…
Brian Kilmeade: We now join Melinda Hawkish straight from Baghdad. How are things going, Melinda.
Melinda Hawkish: Pretty good, Brian. The enemy is being slaughtered as we speak.
Steve Doocy: But we keep hearing how bad things are in Iraq.
Melinda: That’s because most of the news reports leave out how much scumbag terrorists are suffering. That’s other channels like CNN leave out all the video we have of the enemies’ brains getting blown out.
Steve: Let’s see the clip.
Brian: Wow! That’s guy’s head blew right apart.
Melinda: That’s right, and that’s what happens to dirty terrorists.
E.D. Hill: And you’ll only see things like that here on Fox News – Fair and Balanced.
Melinda: And the fair and balanced view is that America is kicking ass. Don’t let any biased media tell you otherwise.
Brian: Thanks, Melinda.
Melinda: By the way, if you ever need someone to sit in for E.D., think of me when I’m back to the States. I promise not to get knocked up as much as her, either.
Steve: (laughs) You’re quite the kidder, Melinda.
E.D.: Stay away from my job, bitch!
Brian: Anyway, our next guest has to deal with things almost as fearsome as terrorists. Let’s welcome Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter.
Steve Irwin: Hey, everybody, it’s great to be here.
Steve: So are crocodiles as dumb as terrorists?
Irwin: No, they can be quite wily. You have to be careful when you deal with those crocs.
Brian: Now, you take quite a different approach to nature shows. Most before you only watched the animals from a distance and didn’t disturb them, but you like to run up and tackle the animals and shake them around.
Irwin: You learn a lot from an animal by pissing it off.
E.D.: Do you ever get scared about getting injured?
Irwin: No, because I have a special medical condition where I lack all common sense.
Steve: Sounds like you could be a liberal.
Irwin: Crikey! I hope not.
E.D.: Now you brought some animals with you.
Irwin: That’s right. In this cage my wife is bringing out is a king cobra.
Steve: Whoa! Careful where you hold that guy!
Irwin: Now this bugger is actually less venomous than a regular cobra, but he delivers more venom per bite. He could take down a… Crikey! He almost got me there.
Brian: You sure it’s safe to have him out like this.
Irwin: I have him under control.
E.D.: Now there is something special about the Cobra’s hood, right?
Irwin: That’s right. The king cobra can extend the ribs in its neck to make this hood to intimidate other animals. Also, if your grab the snake by the ends of its hood as I’m and doing and shake it vigorously…
Steve: I don’t think the snake is liking that.
Irwin: That’s right! There’s nothing it hates more. Crikey! He’s trying to kill me now! Isn’t he beautiful?
Brian: He really wants to bite your face.
Irwin: Excellent observation. The king cobra is now trying to eat my face, not, mind you, because it’s hungry, but instead because it figures that’s the most painful way to kill me. That’s how mad I made it! Isn’t it beautiful?
E.D.: It sure is angry.
Irwin: Let’s put him back in his cage.
Steve: Now this next guy looks less threatening.
Irwin: He can be a nasty little bugger, though. He’s a ringtailed lemur.
E.D.: And what’s the significance of the rings on his tail?
Irwin: I don’t know. But if I grab him by the tail and swing him over my head thusly…
Brian: Wow! You’re really spinning that rodent around!
Irwin: Actually, it’s a monkey. Now, you can hear its squeal changing as it become angrier and angrier. Now I’ll stop spinning him and set him down…
E.D.: He’s just staring at you.
Irwin: That’s the extremely rare lemur stare of death. Right now he’s just absorbing how angry he is but soon… Crikey! He’s trying to kill me now! Isn’t he beautiful?
Steve: He’s really trying to claw and bite you. I’ve never seen a monkey that angry before.
E.D.: I have.
Irwin: He is so angry, he will not eat or sleep until I’m dead.
E.D.: Fascinating.
Irwin: Let’s put him back in his cage. There you go, you angry little bugger. Now let’s bring out the next animal.
Steve: Looks like you already swung this one over your head in the green room.
Irwin: No, this animal here is always angry. Actually, he was rated by the Guinness Book of World Records as the World’s Angriest Dog.
Brian: That’s a thick chain holding him.
Irwin: He shouldn’t be able to chew through until the segments over.
E.D.: Wow! He’s really chewing away at it. Now, my neighbor has a rottweiler, and it’s not this angry. What makes this dog so different?
Irwin: No one really knows. It might be a chemical imbalance in his brain or that he’s just highly opinionated.
