I’ve been hard on Bush lately, but I want him to succeed. I think he can get right up there in approval ratings while making America a greater and safer nation, but he needs to follow my advice.
First thing, lose the suit. Go with the cowboy hat and duster like Walker Texas Ranger. Always have a loaded peacemaker at your side and be chomping on a cigar for effect. Also, camera crews need to follow you around all the time so the American people can see you doing all this.
Anyway, here are a few specifics of what you can do. You can probably add to this, but I’d say do all of this as a minimum:
* First, put the Democrat politicians in their place. Put out your cigar on Harry Reid’s face next time he speaks out. Tell Pelosi to shut up before the strain of talking causes her skull to shoot out her face. Ambush that nut Howard Dean while he is on a political talk show and repeat his moronic statements, each one followed by a punch to the face. Take a vial of pepper spray labeled “Holy Water” and throw it in Hillary’s face while she’s giving a speech. Have Cynthia McKinney dragged away to an insane asylum and threaten to do the same to anyone who voted for her. Bind Patrick Kennedy and put him in the front seat of a crash test car. Before hitting the button to slam him into a wall, tell him, “When the ambulance comes, say you were on the way to a vote.” As for Big Fat Teddy K, next time he liquors up, put him in a car and then push it off a bridge saying, “Let’s see if you can still swim, you fat bastard!”
* Next, take on the liberal moonbats. Just hunt down a few of the nuts like Kos and slap them around on camera so Americans see what a bunch of weenie little loons they are. Do the same with freak college professors in some random visits to different college campuses (start a contest students can enter called “Have the President Publicly Beat the Crap Out of My Liberal College Professor”). Just ignore Hollywood, because that’s what hurts them the most.
* Now put Congress and spending in its place by freezing the assets of everyone in Congress just like you do terrorists until Congress can decided how to get federal spending under control. Beat with a chair the first person to suggest more taxes.
* Douse with gasoline and threaten with a match the next politician who tries to demagogue the gasoline costs issue. Have him weepingly explain to the camera as he begs for his life how gas prices are set and the many issues involved.
* Take all the available National Guard and lead them into march through Mexico to Vicente Fox’s house. Smash it up a bit, take a few things you like, and, if Fox gets pissy, tell him that your just respecting the borders as much as he is and, if he likes to keep the status quo, he can expect more visits. Divert funding from welfare to buying arms for Minutemen.
* Kidnap Kofi Anan and have him battle John Bolton in a cage match. When Bolton emerges the victor, declare him new leader of the U.N. Let him clean house of illegitimate governments such as dictatorships and Communists. Throw France off the Security Council and instead give them their own special corner to cower in.
* Next time you meet with “President” Hu Jintao of China, after he finishes saying how great it is to have a meeting and how gracious you are, shoot him in the kneecaps and remark, “America never gets tired of shooting Communists, and we never will.”
* Have a meeting with Hugo Chavez. As soon as he starts to talk, punch him in the throat. Then grab his head and start slamming it against a table until he agrees to face the cameras and admit he’s “a dainty little girl.”
* Meet with the Hamas leaders of the Palestinians.
HAMAS: We will not recognize the existence of Israel. That’s our policy.
:: Bush pulls out a gun and shoots the Hamas leader in the head. ::
BUSH: I kill terrorists. That’s my policy.
* Give the military full authorization to use whatever force it feels necessary in Iraq. If things spill over into Syria or Iran, well, you’re “lax on border issues.”
* As for Iran, tell them they better get moving on their nuclear program if they want to retaliate because you’re going to nuke Tehran in three days. Then go on vacation for three days and be completely unreachable.
Now that is how you be a President. So take my advice, President Bush, and regain respect while setting example for future generations on to properly use violence to solve problems (I don’t want things too screwed up before I’m old enough to take office in 2016). Remember, when you scare everyone, the more so you scare our enemies.
Excellent! Now why didn’t they choose YOU for the new White House Chief of Staff rather than that weenie that they now have! I say let’s implement all of the above starting with the punching of Howie Dean!!! I also very much like the part about tying Kennedy into a car as a crash test dumy…but aren’t you insulting crash test dummies a bit here, Frank?
Frank J.
I notice most of your suggestions involve violence. I think the complete, pathetic failure of your hero George Bush is causing you to become a bit angry.
I think you need a HUG.
So here, I am sending you a big HUG through the Internet!
HUG!
Gotta Go! I see some young pregnant Christain girls on the street, and I need to go persuade them to have partial birth abortions.
Best!
