about it. They’re completely in white, which is unfortunate. Every time Carrie Underwood or Taylor sings, everyone cheers real loud.
“I wanna hear about your suntan.”
And now we have the first of many montages. It’s funny, though. They showed Randy saying the same four Randyisms over and over. On Paula, it’s her being emotional (playing “I Get So Emotional” in the background, LOL) and being drunk. For Simon, it’s The Ego Has Landed. Cute. Simon can have an ego, though. He’s the only one who ever has anything to say, and he is all that.
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
The 56th Carnival of Comedy is tomorrow, May 25! Thursday! And it will be at Passionate America‘s place! Really!
I’m passionate about America. I think we should have Independence day every month on the fouth of course, or shoot, have it every Wednesday (fourth day of the week)! I also think Not having the American flag flying both in your yard, and on your vehicle should be grounds for arrest for unAmerican and seditious activities.
Get those entries in to here, or here!
Schedule
Jun 01, #57- The MoxArgon Group
Jun 08, #58- Jerry Dante [language]
Jun 15, #59- FIAR!
And We Have to Use Candles for Heat… Except That We’re in Florida… And It’s Almost June
Maybe I should put the tip jar back up since SarahK and I are in such bad shape that we just got our water shut off. Sarah told me that she won’t even be able to cook our meager meal of beans tonight and the dog will have to go hungry.
When the first In My World™ book comes out (hopefully very soon), remember to buy many copies so we don’t end up on the street!
Stopping Iran’s Nuke Program
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Despite the European Union’s numerous offers of flowers & candy, Iran’s lunatic president Imabigdweeby (or whatever his name is) still refuses to stop enriching uranium.
Need to put a stop to that.
So I recommend sending in the Double Secret British Special Forces Commando Team to shut them down with some of their patented pacification techniques, which include such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to World Peace, and possibly one or more of the following:
- Park a giant wooden rabbit outside the enrichment facility, then – when the Iranians bring it inside – they’ll sneak out to open the gates for… RUN AWAY!!!
- Soundly ignore any and all Iranian complaints about dead parrots.
- Wear high heels, skip and jump, press wildflowers, put on women’s clothing and hang around the gates of the facility waiting for a chance to sneak in and blow it up with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.
- Write a strongly worded resolution, wrap it around an arrow, and fire it into Imabigdweeby’s bodyguard, Concorde.
- Burst into the enrichment facility, search it for cheese, and start shooting people if none is found. Starting with the bouzouki player.
- Taunt the Iranians.
- Taunt them a second time if necessary.
- Do something in their general direction, but only if it doesn’t violate the Geneva Convention, because Amnesty International is like a freakin’ pit bull on these sorts of things nowadays.
- Demand that the Iranians dismantle their nuclear program immediately. If they refuse, explain that you’re very sorry, but you’re not allowed to argue with them anymore unless they dismantle their nuclear program.
- Slap Imabigdweeby with a fish.
- Bomb the nuclear facilities, invade the country, kill the leaders, and steal their huge tracts of land.
If none of that works, I suppose we can always try giving the Nuts Who Say “Nuke!” a shrubbery.
Unfair Political Humor
Eugene Volokh is having a discussion about what constitutes “fair” political humor referencing Slate’s “Bushism of the Day.” Probably not a discussion that will get anywhere, but that Slate feature does seem pretty asinine.
Can’t you just do this ten million more times and aim the plane South instead of East?
The Florida college professor expousing the virtues of Islamic Jihad may still be tangled up in the bureaucracy, but one of his buddies finally got the boot:
A co-defendant who was acquitted of all charges in the Florida terrorism trial of former college professor Sami al-Arian has been deported to the Palestinian territories, a U.S. official said on Wednesday.
Federal agents took Sameeh Hammoudeh from a prison near Tampa on Monday and escorted him to Ramallah in the West Bank. He had agreed to be deported after pleading guilty to a separate tax fraud charge.
“The order of deportation has been carried out. Sameeh Hammoudeh is in Palestinian territory,” said Barbara Gonzalez, a spokeswoman for the U.S. Bureau of Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
Well, at least he’s safe from alligator attacks now.
In My World: An Average Day for the Deputy Chief of Staff
“So, is this story about Karl Rove being indicted true?” Jason Leopold asked. “If not, I could be completely discredited.”
“It is quite true,” said the hooded figure hiding in the shadows. “Publish it immediately.”
