I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I have a new t-shirt out that’s informative about terrorism. If you’re still on the fence about getting one, I’ll not only give you ten reasons to buy one, I’ll give you the top ten reasons to buy one.
TOP TEN REASONS TO BUY THE “KNOW THY ENEMY: TERRORISTS” T-SHIRT
10. If terrorists see you wear one, they’ll know you’re wise to them so they’ll instead terrorize the people next to you.
9. Buying my t-shirt helps the American economy… especially for me.
8. You can enjoy the confused stares from people wondering, “What in God’s name is ‘IMAO’?”
7. You help inform your citizens about terrorism by wearing one, thus performing a public service and making the t-shirt tax-deductible (I haven’t actually verified that with a lawyer; someone try deducting it and tell me if you get audited).
6. Dark color allows you to hide in the shadows in case of ninja attack.
5. Now when people point and laugh at you, you can convince yourself its just because they’re enjoying the humor on your t-shirt thus saving money on expensive therapy.
4. You can never have too many t-shirts… NEVER!
3. Quality cotton construction protects you from monkey bites.
2. Betting money says you don’t already have a t-shirt with the phrase “carpet bombing” on it.
And the number one reason to buy the “Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists” IMAO t-shirt…
I told you to.
Archive of entries posted on 4th December 2003
Frank Answers: Medium T-Shirt, Buck’s Rank, Nuking France, and Married to a Liberal
Andrew Johnston from Abbotsford, B.C.:
How big is the medium T-Shirt? Is it like, small-medium, medium-medium, or large-medium? If I spend $15.95 USD (which is like, 50 bucks in Canada) on a large T-Shirt and it is too big I’ll be pissed. Likewise, if I buy a medium and it is too small, I’ll be pissed. Help a Canadian from becoming pissed: How big is the medium shirt? I’m five foot seven. Medium, or large?
By the way, you capitalist swine, don’t you dare tell me to buy one of each! I know that trick, and it won’t work! That would truly break my bank account, and I’m a poor college student just looking to buy a top-quality shirt.
The t-shirts from ThoseShirts.com are certainly top quality, but it’s hard for me to say how big a medium is. It’s bigger than the small (which we don’t offer) and smaller than the large.
Don’t they have medium t-shirts in Canada for you to reference, or are there only hockey jerseys in clothing stores?
Rich from Lewiston, NY asks:
What is Buck the Marine’s rank, and what medals/ribbons does he have?
I once asked my brother, Joe foo’ the Marine, what rank he thought Buck was, but I forgot the answer. If Joe is reading this, maybe he could answer in the comments section. Also, maybe he could finally send me the pictures for the Peace Gallery and from his wedding, the lazy bastard.
Buck has a medal for kill’n for’ners above and beyond the call of duty.
Elliot Temple from Berkeley, California writes:
When we have to nuke France, how many nukes should we use? Obviously
we couldn’t use all of them because we have to nuke other countries.
Also they are expensive. So it’s a tough call, but I’m sure you’ll
know the solution.
I’m sure our military has calculated exactly how many nukes it should take to obliterate France, and I’d say use that many times two. We have to make sure we nuke France proper because we’ll be setting an example that future generations will learn from.
Anne from Lake Worth, Florida writes:
This is hard for me.
My husband is a hippie liberal. He even protested the Vietnam War!
He is good to me now, and is a good provider, and takes care of my kids. He loves me too. But should I blast him? He is a German National, on top of it all. At least he isn’t French.
You don’t need to blast your husband, but you should browbeat him to the point that he’s too intimidated to ever express an opinion of his own. Most women I’ve known seem to be good at that.
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
Know Thy Enemy: Liberals
Since terrorists are already covered, by popular demand I sent my crack research team to find out what they can about liberals.
FUN FACTS ABOUT LIBERALS
* Liberals hate people who are not open minded. Open minded is defined as thinking just like they think (otherwise you’re evil).
* The major diet of the liberal is tofu and granola. This makes them weak and easy to pick up and throw.
* Liberals love to spend other people’s money. If you see a liberal, it’s okay to take his money because it probably wasn’t his anyway.
* Liberals have an irrational fear of firearms. If you want to scare a liberal, point a gun at him.
* The whine of the North American liberal can often be mistaken for the sound of a screech owl. The main difference is that the liberal’s whine will also have a nauseating effect.
* Liberals love socialism and want to socialize all businesses. If you see a liberal coming towards your business, throw a stick at him before he can socialize it.
* Liberals tend to congregate on college campuses as it is a safe haven for their idiotic ideas, protecting them from scrutiny. Thus, avoid college at all costs.
* Liberals are invulnerable to reason and logic. They are vulnerable to firearms, knives, and the bitch slap.
* Liberals hate America and love more oppressed people… like evil dictators.
* Much like the duck, it’s illegal to shoot a liberal who is floating in a lake.
* Liberals will try to entice you with their twisted logic. If that doesn’t work, they’ll bite you.
* Hanging a picture of Ronald Reagan over your door will keep liberals from entering.
* Liberals come in two main varieties: intellectual and mental patient. You can only distinguish between the two by noting whether their jacket has sleeves.
* If you see a fuel-efficient car, it’s probably being driven by a liberal. Run it off the road with your SUV.
* Liberals are always trying to save the environment because they are apparently dependent on it. If you want to kill all liberals, destroy the environment.
* Even if you satisfy liberals’ demands, they’ll come up with new thing to complain about that you could never even imagine; they’re just that creative. That creativity is put towards much better use as forced labor in a coal mine.
* Liberals are always whining about tolerance, but, when I punch them for that, they get moody. Hey, be tolerant!
* You can tell if someone is a liberal by extracting some blood and seeing if it reacts violently to fire.
* Sorry, that previous item is how you find out if someone is the Thing. It’s a good thing to check for that too, though.
* Some liberals still think Communism is good. I guess we should threaten them with nuclear missiles just like we did the Soviets.
* In a fight between Aquaman and liberals, liberals would have Aquaman fined for disturbing the habitat of endangered fish. He would then sulk about it to the great annoyance of the Aquawife.
* Liberals like to sympathize with terrorists. Keep them away from Gitmo, or there will be nothing but sympathizing.
* I’ve heard vicious rumors that liberals also like the French, but that might just be slander against liberals.