Steve: Whoa! Hey!
Irwin: Don’t worry. He’s only angry at your chair.
Brian: Look at him rip it apart.
Steve: So is he part of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”? (laughs) Whoa!
Irwin: Now he is angry at you. Probably didn’t like that joke.
Steve: Everyone is a critic. Can you get him to… uh… stop trying to kill me.
Irwin: Hey! Chomps! What’s that behind you, boy? What’s that behind you?
Brian: Now I’ve seen dogs chase their tail before, but it really looks like he wants to kill his.
Steve: He’s stopped. Now what’s he barking at?
Irwin: Looks like he doesn’t like one of the stage lights.
Brian: Can we have that turned off?
E.D.: Looks like that calmed him down… or at least made him less angry. Now, you’re going to host a Fox special, aren’t you.
Irwin: Yes, we’re going to find out what is the world’s angriest animal, and Chomps here is one of the contestants. The others are Razor, the Eternally Agitated Wolverine, Squeakers, the Schizophrenic Tiger, Rumsfeld, the Enraged Secretary of Defense, and Wally, the Murderous Sloth.
Brian: Murderous sloth?
Irwin: Very slow to move, but very quick to anger.
Steve: He’s chewing through his chain again. Are we going to be all right?
Irwin: As long as you don’t say the ‘f’ word.
E.D.: We’re a family show, so you don’t have to worry about that.
Irwin: I don’t mean the four-letter one. I mean the one about cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
Steve: You mean the French?
Irwin: Crikey! There he goes trying to kill everyone! Isn’t he beautiful?
Brian: Can’t you shoot him with a tranquilizer or something?
Irwin: Not at this stage of anger, I’m afraid. The only thing that will calm him down is mauling a hippy. I’ll let my wife let him loose outside so he can find one and tucker himself out.
E.D.: Is that safe?
Irwin: Not for hippies.
Steve: There’s one right out the window behind us.
E.D.: Look at the sign he’s holding up! We’re not right wing! We’re fair and balanced. I hope Chomps gets him.
Steve: Looks like he found him…
Irwin: Crikey!
Brian: I haven’t seen that much blood splattered on a window in New York since Dinkins was mayor.
Steve: We’ll have to get the window washer out during the commercial break. Thanks for joining us Steve.
Irwin: It was my pleasure.
I laughed hard on that one. Your funniest in a long time, Frank.
“Very slow to move, but quick to anger!”
So funny.
ps- can’t wait for Fox’s “Angriest Animal” special. Rumsfeld will be in the unique position of competing against his own pet.
“E.D.: Is that safe?
Irwin: Not for hippies.”
HA!…oh, and…Crikey!
Excellent! I think you really captured the essence of Steve Irwin. Forget that eco-blather he spouts on his tv shows. He just likes picking up animals and seeing if they will bite him. 🙂
“Rumsfeld, the Enraged Secretary of Defense,”
LOL!
“Here we see the rare SecDef Rumsfeld: rumsfeldus strangleallus.
He is quick to temper, and often kill lower forms of life, such as hippies or commies, on sight. The SecDef’s call, a loud ‘RARR!’, is quite distinctive.
SecDefs are quite adept at using tools; favoring paired 1911s, though their prefered method of attack is to strangle their victims.”
!!!!!!!!! ackeck****errk*** Hahahaha!!!!!!
*wipes eyes, picks herself off the floor
“Crikey! Isn’t he beautiful!”
HHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
*falls on the floor again
That was great.
I’m afraid I can’t watch Steve’s Show for very long. I find myself cheering for the crocs and other angry critters to get him.
I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help it.
Crikey! That was a good’n, mate!
Irwin: No, because I have a special medical condition where I lack all common sense.
Steve: Sounds like you could be a liberal.
Irwin: Crikey! I hope not.
LOL! Great stuff!
Brian: I haven’t seen that much blood splattered on a window in New York since Dinkins was mayor.
ROTFL. I may not want to know the answer, but where did that one come from?
Trevor,
Just that before Guiliani was mayor New York was known for its violent crime much more so that today.
Curtis,
When I’m rich and famous, I’ll have a professional editor. PRK?
Oh my gosh. I laughed sooo hard on this one. Loved E.D.’s response to Melinda’s request at her job!
You left yourself wide open for a sequel by mentioning the Fox special. I’ll be anxiously waiting for more news about Wally, the Murderous Sloth.:) Isn’t he the creature that always catches up with his victims, no matter how fast they try to run from him?
