Archive of entries posted on January 2004

Money and Recognition

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When I wrote the “PREVIOUSLY ON IN MY WORLD” part to my In My World™ post today, I decided out of whimsy to add a “SPONSORED BY” part and chose Harvey’s Bad Money since he occasionally throws a couple bucks my way when he really likes an IMW and was the first loser (i.e., came in second place) for the infamous permalink contest. Now, I’m thinking of making it a permanent feature. For the current asking price of five dollars, you can earn yourself a place in In My World™ history by sponsoring a post. I already have a taker for the next one, but I’ll accept for the three after that as well (one per customer). The procedure will be to <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMus what you would like your sponsorship ad to say (I’m going to say up to 100 characters, html tags not counting, i.e., you can have as many hyperlinks in it as you want). If I approve your sponsorship, you will then need to send me the five bucks through paypal along with the text of the ad in the notes. Do not send money by paypal before approval (unless you just like giving me money). This will be first come, first serve. Later, I’ll decide whether to discontinue this or to take more sponsors (and maybe raise the price – Muh ha ha ha!).
Jonah Goldberg has not responded to my hate mail. It is safe to assume I have reduced him to a quivering spineless mass. Soon I will be the most recognized, humorous conservative in the blogosphere! Muh ha ha ha!
According to me Extreme Tracking, I should pass the one million mark for unique visitors this coming month. As celebration, I will have a new permalink contest. This one will have only one round to it, as contestant will be selected by a random number generator from those who apply. There will also be a twist to this one and maybe enough prizes that I’ll let people without blogs apply to compete too. More details later. Muh ha ha ha!
Well, that really didn’t require an evil laugh, but I was trying to keep up the tempo.

Jonah Goldberg Put to the Test

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I’ve decided to find out for myself if Jonah Goldberg is worthy of my admiration. Thus, it’s time to see if he can stand up to…
THE HATE MAIL!
My first hate mail to Michael Moore was so devastating that it left him speechless. My second hate mail… well… never got e-mailed since Moore’s mailbox was constantly full – probably with lot’s of hate mail (though none as rambling and incoherent as mine, I guarantee you). Now it’s time to test Jonah’s fortitude by subjecting him to my wrath.
First, though, I must set myself in the mindset of a liberal so that I can properly hate Jonah.
Duh, no blood for oil! Free Mumia! Bush is Hitler! I like tofu!
There, mindset achieved. And now to compose…

From: imao@cfl.rr.com
To: JonahNRO@aol.com
Subject: This is not hate mail
Ha! Fooled you! This is hate mail!
Your ideas are different from mine which makes you not just wrong… but evil! And your columns are horrible and no one likes them. Everyone just acts like they like them because they’re too afraid to tell you the truth and hurt your feelings. Well I’m not afraid – You suck! Also, many times you have improperly quoted the Simpsons, perhaps the worst case of journalistic neglect in this nation’s history.
And everyone else at National Review hates you – Ramesh told me so. He’ll probably deny it if you ask him… but it’s true!
So, in summary, you are wrong and evil, write bad columns, sometimes improperly quote the Simpsons, and everyone hates you.
The purpose of this e-mail was to make you feel bad, so, if that happened, please write back telling me so that I may know I was victorious. If it failed to make you feel bad, please tell me that as well so I can improve my hate mail in the future. Thanks.
-Frank J.
http://imao.us
P.S. Are you related to that wrestler? No no… not that wrestler; the one from the Slim Jim commercials. What’s his name… uh… Oh yeah! Macho Man Randy Savage! You kinda look and sound like him.

Ha! Let’s see how he takes that. My guess it will reduce him to a quivering mass, allowing me to replace him at NRO. Muh ha ha ha!

In My World: All Hail the Coming of the Lord

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PREVIOUSLY ON IN MY WORLD: Bush, to help his reelection bid, hired Jesus as a consultant and… ah, screw it. Just read the damn thing. I’m too busy to summarize it for you.
THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY – Bad Money: A celebration of graffiti currency and other off-the-wallery

“So now Jesus has to leave soon since he has to ‘save souls’ and what not,” Bush explained to Scott McClellan.
“So does that mean I get my job back?” Scott asked excitedly.
Bush shrugged his shoulders. “I guess so.”
“Yes!” Scott yelled, pumping his fist in the air. “Just one more question though.”
“What?”
“You want fries with that?”
Bush swatted Scott across the head, knocking his paper hat off. “I asked for a value meal, dumbass! That comes with fries! Don’t make me talk to your manager, you incompetent boob!”