“Okay, then!” Leopold typed away at his computer. “By the way, who are you?”
“My name is…” The hooded figure was silent for a moment. “…Rarl Kove.”
“So Jesse MacBeth was a fraud made to discredit us all!” exclaimed an angry anti-war activist. “I was so sure he was for real when I saw he had a beret and everything! I bet the Bush Administration was behind this… probably Karl Rove himself!”
The other anti-war activist nodded in agreement. Suddenly, though, they were pelted with rocks.
“Who is throwing rocks at us? It must be Karl Rove!”
They turned to see a hooded figure disappear into the darkness as a blood-curdling laugh filled the air.
Markos ZË™niga was curled up in a fetal position on the floor and muttering to himself. “Maybe I am too far to the left. Maybe I do hurt the Democrats. Maybe since every candidate I support loses, I should give up. And, maybe, I should take my medication.”
“No, my child,” echoed a voice in the room. “You are the only one who knows the true path… you and the readers of DailyKos. The problem with the Democrats is they are not far enough to the left. They need to be more liberal! More!”
Markos got to his feet and wiped his face on his Ned Lamont t-shirt. “That’s what I keep saying! They all say I’m wrong… but they must be wrong! Screw ’em! Screw ’em all! Tee hee hee hee hee!” Markos then stared at the hooded figure before him who lurked in the darkness. “Who are you?”
“I am your conscience.”
Markos scratched his head. “I have a conscience?”
Patrick Fitzgerald sat down for dinner with his family, but then the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, no one was there. He looked down to see a dead cat and a note saying, “Courtesy the man who ruined Fitzmas.”
“Mittens!” Fitzgerald exclaimed. He then shook his fist at the darkness outside his house. “I’ll get you for killing our cat, Karl Rove! I’ll get you yet!”
An evil laugh answered.
Karl Rove stood before The Pit of Unimaginable Terror and Punditry. Its evil light lit his face. “Dark spirits! Give me the power to manipulate the wills of others! Help me lead my enemies to their own demise! Bring forth the demon…”
“Hey, Rover!” President Bush called out.
“How did you get into my secret lair?” Rove demanded.
“As usual, I fell down a hole today.” Bush looked around. “So what are you up ta? This place looks neat.” Bush stared down the pit. “If I throw a penny down there, will my wish come true?”
“Don’t disturb anything!” Rove commanded. “There are powers here of which you could never hope to understand.”
“I saw a lot of Mexicans working in your underground mines here,” Bush said. “Is that why you keep telling me not to be a hardliner on illegal immigration?”
“It’s all part of the plan.”
“And what’s this plan lead to?”
“As predicted by the ancient Book of Punditry, when the planets and the stars and the polls align, I can summon forth a power unlike this world has ever known! With it, all will bow to me, and, if I so desire, I can even rend apart the universe itself!”
“Destroy the universe…” Bush thought about that. “Might be unpopular with the base, but well, at least we have an agenda; that’s how we keep beating the Democrats.”
“Now leave this place before I eat your soul.”
“Okey-dokey.”
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Now Extra Chewy
- I hear Vicente Fox is in Utah speaking out against fences on the borders. And then he went in front of a nearby Home Depot and spoke about how great a day laborer he is. He’s now making four bucks an hour working on some guy’s yard and there is no indication he’s going back to Mexico.
- So are all the jobs taken in Mexico, or are there jobs that Mexicans won’t do which they give to low-paid Guatemalans?
- You hear about this Jesse Macbeth character pretending (poorly) to be a Army Ranger and that he killed hundreds of civilians under orders? The moonbats were jumping all over this because they really want to believe our military is wantonly slaughtering civilians in a manner reminiscent of Jenjis Khan. You’ve seen how excited Murtha got about that ongoing case in Iraq? Little tip to our service men and women: Don’t kill Iraqi civilians for sport; that will play right into the left’s hands.
Or, if you have to slaughter civilians, keep quiet about it. - I think I heard Bush’s poll numbers may have gone back into the forties. According to Kos-logic, that would put him in “striking distance” of being the most popular president ever.
- I know you wouldn’t expect me to take a stance against an obviously corrupt politician in the rival party, but I have to say that William J. Jefferson was wrong to take bribe money. And I am brave to say that.
And what’s with hiding it in the freezer? What a maroon. You hide it in the crib under the baby… or is that drugs? - One last thing: Taylor Hicks better be the next American Idol or I will have lost my faith in democracy. Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol! Woo!