Do you think Chomps master will ever breed him. With another dog that is. Er, another female dog…er,’scuse me someone’s comming through the portal……Crikey! it’s……squerch, drip, drip, drip
Funniest ever – I’m still laughing!
Orion
Frank, I got the Dinkins reference, I meant, how did you come up with that line? I figured that it was divine inspiration, but I’m almost scared to find out.
Funniest piece ever, Frank! And it’s even funnier if you say all of Irwin’s lines out loud in his ridiculously outrageous Australian accent. CRIKEY!
What happened to Chomps’ UN helmet?
Otto,
I wish I could have done it audio. I do a great Steve Irwin impression… like pretty everyone. He’s so easy to impersonate.
Cancer,
That’s only for official U.N. activities.
Wally, the Murderous Sloth
ROTFLMClymerO!!!
I used to have a boss named Wally. He, too, was “Very slow to move, but very quick to anger.”
Good ‘un, mate.
You’re going to hell! you’re going straight to hell! I’m going to enjoy the company!
spark
fizzle
D— it Frank. I’m just going to have to order monitors by the gross.
I’m sitting here laughing myself silly, wreathed in smoke from a newly pyrotechnic monitor. It’s been a bear of a day, but you’ve just made it a whole lot better.
As always.
Its interesting to note that Steve Irwin is a strong supporter of our governing conservative party here in Australia. I guess that would mean he is very supportive of Bush as well.
Crikey.
Frank, excellent work. I’m sitting here in the lobby of my barracks laughing hysterically. Great stuff.
excellent, frank. funniest in a while
I have heard Steve Irwin say that he would like to meet GWB. I’d love to see him wander around the ranch in Texas and find snakes and such.
I was thinking that I’d like to see him slip a top-jaw rope on Saddam and shove him into a box for “relocation” or give em the coup de gras like in South Park and “jam his thumb up his ass”
That was golden Frank!
Steve Erwin cops a lot of shit from lefty-elitists here in Australia (example)
Cheers.
Crikey!
Steve Irwin appears on Fox and Friends, in a very special In My World….
Damm you Frank and Tim B.! Now I’ve got these images in my head of Steve Irwin committing indignities to a stripped and hog tied fat old Ted Kennedy. Actually that’s not bad but I can’t get to sleep.
“Crikey, he gets mad when you take away his whiskey!”
FOX and Friends
Well, better than that, actually. It’s FRNAK’s version of FOX and Friends, guaranteed to cure all known variants of solemnity…
“I haven’t seen that much blood splattered on a window in New York since Dinkins was mayor.”
That was my favorite line in a hilarious post.
Great job.
Random Prose
Huzzah! *sniff That was great, man.^^;;
Especially the hippie feeding. We need more hippie feedings!
Blitzin’ the Blogosphere
OK, folks, the Cowboys are playin’ in the ESPN Sunday Night game, so in order to get them ready to whoop up on the New England Patriots, I am gonna start the action by blitzin’ the blogosphere.SilverBlue is handin’ out…
WHOA!!
I wake up, turn on the ‘puter and check out the ol’ Fire–only to see that Darling Hubby has radically redecorated it behind my sleeping back. It’s like some weird Blogosphere version of that Surprise By Design show that I…
Wally the Murderous Sloth!!! Someone forgot the Drink Alert!!!… Haven’t seen so much blood since Dinkins was in office! RFLMAO!!!!… My sides hurt!… Go, Chomps!!!…Excellent Stuff!!!!
Fox and Friends? (Rosemary)
Fox and Friends transcript as imagined by Frank. Featuring Steve Irwin and Chomps! Will you laugh so hard that you lose your spleen? Crikey! I…
That is hilarious
Cant’ wait to read that Fox special
As usual, copied and sent to the troops.
Out effing Standing!
I vote for Rumsfeld as the World’s Angriest Animal. Isn’t he a beaut?
Random blogging
Between Venomous Kate’s letters of the day and Kelley’s evolving, letter-based Cul-De-Sac, I’m going to start referring to them as the Alphabet Chicks. (Because I’m lame that way, and because Jason Kottke’s observation about the Paris Hilton sex tape h…
No more monkeyshines!
This is not Friday, and therefore NOT the right day for Online Testing, but I am posting the results of the latest test anyway. This test — “Which Animal Spirit Totem Are You?” — gave me results which will guarantee…
Excellent parody of the single most obnoxious show on TV.
I like your site 🙂 have a nice day!