“So, is this story about Karl Rove being indicted true?” Jason Leopold asked. “If not, I could be completely discredited.”
“It is quite true,” said the hooded figure hiding in the shadows. “Publish it immediately.”
“Okay, then!” Leopold typed away at his computer. “By the way, who are you?”
“My name is…” The hooded figure was silent for a moment. “…Rarl Kove.”
“So Jesse MacBeth was a fraud made to discredit us all!” exclaimed an angry anti-war activist. “I was so sure he was for real when I saw he had a beret and everything! I bet the Bush Administration was behind this… probably Karl Rove himself!”
The other anti-war activist nodded in agreement. Suddenly, though, they were pelted with rocks.
“Who is throwing rocks at us? It must be Karl Rove!”
They turned to see a hooded figure disappear into the darkness as a blood-curdling laugh filled the air.
Markos ZË™niga was curled up in a fetal position on the floor and muttering to himself. “Maybe I am too far to the left. Maybe I do hurt the Democrats. Maybe since every candidate I support loses, I should give up. And, maybe, I should take my medication.”
“No, my child,” echoed a voice in the room. “You are the only one who knows the true path… you and the readers of DailyKos. The problem with the Democrats is they are not far enough to the left. They need to be more liberal! More!”
Markos got to his feet and wiped his face on his Ned Lamont t-shirt. “That’s what I keep saying! They all say I’m wrong… but they must be wrong! Screw ’em! Screw ’em all! Tee hee hee hee hee!” Markos then stared at the hooded figure before him who lurked in the darkness. “Who are you?”
“I am your conscience.”
Markos scratched his head. “I have a conscience?”
Patrick Fitzgerald sat down for dinner with his family, but then the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, no one was there. He looked down to see a dead cat and a note saying, “Courtesy the man who ruined Fitzmas.”
“Mittens!” Fitzgerald exclaimed. He then shook his fist at the darkness outside his house. “I’ll get you for killing our cat, Karl Rove! I’ll get you yet!”
An evil laugh answered.
Karl Rove stood before The Pit of Unimaginable Terror and Punditry. Its evil light lit his face. “Dark spirits! Give me the power to manipulate the wills of others! Help me lead my enemies to their own demise! Bring forth the demon…”
“Hey, Rover!” President Bush called out.
“How did you get into my secret lair?” Rove demanded.
“As usual, I fell down a hole today.” Bush looked around. “So what are you up ta? This place looks neat.” Bush stared down the pit. “If I throw a penny down there, will my wish come true?”
“Don’t disturb anything!” Rove commanded. “There are powers here of which you could never hope to understand.”
“I saw a lot of Mexicans working in your underground mines here,” Bush said. “Is that why you keep telling me not to be a hardliner on illegal immigration?”
“It’s all part of the plan.”
“And what’s this plan lead to?”
“As predicted by the ancient Book of Punditry, when the planets and the stars and the polls align, I can summon forth a power unlike this world has ever known! With it, all will bow to me, and, if I so desire, I can even rend apart the universe itself!”
“Destroy the universe…” Bush thought about that. “Might be unpopular with the base, but well, at least we have an agenda; that’s how we keep beating the Democrats.”
“Now leave this place before I eat your soul.”
“Okey-dokey.”
Awesome.
When did Rove start acting like Mum-Ra?
…mmm-Soul, tastes like chicken…Soul Food?
And you said you were running out of things to write about… Dude, this is some of your best stuff!
Sarah – give him extra lovin’ tonight. You know, after Idol is over.
“Nothing is better for thee than me” – Rarl Kove
“Now leave this place before I eat your soul.”
“Okey-dokey.”
This is going to be a classic!
Marge…the toaster is laughing at me and Karl Rove just ate my soul…
What’s Rove gonna do? Resurrect Theodore Roosevelt?
Karl Rove is my new hero.
Wouldn’t destroying the universe be more of a co-opting of the Democrat agenda, rather than a contrast?
Oh, wait – my mistake. I got one of the planks of the Democrat platform confused. They want to destroy America in order to save the universe. Or to save some endangered plague rats. Or something.
Is Taylor “Soul Patrol” Hicks in on this soul eating racket, or is he actually Karl Rove in disguise? I’ve never seen the two of them together at the same time….