Bush settled down on the couch reading the morning paper. “Why do these black people in Boondocks hate me?” he asked aloud. “Well I hate them!” He then growled as he tore the paper in two.
“Honey!” Laura chided, “Don’t rip up that paper before I get a chance to look at it.”
“Sorry dear,” Bush answered. Just then, the doorbell rang, and Bush went to answer the door. As soon as he opened it, he heard a choir of angels as a Being stood before him, His brilliance blinding yet soothing. He faced Bush eye to eye while at the same time standing infinitely tall. “I have come,” the Being announced, his voice echoing throughout all existence.
Bush turned around and called out, “Jesus! Your Dad is here!”
“Oh no! I didn’t realize God was stopping by!” Laura exclaimed, “I would of tidied up more!”
“Don’t worry,” spoketh the Lord as he let Himself in, “The place is immaculate… and I know immaculate.”
“Well, would you like something to eat?” Laura asked.
“No, I’m not staying long,” answered the Almighty, “and… uh… I’m not really corporeal anyway. But thanks for the offer.”
“Have a seat while I go find Jesus,” Bush told God as he walked off into the White House.
God sat down on a sofa and relaxed on the sofa. Just then Rumsfeld walked in with Chomps following him, a goofy smile on the doggie face. “You’re God, aren’t you?” Rumsfeld asked.
“What if I am?” sayeth the Lord.
“Fix my dog!” Rumsfeld commanded, shaking his fist at God.
“He is kinda wacky happy,” spoketh the Lord, looking over Chomps.
“Your son wussified him!” Rumsfeld yelled.
“Yeah,” stated God, Almighty, “He’s always been a love and peace type. Me, I like the occasional smiting of the unbelievers. Haven’t got to do that in a while, though.” He turned to Chomps. “Hey, boy. Want to do some role-playing?” God pointed to a nearby loveseat. “Let’s say that’s a heathen. What do we do to heathens?”
Chomps stared at the loveseat. Slowly his smile faded and his mouth closed. His eyes squinted. Ever so slightly the back of lips began to curl as a growl rose from deep inside him. Soon he was snarling wildly, snapping in the air as saliva flew everywhere. Finally, he leapt at the loveseat, tearing it to pieces in a matter of seconds.
“Wow!” Rumsfeld exclaimed, “He’s angrier than ever!”
“A dog worthy of the Old Testament,” proclaimed the Lord.
“The loveseat!” Laura cried upon seeing the scene.
“Oh, sorry,” God said, and then pulled out His wallet. He handed Laura a wad of bills. “Go buy yourself a nice new one.”
“Well… uh… can’t you just use your omnipotence to fix it?” Laura asked.
“Don’t tell me how to be God,” the Almighty answered sharply.
Bush now came into the room along with Jesus. “Whoa! What happened here?” Bush asked upon seeing the wreck of a loveseat. He turned to Laura. “Did you make God wrathful?”
“It was Chomps,” Laura answered, pointing at the wildly angry dog. For a second, Chomps stopped randomly snapping his jaws in the air to sniff around.
“What is it, boy?” Rumsfeld asked, “Do you smell hippies?”
Chomps barked an angry affirmative.
“Let’s kill ’em!” Rumsfeld shouted as they both ran out the White House.
“Come on, Jesus,” commanded the Lord as he stood up, “We have lots of prayers to handle.”
“Didn’t you install the spam filters?” Jesus inquired.
“Yeah, and they sort out all the prayers that mention the lottery or penis enlargement,” God answered, “but there’s still a lot left to take care of.” Suddenly, God’s cell phone rang. “What?” God asked, answering it. “No… Really? …I guess I better get on that.” God shook his head as he hung up His phone and put it away. “Me-damn, that Lucifer is such a bastard. Well, we need to get going.”
“Thanks for having me over,” Jesus said as he and God headed out the door, “If you ever need anything, just send a prayer our way.”
“Will do,” Bush said, and then closed the door. “Man,” he sighed aloud, “I never thought I’d get rid of those two. I guess I learned an important lesson: never mix politics and religion or God will have a dog destroy your loveseat with divine anger.”
“You didn’t learn anything,” Laura said with annoyance. “Now I have to go shopping for new furniture.”
As she went out the door, Scott ran in. “So do I get my job back?”
“Yep,” Bush answered, “You start right now. The press are waiting.”
“I can finally take off this stupid thing!” Scott said triumphantly as he removed his paper hat.
“No!” Bush shouted, “Keep that on. New White House policy is that the Press Secretary has to wear a paper hat for sanitary purposes.”
“But… but… that’s stupid!”
“Jesus didn’t have a problem with it,” Bush answered, “He wore his hat to all the press conferences.”
“Well… if Jesus did it,” Scott said as he slowly put back on his hat. He then moped off to greet the press.
Bush chuckled to himself. “Damn, that guy is gullible.”

