Archive of entries posted on 4th November 2003

Bite-Sized Wisdom: Monkey Terrorists, That Graham Cracker, CNN, Just End It, and I’m Too Pissed Again to Be Funny

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  • When people see monkeys rampaging in India, they think of Frank.
    Numerous alert readers have sent me a story about how monkeys have overrun New Delhi. India is a newly burgeoning democracy, but you can’t be a prosperous nation and be overrun with monkeys. As proof, take a look at the good ‘ole USA, the most prosperous nation there is and ever will be; are we overrun with monkeys? No. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.
    Of course, it took work to clear out North America of its monkey menace. This was illustrated by the tall tales of Johnny Monkeykill who roamed the plains of America killing monkeys left and right. In reality, though, it was an opium-fueled posse that did the simicide, painting our pristine landscape with monkey blood.
    Anyway, back to India, monkeys definitely our the main barrier separating the country from prosperity. In the monkeys’ cold black hearts there is nothing but monkey evil and a desire to menace and destroy. Thus it was a good step that their Supreme Court declared that New Delhi must be monkey-free. This will anger Hanuman, the monkey god, though, who must also be eliminated. Now, I don’t know a damn thing about killing gods, but, anytime I’m not sure how to kill something, such as a zombie or an alien, first thing I do is try my shotgun. Hardly anything can stand up to buckshot fired at close-range.
    Good luck, India, and good hunt’n.
  • My senator, Bob Graham, will not run for reelection. This is good because he is a Democrat and I don’t like them. It’s time for Florida to have a Republican senator to combat that other senator… uh… what’s his name… Florida does have a second senator, right? Yeah, all states have two senators – even Wisconsin. Anyway, my point is I want my new senator to be a Republican unlike the other senator who I’m pretty sure is not.
  • There are a number of abandoned websites out there. I’m serious! It’s good we have CNN to tell us things like this.
  • Here’s another great CNN headline that’s a real shocker.
  • Tonight, the Democrat presidential candidates will get to debate before our youngest and dumbest voters. Does anyone care about the Democrat’s primary anymore? Just end the farce and pick some doofus already. It was funny watching the Democrats implode for a while, but now it’s just getting sad.
  • I hate Bill Clinton. It wasn’t as much his political views (he was pretty much a moderate) as that he was just a complete scumbag, a disgrace to the office of the President. Still, despite my strong feelings against him, there were times I didn’t see him as Bill Clinton, lecherous, bloated hillbilly, and instead saw him as the President of the fking United States of America, and that’s when he was attacked by other countries as a way of attacking America and when we had military operations going on. I can’t remember Somalia too well, but I know with Bosnia conservatives like me only wished the best our troops and didn’t see any tragedy (such as when some troops were captured) as a partisan political opportunity. Whatever disagreements with the leader, this was still our country and our people out there fighting.
    But now there are people that, when hearing about a tragedy in Iraq, there first reaction is not horror but delight at an opportunity to attack the president. They cry crocodile tears for our soldiers (these are some of the same people who chase ROTC off of college campuses) so they can attack a president they hate for whatever wacky reasons they have. I pointed out one example, but we hear plenty of others coming from a significant minority. Now I don’t brandy this word about lightly, but this has gone from political discourse to just being plain evil – a very mild but growing evil that show a real disconnect from one’s fellow man.
    There are our men and women fighting and dying out there. They are fighting for us and they are fighting for a people yearning to live free from tyranny. And I just can’t understand how the phrase “We are losing a soldier a day,” can be followed by anything other than, “so let’s get those f    king bastards.”
    That wasn’t funny, but I’m pissed and sometimes I need to vent. I’ll be more funny tomorrow.