Some of your most inspired stuff in a while.
What! No TrackBacks yet?
It’s time to start casting for the movie, which will be way more funny than Hot Shots. We can get Pablo Hernandez to do his movie guy voice and stuff…
Well I’m fresh out of ideas. Guess that’s why I read and you write.
The only reason Rove stepped down from the top position at Staff, is so that he would have more time to ready his own campaign for 2008…. That’s right! Rove in 2008!!
Hilarious as usual, Frank. I needed a good laugh. 🙂
FrankJ:
Your post? Not Funny.
This story about the Democrats? Funny.
That said FrankJ, I think blogging about Kung-Fu, your Dog’s pond parties, and your lack of running water is the right way for you to go.
That stuff might not be funny. But at least you don’t look as pathetic as when you try to write biting political humor.
Think of your self-esteem FrankJ. Even a thousand guns and samauri swords will not be able to assuage your wounded ego if you keep posting garbage like this.
I just want what is best for you man.
Peace,
Monkey Faced Liberal
PS. One last friendly tip. I know you think that using the word “asinine” rather than “dumb” or “stupid” makes you look smart. But it doesn’t.
It just makes you look like a pretentious smart-ass with an inferiority complex about his poor education.
So you might want to stop.
Frank, you really need to get around to smiting that racist MFL.
Since you don’t have any water at the moment, you’ll just have to do it in a way that won’t require you to wash the blood off of yourself.
“In My World” — extremely funny. Frank J., you have my extreme gratitude. If I could, I would send you a case of the finest bottled water I could find.
Link to Onion also funny. Thank you Monkey Face. Surely, you will not be punched as hard today. Although you’re on your own with the rest of your post being what it is.
Monkey,
How come it took you so long to comment on this? You’ve been hovering around the site and writing a blogs worth of comments all day on an older post. Why keep coming here if your not even sampling the main dish.
…if I so desire, I can even rend apart the universe itself!…
Frank! Make Rove Nuke the Moon to prove he can rend apart the universe! It’d be so cool!
I’m just wondering why MFL thinks his/her/its opinion really matters in the face of the overwhelming support Frank J. gets for his IMW pieces. I guess it must be a liberal thing: repeat something enough times and it becomes true! Bend reality long enough and it will become straight again!
Hey FrankJ! I think MFL really likes you and is being mean because he doesn’t want to admit it!
Or he was on his way to a kool-ade party and got separated from the group…
That should be your next IMW post! I can see it now… flocks of people in tie dye shirts running across ANWR (because they saved us from any hope of oil independence- i mean destroying less than 2,000 acres of uninhabitable land- i mean, well you get the point). So great flocks of smelly hippies migrating across ANWR to the magical Kool-Ade forest where they will all sip the nectar of life and be free of all things conservative. But what’s this? a little hippie has lost his way! Where will he go? What will he do? So begins the tale of the little hippie who was too stupid to drink the kool-ade like everyone else.
…Maybe not… but ranting incoherently is always fun. Just ask our liberal friend.
Frank you have out done even yourself! I never knew that the Rover was behind Daily Kos! I will now treat it with much more respect! Some of your best funny ever! Thanks!
This compliment is horribly late, I apologize, but LOL awesome IMW!! Karl Rove is so much cooler here. I’ve always caught snippets that planted fake info by the vast right wing conspiracy was behind the stupidity of the liberal dems, but if it was Karl Rove instead, that makes it that much funnier.
Monkey Faced Liberal, you’re still living in that basement without work, I see. I hope the nine year old boys you’re stalking continue to elude your grasp.
MFL IS a 9 year old boy who sneaks on to his mommy’s computer when she isn’t looking! He will be the one getting the snot kicked out of him in High School…but he’ll feel good about himself!
Silverbubble,
Apparently, it’s that they think bent things are straight, and that straight things are unacceptable. Like Wicca meaning “to bend” – Those who think they can bend the world around their mind instead of using their mind to understand the world. It’s also a common theme with scientologists, new agers, lefty college professors regardless of field, two-year olds, etc.
ussjimmycarter,
Yeah, “Not beat up enough as a kid” springs to mind when I read MFL, too.