Archive of entries posted on December 2003

I’ll Let Other People Be Funny

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Reader Tom Burns sent this joke in and I thought it was pretty good so I’d share:

“A War In Iraq”
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down
a road when they hear a voice call from behind
a sand dune. “One United States Marine is better
than ten Iraqis!”
The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best
soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle
breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out,”One United States Marine is
better than one hundred Iraqis!”
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100
troops over the dune and instantly a huge fire fight
commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out again, “One United States
Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!”
The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand
fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons,
rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is
fought. Then silence, eventually one wounded Iraqi
fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying
words tells his commander,
“Don’t send any more men, it’s a trap. There’s two
of them!”

Tis the Season to Be Lazy

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I think I’m burnt out. I couldn’t even think of the slightest funny thing to write today. Ya see, this is my last week of work before I take a two week vacation in Idaho and Utah with my family, and things are getting really busy both at work and at home. I think I better just announce a hiatus now until next year (which is the election year and should be ripe with material). That’s not to say I won’t be posting anything, because perhaps a muse will strike me (or give me a good pummeling), but I’m just not guaranteeing anything.
Also, while my internet access will be limited during the holiday season, I do have some plans for posting, but on a serious subject for a change (like doing some actual reporting on a news story that isn’t getting much press). More details later.
Until then, have a Merry Christmas, a Chappy Chanukah, and a Kwazy Kwanza (whatever the f__k that is).
UPDATE: Oh yeah, and remember to click through my Amazon.com link on my sidebar for holiday shopping so I get money. Mmm… money.

In My World: Ace in the Hole

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Rumsfeld entered the oval office, a solemn look on his face. “Mr. President, I want to warn you that first reports aren’t always accurate but…”
Bush jumped up knocking over his desk in the process. “We caught Saddam didn’t we?”
“We got the bastard!” Rumsfeld answered, smiling. “Found him hiding in a hole!”
“I always said we should look in holes!” Bush exclaimed. Both of them danced around the office.
Daschle now entered. “I just want to say that I’m very saddened by how… Hey! Why are you two so happy?”
“We caught Saddam, you slimy weasel!” Bush shouted with glee.
“Oh f__k!” Daschle exclaimed.
“I know!” Bush yelled, “Let’s beat up Daschle in celebration!”
Rumsfeld grabbed Daschle from behind while Bush prepared to punch him. Laura Bush then walked into the room. “Why are you two beating up Daschle in a celebratory manner?” she demanded.
“We caught Saddam!” Bush answered.
“Well, golly gosh, isn’t that good news,” Laura said smiling, “but isn’t there something better to do now that pummel Daschle… such as question Saddam?”
“You’re right dear,” Bush said, thinking over, “Off to Iraq once more!”