“…and I think that fully explains Bush’s motives on Iraq and clears any idea of wrong doing on his part,” Scott told the press confidently.
“That may be true,” answered a reporter, “but you’re still wearing a paper hat.” All the press then started laughing.
“I hate you all!” Scott sobbed as he ran off.
Just then, Melinda Hawkish of Fox News showed up with her cameraman. “You’re a little late for the press conference, you whore for the right-wing,” said Lefty Stevens of CNN.
“I’m not here for the press conference, you liberal pinhead,” Melinda answered, “I’m hosting a special episode of When Animals Attack.”
“What animals are attacking?” Lefty asked and then spotted a mass moving towards him out of the corner of his eye. A very angry mass. “AHHH!”

He’s Chomps, Chomps, the world’s angriest dog.
YEAH!

I Need a New Enemy!

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I think I’m done antagonizing Glenn Reynolds. I’ve exposed his terrible secret about his drinking habits to the world, and now it’s time to bury the hatchet. Until we turn the Alliance into the ultimate blog portal, his site is still one of the best places to find interesting news and blog links.
So who should be my next enemy? Margaret Cho seems like an interesting target. She a “professional” comedian trying to encroach on my turf, and maybe I should lay the law down on this wacky leftist. I could start the “Cho Must Go” club.
My other idea is to tackle who used to be my favorite columnist: Jonah Goldberg. In the Corner yesterday, he said that Cosmo is the “it” dog of the American right. I sent an e-mail to him explaining that Chomps is the “it” dog of the American right and demanding a retraction… and he rebuked me! In the same e-mail, he admitted that his last column was a rehash of a theme he’s done before. Everyone knows I would never rehash the same theme (that would be as lame as Aquaman). Thus, I’ve come to one conclusion: Jonah Goldberg is mad – mad with power! And I think it’s time I replace him. I’m younger, hipper, and even better at working a Simpson’s quote into any written piece.
What do you think? Who should be my next target in the blogosphere?
More as this develops…

Say It Ain’t So, Dubya! Say It Ain’t So!

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I’ve been hearing rumors that Bush is going to double the budge of the National Endowment of the Arts. We conservatives have been trying to get rid of the NEA for years; we hate art! And we hate artists even more! The only art I find any use for is the martial kind.
Am I missing something? Is all this money going towards sculptures made from the skulls of our enemies? If not, I don’t want my money going towards more feces smeared Virgin Mary paintings. Time to really start lobbying the government for a check box on our tax forms that says “Please just spend my money on cruise missiles.”

Setting Sites on Kerry

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I guess should comment some on who’s looking more likely to be the Democrat’s presidential nominee: John Kerry. But what’s the best way to make fun of a haughty, French-looking Senator from Massachusetts who – by the way – served in Vietnam? Any ideas? I was thinking of making fun of his hair.
The status quo must be preserved even if the whole world must be upheaved in the process!

Frank Answers: Purpuro and Bathrobes, a Frank J. Successor, and Tin-Foil Hats

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Miranda from Pick a city writes:
“Larry Purpuro, coordinator of the Republicans’ e.GOP Project in 2000, said many bloggers were little more than `armchair analysts in their bathrobes [with] no serious interest in leaving their living rooms to actually help the campaigns.'”
Inquiring minds want to know: Do Samurai wear bathrobes?
Well, the clothing has been compared to pajamas, but I never wear a bathrobe because this is Florida and it is too warm here. Plus, I live in my own house; at who’s accord am I being modest?
Right now I’m blogging in jam-jam bottoms and a white undershirt. Take that, Purpuro!
Earl from Des Moines, Iowa who forgot to include her URL as instructed asks:
When you become the next Dave Barry will you use your site for shameless self-promotion, abandon it altogether, or name a successor? How about Wind Rider (http://silentrunning.tv/)? Or is it too early to start nominating people?
When I become rich and powerful, I will crush anyone who might be a threat to me. There will be no successor! If Wind Rider is any good at humor, he will be destroyed! There will only be Frank! And all will mourn and weep my passing!
Edward C. writes:
Can you incorporate the term “tin-foil hats” into more of your humor? I just crack up every time I hear that.
Sorry, but Kucinich isn’t going to get the nomination.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

