[UPDATE: Now with spooky ending!]
A horn honked outside the White House. “Hey! Bush!”
President Bush stuck his head out the window. “What?”
“I hate you!” The man sped off down the street.
Bush collapsed in his office chair. “Aww… everyone hates me.”
“Why are you talking to me?” Condoleezza Rice asked. “I don’t like you!” She left the Oval Office.
The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. “I have good news.”
“It better not be about how you saved money on car insurance because mine just went up since my insurer hate me.”
“No. The news I bring is about the popularity of Congress. It is at an all time low.” Rove handed a sheet of polling data to Bush.
“Wow! Despite polling the low thirties, I’m the most popular politician in Washington!” Bush turned to Rove. “I guess the American people just hate all politicians now. Maybe it’s time for some bi-partisan action.”
“Muh ha ha ha!” Rove disappeared back into the shadows.
Bush chuckled. “Rover sure is a jovial fella. Anyway, it’s time to make America love politicians.”

“Nothing says love like a carnival!” Bush exclaimed. “And, with a carnival run by politicians, people will love us again.”
Cheney just grumbled.
“You have to have a better spirit than that,” Bush said. “And I thought I told you to not bring a shotgun; people are going to be afraid that you’re gonna shoot ’em in the face.”
Cheney rubbed his shotgun. “Maybe they should be afraid.”
Bush turned to check on the Democrats. Nancy Pelosi’s skin was stretched back so that her teeth were bared. The site made Bush recoil in horror, and nearby children screamed and ran away. “What are you doing?” Bush demanded.
“I’m smiling,” Pelosi answered.
“Then don’t ever smile again. We’re trying to make people like us, not give them nightmares. Don’t make me regret including you Democrats.” Bush looked to Harry Reid. “So how are things going with you, Dingy Harry?”
“I keep trying to make the kids balloon animals, but they kick me in the groin.”
“Yeah, kids will do that… to you.”
“There are those stupid politicians!” a man shouted. A crowd then headed over to Bush, Cheney, Pelosi, and Reid.
“What are you going to do about illegal immigration?” one woman demanded.
“I’ll tell you what I won’t do,” Bush said, “Amnesty. I may do something that seems like amnesty and goes along with any standard definition of amnesty and everyone will call it amnesty… but it’s not amnesty because we have a different name for it.”
“The most important thing about Mexican immigrants,” Reid stated, “is getting them registered to vote.”
“And we have to make sure ballots are in Spanish,” Pelosi added.
Cheney waved his shotgun around. “I shoot Mexicans in the face!”
“This man has a plan,” the woman said, pointing to Cheney. “I like him better but hate you three goobers.”
“So what are you politicians going to do about trial lawyers bankrupting everyone?” one man asked.
“You shouldn’t be angry at trial lawyers,” Reid said. “They sue everyone to make a better America. And, no one is more charitable than them.”
“That’s true,” Bush stated. “They sure give the Democrats a lot of money, and you couldn’t find a bigger group of pathetic losers in need of charity than the Democrats.”
“I shot a trial lawyer in the face with my shotgun,” Cheney said, “and he was a friend of mine. Think of what I’ll do to the rest of them!”
“You’re the only one here who seems to know what he’s doing,” the man said to Cheney.
“I hate quails,” another person said. “Are any of you going to do something about them?”
“I kill quails with my shotgun,” Cheney answered.
Bush hit Cheney in the shoulder. “Dick! You and your shotgun better stop hogging all the popularity.”
“People, don’t just follow the gun-wielding maniac,” Pelosi told the crowd. “We Democrats care about you.” The skin on her face stretched back again.
“Why is she baring her teeth like that?” one guy asked. “Is she going to eat us?”
“That’s her smiling,” Bush said. He then thought for a moment. “For five bucks, you can hit her in the face with a pie.”
“I did not agree to any–” Pelosi was shut up when a pie struck her in the face.

“The new polls are in!” Bush exclaimed with glee. “The carnival worked! I’m up one point!”
“That could just be a statistically insignificant fluctuation in the polls,” Laura Bush said.
“Well, this is for real.” Bush held up a wad of cash. “I made this money letting people hit Nancy Pelosi in the face with a pie. Plus, I think I learned something: popularity doesn’t matter when you have money and power.”
“Well, I’m quite popular,” Laura said. “The only people who don’t like me are the craziest moonbats. Maybe I can bake them cookies.”
“You can’t ever get them to like you; they even hate themselves.”
A horn honked outside the White House. “Hey! Bush!”
President Bush stuck his head out the window. “What?”
“I’m ambivalent about you!” The man sped off down the street.
“Yes!”

Continue reading ‘In My World: The Least Hated’ »