“There was no reason to bring a turkey, dear,” Laura told Bush.
“No. It’s tradition,” Bush protested, “When you come to Iraq, you bring a turkey. That’s what we did last time.”
“That’s because it was Thanksgiving.”
“But… uh… oh…” Bush handed the turkey over to the guard. “Here’s a turkey. Where’s Saddam?”
“He’s waiting inside,” the guard said. Bush, Laura, and Rumsfeld quickly hurried inside the cell. There stood Saddam, staring back at them defiantly.
“I well tell you fools nothing!” he shouted.
“Rummy, you can ask the first question,” Bush said.
Rumsfeld lunged at Saddam. “I’ll strangle you! Rarr!” The guards held Rumsfeld back.
“Jeepers!” Laura exclaimed.
“I guess he’ll be the bad cop,” Bush remarked and then looked to Saddam. “Now you answer my questions or we’ll unrestrain Rumsfeld. What are your ties to Al Qaeda?”
“I tell you nothing, American pig dog!” Saddam shouted back defiantly.
“Have you been leading the insurgents?”
“You will get no answers from me, American dog pig!” Saddam snarled.
“Where are your WMD’s?”
“You will learn nothing from me, pig American dog!”
“If two cars are eighty miles apart and heading towards each other, one going 40 mph and the other 50 mph, how long until they pass?”
“I will never tell you, dog American pig!”
“We’ll see how strong your resolve is!” Bush yelled and then yanked on Saddam’s mustache.
“Okay! I talk!” Saddam screamed, “They pass each other in around fifty minutes!”
“Fifty three and a third minutes, you evil dictator!” Bush shouted, “but if you show me your work, I’ll give you partial credit!”
“Bah! I spit at your partial credit!” Saddam returned defiantly.
“This is getting us nowhere!” Rumsfeld objected, “Let’s just skip to the discussion of what we do with his corpse.”
“But I’m not dead,” Saddam objected.
Bush backhanded Saddam. “Shut up!”
“I say we cut him into four pieces and place each piece at the four corners of the world as a warning to others,” Rumsfeld offered.
“I say we give him a taste of his own medicine,” Bush said, “and bury him in a mass grave… a mass grave of one!”
“You will do nothing to me, Junior Bush!” Saddam yelled, “I curse you to be a one-termer like your father!”
“You take that back!” Bush exclaimed, lunging at Saddam as the guards tried to restrain him back.
“I think we should let the Iraqis deal with him,” Laura said, “They’re the ones who have been most harmed by him.”
“But that mean man tried to kill my daddy!” Bush objected, “I want to murder him dead myself.”
“You have to put other’s needs above your own, dear,” Laura said.
Saddam made a whipping sound.
“That’ enough out of you!” Bush said, “Maybe we could just exile him to France.”
“Please, no!” Saddam pleaded, “Be merciful, younger Bush! Just a bullet to the head!”
“I think that’s for the Iraqi people to decide,” Laura stated.
“As always, dear, you’re very smart and don’t smell like a monkey,” Bush said, and then looked to Saddam, “Unlike certain evil dictators I know.” He turned back to Rumsfeld and Laura. “Since that’s decided, let’s get something to eat. I hear they just opened a new McDonald’s franchise down the street. It’s like a regular McDonald’s in America, but, to adapt to the local culture, everyone working there has a bushy mustache.”

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions about the Medicare bill,” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, “So let’s get started.”
“Actually, all of our questions are about the capture of Saddam Hussein, actually,” stated one reporter.
“Well, we hope to find him soon, but it’s a large country and locating him could take time,” Scott answered.
“But you did locate him,” a reporter said, “Bush is over there questioning him now.”
“What?” Scott exclaimed, confused, “We caught him?”
“Yeah, on Saturday.”
“So how are we going to execute him?” asked Fox News reporter Melinda Hawkish, “And will the video of his execution have audio so we can hear his screams?”
“I had to hear about this from the press! That bastard!” Scott exclaimed, ignoring the question.
“So you know less than us?” asked a reporter.
“If that’s possible, yes,” Scott said irately.
“So what do you think is the president’s stance on this?”
Scott rolled his eyes. “I think he’s happy… so happy he didn’t think to tell his Press Secretary. Do we have any non-Saddam questions that I might be able to answer?”
“I have some about the Barney Christmas video,” said a reporter.
“Super,” Scott answered, and then grumbled to himself, “Let’s talk about that stupid terrier.”
“My favorite part was when Barney was playing cards with Ari Fleischer,” giggled one reporter, “I miss him.”
“Shut up.”

We Like Totally Captured Saddam!

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We got the bastard!
Congratulations to the fighting men and women in Iraq and to the Iraqi people.
Consolations to the press and to the Democrats. I guess you can use the line, “Well, you still don’t have Osama!” but I’m not sure how well that will go over (I’d probably punch you).
In celebration, I’m not going to wait until the last minute to vote in the New Weblog Showcase. Here is my vote. Check it out. Hey! How did he get Google ads and they regected me?
Like Saddam, General Douchebaggery must be defeated!
Expect an In My World™ on the topic of Saddam’s capture tomorrow.
UPDATE: LOL! “Ace in the hole.” -Brit Hume
UPDATE 2: Our military kicks ass.