They’re Heeeeere…

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I finally got my t-shirts! I guess Doug wasn’t in a rush to get them to me since I wasn’t paying for them. Then again, I’m too important to pay for things. Anyway, the it’s another masterpiece by ThoseShirts.com; the printing couldn’t be anymore perfect (well, technically, there aren’t levels to “perfect” so that was a very gramatically incorrect statement, but you know what I mean). Since they started shipping back in December, I know a lot of people have your shirts now. So how are you liking them? I’m going to wear mine to work tomorrow. Discuss, discuss. Buy, buy.

“What are you? A comedian?”
“Well, I’m no Margaret Cho…”

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The Blogfather was right: Technorati is fun.
The Meatriarchy shows I’m funnier than Margaret Cho and deserving of a Bloggie by comparing her letter to Michael Moore to my letter to Michael Moore. I remember how my college roommate always considered Cho the eptiome of unfunniness, so this isn’t the greatest compliment… but hey, it’s better than saying I want to control children, am less funny than women, and want to abuse Max Beerbohm. Check it out.

Q. What Do Glenn Reynolds and Frank J. Have in Common?

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A. We both are horribly abusive to children and want to control women.
I guess that needs some explanation.
Prof. Reynolds mentioned there was a article in Wired magazine about him, and I checked it out to see if they asked any hard hitting questions about his energy drink preferences. Instead, it was a list of his favorite sites. Through some typographical error, IMAO was omitted, but one that was listed was Technorati. I had completely forgotten about that site, relying on trackback pings to find out who is talking about me.
Anyhoo, I plugged imao.us into Technorati and found a blog called “A TCS Blog” that had this to say:

Attachment Parenting is excellent and quite TCS with regards to infants. And when Alice or Camille support it, they are very quick to mention the aspects of it which they disagree with. When providing links to Instapundit or IMAO, however, they rarely add qualifiers like “Just try to ignore the fact that he’s horribly abusive to children and wants to control women.”

To which I say, “Gwa?”
And what is TCS?
Actually, I know a little bit about it since, incidentally, Camille chastised me a long time ago about a post she thought was demeaning to children (I think this was the post).
Well, I’m not sure what Dan of A TCS Blog really means, so I do not yet cry “muckadoo”, but I would like to clarify my position on women and children:
I would very much like to control women (who wouldn’t?), but they are way too moody and emotional for that. Also, I think children are stupid and should be demeaned and patronized. If you think that is abuse – whatever; I don’t care. I was once a child, so I know from experience they are very dumb. If it weren’t for my parents patronizing me and talking down to me, I’d have probably stuck my fingers in an electrical socket while drinking sweet, sweet Drano. Actually, I think anyone younger than me is dumb and should be looked down upon intellectually. You hear that, 23 year olds? You’re dumb.
If those views offend anyone who believes in TCS, well, TS.
Sometimes I don’t care if anyone else finds this funny; I crack myself up.

Top Ten Ways Bush Could Lose the Election

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It’s not a shoe-in that Bush will be elected president once again, so I’d thought I’d list what could most likely throw off his campaign.
TOP TEN WAYS BUSH COULD LOSE THE ELECTION
10. New double-butterfly ballot causes stupid voters to accidentally vote for who they meant to vote for.
9. For his T.V. spots, he hires the people who did those original Mentos commercials.
8. Is unable to prove that that prostitute was already dead before he got there.
7. Loses conservative base by increasing spending, raising taxes, and aborting every baby in sight.
6. Before the election, he fails to find WMD’s, Osama bin Laden, and pants.
5. Finally convinces everyone there are no similarities between him and Hitler just before Hitler has a huge popularity boost.
4. Alienates Catholic voters by murdering the pope.
3. It’s revealed he is an illegal immigrant and is deported to Mexico.
2. Loses his loveable dumb guy image by curing cancer.
1. Starts new space program; sends men to wrong moon.