…
E.D. Hill: I don’t get it? Why doesn’t Israel just kill all the Palestinians?
Brian Kilmeade: Well, apparently the U.N. is against that.
Steve Doocy: If you had to decide being blown up by a suicide bomber or being whined to death by a representative from the U.N., which would you choose?
Brian: Well, our next guess knows a lot about killing terrorists. Here is Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
Donald Rumsfeld: To start off, I just want to say I’m here by the President’s orders. I never wanted to be on some vacuous morning show.
E.D.: But we ask deep questions!
Rumsfeld: Whatever, blondie. Let’s just get this show on the road.
Steve: As we all know, you’re very busy with the War on Terror…
Rumsfeld: There are a lot of people alive who shouldn’t be, and I’m trying to motivate this administration to do something about it despite the wishes of weaker, whiny countries.
Brian: We were just talking about the U.N…
Rumsfeld: Don’t even mention them to me!
Steve: Actually, since you’ve visited New York, a lot of the U.N. members have been found strangled to death. Would you know anything about that?
Rumsfeld: I know it’s a good thing.
E.D.: Anyway, the reason you’re here today is to talk about your work with kids.
Rumsfeld: Yes, the First Lady keeps nagging me to help kids. I say kids these days are a hopeless cause, but I’ll see if I can improve them.
Brian: And you’re trying to make them better prepared for the threats we face today.
Rumsfeld: Can I explain this?
Brian: I was just trying to help you along…
Rumsfeld: Shut up! As I was saying, kids these days are weak, and our enemies pray upon weakness. These days if a child falls down and scrapes his knee, he starts crying like some fruit, and that emboldens terrorists.
Brian: But kids were tougher back when you were young.
Rumsfeld: I’m sorry, Mr. Kilmeade, do I get to explain this or do you?
Brian: Well… uh… I’m just following the teleprompter…
(gunshot)
Rumsfeld: There; no more distractions.
E.D.: But the teleprompter is where all my intelligent questions come from!
Rumsfeld: Zip it, blondie! Back to the topic, when I was a kid, we didn’t whine and cry like common Democrats. Why, one day when I was six, I took an arrow to the shoulder, killed the Hun who shot it with a wood ax, and then went back to playing hopscotch all without shedding one tear.
Brian: What happened to the Huns?
Rumsfeld: We killed them all. They interrupted one of my little league games and we were fed up. I still have the blood stained bat.
Steve: So what’s your batting average in regard to Hun heads? (laughs)
Rumsfeld: You find this funny?
Steve: Well, I…
Rumsfeld: You make another idiotic joke in my presence and I will kill you. Do you understand?
Steve: Yes, sir.
Rumsfeld: Continuing, the point is that kids were tough in my days, but are weak today and in danger of becoming another generation of hippies… just like the terrorists want. And, since you can’t strangle to death a whole generation – or so I’m told – I’m trying to steer young kids into becoming rugged individualists with my school program called “Stop Crying or I’ll Beat You”.
E.D.: Now, some teachers have complained about your program, describing it as nothing but a bunch of yelling and hitting…
Rumsfeld: The teachers are fools! They coddle children and make them weak!
Brian: One says you almost strangled her to death.
Rumsfeld: And I bet she’s smarter for it. Kids need to learn to have a strong backbone and be self-reliant.
E.D.: Now, with my children…
Rumsfeld: I don’t care about your stupid children.
E.D.: This is a good story…
Rumsfeld: You may think I’m too old-fashioned to hit a woman, but you can find out for sure by continuing to talk.
Steve: I think it’s time to take some calls.
Rumsfeld: Oh yay! Let’s hear the opinions of people with nothing better to do during the day than call in to a T.V. show.
Steve: All the way from Baghdad, Iraq, we have Buck on the line.
Buck: I would just like to ask Mr. Secretary when we in the military can expect to go where there are more for’ners to kill who ain’t hiding. Uh… ya know… a more target rich environment?
Rumsfeld: It is my plan to soon have the U.S. military roaming the entire Middle East, killing everyone who looks like they are in need of it.
Buck: Ooh-rah!
Rumsfeld: Don’t “ooh-rah” too soon. That’s not going to happen while Bush is still listening to that fruit we have for a Secretary of State.
Brian: You’re talking about Colin Powell?
Rumsfeld: That’s the fruit.
Steve: Next on the line we have Susan from Chicago, Illinois. What’s your question for Secretary Rumsfeld?
Susan: I was just wondering if he thinks he’s made a mistake in not having enough troops in Iraq?
Rumsfeld: And why in the world would I think I’ve made a mistake?
Susan: Well… uh… it just seems that…
Rumsfeld: I’m sorry; what’s your occupation, Susan?
Susan: I… uh… work in a department store…
Rumsfeld: And suddenly you know all about military strategy then? I will kill you for your impudence! Where in Chicago does she live?
Steve: I don’t know exactly…
Rumsfeld: Maybe I can go to the back room and trace the call.
Brian: And there goes Secretary Rumsfeld…
Steve: I guess the interview is over.
E.D.: You know, I agree with a lot of his policies, but I think he’s a bit too gruff.
Brian: Fighting Huns when you are a kid can do that to you.
Steve: I bet inside him there’s a cute little puppy, though… which he swallowed whole this morning. (laughs)
Rumsfeld: I WARNED YOU! RARR!
Steve: I thought he was out of the studio! Oh sh…