The Misadventures of Howie and Skeeter

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Apparently the Bush administration is focusing on Howard Dean as being the challenge in the 2004 election, so I think I should to. Instead of just using my parody skills to forward my own agenda, I thought I might try and find some real news about Howard Dean. Ends up I found out through an FBI contact (don’t ask) that there had been constant monitoring of Howard Dean and his friend Richard Robertson throughout the seventies because of suspicion of their involvement with a Columbian drug ring (which ended up being hardly true at all). Here are some select excerpts from the transcripts.

Feburary 11, 1970. Subjects Howard “Howie” Dean and Richard “Skeeter” Robertson are at Dean’s home.
Howie: Dude, I’m like bored.
Skeeter: I know, dude. What can we do?
Howie: I dunno; I was asking you, dude.
Skeeter: Well, there is like a war in Vietnam going on. We could go help out with that.
Howie: Dude, that sounds hard. And my back hurts.
Skeeter: Well… we could go skiing.
Howie: Righteous!

March 23, 1970. Subjects Howard “Howie” Dean and Richard “Skeeter” Robertson are at a meeting in an abandoned warehouse.
Howie: Dude, we’re like totally going to be agents for the KGB.
Skeeter: I know, dude. Communism is like so cool and capitalism like totally sucks.
Howie: Dude, that is so true.
Unidentified KGB Agent: So are you two ready to spy against America for mother Russia?
Howie: Totally.
Skeeter: Yeah, we totally want to help, Commie dude.
Agent: Remember, you must never be discovered, though. If you are captured, you must take these cyanide pills.
Skeeter: Whoa! Cyanide like totally sucks.
Howie: I don’t think I do this, Commie dude. My back like… hurts.
Skeeter: I know! Let’s go skiing instead!
Howie: Righteous!

June 7, 1970. Subjects Howard “Howie” Dean and Richard “Skeeter” Robertson are at a meeting at the local college.
Howie: We’re like totally going to be Islamic extremists!
Skeeter: Totally, dude! Hey, what are they chanting death to?
Howie: America, dude. America totally sucks and we’re going to bomb it, dude.
Skeeter: Cool!
Howie: Hey, what’s with all this praying towards Mecca, dude? Like, what happens if someone blindfolds you, spins you around, and then it’s time to pray towards Mecca? What do you do?
Skeeter: Dude! You’d be like totally screwed!
Unidentified Mullah: So are you two ready to strike against the infidels?
Howie: Totally!
Skeeter: Infidels like suck.
Mullah: Here are your suicide bombing targets.
Howie: Awesome. Let’s… Whoa! Was there a “suicide” with that “bombing”?
Mullah: You will become martyrs and receive 72 virgins in heaven.
Skeeter: But what if you want women with more experience?
Howie: Uh, Islam dude, my back like hurts. I don’t think I can do this. It was all Skeeter’s idea to come here anyway.
Skeeter: I just wanted to hit on hot Islam chicks.
Howie: You can’t even tell if they are hot, dude; they’re wearing veils.
Skeeter: Whatever, dude. Why don’t we go skiing?
Howie: Righteous!

November 17, 1970. Subjects Howard “Howie” Dean and Richard “Skeeter” Robertson are at a bank at midnight.
Howie: Dude, we are totally like henchman for the Riddler.
Skeeter: And we like totally robbed a bank, dude.
Howie: And Batman will never find out because the Riddler leaves riddles and they are like totally hard.
Skeeter: If he didn’t leave riddles at all, then there would be like even less chance of Batman finding us, dude.
Howie: Shut up, dude. What do you know about being a super-criminal?
Riddler: Are you two ready? Batman has found us.
Howie: I’m totally ready, riddle dude.
Skeeter: Doesn’t like Batman kick and stuff, dude?
Howie: You worry too much, dude. We have like guns.
Skeeter: Dude! There’s Batman! Let’s shoot him!
Howie: Whoa! He like totally threw some throwing things at me and knocked the gun from my hand, dude.
Skeeter: He did that to me too, dude.
Batman: Time to taste justice, scumbags.
Howie: Whoa, Bat-dude, I like can’t fight you because… uh… my back like hurts.
Skeeter: Hey, let’s go skiing instead, dude.
Howie: Righteous!

