“Who is the mysterious protestor sniper?” Bush said to himself as he aimed his rifle. “Know one knows, for he strikes deadly and quietly.”
“Are you sniping people again?” Laura Bush asked angrily.
“Just with rubber bullets,” Bush answered defensively.
Laura picked up some of the bullets. “These look like copper tipped.”
“Uh… copper is a type of rubber.”
“I’m taking your gun away,” Laura said, snatching the rifle, “Now you play nice.”
“Now what I’m going to do?” Bush moaned as Laura walked off.
Out of the shadows emerged the cloaked figure of Karl Rove. “You must focus on getting the Medicare bill passed. The Democrats want it to be an issue, and it must be denied. So speaks the elders.”
“Don’t worry there, Rover,” Bush answered, “I’m just about to negotiate with some Democrats. I’m sure I’ll know how to sweet talk them.”
“Do not fail,” Rove warned ominously as the shadows consumed him.
Senator Tom Daschle then entered Bush’s office. “I know you wanted to talk to me, but I won’t vote for this Medicare bill because of… uh… seniors and… uh… yadda yadda.”
“I understand your concern,” Bush said, approaching Daschle, “but you should hear what I have to say.” He then started repeatedly bashing Daschle’s head into the top of the desk. “Now you vote for that bill, you slimy weasel! I’m a big man! I’ll hurt you good!”
Suddenly, the wall gave way as Ted Kennedy came crashing through. “Grerawerr!” You’re trying to privatize Medicare! Me filibuster! Me destroy!”
“Oh no!” Bush exclaimed, “It’s Big Fat Teddy K! And he’s come to eat me!” Bush then tossed Daschle out the window and hid under his desk.
“Grerawerr!” Big Fat Teddy K exclaimed as he swatted the desk aside with his massive arm.
Bush cowered in fear, but then he spotted Chomps out in the hallway. “Attack! Chomps! Attack!” Bush called out.
Chomps ran into the office and started savagely attacking one of the paintings on the wall. “Hey! I didn’t like that painting either,” Bush said, “but it was a present form my mother-in-law and it’s not the time for art criticism.” Bush then rolled to his feet and started running before Big Fat Teddy K could stomp him.
Bush soon found his wife who was washing dishes in the kitchen. “Quick, Laura,” Bush yelled, “I’m negotiating the Medicaid bill and I need my shotgun.”
“It’s the Medicare bill, dear,” Laura corrected him, “and you’d know where your shotgun is if you’d put it back on the shotgun rack after using it.”
Bush could hear the roar of Big Fat Teddy K and kept moving. He then ran into Scott McClellan. “Hey, Scott,” Bush said to him, “wave your arms in the air and say, ‘I want to cut taxes.'”
“Why?”
“Just do it!”
Scott waved is arms in the air and said, “I want to cut taxes!”
“Grerawerr!” Big Fat Teddy K roared in rage upon seeing Scott.
“Eep.” Scott ran off with Big Fat Teddy K in pursuit.
Bush let out a sigh of relief. “That was a close one.”
Senator John Edwards then walked up to Bush. “I just want to tell you I’m not going to vote for that…”
Bush punched Edwards in the face.
“Okay, I’ll vote for the bill!” Edwards said as he ran away crying.
Now Daschle came back followed by some police. “That’s the man who assaulted me!” Daschle yelled as he pointed at Bush.
“So what,” Bush answered, “I pardon myself. Plus, I reverse pardon Daschle for the charge of indecency since he’s such a slimy weasel.”
“You can’t do that!” Daschle declared.
“That’s for the courts to decide,” one of the officers said as he slapped cuffs onto Daschle. “Now let’s get you back to the federal penitentiary, you pervert.”
As soon as Daschle was led away, Karl Rove materialized. “Have you handled the problem?”
“Negotiating is hard,” Bush complained, “Want to play some Mario Kart, Rover?”
Rove vanished back into the darkness once again just as if he had never been there.
“Man, that guy is no fun.”

Bill O’Reilly: Next up on the Factor is Secretary of the Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
Donald Rumsfeld: Where the hell are you? What is this?
O’Reilly: It’s a satellite hook-up. Secretary.
Rumsfeld: Then how am I supposed to strangle you if you enrage me?
O’Reilly: (laughs) I guess you’ll just have to come over here.
Rumsfeld: I will. Start your questions!
O’Reilly: So what is your opinion of how things are going in Iraq?
Rumsfeld: Excellent. Our enemies are being slaughtered in mass numbers.
O’Reilly: But there are many who don’t like America.
Rumsfeld: And they will die! We will hunt them down and kill them like dogs. Actually, I was just on a dog hunt this morning.
O’Reilly: Fair enough. Now some people say that you have botched the occupation and…
Rumsfeld: They will die as well!
O’Reilly: But you have to admit that some people can perceive that things aren’t going so well in Iraq…
Rumsfeld: And some people will be strangled by my own hands!
O’Reilly: Come on, Secretary. This is the no spin zone. Are we supposed to believe you can actually strangle everyone criticizing you?
Rumsfeld: Are you questioning me, you impudent fool! I know where you live which will soon be known as where you died!
O’Reilly: In all respect, Secretary, you’re just dodging the question now. Now, what about…
Rumsfeld: Each time you speak, you add that much more pain to your death…
O’Reilly: Hey, it’s my show and I get to talk so…
Rumsfeld: You pompous prick! I will rip your guts out with my teeth then…
O’Reilly: Cut his mike. Okay, now I get to talk, Mr. Secretary. A lot of people think you have not committed enough troops to Iraq, and I want a “no spin” response to that accusation. Put his mike back on.
Rumsfeld: …it down your neck. Your blood will paint the entire…
O’Reilly: You’re still not answering the question.
Rumsfeld: Sorry, could you repeat it?
O’Reilly: The question was about how people think you have failed in Iraq and…
Rumsfeld: And I said I’d kill them. What don’t you understand?
O’Reilly: But that’s not answering…
Rumsfeld: Why must I answer the concern of people who will be dead?
O’Reilly: Your just repeating the same tired old lines. You can’t possibly kill all of them when you didn’t even successfully kill Steve Doocy. In fact…
Rumsfeld: I’ll show you! Rarr!
O’Reilly: And apparently the Secretary has destroyed the satellite connection. Well, I guess he couldn’t stand the no spin zone. On to our next topic: why must our tax money go to NPR douche bags who won’t allow a fair discussion of my new book, Who’s Looking Out for You. With us, we have some idiot from NPR.
NPR Idiot: Now, I’d just like to point out…
O’Reilly: Quiet! There’s breaking news… Apparently a group of about a hundred protestors has been found strangled to death. Police think it’s the work of the so-called “Rumsfeld Strangler”, as a note was found at the scene reading, “I, Donald Rumsfeld, strangled these guys, and now I’m coming after Bill O’Reilly.” Police are currently deciphering what that’s supposed to mean, and we’ll have more information as it become available. Now, back to the NPR Idiot… hmm, he seems to have been strangled to death. Guess yet another person couldn’t stand the “no spin zone”. As for the most ridiculous item of the day… ack… erk…