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Brian Kilmeade: We now join Melinda Hawkish straight from Baghdad. How are things going, Melinda.
Melinda Hawkish: Pretty good, Brian. The enemy is being slaughtered as we speak.
Steve Doocy: But we keep hearing how bad things are in Iraq.
Melinda: That’s because most of the news reports leave out how much scumbag terrorists are suffering. That’s other channels like CNN leave out all the video we have of the enemies’ brains getting blown out.
Steve: Let’s see the clip.
Brian: Wow! That’s guy’s head blew right apart.
Melinda: That’s right, and that’s what happens to dirty terrorists.
E.D. Hill: And you’ll only see things like that here on Fox News – Fair and Balanced.
Melinda: And the fair and balanced view is that America is kicking ass. Don’t let any biased media tell you otherwise.
Brian: Thanks, Melinda.
Melinda: By the way, if you ever need someone to sit in for E.D., think of me when I’m back to the States. I promise not to get knocked up as much as her, either.
Steve: (laughs) You’re quite the kidder, Melinda.
E.D.: Stay away from my job, bitch!
Brian: Anyway, our next guest has to deal with things almost as fearsome as terrorists. Let’s welcome Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter.
Steve Irwin: Hey, everybody, it’s great to be here.
Steve: So are crocodiles as dumb as terrorists?
Irwin: No, they can be quite wily. You have to be careful when you deal with those crocs.
Brian: Now, you take quite a different approach to nature shows. Most before you only watched the animals from a distance and didn’t disturb them, but you like to run up and tackle the animals and shake them around.
Irwin: You learn a lot from an animal by pissing it off.
E.D.: Do you ever get scared about getting injured?
Irwin: No, because I have a special medical condition where I lack all common sense.
Steve: Sounds like you could be a liberal.
Irwin: Crikey! I hope not.
E.D.: Now you brought some animals with you.
Irwin: That’s right. In this cage my wife is bringing out is a king cobra.
Steve: Whoa! Careful where you hold that guy!
Irwin: Now this bugger is actually less venomous than a regular cobra, but he delivers more venom per bite. He could take down a… Crikey! He almost got me there.
Brian: You sure it’s safe to have him out like this.
Irwin: I have him under control.
E.D.: Now there is something special about the Cobra’s hood, right?
Irwin: That’s right. The king cobra can extend the ribs in its neck to make this hood to intimidate other animals. Also, if your grab the snake by the ends of its hood as I’m and doing and shake it vigorously…
Steve: I don’t think the snake is liking that.
Irwin: That’s right! There’s nothing it hates more. Crikey! He’s trying to kill me now! Isn’t he beautiful?
Brian: He really wants to bite your face.
Irwin: Excellent observation. The king cobra is now trying to eat my face, not, mind you, because it’s hungry, but instead because it figures that’s the most painful way to kill me. That’s how mad I made it! Isn’t it beautiful?
E.D.: It sure is angry.
Irwin: Let’s put him back in his cage.
Steve: Now this next guy looks less threatening.
Irwin: He can be a nasty little bugger, though. He’s a ringtailed lemur.
E.D.: And what’s the significance of the rings on his tail?
Irwin: I don’t know. But if I grab him by the tail and swing him over my head thusly…
Brian: Wow! You’re really spinning that rodent around!
Irwin: Actually, it’s a monkey. Now, you can hear its squeal changing as it become angrier and angrier. Now I’ll stop spinning him and set him down…
E.D.: He’s just staring at you.
Irwin: That’s the extremely rare lemur stare of death. Right now he’s just absorbing how angry he is but soon… Crikey! He’s trying to kill me now! Isn’t he beautiful?
Steve: He’s really trying to claw and bite you. I’ve never seen a monkey that angry before.
E.D.: I have.
Irwin: He is so angry, he will not eat or sleep until I’m dead.
E.D.: Fascinating.
Irwin: Let’s put him back in his cage. There you go, you angry little bugger. Now let’s bring out the next animal.
Steve: Looks like you already swung this one over your head in the green room.
Irwin: No, this animal here is always angry. Actually, he was rated by the Guinness Book of World Records as the World’s Angriest Dog.
Brian: That’s a thick chain holding him.
Irwin: He shouldn’t be able to chew through until the segments over.
E.D.: Wow! He’s really chewing away at it. Now, my neighbor has a rottweiler, and it’s not this angry. What makes this dog so different?
Irwin: No one really knows. It might be a chemical imbalance in his brain or that he’s just highly opinionated.
Steve: Whoa! Hey!
Irwin: Don’t worry. He’s only angry at your chair.
Brian: Look at him rip it apart.
Steve: So is he part of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”? (laughs) Whoa!
Irwin: Now he is angry at you. Probably didn’t like that joke.
Steve: Everyone is a critic. Can you get him to… uh… stop trying to kill me.
Irwin: Hey! Chomps! What’s that behind you, boy? What’s that behind you?
Brian: Now I’ve seen dogs chase their tail before, but it really looks like he wants to kill his.
Steve: He’s stopped. Now what’s he barking at?
Irwin: Looks like he doesn’t like one of the stage lights.
Brian: Can we have that turned off?
E.D.: Looks like that calmed him down… or at least made him less angry. Now, you’re going to host a Fox special, aren’t you.
Irwin: Yes, we’re going to find out what is the world’s angriest animal, and Chomps here is one of the contestants. The others are Razor, the Eternally Agitated Wolverine, Squeakers, the Schizophrenic Tiger, Rumsfeld, the Enraged Secretary of Defense, and Wally, the Murderous Sloth.
Brian: Murderous sloth?
Irwin: Very slow to move, but very quick to anger.
Steve: He’s chewing through his chain again. Are we going to be all right?
Irwin: As long as you don’t say the ‘f’ word.
E.D.: We’re a family show, so you don’t have to worry about that.
Irwin: I don’t mean the four-letter one. I mean the one about cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
Steve: You mean the French?
Irwin: Crikey! There he goes trying to kill everyone! Isn’t he beautiful?
Brian: Can’t you shoot him with a tranquilizer or something?
Irwin: Not at this stage of anger, I’m afraid. The only thing that will calm him down is mauling a hippy. I’ll let my wife let him loose outside so he can find one and tucker himself out.
E.D.: Is that safe?
Irwin: Not for hippies.
Steve: There’s one right out the window behind us.
E.D.: Look at the sign he’s holding up! We’re not right wing! We’re fair and balanced. I hope Chomps gets him.
Steve: Looks like he found him…
Irwin: Crikey!
Brian: I haven’t seen that much blood splattered on a window in New York since Dinkins was mayor.
Steve: We’ll have to get the window washer out during the commercial break. Thanks for joining us Steve.
Irwin: It was my pleasure.