Monkey Faced Liberal
P.S. Love the Walker Texas Ranger reference. Is the complete collection on your DVD shelf, right next to your boxed sets of Airwolf and JAG?
Grr! Monkey Faced Liberal’s words make Frank mad! Frank yell now! Grr!
Seriously, though, what was Airwolf about? That was out when I was little and I never saw it.
You hit the nail on the head Frank J. Finally, someone else that understands that sometimes, violence actually IS the answer! Good job!
Frank J.
When I was a kid, Airwolf was one of my favorite shows. It was awesome!
From Amazon:
Airwolf is the most sophisticated helicopter imaginable (flies halfway round the world, outruns jet planes).
Stars: Jan-Michael Vincent, Ernest Borgnine and some guy in a white suite with a cane and a eye patch.
You should check it out! I think anyone over 21 who is into Samuari Swords, thinks dressing up like Walker Texas Ranger is cool, and thinks that a long rant where he pretends that Bush kills a bunch of world leaders qualifies as “political humor” will love Airwolf!
Also, why did my words make you angry? I sent you a hug!
Do you need another HUG? Here it comes!
HUG!
Best,
Monkey Faced Liberal
PS. I was planning on writing above that I have to go and “waste government money like any good liberal,” but I have since discovered that George Bush and the Republican Congress have beat me to it!
Too bad. I guess I will just have to knit some rifle cozies for Iraqi insurgents instead.
I wouldn’t want Ali’s AK-47 to get cold and give him a chill!
Now that’s a president. One addition though…I’d put MFL in with Patrick Kennedy since dummies usually ride in pairs.
I want a president who’s not afraid to kick ass and take names.
This is a great list, but the best chance of getting it noticed would be to have it read out loud by Jimmy Kimmel on “The Man Show”. THAT is the outlet that would appreciate this stance and embrace it.
Plus I totally believe that if Bush were to adopt this attitude he would be voted sexiest president ever, as cowboy duster coats are YUMMY!!
He would be the sexiest President ever if he wore his cowboy hat again. I think they made his suit look demure on Monday night’s speech. S’up with that? What happened to bold? Come on President Bush! Put your wranglers on!
Thanks Frank. You give good presidential advice.
Frank – your vacation has mellowed you.
MFL – Perhaps you would like to test my collection of Samuari hardware. I have a nice 5th century six foot ceremonial piece that would make a lovely crease in your nose with the proper technique.
Please note however that this post contains no hostility.
our vacation has mellowed you
I’ll murder you dead for saying that!
Yeee Ha! Ram it home!
Let me see:
1. Not Cat related
2. Not Pitbull-Heinz 57 related
3. Not tv show related
4. FUNNY!!!
This is one of the best posts I’ve seen in months. Thank you.
I’ll vote for you in 2016! Clear thinking and a good attitude makes for good executive policy! As for MFL, maybe the good sailors on the USS Ronald Reagan could use the steam catapult (and MFL) to demonstrate the “Wedgie Launch”!
Rose Kennedy was asked how she lived to be so old and she said, “Drink and eat in moderation, and never, ever let Teddy drive you anywhere”.
Great Advice!
But what’s up with MFL? Now he claims he can knit! Ha! Yeah, like he has opposable thumbs! Most monkey-faced liberals have delusions of grandeur…Poor little MFL has delusions of grandmotherhood.
Funny post Frank. Great list; thanks for keeping the cats out of it.
Don’t respond to MFL, he’s probably fat and stupid. God, I love appealing to the lowest common denominator when insulting someone!!!
Just kidding MFL, was wrong of me to call you fat. How can I stay mad at a cute little monkey like you? Let the flaming begin! Wheeeee!
Ya know I’ve only started paying attention to blogs in the last few months or so; I have to say this is the strangest site, that I actually like, so far.
I bet if he resigned his approval rating would go sky high!
Leaders aren’t concerned with the opinions of others MFL. As a matter of fact, I bet he even makes decisions without the benefit of focus groups! Sorry but he won’t resign. Nice try though.
Cary, it’s not strange, it’s satire with conviction and guts brought to you by genuinly funny people who speak to the truth.
Cary:
“God, I love appealing to the lowest common denominator when insulting someone!!!”
Hmm. As a monkey faced liberal, I always try to be open to new ideas, even though I generally don’t agree with insulting people. I prefer to love my fellow citizen.
Still, let me try this idea out Cary.
Cary you are so stupid you lie huddled under the sheets at night, afraid that the big, bad illegal immigrants are coming to get you.