I Don’t Like Terrorists

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I can’t think of anything funny to say. Maybe I’m running out of funny for the year. I could rant about something… but what’s something I don’t like?
Oh yeah – terrorists!
WHY I DON’T LIKE TERRORISTS
by Frank J.
Terrorists make me angry. They try to get their message across by blowing up people and hurting them which is bad. Why can’t they get their message across like me and just write in a blog? Maybe they are illiterate. Fine, then maybe blowing themselves up is their only way to communicate, but why can’t they do it in a safe environment instead of around other people? It’s wrong to hurt other people. Some say Allah told them to hurt people; well maybe then they should stop listening to Allah. Anyone who is trying to get you to hurt people you should stay away from.
Maybe instead of terrorism they could get a hobby like stamp collecting. Maybe they wouldn’t be so angry if they put all their attention into collecting stamps. Or coins. Doesn’t sound that interesting to me, but some people seem to like it. Also, when they get angry, instead of terrorism, punch a pillow. Also, they could stop keeping explosives around so they don’t get tempted.
And what do terrorists have against the Jews? Did the Jews make fun of them when the terrorists were little? Still, that’s no excuse to eradicate people. Maybe instead of eradicating Jews they could eradicate monkeys. I hear there are monkeys in the Middle East, and I bet that a lot of things that they blamed on the Jews were actually because of monkeys. Especially if the problem was someone stealing their sugar. Monkeys like sweet things. Jews like bagels.
Anyway, terrorists need to learn to be nicer or we’ll have our Marines kill them all. The end.
UPDATE: If you know anyone who also doesn’t like terrorists, buy him or her this t-shirt for Christmas. Hooray.

Know Thy Enemy: Howard Dean

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I feel a little burnt out on In My World™ right now, so I decided to do a different post today. Though I know you shouldn’t count your doves before they hatch, it’s looking more and more likely that Howard Dean, the angry peacenik, is going to be the Democrat nomination for president. Thus, I’ve decided to do something useful for a change and have my crack research staff do some muckraking on him. Here is what they found:
FUN FACTS ABOUT HOWARD DEAN
* He always cheats at Scrabble.
* Is governor of Vermont, and I hear there are some gay people there.
* Has a bit of an anger problem. Once, when the copier jammed at his campaign headquarters, he beat his entire staff with a metal stapler.
* He has gotten both the support of Al Gore and the entire Borg collective.
* Al Gore decided to support Howard Dean when he found out that Liberman is a Joooo! Apparently, Liberman never mentioned that he was religious during the 2000 campaign.
* Was once stopped for suspicion of drunk driving, and then a dead hooker was found in his trunk. Due to some technicalities in his arrest, the only charge that stuck was that he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt.
* He still doesn’t wear his seatbelt.
* Was the basis for the movie Howard the Duck.
* The reason he was so against the war in Iraq is that Saddam was his college roommate.
* If elected president, plans to put a hotline on his desk that directly connects to France so, in a crisis, he can always ask them what to do.
* At every campaign stop, an orphanage mysteriously catches fire.
* Is actually the alter-ego of Aquaman’s arch-nemesis, Black Manta.
* Plans to be the surrenderenest president ever.
* Was seen rooting for the Soviet in Rocky IV.
* He completely dishonors Bushido, the way of the samurai.
* Plans to raise taxes to fund his weather control machine so he can take over the world. Not even Aquaman will be able to stop him.
* Has lots of stock in Al Qaeda (symbol ALQ), and would lose a lot of money if they were ever defeated.
* Is always threatening to cut people, but claims that’s just because he’s a doctor.
* The only reason he supports gun rights is to confuse those of us who want to label him a complete liberal. Damn you!