Of course, even if there were big bad illegal immigrants roaming the countryside looking to attack, they wouldn’t bother with you Cary, because you are an ugly dirty skank who would open her legs for a half-quart of chocolate ice-cream.
Nah Cary, I do not really like the insulting people lowest common denominator insults.
Thanks for the idea though.
Peace
Monkey Faced Liberal
Liberal Face Monkey, or whatever,
It’s all in the delivery. You need to work on yours. Typed words still convey a message even without benefit of vocal an non-vocal cues. You’re just a mean SOB. Prove me wrong…
MFL,
No incomodaré insultarle. Usted carece obviamente la estabilidad emocional para encontrar humor agresivo divertido. Estoy seguro que tiene algo hacer con no ser criado al pecho como niño. Sin embargo, sus defectos personales y postura degradante hacia mujeres subraya verdad el odio de la izquierda de cualquier persona que no convenga con su agenda socialista. Desafortunadamente las mujeres de la confianza y de las minorías que no aceptan que necesitan la ayuda de gobierno son una amenaza a la izquierda ideal de un gobierno más grande para cada uno. A propósito escribí esto en inglés y tuve que utilizar software para traducirlo. Soy un americano y puesto que nuestros documentos de fundación fueron escritos en inglés al igual que cualquier correspondencia entre los padres de fundación, él soy realmente la Ë™nica lengua que necesito saber. Desafortunadamente, la traducción tiende para perder algo del instinto original tan esperanzadamente que mi punto se toma bien.
PaleoMedic:
A little confused by your post:
“Typed words still convey a message even without benefit of vocal an non-vocal cues.”
Yeah. I agree. Typed words do convey a message without vocal and non-vocal cues. It is called a written language. Your point?
“You’re just a mean SOB. Prove me wrong…”
I am just a peace-loving monkey faced liberal! I like to try new things people suggest to me (like making lowest common denominator insults).
I like to help out my fellow man. (Which is why I offered Frank J a “Virtual Hug” since he seems upset over the complete, pathetic failure of his hero George Bush ).
And of course I like to further a godless progressive agenda. What card carrying liberal doesn’t?
If that makes me a mean SOB, well, I guess so be it.
But it could be worse.
I could be a middle-aged bald man driving a Hyundia in Wyoming who seriously thinks that Saddam had anything to do with 9/11.
Man, that would suck.
Hypothetically speaking, of course.
Peace!
Monkey Faced Liberal
“I bet if he resigned his approval rating would go sky high!”
Was NOT written by me. Just FYI.
Hugs!
Monkey Faced Liberal
MFL, isn’t queer eye for the straight guy on or something?
USSJimmyCarter:
Let me check my TV Schedule….
No, doesn’t look like it. Darn. I need some advice on how to best redo my window furnishings.
However, I did catch ANTM tonight. It was awesome!
I was so happy that Jade got the boot. Then Tyra kept us guessing — I thought for sure she was going to pick Joanie (who is great, don’t get me wrong), but she ended up going with my girl Danielle.
That Danielle is a bit more Fierce than Joanie, know what I mean?
Of course, I doubt that show is really your cup of tea, is it USS?
I could be wrong, but I think this is more along the lines of what you are looking for in entertainment.
Me, I prefer a little more meat on the bone, so to speak, but I hope you enjoy the link (Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink)!
Just try and keep your keyboard clean!
We Monkey Faced Liberals might support sexual freedom, but we also know that cleanliness is next to godlessness!
Peace
Monkey Faced Liberal
A search at AltaVista BabelFish Translation for the post by Leo A search at AltaVista BabelFish Translation for the post by Leo gives the mono-linguistically impaired, such as myself who believes that English is spoken here, an insight : “Incomodaré not to insult to him. You lack the emotional stability obvious to find aggressive humor amused. I am sure that it has something to do with not being bred to the chest like boy. Nevertheless, its personal defects and degrading position towards women the hatred of the left of any person emphasizes truth who does not agree with her socialist agenda. Unfortunately the women of the confidence and the minorities that do not accept that they need the aid government are a threat to the ideal left of a greater government for each one. To intention I wrote this in English and I had to use software to translate it. I am an American and since our documents of foundation were written in English like any correspondence between the foundation parents, he I am really the only language who I need to know. Unfortunately, the translation tends to lose something of the original instinct so esperanzadamente that my point is taken well.” Good going Leo. I dislike trolls too.
Phobos, why do you dislike trolls? What they lack in charm, wit and intelligence they make up for in their utter punchability. A good troll is money in the bank for a blogger.