And Now a Word for Our Sponsors…

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I just wanted to say thanks again to the sponsors of IMAO. Of course, you’ve probably seen the banner up top for the calendar by G. Gordon Liddy. It’s got women and guns; what else do you need?
Also check out Poplish on the sidebar. It’s a neat idea about getting paid for writing, and the FAQ is entertaining.
Also, I’m a big supporter of Netflix (check the link under the ad on the sidebar for what I have to say). If it’s on DVD, they have it – even the obscure foreign films with blind samurai in them. And there is never any wait for me on getting the new releases either. I get $9 buck if you click through my link and sign up for a free two week trial, so give them a look see.
There is, of course, my Amazon.com sidebar. If you’re planning on shopping at Amazon anyway (which is a good way to beat the holiday crowds), click through the ad on my page and I’ll get a percentage of everything you spend. It’s a nice way of saying thanks to me, your favorite Frank J., without costing you anything extra.
One more plug. Lars Walker was nice enough yesterday to talk to my writing group (in which I am continuing to work on my novel). He had previously sent me Wolf Time and The Year of the Warrior. I haven’t had a chance to read them yet because of my busy schedule, but I plan to this holiday and then have a literary review so I’ll seem edu-mo-cated. Anyway, I’ve heard from others his writing is great and he just released a new book this month, Blood and Judgment. Also, he reads this site, so he has to be a genius.
Oh, and I have a t-shirt for sale too. Order now so you’ll get it before Christmas!

Bite-Sized Wisdom: En-Gore-sment, Bombing Other Countries for Our Own Good, Mutant Pets, and I Am the Last Samurai

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  • Al Gore Endorses Howard Dean; Women, Minorities, Joe Liberman Hit Hardest
  • Al Gore is going to endorse Howard Dean. “According to the analysis of my sensors, Howard Dean is the best candidate,” Gore-Bot said. He then added, “Destroy! Destroy!” while flailing his arms widely.
  • North Korea says they’ll put a freeze on its nuclear weapons program if we take them off the list of terrorist supporting nation and provide fuel aid. I say we retain our usual “Do as we say or we’ll kill you” stance.
  • Instrument data showed that radiation on Mars in “unlikely” to be fatal to a human. So who wants to test it out? Show of hands?
  • You know that song from the South Park movie “Blame Canada”? I was thinking, wouldn’t that would be an interesting idea to employ right after 9/11. We get a terrorist attack, we bomb Canada. It doesn’t matter if they are responsible; if they know they’ll get bombed by us if there is a terrorist attack, then they’ll make it job number one to protect us from terrorism. In the same vein, we could maybe bomb France if our economy has a downturn, making it their interest to make sure we’re always in prosperity. America is a big and important country, so I think it’s a great idea to have other countries handle some of our problems for us. We can call this “Delegation Through Bombing”.
  • A poll shows that teenagers are more conservative than their parents. “I’m going to pray in school and not abort my baby, and I don’t care what my parents say,” declares some teenage punk. Teenagers!
  • Bio-engineered pets are now on sale (except for California, which usually likes anything freakish). Right now, it’s just neon zebra-fish of which the chance of them overtaking humanity is relatively small, but, if we continue on with this pet-engineering, we’ll soon have elephants the size of dogs, gerbils the size of bears, and dogs the size of other dogs that they normally wouldn’t be the size of. It’s crazy!
  • Actually, I’d still rather have a regular ‘ole dog than a dog-size elephant. Actually, I’d have my dog chase the little elephant. “Run, you long-nosed freak! Run as fast as your stubby little legs can carry you! Ha ha ha!”
  • In monkey news, monkeys are lobbying to be bioengineered next. They want to be super-intelligent, shoot lasers out their eyes, and be able to stare at someone and cause his head to explode just like a Scanner. They say they’ll only use these powers to be more cute and cuddly, but I don’t trust them!
  • BTW, buy my t-shirt. It should be out any day. You need to wear one so people will know you are an IMAO fan and not an Eschaton fan.
  • The Secret Service is going to interview Eminem for a song in which he allegedly wishes the president dead. Eminem, please don’t kill the president; kids look up to you.
  • I saw The Last Samurai over the weekend (and on a digital projector, too) and it was a great movie. It had lots of authentic samurai action plus a random ninja attack. The only good movie quality it lacked was female frontal nudity. I give it four stars out of five.
  • That’s enough wisdom for now. Remember to drink your milk and stay in school.